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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - just found porn on Husband's phone

853 replies

JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 19:03

Had lovely family lunch out, DH, myself, DD and DS. Came home, DH has to cut the grass. Leaves his phone with me whilst he does to view new family member photo's, then I find 3 videos and 2 photo's of downloaded stuff that shocked me to the core. Didn't jump down his throat at first as I know his brother has sent him things before that he shouldn't have, but then he freely admitted he had downloaded them and his defence was - It's lesbian porn. Threw a glass of water in his face and shoved him out the door and told him not to return. Does anyone else tolerate porn? I don't even know.

OP posts:
Original poster
JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 20:12

seventh - do you know what - in days gone by I didn't believe some of these threads either, but this actually happened.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 15/04/2018 20:12

Thing I don't understand is how he could only just discover you don't like it, OP. Very early on in our relationship I made it clear as day that I hate porn, it offends every feminist instinct I have and I won't have it in the house. No ambiguity.

While I think your reaction was extreme, I think a lot of other people are over reacting to it, you hardly battered him with a shovel. You absolutely do need to discuss this like adults, though.

Quickerthanavicar · 15/04/2018 20:12

OK, so he's a bit thick to have it on his phone but as the song goes, "The internet is for porn."
Wouldn't bother me at all, sorry you were shocked OP.

iBiscuit · 15/04/2018 20:13

Graphista has it, I reckon.

So many posters baffled that porn might be rape Hmm

Catspaws · 15/04/2018 20:14

You threw water in his face?! That's literally abusive behaviour, how could you?

If a man did this to a woman everyone on this site would be telling her to leave him.

KnightofWands · 15/04/2018 20:15

YABU.

Either this is something that he needs outside your relationship - in which case what's your problem - or there is something lacking in the relationship - in which case you should be finding a solution that works for you both not throwing water on him. Or is just "your way or no way"?

Original poster
JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 20:15

Bluelady - it's just that I don't think it should have been so obviously there. If he dropped his phone in the street and someone looked through it to see who's phone it was, it would have been right there. That's what has gotten to me.

OP posts:
Elendon · 15/04/2018 20:15

Can you be 100% sure the porn you are watching is CONSENUAL?

If the answer to this question is NO, then you are watching non consensual sex - which is rape.

Serialweightwatcher · 15/04/2018 20:15

Adaline The only thing that could upset either of us to that extent would be cheating or disloyalty which I assume is how the OP felt - that her DH was being disloyal (whether he thought he was or not). If either of us hurt the other badly then fine, we'd deserve wearing a glass of water

Italiangreyhound · 15/04/2018 20:15

@JerryLarryTerryGarry loads of people will tell you they are fine with porn and it's all OK. You decide how you feel, talk to your dh and decide what is going to happen in your marriage.

Loads of people on mumsent will love to tell you how cool they are with it. Maybe they don't care about the women caught up in the abusive 'industry' of porn, who knows. You decide for yourself.

AyeAyeFishyPie · 15/04/2018 20:15

catspaws completely agree, especially with OP's follow up line that she was 'holding back'. The words 'red flag' would be typed quick than you can spell porn.

Mamabear1475 · 15/04/2018 20:16

Shut the fuck up @elendon

ICantCopeAnymore · 15/04/2018 20:16

It's just porn, christ.

hdh747 · 15/04/2018 20:16

hdh you are talking shit. Women who use porn find it a turn on in the same way men do. Simple as that. Sorry to disappoint.
I didn't say I couldn't see how people can find watching other people have sex a turn on. I can. I said, I can't understand how seeing other people exploited and abused is a turn on. If you are watching genuinely ethical porn I have NO problem. I seriously doubt most people on here will have even bothered to find out. So it will almost certainly NOT be.

Uniquack · 15/04/2018 20:16

People watch porn, it's a fact. Just because you've never seen your DH do it, doesn't mean he's never done it. I think you should actually be grateful that he told you the truth, and didn't try and hide it from you. To me his honesty is a lot more important than his watching a bit of porn.

And no - it wouldn't bother me. I know and fully accept that most men (and women) watch porn.

ERipley · 15/04/2018 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Italiangreyhound · 15/04/2018 20:17

OP don't worry about the water thing, it's OK. I mean it's not nice but then I think watching women be fucked for money is not nice so I guess you felt upset.

Original poster
JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 20:17

Quickerthancaviar - I am not really shocked by porn. Just never seen it on my husband's phone before. And now it's all gone haywire. That's what i'm asking everyone - what should I do?

OP posts:
idobelieveinfairies86 · 15/04/2018 20:17

tolerate it? No I do not "tolerate" anything that my dh does. If the question was meant to be am I bothered that my dh watches porn, then no I am not.

I have know "real violence" @OP (so I hope it's ok for me to post 🙄), the kind that puts u in the icu in an induced coma, but that is physical violence. What u have done is physical violence, however whilst a glass of water to the face may not hurt him physically, it can hurt emotionally, which is just as damaging. Also, if you are married (I missed whether u were or not), then u have also broken the law by throwing him out as he has every legal right to be in the marital home. (If you are not married then he may still have the legal right to entry if you rent and are joint tenants or he is a joint owner/pays towards the mortgage.)

Now as for the porn, you are totally at fault here. You have said that you have not had a talk where you explained that porn is a deal breaker for you (obvious by his not hiding it and giving you free reign over the phone), therefore he absolutely cannot be held responsible for not reading your mind. If he was aware that it was a problem for you then it would be him in the wrong (although, still not wrong enough for you to attack him).
It is not ok to hit anybody but I am very glad for his sake that u 'held back' as had you hone further he would have had every right (moral and legal) to defend himself and then probably would have found himself branded an abusively violent porn watching bastard.

With regard to your dd (12 I believe) why would she be having unsupervised use of a phone that can obviously connect to the internet? Have you asked your oh about this? Regardless, if that was the issue here you would have said so in the op as that is quite a vital piece of info to leave out (and a massive drip feed, which most experienced mnetters will tell u is 1 of the biggest bugbears going)

If there is any coming back from what has happened today, (I couldn't honestly blame him if he told u where to go, could u?), then I think anger management for you and communication therapy for the both of you is needed as this is a conversation that should of been had when you first got together.

OnionKnight · 15/04/2018 20:17

*Can you be 100% sure the porn you are watching is CONSENUAL?

If the answer to this question is NO, then you are watching non consensual sex - which is rape.*

That doesn't make sense.

If someone is unsure of something it doesn't make that something wrong.

iBiscuit · 15/04/2018 20:17

I hope those claiming to be cool with porn haven't actually seen any recently.

Elendon · 15/04/2018 20:18

Porn is like a religion, yes.

It's a belief that has no concept in reality.

YoloSwaggins · 15/04/2018 20:18

*Can you be 100% sure the porn you are watching is CONSENUAL?

If the answer to this question is NO, then you are watching non consensual sex *

Nope. That's a logical fallacy. Let me correct that for you.

If the answer to this question is NO...then you may OR may not be watching consensual sex.

That doesn't equate to 100%. What a load of bollox.

Original poster
JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 20:18

Uniquack - thank you for your opinion and your advice.

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 15/04/2018 20:19

Why do you hope that iBiscuit? If people are cool with porn I assume they are likely to have watched it.