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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - just found porn on Husband's phone

853 replies

JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 19:03

Had lovely family lunch out, DH, myself, DD and DS. Came home, DH has to cut the grass. Leaves his phone with me whilst he does to view new family member photo's, then I find 3 videos and 2 photo's of downloaded stuff that shocked me to the core. Didn't jump down his throat at first as I know his brother has sent him things before that he shouldn't have, but then he freely admitted he had downloaded them and his defence was - It's lesbian porn. Threw a glass of water in his face and shoved him out the door and told him not to return. Does anyone else tolerate porn? I don't even know.

OP posts:
KungFuPandaWorks · 16/04/2018 08:03

I find it quite shocking that people are minimising the fact she assaulted her husband. Assault is assault. Doesn't matter if it was a glass of water or not! Could guarantee if the person who got wet and pushed was a woman, we would not be playing it down.

Yet a guy raises his voice to a woman, and the advice of some posters on here is to LTB, he's abusive and controlling.

Love this place at times.

LimonViola · 16/04/2018 08:03

Again, I have to ask: are PP who are okay with the drink throwing saying it'd be fine for her husband to have thrown a drink in her face? Please clarify.

LimonViola · 16/04/2018 08:06

It's frightening isn't it KungFu. One thing I like about MN is how people aren't afraid to call a spade a spade, they'll call out abusive and violent behaviour and let the OP know they don't have to take it. So I'm very surprised and very horrified that people on here are minimising and saying what OP did wasn't that bad. The drink thrown, the shove, the kicking him out of his own home. I just can't believe they'd be the same if it was the other way around, which leads me to the sad conclusion it's seen as okay because a woman is doing it to a man.

We have a long long way to go before violence towards men in relationships is recognised as the violation it is, just as it is to women. No wonder some men are afraid to speak out when they're being abused if these are the kinds of replies they get. No wonder they're afraid of being seen as weak or a wuss for having a problem with these behaviours.

Helmetbymidnight · 16/04/2018 08:06

It's directed at everyone.

I don't see chucking water in face- when in shock- as a sign of violent abuse.

If I distressed my dh enormously - then I would think it a crap/stupid thing to do, but not violent abuse.

iBiscuit · 16/04/2018 08:07

If my partner found out I'd been getting my rocks off to the abuse of vulnerable people, if I'd humiliated him by doing so, I wouldn't blame him for throwing a glass of water at me and for wanting me out.

Helmetbymidnight · 16/04/2018 08:10

abuse of vulnerable people

But we have on this thread someone who had to research rape fantasies and she says they loved it.

Frightening isn't it.

LimonViola · 16/04/2018 08:10

Well, luckily it's not down to whether you see it as abuse or not. It's a crime, common assault. See link for an example of someone being prosecuted for it:

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/law-and-order/11360302/Woman-guilty-of-assault-for-throwing-water.html

LimonViola · 16/04/2018 08:12

And what if he then shoved you, and then forced you to leave the house and wouldn't allow you back in. Would you think that was abuse?

The term 'violent abuse' is a red herring I think, water being thrown at someone is abuse whether it's seen as violence or not.

SharronNeedles · 16/04/2018 08:13

The drink was thrown in anger and thrown towards someone therefore making it violent.
It's much much lower down on the scale for abuse but I wouldn't stand for it in my relationship. It's such a disrespectful act and clearly shows how little OP thinks of her partner. He didn't even know she didn't like porn!
But heck, he's a bloke. He can take it. Three cheers for equality!!

Mydoghatesthebath · 16/04/2018 08:16

So it’s ok for an adult to try and control their partner by pushing shoving throwing water over them and chucking them out of their own house.

Yes because it’s a woman doing it to a man

Wow. Double standards much. The op sounds very very unpleasant and has anger issues

iBiscuit · 16/04/2018 08:16

Helmet I despair.

KungFuPandaWorks · 16/04/2018 08:16

I also love the topic of porn on mumsnet.
The terms abused and vulnerable women get thrown around a lot in terms of porn. Not every single performer is abused or vulnerable. This statement keeps getting thrown about yet no proof what so ever to back it up.

Ibiscuit let's change porn to smoking. You'd be ok allowing your partner assaulting you because you did something he doesn't approve of like smoking? Oh ok. Bevause that's basically what this is. OP didn't approve of what he did so assaulted him.

digestOfDigest · 16/04/2018 08:18

@cocnutella

"To label this as “abuse” diminishes the word."

