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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband angry aibu?

142 replies

poopsqueak · 15/04/2018 09:30

Need help.

Genuinely don't know if I am being aibu or he is.

dGM does regular childcare, I.e once a week and a couple of solid weeks in the holidays.

I organise where DD is for each week of hols etc. She will be with GM 2 weeks (separate)

I text DH and said 'mums asking if it's ok to take DD to centreparcs the week she has her' and he replied 'I wanted to take her back in the future' and I said 'yes but we don't have any holidays left this year, so it would be next Easter at he earliest' and he didn't reply.

DD has now told DH that she is 'going to centreparcs' and his kicked off with me about my mum just booking things without asking us. (She didn't but then again I don't mind and DD is getting an extra free holiday so I don't actually begrudge that)

So he's now stormed upstairs and swore at me and said to leave him alone. Which I have done. DD is crying because she saw his reaction and thinks she won't be allowed to go on holiday now.

My argument is that she's staying with my mum for a week anyway, and she's getting a free holiday. I totally accept I should have made it clear she had booked it but was worried about his reaction. Hmm. Aibu?

OP posts:

GnotherGnu · 15/04/2018 10:56

I'm wondering (in a jokey way) how this thread would have gone had it been the interfering MIL doing the same. She wouldn't be seen as doing a huge favour, perhaps more of a self centered bag and DH would have his orders to go and sort it out so, she could never do it again

Possibly not coincidentally, we now have evidence via the "Cross with MiL" thread that this is not the case.

LadyPenelope68 · 15/04/2018 11:08

He’s being pathetic, end of!

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/04/2018 11:09

So you were going to drop her and pick her up every day in another county. Is that correct? I’m confused now.

Original poster

poopsqueak · 15/04/2018 11:09

Urgh who would create an opposite thread though? That's really annoying.

OP posts:

Snausage · 15/04/2018 11:11

I would TOTALLY be taking your mum's side. I read this to DP and he said the same. Your husband is being a manchild. In my DP's words, "so he'd rather his daughter sat in front of the TV for a week with granny than have a lovely holiday because he wanted to go there at some unspecified time in the future?"

We are both in agreement that if my mum (who often looks after DS for extended periods) wanted to take DS away while he was in her care, we would be all for it. Obviously if it was a war zone or Praia da Luz we'd expect a proper discussion, but Centreparcs? If your mum is good enough to be looking after your daughter for two weeks so you're not having to fork out for childcare or take unpaid leave and wants to make it in to a holiday then why on earth should that be a problem?

Original poster

poopsqueak · 15/04/2018 11:12

Just commented on the other thread. How weird that someone would set a reverse up? Does that happen on Mumsnet?

OP posts:

honeyroar · 15/04/2018 11:14

So your husband, and a lot of other people on here, think it's fine to dump the child on your mother for a week of free childcare, but if she actually organises something fun for them to do in that week that the child will love and that will make grandma's babysitting easier than being cooped up at grandma's it's wrong!! She's not booked a holiday abroad without asking, it's not a million miles away and it wasn't done to spite you, it was done to amuse your child that she loves and cares for. Would she have to ask to book a trip to the zoo or the park? Yes it might have been polite to ask (although perhaps she knew your husband would want to piss on the parade for his own selfish reasons?), but it hardly merits a tantrum.

Nanny0gg · 15/04/2018 11:15

I still don't think you take someone else's child away somewhere without checking with the parents first.

incywincybitofa · 15/04/2018 11:18

Aggh it gets to be so hard to see who is being truthful on MN and who is just spinning a yarn drafting their DM story

Original poster

poopsqueak · 15/04/2018 11:18

He's fine now. We are just getting ready to go out for lunch. I think he was just annoyed not to know, which I understand.

I organise all the childcare and the summer hols are really hard for us so for someone to take a week out of the equation is fine by me. Although I would have liked to know about it prior.

I will let him know ASAP in the future as I realise it's not fair on him and I will let my mum know it's not ok just to book stuff

OP posts:

UpstartCrow · 15/04/2018 11:20

I think you're all being unreasonable.

You don't book a holiday taking someone else's child without clearing it with them first. Not even if you give them free childcare.

You all need to learn how to communicate with each other up front, honestly and assertively.
He needs to stop having tantrums.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 15/04/2018 11:33

I would have just said to him ‘You don’t get to leave the responsibility of DD’s childcare to me, then kick-off about what I’ve arranged, so going forward YOU are in charge of DD’s childcare requirements’.

He was a total twat and even though he’s calmed down, I’d be having words about it still. That attitude is unacceptable.

I hope he’s apologised to DD and assured her it’s perfectly fine to go on holiday and have a nice time with DGM.

As for your Mum, I’d probably feel a little bit ‘You could have asked?!’ But it’s centreparks, it’s not even out of the country so I wouldn’t be that bothered she hadn’t asked and I’d appreciate DD gett8ng a lovely holiday and me not have not having to do drop offs & pick ups!

gillybeanz · 15/04/2018 11:36

You can't have a man who acts like that in front of children, what a man child.
tell him to grow tf up, is this what you both want the dc to see, everytime he doesn't agree with something.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 15/04/2018 11:41

If a husband's mother booked to take the child away without consulting the mother then there would be uproar on here.

Nope. She should ask first. Parents decide, not grandparents. Doesn't matter which way it goes.

Perhaps when everyone did things in a different way, everyone would be happy.

Maryann1975 · 15/04/2018 11:45

I’m a bit confused about the timeline here. Had you arranged for you r mum to havae dd for a certain week and then she has booked the holiday.

Or, has she booked the holiday assuming she can have dd for that particular week?

I think it is the first one and I think your dh reaction is totally over the top. I bet he doesn’t realise how lucky you are to have free childcare that he actually doesn’t have to sort out personally.

If the person doing the childcare wants to spend the week at centerparks, so be it. It’s hardly like your mum has booked three weeks on the other side of the world to take your dd away to.

Bluelady · 15/04/2018 11:54

He's being completely ridiculous. Who begrudges their child a nice holiday with someone who loves them?

timeisnotaline · 15/04/2018 12:01

I understand wanting to be asked but still the reaction was way ott. Next holidays coming up I’d say id ordinarily ask my mum to do weeks x & y, do you want to take the time off work to look after her instead? You will need to plan fun things to do, she can’t just sit in front of the tv. Let me know by next week please so I can have the arrangements sorted.

AmysTiara · 15/04/2018 12:10

He overreacted but if she's got form for this type of thing I can see why. I do think your mum should have asked first.

No-one comes out of it too well really, except DD who will have a nice break.

Original poster

poopsqueak · 15/04/2018 12:45

Yes you are right, I organised for her to have DD weeks 1 and 5 (which he knew) and his parents another week and then he has her wk 2 and me 3. He's away with work wk3 onwards. She goes to holiday club the odd day here and there. We had a family holiday (the three of us) abroad at the start of the year.

I sent everyone a copy of the schedule (yes an actual schedule) at the start of the year (I have to be organised as DH works away a lot) so everyone knows where they are with dates.

OP posts:

HeebieJeebies456 · 15/04/2018 16:37

She came home a couple of weeks ago telling me that she was going to centreparcs with GM. I texted GM and said 'DD says she is going to centreparcs?' And Gm said 'yes booked it for xxxx' (week she has her).
You are taking your mums side and allowing her to take the piss out of both of you as parents.
Why didn't she ASK or even DISCUSS taking her on holiday with either of you BEFORE booking it?
She didn't even have the decency to tell you herself - she used your child as the messenger.

He doesn't get on with my mum too well, she has form for being over involved (even to the point of sometimes disregarding his wishes) so I can see why he's sensitive about it.
Well i can see why he got angry - she's undermined and disregarded the parents AGAIN, is getting away with it unchallenged AGAIN and his wife is making excuses and not asserting boundaries with her AGAIN.

I think your mum is actually very manipulative and domineering and knows exactly how to 'manage' you, no wonder you find it hard to say no to her.

TammyWhyNot · 15/04/2018 22:48

This is ridiculous. So what are you going to do? Tell your Mum you want a week’s free childcare but you dictate that your Mum can’t go on hol that week? And it’s CenterParcs, not DisneyLand.

Just communicate properly with your DH, tell him to organise childcare or shut up, and don’t be so entitled over your Mum’s KINDNESS and generosity.

toomuchtooold · 16/04/2018 06:06

I can see why your husband was annoyed. Your mother booked the holiday without asking and told your DD before you got the chance to tell him, which is a bit manipulative, because if he wanted to say no, that now makes him the bad guy. And you say that she has form for overstepping boundaries a bit.

If all is well and your mother is really well meaning here and not trying to cause trouble with your DH or assert who's the real boss or whatever, you should be able to go now and say to her "thank you so much for the holiday invitation for DD, she'd love to come, can I just ask though in future can you make sure to ask me first and wait till I check our schedules with DH before you book anything or tell DD? We wouldn't want to have the situation where DD's holes were raised and then we had to say no." And if your mum agrees to that and sticks to it in future, great. If she doesn't, if she keeps engineering these situations, then sorry but I think she is trying to sow discord between you and your DH, and then you need to start siding with him.

Believeitornot · 16/04/2018 06:18

YABU

as for those who think someone doing childcare means they can unilaterally decide to take the child away for evening and overnights as well, also

Being at work doesn’t mean you give the right away to decide where you want your child to be.

Yes this is the OP’s mother but the dh has a right to be angry. He just expressed his feelings poorly and the OP lied about it. And the Mum has form.

I’d be angry too.

Cupoteap · 16/04/2018 06:32

Why were you worried about his reaction?

OnionKnight · 16/04/2018 06:52

If my MIL booked a holiday with my child without asking beforehand I'd be saying no.

You say that she has form for overstepping boundaries and for ignoring your husbands wishes yet you still side with her? No wonder he's pissed off.

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