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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - just found porn on Husband's phone

853 replies

JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 19:03

Had lovely family lunch out, DH, myself, DD and DS. Came home, DH has to cut the grass. Leaves his phone with me whilst he does to view new family member photo's, then I find 3 videos and 2 photo's of downloaded stuff that shocked me to the core. Didn't jump down his throat at first as I know his brother has sent him things before that he shouldn't have, but then he freely admitted he had downloaded them and his defence was - It's lesbian porn. Threw a glass of water in his face and shoved him out the door and told him not to return. Does anyone else tolerate porn? I don't even know.

OP posts:
ShowMePotatoSalad · 15/04/2018 20:47

If you don't want to be with someone who watches it, then you don't have to be with that person. But you need to recognise it's your decision based on your personal feelings - you can't dictate to others and he's done nothing wrong. Throwing water in his face is definitely wrong. Perhaps you would both be happier apart.

himynameiss · 15/04/2018 20:47

Let’s get one thing straight here, throwing water in someone’s face is not assault.

TheLongHotSummer · 15/04/2018 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

YoloSwaggins · 15/04/2018 20:49

If you can't be sure, then it is rape.

Are you for real?

So everytime you hear your neighbours shagging, you ring the police? Or go round and knock saying "excuse me, but is this consensual"?

Holy bejesus. I think you're projecting your own issues, sorry.

PolkaDotBlues · 15/04/2018 20:49

Literally every post on here regarding pornography ends the same way. A load of people who think it's great, a load who despise it, and a few that compare it to rape. It's getting boring to read. If you don't like your partner l watching porn then talk to him about it. Chances are he's always done it and when you do finally talk to him about it he'll only remember to delete it from his phone so you don't find it. Especially now he knows he's going to get water in his face every time!

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/04/2018 20:49

italian There's lots of industries I'd prefer my kids not to work in, but I may still be happy to use their services.

Llanali · 15/04/2018 20:50

*If you can't be sure, then it is rape. Personally, I don't want to listen to take it down the throat babe and vomit, let me hit you bitch, cry for me bitch.

If I heard that then I would be concerned.*

So might I. But a) that isn’t what I hear when I watch porn. And b) I don’t have to be sure! I need to be sure my sexual interactions are consensual for all involved parties.

Chortlesauraus · 15/04/2018 20:50

Well, this has moved on a bit hasn't it

Emma198 · 15/04/2018 20:50

Total overreaction. You were so out of order to throw the water in his face. Not on at all. If he knows how you feel about porn then he needs to apologise for not being more discreet, and you need to apologise for throwing water in his face.

If this post was a woman whose husband found something on her phone he didn't like and threw water in her face there'd be deafening cries of LTB I can't believe that there's posters downplaying it.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/04/2018 20:50

@Elendon, your logic is frightening. You honestly believe that just because you don't have first-hand knowledge that sex between 2 people is consensual, as in the case of a couple in an adjoining room, then the woman is being raped? Perhaps the man is being raped, using that absurd logic. Should we then call the police to report on a situation we know nothing about? Who do you think you are that YOU are entitled to be "sure" regarding other people's private affairs? You are talking out of your ass. Please go to therapy.

DistanceCall · 15/04/2018 20:51

Erm - I think most actors (male and female) in adult films apply for the jobs voluntarily. They aren't kidnapped or drugged or forced to do it.

If you don't like porn, that's fine. But that doesn't make it rape. FFS.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/04/2018 20:51

Fine thelonghotsummer, we're disgusting and evil, idiots, yadda yadda yadda. I think you've made your point.

Helmetbymidnight · 15/04/2018 20:52

It's 'violent assault' according to people who watch loads of porn (very peaceful/careful/zen porn I guess)

MsSquiz · 15/04/2018 20:54

@JerryLarryTerryGarry if you haven't spoken to your husband about your views on porn, how can you expect him to be understanding of your views?

I also don't understand how you haven't had the conversation with him when you say previously his brother has sent him porn - why not mention to him then that you are strongly against it?

Surely if this is his "first offence" you could have spoken to him about it like an adult?

ificouldwritealettertome · 15/04/2018 20:54

Woah that reaction is so ott! Poor bloke!

kungpopanda · 15/04/2018 20:55

Let’s get one thing straight here, throwing water in someone’s face is not assault
oh, I think you will find that technically it is.

WTF is wrong with these people who 'share' phones with one another? And frankly, even if the husband of the OP, assuming any of this is real, hadn't received explicit orders not to watch porn, why the hell had he not password protected the phone?

Italiangreyhound · 15/04/2018 20:59

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream "italian There's lots of industries I'd prefer my kids not to work in, but I may still be happy to use their services."

That's an honest answer.

Like what industry?

And what about the porn industry, would you be happy for your child to work in that industry?

You see the other side of this might be a kind of 'I'm jealous of my partner looking at an attractive young woman."

Would people understand if that was the objection of the OP?

You see to me I would hate my husband watching porn because I think it is an abusive industry.

But also if my next door neighbor stripped off in the garden and had sex with he partner and told my dh he could watch, I would probably be upset pretty upset at him looking at another women stripping off/having sex. But it would be different.

Is there any reason a person can give for not wanting their intimate partner watching other people in the nude/having sex? Just curious.

Susanjeffery1984 · 15/04/2018 20:59

“As fake as your orgasms”
This really has taken a turn for the playground.

Susanjeffery1984 · 15/04/2018 21:00

@Helmetbymidnight totally agree. They also live under a rock.

russsa · 15/04/2018 21:00

Blech I'd not be happy! Who are all these people watching more porn than their husbands? Don't you have stuff to do?

Beaverhausen · 15/04/2018 21:01

OP your best betis to talk to him and be open and honest about how it makes you feel and ask him whether there is something that he feels is missing from your sex life. If he says another woman, kick him in the balls. Only joking, don't kick him in the balls.

A lot of men watch porno to want off too and some out of curiosity.

Just talk to him.

mogratpineapple · 15/04/2018 21:02

We watch porn in our relationship together, for our mutual benefit. If I thought he was using it behind my back I would be upset.

Every time the porn thing comes up it's a debate on here about for/against, when that is not really relevant to the original point.

Italiangreyhound · 15/04/2018 21:03

@MsSquiz "if you haven't spoken to your husband about your views on porn, how can you expect him to be understanding of your views?"

Well; I am guessing her dh knew full well she would not be happy, do you think he might have hidden his porn watching?

Your assumption is that porn is normal and one kind of needs to seek permission to say it is not OK. My position is it is nor normal or OK so I would expect a life partner I lived with to say, I watch porn, is that OK? Probably quite early in the relationship. Not assume it was OK.

I guess it;s a bit like fidelity, I would expect the default to be that a person living with another person was going to be sexually faithful. They might talk and agree not to be. But if I caught my dh in bed with another woman, I personally would not expect him to say "but you never said this was not OK!"

yetmorecrap · 15/04/2018 21:03

My H has a problem with porn and secrecy. My issues around it are less about what it is (n his case virtually all mature lesbian porn) and more about the fact he has always said he wasn't that interested and watched it very very occasionally when away (which I know is 4 or 5 times a week at home when I'm out) . He goes to great pains to hide and delete etc, but forgets I have the router stats on my firewall and doesn't matter if it's private browsed or not. he knows my viwEs on it and yet persists and I have dropped hints without getting bolshy. . The thing is I'm not against it as an occasional thing and have looked myself on odd occasions but I am against it being a secretive frequent habit because to be honest when it's used this much and that kind of act is all he wants in real life too, it totally turns me off him. Others may not have an issue and that's fine but I know for me, it's a mental switch off,

hdh747 · 15/04/2018 21:03

Erm - I think most actors (male and female) in adult films apply for the jobs voluntarily.
I think there is a massive difference in what they think they are signing up for and what they get. It's often not so much rape as coercian. Yes ideally women would all be able to stand up for themselves (and men too) and draw the line, but sadly it never happens in many cases. And yes it can run into outright abuse and rape, since anyone who has 'signed up for porn' clearly has NO rights as to what happens to them.
Slightly off-topic, but in 29 countries around the world, one-third or more of men say it can be acceptable for a husband to "beat his wife." Perhaps more surprising: In 19 countries, one-third or more of women agree that a husband who beats his wife may be justified, at least some of the time.
I have no right to force my morals on anyone else. But I do feel the need to state what they are. And sometimes that means saying I think something is wrong even when lots of others disagree.