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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband angry aibu?

142 replies

poopsqueak · 15/04/2018 09:30

Need help.

Genuinely don't know if I am being aibu or he is.

dGM does regular childcare, I.e once a week and a couple of solid weeks in the holidays.

I organise where DD is for each week of hols etc. She will be with GM 2 weeks (separate)

She came home a couple of weeks ago telling me that she was going to centreparcs with GM. I texted GM and said 'DD says she is going to centreparcs?' And Gm said 'yes booked it for xxxx' (week she has her).

I text DH and said 'mums asking if it's ok to take DD to centreparcs the week she has her' and he replied 'I wanted to take her back in the future' and I said 'yes but we don't have any holidays left this year, so it would be next Easter at he earliest' and he didn't reply.

DD has now told DH that she is 'going to centreparcs' and his kicked off with me about my mum just booking things without asking us. (She didn't but then again I don't mind and DD is getting an extra free holiday so I don't actually begrudge that)

So he's now stormed upstairs and swore at me and said to leave him alone. Which I have done. DD is crying because she saw his reaction and thinks she won't be allowed to go on holiday now.

My argument is that she's staying with my mum for a week anyway, and she's getting a free holiday. I totally accept I should have made it clear she had booked it but was worried about his reaction. Hmm. Aibu?

OP posts:
londonrach · 16/04/2018 06:57

Id be vvv cross at my dm or dmil if they booked a holiday for dd without telling me. Its abit controlling. Maybe thats what upset dh.

Quartz2208 · 16/04/2018 07:13

Whilst he did overreact can you blame him. He was asked said he did mend and was told it was happening anyway and then his dd made him feel guilty

Personally I think your mum was out of order not asking especially if she has form for ignoring. You need to drum this point home, that a decision needs to be made jointly

rocketgirl22 · 16/04/2018 07:15

You said your mum has form for being over involved. Your dh is sick and tired of your mother, his reaction is nothing to do with you and everything to do with the constant interference from your dm.

It is kind of your dm but she should have asked, his feeling might be that he is fed up with her. I wouldn't let the resentment fester. Thank your mum for the holiday but tell her they need to check first.

Speak to dh and tell him it won't happen again, he may feel a complete loss of control over his own life and child, and no one likes feeling that way as a grown adult. He is acting like a man child because he is being treated that way. I think in future you need to have a better handle on your family and don't allow them to interfere on the pretext of doing you a favour ( they are not helping if it is having a negative impact on all of you)

Mary1935 · 16/04/2018 07:41

I wonder what else he does that could be seen as controlling at times. It's just you said "walking on eggshells" - does he always like to get his own way and storm off when he doesn't.
I be jumping for joy if we had decent grandparents who wanted to take my son away.
Are you looking forward to being a week child free with him? The answer will be very telling.
Look after yourself and your daughter will have lots of fun. He should apologise to you both for being an Arse.

Quartz2208 · 16/04/2018 07:54

Yes but maybe it’s because he had no control in this situation at all

Bumblefuddle · 16/04/2018 08:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2andcountingtodate · 16/04/2018 08:12

Im glad all is sorted OP. He did sound unreasonsble but you saying you found it hard to say no to your mum and admitting you found her overly involved...massive red flags for your dh.

FindingNormal · 16/04/2018 08:17

I would massively massively fucked off if either my parents or in laws booked to take my girls away for a week without asking. Yes his reaction was a bit childish but can totally see why he was annoyed.

2andcountingtodate · 16/04/2018 08:18

This sort of behaviour, the controlling and lack of your mums respect for you both snd boundries, it isnt good. Its lovely dd gets to go away but all three of you behaved poorly: one was sly, one lied and one overreacted. It didnt have to be. You mum could havd asked, then booked. Not told your dd to ensure you couldnt say no.

If you had had sonething booked that week op, an appointment for your dd that couldnt be changed but you hadnt yet told you mum about, what would you do? How would you feel if because your mum did that, you had to say no to your dd and upset her? Your mum had no idea if anything like that could have been happening. She did as you said she does...what she wants.

sunshinesupermum · 16/04/2018 08:20

I ask DD about what to buy/do with the DGSs and she always checks with her DH.

It can be really frustrating sometimes as it severely limits what I do with DGSs as 'he/they want to do x first with the children'. I also buy far less for them now which helps my bank balance but makes me sad as 'they want to buy the first xxx' etc.

