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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband angry aibu?

142 replies

poopsqueak · 15/04/2018 09:30

Need help.

Genuinely don't know if I am being aibu or he is.

dGM does regular childcare, I.e once a week and a couple of solid weeks in the holidays.

I organise where DD is for each week of hols etc. She will be with GM 2 weeks (separate)

She came home a couple of weeks ago telling me that she was going to centreparcs with GM. I texted GM and said 'DD says she is going to centreparcs?' And Gm said 'yes booked it for xxxx' (week she has her).

I text DH and said 'mums asking if it's ok to take DD to centreparcs the week she has her' and he replied 'I wanted to take her back in the future' and I said 'yes but we don't have any holidays left this year, so it would be next Easter at he earliest' and he didn't reply.

DD has now told DH that she is 'going to centreparcs' and his kicked off with me about my mum just booking things without asking us. (She didn't but then again I don't mind and DD is getting an extra free holiday so I don't actually begrudge that)

So he's now stormed upstairs and swore at me and said to leave him alone. Which I have done. DD is crying because she saw his reaction and thinks she won't be allowed to go on holiday now.

My argument is that she's staying with my mum for a week anyway, and she's getting a free holiday. I totally accept I should have made it clear she had booked it but was worried about his reaction. Hmm. Aibu?

OP posts:
Bumblefuddle · 15/04/2018 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bumblefuddle · 15/04/2018 10:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Luckingfovely · 15/04/2018 10:22

Haha there is an exact opposite thread running as well:

Cross with mil- am I right to be?www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3222630-Cross-with-mil-am-I-right-to-be

What lovely grandmothers there are out there! 😊

Seriously - you handed the situation badly and should have been straight; but the holiday is absolutely bloody fine.

Luckingfovely · 15/04/2018 10:22

Haha there is an exact opposite thread running as well:

Cross with mil- am I right to be?www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3222630-Cross-with-mil-am-I-right-to-be

What lovely grandmothers there are out there! 😊

Seriously - you handed the situation badly and should have been straight; but the holiday is absolutely bloody fine.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/04/2018 10:22

Your mother booked without asking. So I think she should have been called out on her behaviour, which she wasn’t. Instead you placated/sided with her. Thus meaning you probably do not have good boundaries with her.

Had you given your mother permission to book the holiday off the back of the conversation with your dh, then I’d say he’s bu as he failed to discuss the situation with you and instead walked away.

It sounds as if there is a lot going on and your parents are taking on too much of the parenting role and not enough of the gp. It is difficult though considering you’re using them for childcare as opposed to holiday clubs.

Spiggle123 · 15/04/2018 10:23

If my MIL did this I’d be grateful that she was willing to give up a week of her life to care for her granddaughter, and that she was taking her somewhere lovely that she’d enjoy

Ditto. I would have been excited for my dd to have an extra nice time.

Catspaws · 15/04/2018 10:24

What kind of arsehole man gets this angry about his daughter being taken on a free holiday? And then gets angry IN FRONT OF said daughter?

Honestly I would be marching up to him and telling him he is being absolutely unacceptable and a nasty arsehole to boot.

RedDwarves · 15/04/2018 10:29

He's being a twat.

She would've had your daughter during that time regardless. Why should she be expected to do the same mundane things they do day in and day out when they're together? Why shouldn't she be able to give your daughter on experiences you're currently unable give her? It's not as though you can never take your daughter on a holiday again (even this particular holiday, but perhaps it'll give you and your DH the impetus to put aside more money/build up more annual leave for a specific purpose.

Grandparents are supposed to spoil their grandchildren. That's their role! My mum indulges my DC more than my DH and I do, and that's how it's supposed to be. There's no need for the competition (which it seems to me is how your DH is viewing this situation) or one-upmanship. Your daughter knows you're her parents, and with time she'll learn the dynamics of the relationships in her life and why you cannot just take off on holidays while her grandmother can. It's fine.

