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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - just found porn on Husband's phone

853 replies

JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 19:03

Had lovely family lunch out, DH, myself, DD and DS. Came home, DH has to cut the grass. Leaves his phone with me whilst he does to view new family member photo's, then I find 3 videos and 2 photo's of downloaded stuff that shocked me to the core. Didn't jump down his throat at first as I know his brother has sent him things before that he shouldn't have, but then he freely admitted he had downloaded them and his defence was - It's lesbian porn. Threw a glass of water in his face and shoved him out the door and told him not to return. Does anyone else tolerate porn? I don't even know.

OP posts:
Original poster
JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 21:04

MsQuiz - The e-mail was from his brother years ago, and although I didn't love it, it didn't particularly bother me. The problem this time is he downloaded this himself and was not hidden in the slightest.

I think what is bothering me is that until today, I didn't know I wasn't enough for him. As far as I knew everything with us was great that way. He's never given me a minutes doubt ever until now. I don't know what this means.

OP posts:
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/04/2018 21:05

Well, italian let's get specific. I wouldn't want my kids to go into the Armed Forces, in case they, you know, end up dead. But I'm glad we have an army. If my child wanted to go into the porn industry, it wouldn't be my first choice, no, but I also don't think it's anything to be ashamed of either.

Original poster
JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 21:05

Italiangreyhound - good one.

OP posts:
Blaablaablaa · 15/04/2018 21:06

@russsa you could apply that logic to a lot of things. I have loads of stuff to do but I've spent this afternoon drinking wine with my friend. Horses for courses ...how we spend our own free time is our business

Blaablaablaa · 15/04/2018 21:08

@jerry don't assume him watching porn means you aren't enough.
I watch lesbian porn and that in no way is a reflection on my husband and his ability to satisfy me. I still fancy the pants of him and we have sex most days

Italiangreyhound · 15/04/2018 21:08

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream "Well, italian let's get specific. I wouldn't want my kids to go into the Armed Forces, in case they, you know, end up dead."

Yes, I can see what you mean, me neither. But I would say if that was their choice I'd respect it more than being a porn 'sar' (who I wonder are the non-stars in porn).

"But I'm glad we have an army." Yes, me too.

"If my child wanted to go into the porn industry, it wouldn't be my first choice, no, but I also don't think it's anything to be ashamed of either."

Would you try and talk them out of it?

Don't answer if you don't want to. Thanks

Original poster
JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 21:09

Blaablaablaa - that is very honest of you and that is very nice of you to tell me that.

OP posts:
Jannilost · 15/04/2018 21:10

So op you assaulted your husband? Hope you get a good solicitor if he tries divorces you, cause he can now use that against you.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/04/2018 21:10

Yes italian I would try and talk them out of it. It's obviously not a great career choice.

Heyduggeesflipflop · 15/04/2018 21:12

Sorry to psychoanalyse, but are you sure porn isn’t acting as a proxy for wider insecurity issues on your part?

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 15/04/2018 21:13

I didn't know I wasn't enough for him.

OP I watch porn on a regular basis. It’s nothing to do with DH; it doesn’t change how attractive I find him or how much he turns me on. We still have a regular, healthy sex life.

Original poster
JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 21:14

Whattodo - Thank you for telling me that. I am not against porn per se, I am just really shocked that he has effectively been carrying it around on him. I would never have thought he would do that.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 15/04/2018 21:15

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream (glad) Thanks

Men are beating and attacking their wives and getting off but God forbid a woman throw a glass of water at a man!

I'm out OP good luck.

FASH84 · 15/04/2018 21:15

Having worked with trafficked and exploited vulnerable women, I could never engage with porn without knowing those involved were truly consenting, and if they were was it because of prior trauma, DH knows this, but if I find porn in his phone I'd express my disappointment and reiterate why I don't think the industry is ok, but there is no way I'd flip out in that way. I just hope there were no children around. Could you imagine the reaction if a male had behaved the way you have.

Llanali · 15/04/2018 21:16

Watching porn and having a satisfactory happy marriage are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

I watch it; it’s got absolutely nothing to do with my husband being ‘enough’.

CastielIsMyAngel · 15/04/2018 21:16

OP, you say you’ve name changed then say *you are the kind of poster (if that's what it's called) that I am on here to hear from• and several times say you want to know if porn is normal, that’s why you’re here. So I don’t believe you’re not brand spanking new.

And telling people they’re not nice just because they call out your behaviour is not nice. Also, you’re not nice judging by your posts.

Original poster
JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 21:17

Heydug - sorry - care to elaborate? You might be on to something and I'm not sure exactly what you mean. Honestly.

Greyhound - thank you

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yetmorecrap · 15/04/2018 21:17

I wonder Jerry though if there are other issues in your marriage , because as mentioned above I was very peed off to see how much my husband was using it and lying about it, however I think this is exacerbated by the fact I'm somewhat unhappy about various things between us and it seems like another thing to pee me off.

Justanotherlurker · 15/04/2018 21:17

I think there is a massive difference in what they think they are signing up for and what they get. It's often not so much rape as coercian

No it isn't. they get to decide if they want to participate with the theme of the shoot and have a say on the opposite performer, despite what some make out, its the woman who hold the majority of the cards with the respect of porn.

There was a recent situation where a woman killed herself as she was deemed homophobic as she did not want to perform a scene with a male who was also a star in the male gay porn scene.

The vast/vast majority of people that bullied her were women

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 15/04/2018 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

IIIustriouslyIllogical · 15/04/2018 21:20

OK, so now you get to throw water in his face everytime he does something he doesn't like.

Cool.

Original poster
JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 21:21

Yetmorecrap - I think every marriage has it's ups and downs. I honestly think though this is so not who I thought he was, I am just so shocked that I can't take it in. I have never found anything about him that made me wonder - other women, this type of thing, where he is, I thought he was so ridiculously loyal that I was so lucky. I feel I don't know him like i thought.

OP posts:
Jannilost · 15/04/2018 21:22

To one poster. Yes women get beat and hit. But so do men.
If a man threw water at a women it would be LTB. This is the same he has been assulted.
I hope he forgives you OP but he doesn't need to apologise you do. You assaulted him.
He watched a adult video that he legally can.

Jannilost · 15/04/2018 21:24

Oh fuck off with the I don't think I know him like I did. He watched a legal service that you agent told him he didn't like. Get a fucking grip.

Original poster
JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 21:24

Jannilost - there's no need to swear.

OP posts: