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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU - just found porn on Husband's phone

853 replies

JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 19:03

Had lovely family lunch out, DH, myself, DD and DS. Came home, DH has to cut the grass. Leaves his phone with me whilst he does to view new family member photo's, then I find 3 videos and 2 photo's of downloaded stuff that shocked me to the core. Didn't jump down his throat at first as I know his brother has sent him things before that he shouldn't have, but then he freely admitted he had downloaded them and his defence was - It's lesbian porn. Threw a glass of water in his face and shoved him out the door and told him not to return. Does anyone else tolerate porn? I don't even know.

OP posts:
mehhh · 15/04/2018 22:12

I think it totally depends on your view point and what the porn was... if he left the phone with you could you maybe have a look?

I know dp does and it doesn't bother me

Chairbear89 · 15/04/2018 22:15

Porn is fantasy. What's wrong with fantasy?

I think you're being daft.

Heyduggeesflipflop · 15/04/2018 22:26

Jerrylarry

Psychoanalyst is back :)

I just mean that maybe for you the porn is just something you react strongly to (in the sense you don’t like it) but what really irks you is the horrible feeling you aren’t enough, and if so the vulnerability that exposes you to?

For the record I think you overreacted and shouldnt have the poor bloke exiled to a hotel (unless this porn is of an illegal type), but acknowledge you can’t help your feelings.

The question is - is it bad enough that you would end your marriage over it? If not you need to talk it through and try to separate out the issues of him watching porn (most men do) and your own relationship.

But hey, I’m just some twat on the internet... :)

Petitepamplemousse · 15/04/2018 22:31

YABVU and ridiculous.

itsallgravybaby · 15/04/2018 22:44

So you didn't tell him your wishes, he isn't a mind reader, and then you kicked him out for something he didn't know you don't agree with HmmConfused

Everyone's different - I watch porn regularly and so does my DP and I don't mind at all. Some people are very visual and this helps them get off - as long as it's not an addiction or he starts looking at something illegal then it's fine.

Sorry OP but chances are he doesn't think of you every time he masturbates either, or is that not something you agree with either?!

Mumofkids · 15/04/2018 22:52

Unless you found seriously illegal porn, you over reacted. For some people especially if there is some poor communication or life has hit a tricky patch I can understand being hurt or shocked. But this is 2018 and porn is everywhere on the internet. You need to worry more about you child being exposed to it in general than via your husband's phone. Most people have looked at porn and I'm sure some decide it's not for them but many, especially men do enjoy the visuals and a quick release without the potential stress of sex. (Again not everyone and not making excuses but people do) I'd be more concerned that yh S over reaction is so severe he'll just thInk you are a nutter, and rather than respect your views just be more discreet and careful. This won't be an issue for you as such because you would not know but in terms of how honest your relationship is, it could be.
At the end of the day if he is some one who enjoys the release porn gives him, he's unlikely to stop just because you over react. He'll be embarrassed and more cagey. You'd be better off trying to talk openly.
Personally I don't think you need to know everything in a relationship, trust is 100% the key in a successful relationship but if he is a great husband and everything is ok then is this worth ending the relationship?
I'm aware some people feel very strongly about porn, but you can't actually control another human and I honestly think that if he comes back and says he'll never do it again, and that he's sorry, it's just because he felt embarrassed and ashamed and he won't actually stop because he's not really doing anything that bad.

coconuttella · 15/04/2018 23:06

People tend to talk about porn as though it is all the same.... There’s an enormous range between violent sadistic porn that even the most vociferous proponent would balk at, and erotic nudity as per a top shelf magazine. It’s like saying half a shandy is no different to meths.

coconuttella · 15/04/2018 23:10

And as for the water incident... Yes, it wasn’t right of the Op, and she should apologise, but the level of horror shown at this is rather OTT. So he got a bit wet... it’s hardly a massive deal.

Heyduggeesflipflop · 15/04/2018 23:23

Coconut

Playing devils advocate here, but would you take the same line if he had thrown a glass of water at her...?

coconuttella · 15/04/2018 23:34

Playing devils advocate here, but would you take the same line if he had thrown a glass of water at her...?

Probably not because of size and power of man versus a woman (in general). A woman throws water over a stronger man... a man gets annoyed that he’s wet but doesn’t feel any physical threat or fear. A man does the same, it is more likely to be a frightening and intimidating experience..... For instance, my otherwise non-violent younger sister hit me once at a train station in an argument (first and last time since she was at infant school) She was 13 I was 17 and a fair bit bigger and stronger. Was my sister right? Of course not... Was she as wrong as I would have been had i - the stronger one - hit her? Again, of course not.

I’m not for one minute saying what the Op did was right, but to conflate it with more serious assault lacks all balance and proportion.

MrMeSeeks · 15/04/2018 23:38

Once my child spilled a cup of water over her sister.
Thats not what happened here though is it? Why make out it is?

you can't be sure, then it is rape
Wtf? That’s not right..

ButchyRestingFace · 15/04/2018 23:41

Probably not because of size and power of man versus a woman (in general).

In general I tend to agree with you but not sure the logic applies to this particular case.