I do wonder how much his own parents are involved with your DD though? Could there be an element of resentment that it's your parents doing all of this with DD and his parents aren't getting that opportunity?

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 15/04/2018 10:30

From your follow up post you’ve admitted that she oversteps the mark often. Most people would ask the parents of children before booking something.

I’m really close to one of my brothers, his wife and their kids and they often very laid back, but even I would ask if before booking something even I know they wouldn’t have an issue with it. It’s common decency.

Your mother sounds manipulative, and I expect that this is just one more incident on top of a whole lot of history.

Bumblefuddle · 15/04/2018 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Juells · 15/04/2018 10:32

GM is providing free childcare, has plans for that week and has paid, so if it doesn't suit DP he could take a week off work and look after DD himself.

There, sorted.

Neverender · 15/04/2018 10:36

He's being a knob. My DH is on a stag do for the weekend and got annoyed with me yesterday for taking DD to the zoo without him. I told him to 'Do one'.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 15/04/2018 10:36

Pay for your childcare and stop having children with these men

Original poster
poopsqueak · 15/04/2018 10:37

Bumble, you sound like you have had a really tough time, but please don't ever equate one post on Mumsnet to your entire relationship.

He is away for most of the summer holidays anyway so no, he wouldn't be seeing her every night and I'm now 'taking her away from him'. I would be though. And I would be the one traipsing up and down dropping off and picking up (she lives in another county).

OP posts:
Bumblefuddle · 15/04/2018 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nakedscientist · 15/04/2018 10:39

If DH is angry that he cannot provide as much as DGM he needs to keep those feelings to himself and allow the child to enjoy the extra holiday. GM or In fact childhood does not last forever.

rainbowstardrops · 15/04/2018 10:47

He's overreacted if he will be working anyway but I'd be annoyed at anyone booking a holiday for my child/children without running it past me first.

Yes, your mum is providing the childcare for that week anyway but she should have still have told you before she booked it.

I can see all sides - sitting on the fence

Original poster
poopsqueak · 15/04/2018 10:48

Nope, not a drip feed, just not the exact same relationship as yours! I can tell you are angry though,

She hasn't ever booked a holiday without informing us before FWIW. I would have said otherwise. Just more general spoiling, overindulging etc.

OP posts:
Beaverhausen · 15/04/2018 10:49

Personally I think he is being unreasonable. Your mom probably did not think to ask you as she was having her that week anyway, so what is the big problem?

I would be very grateful if my MIL wanted to take my DD to CenterParcs for a week.

Juells · 15/04/2018 10:49

Isn't this just the reverse of Cross with MiL thread?

PeapodBurgundy · 15/04/2018 10:51

Have I just commentedon another thread about this?

BewareOfDragons · 15/04/2018 10:52

And I've only just realised that he would have been seeing his DD every evening for the week, and now your mother is going away he won't be able to do that.

Please. He's being a twat.

He would have seen her a bit in the evenings at most most likely. He should be delighted she's having a lovely week with a grandparent who loves her, a period of time he wasn't going to watch her or even do the running for to get her to care. Oh no. OP his wife, was going to be the one doing that ... dropping her off and picking her up from her mum's ... not him.

He really is being a piss-ant..

BewareOfDragons · 15/04/2018 10:52

If he's that upset (right) he can call her every evening. Send a laptop and skype with her.

Nanny0gg · 15/04/2018 10:53

One of the things with GP childcare is that if you're trusting them to look after your DC you have to let them get in with.

I look after my DGC all the time. No way in hell would I be taking them away without clearing it with their parents first. That's hardly the same as a day trip to the Zoo.

And OP, you are taking sides. You let your mother do what she likes without a by-your-leave and that's wrong. So he may have behaved badly but he has a point.

You need to tell your mother she doesn't book things without giving you time to discuss it and she absolutely doesn't tell your DD before she's asked you.

Blatherskite · 15/04/2018 10:54

I see someone has created the alternate thread - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3222630-Cross-with-mil-am-I-right-to-be?pg=3

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