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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - just found porn on Husband's phone

853 replies

JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 19:03

Had lovely family lunch out, DH, myself, DD and DS. Came home, DH has to cut the grass. Leaves his phone with me whilst he does to view new family member photo's, then I find 3 videos and 2 photo's of downloaded stuff that shocked me to the core. Didn't jump down his throat at first as I know his brother has sent him things before that he shouldn't have, but then he freely admitted he had downloaded them and his defence was - It's lesbian porn. Threw a glass of water in his face and shoved him out the door and told him not to return. Does anyone else tolerate porn? I don't even know.

OP posts:
Greenyogagirl · 16/04/2018 05:01

@elendon I used to work in a strip club with a couple of girls who did porn, they genuinely loved it and one has won an adult film award! I’ve done glamour modelling and know a lot of porn models. Just because it’s not your life doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

Op you overreacted and assaulted him you need to apologise. It’s his personal phone, nobody should accidentally come across it. If he starts watching it constantly on the big screen tv and not wanting to have sex with you, that’s when I’d worry.

Greenyogagirl · 16/04/2018 05:05

@coconuttella she didn’t just throw water at him, she threw water at him and shoved him and that’s apparently her holding onto her temper. Men suffer abuse and assault and don’t report it because of ridiculous notions that men are stronger so women can’t hurt them.
I imagine it would be quite degrading to have your wife stumble across something perfectly normal and rather than talk about it she throws water in your face etc

SimplySteve · 16/04/2018 05:13

Male perspective. The porn industry has so many problems associated with it, I freely admit to suffering from impotence due to porn when I was a lot younger. I wouldn't tolerate porn either op , massive deal breaker for me for an array of reasons. What a waste of water though...

SimplySteve · 16/04/2018 05:14

@Writersblock2 Great post, nailed it.

OuaisMaisBon · 16/04/2018 06:05

Never read anything so ridiculous. Throwing a glass of cold water in someone's face is not assault. Deliberately pouring a kettle of boiling water over their head could well be construed as such.

Toadinthehole · 16/04/2018 06:22

Yes it is. It's quite easy to look up the law if you want. It's an assault, although a minor one.

Helmetbymidnight · 16/04/2018 07:06

Quite apart from the rights and wrongs of porn per se, I find it baffling that anyone who could take such an extreme reaction to a cup of water being thrown in the heat of an argument (which I agree was wrong of the Op) whilst being so relaxed about much of what occurs in mainstream porn.

Yes, yes it's very bizarre.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 16/04/2018 07:11

Op was shocked and upset . I don’t think glass of water in this case is necessarily assault Confused

However men do watch porn - and clearly a lot of women too ! I wouldn’t like it either OP

Try and calm down and have a chat

At least he mows the lawn Smile

digestOfDigest · 16/04/2018 07:20

How about shoving them out of their house? Still acceptable?

Helmetbymidnight · 16/04/2018 07:22

I had to research rape fantasy a while back and stumbled across rape fantasy porn. The things that I saw were NOT rape. They were acts preformed on very consenting women who couldn't act even a little bit. It may have started out with a bit of "oh no no" but everytime within 30 seconds these woman had forgotten that they were supposed to be protesting and were all moaning away like, well porn stars.

I'm still trying to work this out. The poster had to research rape fantasy? Then stumbled across some rape fantasy porn? They were supposed to be showing non consensual sex -for the viewers who get off on non consensual sex presumably - But the women loved it.

Incredible.

Thegreatestshowwomen · 16/04/2018 07:22

Wow my husband once turned the hose on me as a joke. Didn’t realise I had been assaulted Hmm

Debbie51 · 16/04/2018 07:23

Haha lesbian porn, at least it wasn't gay man porn, I don't see the problem here, get a grip.

DixieFlatline · 16/04/2018 07:25

Is it just me, or are there an entirely disproportionate number of porn advocates on this thread?

Helmetbymidnight · 16/04/2018 07:25

Violently assaulted, apparently.

Helmetbymidnight · 16/04/2018 07:28

It's the young uns,

water is a violent assault,
women in 'rape fantasy' love it really.

LimonViola · 16/04/2018 07:31

The problem was his phone is not locked - 12 year old DD could have seen it. That's my problem.

From the second page. You hand it back to him, ask him to put a passcode on his phone if he has porn on there, and get on with your day.

Not sure this thread needed nearly twenty pages when the answer is clear.

Or is it that actually that ISN'T why it bothers you, and now you're trying to backtrack and pretend it's concern for your daughter rather than your own dislike or porn? 🤔

i wanted to see a photo of a baby, not people making babies if it was lesbian porn, then unless it involved a turkey baster I think you might need to brush up on your biology.

Throwing water at him and chucking him out, you sound genuinely unhinged. I fear for your husband if that's how you respond and that is you 'being restrained'.

To OP's husband if you ever see this thread: there is help for men out there. You don't have to take this shit.