Throwing a glass of water over someone has the same effect whether it's a male or a female throwing it.

A female can be just as effective at doing it as a male, whereas a female throwing a punch, not so much.

Stephthegreat · 15/04/2018 23:46

It’s up to you OP,some people don’t care if their partner watches porn others find it distasteful.Youre entitled to your feelings though,if you are not happy about it and it really affects you then maybe you shouldn’t be with him.i doubt he will stop using it.

jasmin93 · 15/04/2018 23:51

If I may ask: how old are you?
I assume that my generation (mid 20s) is much more open minded these days about their sexuality. This includes watching porn by themselves or with their partners.

Instead of throwing water into his face and kicking him out, why not try to talk about this like adults ?

coconuttella · 15/04/2018 23:52

Throwing a glass of water over someone has the same effect whether it's a male or a female throwing it.

I see what you’re saying. Throwing water over someone makes them a bit wet. Not a nice thing to do but it hardly the outcry on here... However, a man acting in such a way would be feel intimidating, even though the act in isolation isn’t much to get irate about. I can hardly see someone being prosecuted for throwing water over someone, even if it’s techinically assault.

coconuttella · 15/04/2018 23:54

it hardly warrants the outcry on here

Heyduggeesflipflop · 15/04/2018 23:59

Coconut

I would politely disagree - throwing a cup of water at someone is both aggressive and humiliating in equal measure. If done in temper the relative size of the thrower is neither here nor there.

It is abusive behaviour

Angryresister · 16/04/2018 00:01

Porn is not harmless. It damages the people making it and people who watch it. It tries to show acts that most women do not want to participate in but men believe are how sex works. Younger and younger women are being forced to do things that are not consensual by young men who think this is acceptable because of the material they view. It is big business and everyone is being exploited.

RoderickRules · 16/04/2018 00:14

Re chucking the water.

Men kill their intimate partners in the UK at a rate of two per week.
Women don’t.
That makes it different.
Not saying it makes it alright, but a man wouldn’t think he might die in this scenario, a woman might.

Interestingly, porn fuels men’s anger and violence to women. Serial killers are usually prolific porn users.

Porn is abuse.
It’s not a fantasy.
When a woman is being choked in porn, she’s really a woman being choked.

The sex industry is built on the abuse of women.

It’s not ‘only’ porn.

TutTutButt · 16/04/2018 00:42

I hope he leaves you.

Italiangreyhound · 16/04/2018 01:04

@Angryresister

@ RoderickRules

Just had to return to say, brilliant posts.

coconuttella · 16/04/2018 02:15

I would politely disagree - throwing a cup of water at someone is both aggressive and humiliating in equal measure. If done in temper the relative size of the thrower is neither here nor there.

If throwing a cup of water over someone is aggressive and humiliating abuse, how the holy fuck would you describe the behaviour in much of vanilla porn, let alone the more extreme kind!

Quite apart from the rights and wrongs of porn per se, I find it baffling that anyone who could take such an extreme reaction to a cup of water being thrown in the heat of an argument (which I agree was wrong of the Op) whilst being so relaxed about much of what occurs in mainstream porn.

I can only presume its the argument that the porn star has consented to being ‘gang-banged’, ‘called a stupid bitch’ or ‘engaging in A2M’ etc... I’m not even touching the extreme stuff . In mainstream porn she very probably has consented to this (though she may not have), but you’re naive if you believe many if any of them would enthusiastically consent to such shit in their private sexual lives. In general (and yes there may be some who actively enjoy that stuff) they consent because they are vulnerable and troubled. Now, you may argue that consent is consent, but if you choose not to see past that, your actions are wantonly sordid.

digestOfDigest · 16/04/2018 04:05

He should leave you. You are abusive. If I were him I would be worried about you being left with your child.

I don't mind porn as long as it is 'normal', between consenting adults and does not affect my real sex life.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 16/04/2018 04:19

Well, i certainly wouldn't have thrown water, but i'd be just as angry as you.
I do not agree with porn, at all. To me, if you are in a relationship, you shouldn't be looking at anyone else in a sexual way. Of course walking down the street you'll notice if someone is good looking, i'm not saying you can't feel any attraction to anyone else ever, but you shouldn't go looking for someone other than your partner to look at sexually. To me that feels like cheating, maybe it doesn't to the majority, but to me, it does.

I am very clear about my feelings about porn before i enter a relationship. If they aren't willing to not view pornographic videos or images, a relationship between us doesn't happen. If i find out later on that someone who said they understood, agreed not to to watch/look at it, and got into a relationship with me, was indeed watching/looking at porn, i'd feel very betrayed. I would feel cheated on, and thats not a choice to feel that way, it is just how i feel, so it isn't unreasonable, especially as i would have been very clear about it before the relationship started. It would majorly negatively affect my self confidence, my trust in them, and how stable the relationship was. I'd react badly, i'd shout, i'd cry, but i wouldn't assault them. I'd not want them near me so i would go to a different room, and no way they'd be sleeping in the same bed as me that night, but i wouldn't throw someone out unless it was my home they were in, not ours.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 16/04/2018 04:25

The internet is for porn.