I do think OP's DH has gone over the top with his response although my DSIL would have done the same I'm pretty sure.

Pengggwn · 16/04/2018 08:31

I think he was right. Your mum should not be booking holidays without asking you both. You misled him, and he was right to be annoyed.

DeccaMitfordsEntryVisa · 16/04/2018 08:48

I have to say of my mother did this for my child (which she never did/would) I would be very grateful for her kindness.

She was having her for the 2 weeks anyway - this is a lovely way to spend some of that time

DisturblinglyOrangeScrambleEgg · 16/04/2018 08:59

It's centre parcs - the joy isn't going for the first time, it's having a place the kids are familiar with that's safe, and has stuff to do.

If my parents or parents in law were having my kids for a week, I think that taking them to centre parcs would be awesome - take some of the heat off them keeping the children amused!

Juells · 16/04/2018 09:01

"You will look after my children when I need you to, but under no circumstances are you to enjoy it."

Flipping cheek. Free childcare, no thanks, you think you're doing her a favour.

Serialweightwatcher · 16/04/2018 09:02

He's being an idiot - our kids are now teens and neither my DH's parents or my mum have even taken them out for one day, let alone on a holiday. DH's parents have babysat 3 times in 18 years!! He should be just pleased that your DD gets to have a great time and stop being selfish

BlankTimes · 16/04/2018 09:12

There's another thread (last week-ish) from a mum in your husband's situation. Her MIL is taking her child on holiday and she wasn't asked because her husband had already said it was a great idea as his mum was having gc for 2 weeks and now one of those would be a lovely holiday.
Same situation, different parent feeling snubbed and not consulted.

Maybe in both cases better communication would go a long way.

Cuppaoftea · 16/04/2018 09:15

I feel sorry for your DD tbh, having to suffer her Dad's ego when she should have just been excited about her time in the holidays with Gran (who is doing you a huge favour already providing childcare).

He sounds like he's going to be really hard work as your DD gets older.

MumofBoysx2 · 16/04/2018 09:25

He's being an idiot. Fancy making your daughter upset like that. And what a lovely surprise from Grandma - he should be grateful. YANBU!

Inthedeepdarkwinter · 16/04/2018 09:29

I would not expect my mum to book a holiday for my child without asking. My mum takes my children away on great holidays, but she always consults with us first- in case there's events to attend, I think they might be too tired, is it the right type of place? It's not ok to just book stuff and then present it to the child, it's very manipulative, knowing the child will then be excited and disappointed if they can't go.

There's no reason NOT to ask, unless you are a manipulative person. And- if the dad wanted to take the children away there himself, then my mum would take them elsewhere.

I think over-involved families can end up imploding and going NC if respect and sensible discussion isn't had on all sides.

peacheachpearplum · 16/04/2018 09:37

However, I don't think I'd be overly impressed if my inlaws booked a hol for my kids without even asking me, but luckily they would be more considerate than that Are you always selfish? Getting free childcare and your child having a holiday, why would you begrudge them that?

Some people are so controlling. Why not pay for childcare?

Juells · 16/04/2018 09:42

When my eldest was a baby my PiL offered to childmind. They did something I specifically asked them not to do, so I put her with a childminder from then on.

If you don't like what your MiL has done, pay for your childminding.

Dungeondragon15 · 16/04/2018 09:50

Your mother is really out of order to book the holiday and tell your DD without discussing it with you first. The fact that she does some childcare does not give her the right to override you on this sort of thing so I don't blame your DH at all for being annoyed with her for overriding you as parents or you for covering up for your mother.
He was childish to refuse to let your DD go though. That was very selfish or him.

Chathamhouserules · 16/04/2018 09:51

It's kind of your mum to take her away but absolutely she should have asked first. I'd be really annoyed, especially when it was first sprung on me. Given time I'd probably cool down and think 'lucky dd', but if you're mums got form for this then your husband is probably over sensitized to it as well.

peacheachpearplum · 16/04/2018 09:52

I guess if he doesn't let her go he needs to sort out childcare for the week unless he expects your mum to cancel her holiday.

Quartz2208 · 16/04/2018 11:22

peach its not being selfish to expect to be consulted on a decision relating to his child, its common courtsey

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