Someone (wasn't it you) said that this definitely would be abuse the other way around because a woman would likely be scared of a bigger and stronger person throwing the drink and shoving.

I guess that's why some women talk about equity not equality.

UpSideDownBrain · 16/04/2018 08:20

The glass of water was not a great thing to do, but it didn't hurt him. However, you did embarrass and humiliate him.
As for the porn - the idea of a man wanking off while watching prostitutes have sex is one of the biggest turn-offs I can imagine. The women become just bodies, not people, and the abuse behind the industry also becomes invisible. Similarly, I won't watch boxing because I get no pleasure from watching people hurting each other for sport.
I would be heartbroken that he has porn on a phone he let your DD use. That's really grim and in many ways the biggest issue .

Resultreturn · 16/04/2018 08:34

I suggest you calm down OP and start acting in a grown up manner. Let your husband back into god home and you know that strange thing ... talk?

Without going into my views on porn, just on this thread if anyone disagrees with you, you tell them I don't want to hear it.

Perhaps your DH tried to talk and "explain" and you as you were I pushing him out the door told him "I don't want to hear it"? How have you explained this to your children?

I think you're being totally U with your reaction. Your DH was not a threat to you, you didn't find him in bed with someone else?

You are entitled to leave the marriage over this, but you can't kick him out of the mArital home until then surely?

iBiscuit · 16/04/2018 08:37

My having a cigarette wouldn't humiliate him and wouldn't involve me masturbating to footage of people who are, on balance, probably not fully consenting to being violated.

Coveredinbeeeeeeeeeeeees · 16/04/2018 08:42

CHOO CHOO ALL ABOARD THE CRAZY TRAIN

SimplySteve · 16/04/2018 08:42

@LimonViola

"I wouldn't for a second claim it was the same as being punched or slapped, but it's extremely upsetting nontheless. It's a shock, it makes you lose your breath, its degrading and humiliating."

I thought you were talking about finding porn on your hubbys phone for a second.

coconuttella · 16/04/2018 08:44

Well, luckily it's not down to whether you see it as abuse or not. It's a crime, common assault. See link for an example of someone being prosecuted for it:

This woman committed a crime... she repeated three buckets of water over young children. She deserved to be convicted.... Yet, she was given a 12 month conditional discharge, presumably to reflect its level of seriousness. It’s hardly the sentence you’d expect for ‘child abuse’ which given you view throwing water as violently abusive it should surely have been treated as!

As for someone being charged for throwing a glass of water over their husband.... good luck with that. Yes, it’s assault, and I done for minute condone it, but in the same way travelling at 71mph is breaking the speed limit not reckless driving.

coconuttella · 16/04/2018 08:45

.... she repeatedly threw...

Original poster
JerryLarryTerryGarry · 16/04/2018 08:47

Just a bit of background re "anger issues" - we have both been under so much stress which I know is not unique, but DD had serious illness - 18 months in hospital. Also now skint as we needed to be with her in hospital 2 hour drive away. Despite looking well we are not so house on market. I know he was cutting the grass but that was because my illness has flared up and I couldn't lift the bucket off the lawnmower so asked him to do it which he reluctantly idid in case we get a viewing. He does normally leave it to me. We have just been so stressed I couldn't take anymore and it was the straw that broke the camels back.

OP posts:
Original poster
JerryLarryTerryGarry · 16/04/2018 08:49

He went to a Hotel last night apparently, and is actually not due back until Thursday night as he is going on a course in London. So do I take him back then? I don't know what it will do to DD (13) if I don't.

OP posts:
iBiscuit · 16/04/2018 08:50

Who's crazy, Coveredin ?

BertrandRussell · 16/04/2018 08:51

I find it extraordinary how many women accept porn as a. Kemal part of life. I would love to know how they make sure the porn does not involve vulnerable exploited women....(a clue-if it's free it probably does) .....or whether thy just don't care.

UpSideDownBrain · 16/04/2018 08:54

There is such a twisted perspective on this thread.
Throw a glass of water - shock horror - assault! OMG! Poor DH!
But if he watches porn - despite all the huge amounts evidence of the massive abuse that occurs every day in that industry - somehow that type of abuse is socially acceptable?