LimonViola · 16/04/2018 07:33

*Today 07:22 Thegreatestshowwomen

Wow my husband once turned the hose on me as a joke. Didn’t realise I had been assaulted hmm

I assume you're being disingenuous and faux naive here. But surely you can see the difference between jokingly splashing someone with a garden hose during a nice moment, and throwing a drink over someone in anger because you didn't like their actions, followed by kicking them out of the house, and acknowledging that was you being 'restrained'.

Mydoghatesthebath · 16/04/2018 07:37

Blimey what a complete over reaction op. I genuinely think you need help with your anger issues and if I was your partner I wouldn’t be living with you again until you did

coconuttella · 16/04/2018 07:38

How about shoving them out of their house? Still acceptable?

No. I don’t think anyone has said the Op’s actions were acceptable. It was an argument and the Op over-reacted and should apologise. To label this as “abuse” diminishes the word. There seems a tendency to call all argumentative behaviour abuse which isn’t very helpful. Raising your voice at a partner in argument is apparently emotional and possibly physical ‘abuse’. Not talking to your partner for a period after an argument is seen as emotional ‘abuse’. I’m not suggesting any of this is good... but most good relationships, let alone bad ones, have their moments when one side or the other isn’t perfect. To lurch immediately to calling such behaviour abusive and LTB is extreme and unhelpful, especially when the subject is porn where there is plenty of real abuse and exploitation going on.

LimonViola · 16/04/2018 07:42

I am kinda agog at posters downplaying how awful it is to throw a drink over somebody. Have you ever had it happen to you? I have and it's awful. I wouldn't for a second claim it was the same as being punched or slapped, but it's extremely upsetting nontheless. It's a shock, it makes you lose your breath, its degrading and humiliating. One of the worst bits is that you're now soaking wet, so the evidence of what they did is with you until you can go change and dry off. It ruins your hair and makeup you've put such care and effort into, if you wear contact lenses and it goes in your face it can hurt like hell, and then you have a mess to clean up (which the thrower rarely does, I imagine).

If my OH ever threw a drink over or at me because he didn't like something he'd seen on my phone, rather than talking to me, I would be seriously considering leaving him. It's an act of complete disrespect.

OP over reached massively. I'm trying to picture them both stood there, her seeing some porn on his phone (long enough to see all five of the videos and pictures) and then throwing water over him, shoving him, and kicking him out of the house for a prolonged period of time (long enough to be on here asking what she should do because she 'hasn't decided whether to let him back in yet'. And what I'm seeing, if those things are all true, is abuse.

And I'd be surprised if there haven't been other similar incidents. If she thinks it's okay to do this to him because she doesn't like something she's seen on his phone, how does she react at other times when he displeases her?

OP was abusive, trying to downplay this because 'it's just water' is absolutely disgusting.

Let's imagine for a second OP's husband saw some porn on her phone. He threw his drink over her, shoved her and kicked her out of the house. And couldn't decide whether to let her back in or not. Would the apologists here all be saying it's not that big a deal and those calling it abuse are overreacting?

coconuttella · 16/04/2018 07:50

I am kinda agog at posters downplaying how awful it is to throw a drink over somebody. Have you ever had it happen to you? I have and it's awful.

I have.... many, many years ago. I got a bit wet... It wasn’t especially nice but on reflection I wasn’t being very pleasant and i get why the person acted as they did. It wasn’t a big deal.

Mydoghatesthebath · 16/04/2018 07:52

Agree Limon the op acted disgracefully in my mind

Helmetbymidnight · 16/04/2018 07:54

Perhaps it's really good that porn-lovers see water throwing as violent abuse. Perhaps they take great care over what they watch and the effect porn has on society.

Helmetbymidnight · 16/04/2018 07:58

I had to research rape fantasy a while back and stumbled across rape fantasy porn

Still can't work this porn-loving post out. The good thing is that there was no violently abusive water throwing displayed, just pretend rapes- that the women loved.

LimonViola · 16/04/2018 08:01

Was that aimed at me, Helmetbymidnight? Where did I say it was violent?

Well maybe your own experience of it has led you to think it's no big deal for others who go through it, coconut. How would you have felt if you hadn't actually done anything wrong, you weren't acting poorly, and you felt they were totally out of line in doing it? And it was unwarranted? I can see why it might not have felt so bad if you believe you somehow contributed to it and it wasn't an unjust act.

It's an act of aggression and dominance imo. Designed to humiliate and hurt in a way that is swift and successful but doesn't leave a mark. It draws attention from others around who instantly think 'wow I wonder what she did to deserve that?' thus lowering you even further in everyone's eyes. You have no choice but to slink off to dry off and then the effects are felt for time afterwards as your hair and makeup and clothes are all messed up or damp. It's really very humiliating. It shows how little respect OP has for her husband she was willing to do that, and the scary thing is she claims that was her 'holding back'. I wonder what her instinct was that she was holding back? Maybe hitting him?