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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband angry aibu?

142 replies

poopsqueak · 15/04/2018 09:30

Need help.

Genuinely don't know if I am being aibu or he is.

dGM does regular childcare, I.e once a week and a couple of solid weeks in the holidays.

I organise where DD is for each week of hols etc. She will be with GM 2 weeks (separate)

She came home a couple of weeks ago telling me that she was going to centreparcs with GM. I texted GM and said 'DD says she is going to centreparcs?' And Gm said 'yes booked it for xxxx' (week she has her).

I text DH and said 'mums asking if it's ok to take DD to centreparcs the week she has her' and he replied 'I wanted to take her back in the future' and I said 'yes but we don't have any holidays left this year, so it would be next Easter at he earliest' and he didn't reply.

DD has now told DH that she is 'going to centreparcs' and his kicked off with me about my mum just booking things without asking us. (She didn't but then again I don't mind and DD is getting an extra free holiday so I don't actually begrudge that)

So he's now stormed upstairs and swore at me and said to leave him alone. Which I have done. DD is crying because she saw his reaction and thinks she won't be allowed to go on holiday now.

My argument is that she's staying with my mum for a week anyway, and she's getting a free holiday. I totally accept I should have made it clear she had booked it but was worried about his reaction. Hmm. Aibu?

OP posts:

Original poster

poopsqueak · 15/04/2018 09:52

Oh yes there's a bit of grandparents being fun and us not.

They are so much better off than us also so can indulge her in lots of things. (We have had words about in the past about not spoiling her)

We always seem strict compared to GM and GD. But we have to work and we want to bring our child up well.

I genuinely understand his sensitivity about the subject though. His parents are the antithesis to mine. The do Wholesome free activities with DD (walks, river picnics, small creative gifts) which I actually prefer.

He still hasn't mentioned it but has suggested we all put pur clothes on and go out. So I don't think he's too angry.

OP posts:

firstevernamechange · 15/04/2018 09:52

I think your h is getting an unfair roasting on here.
I would gave expected your dm to run her plans by you and see if you still wanted her to go without telling dd about this first. She's now really exited about the holiday, so stopping it would be quite impossible now (and your mum probably knew this).
You then presented it to your DH as something that was up for discussion and when he objected said:"Well, mum went ahead and booked it, dd knows about it. "
You need to have a word with your mum and ask her to discuss holiday plans involving dd with you before telling dd and before booking.

VioletCharlotte · 15/04/2018 09:53

This is just the sort of thing my ex would have done. He expected my parents to help out and have the DC when it suited him, but got insecure if the DC had too good a time with GP. I think the words of a pp were 'spoilt manchild'. Couldn't agree more.

Bumblefuddle · 15/04/2018 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Slartybartfast · 15/04/2018 09:56

i agree - she over stepped the mark. my dm very similar. the difference is both DH and I would be annoyed.

JockTamsonsBairns · 15/04/2018 09:58

Your DH is BU. I feel weirdly pissed off with him myself, but that may be because I've never had a single day's childcare from family ever. Not a sleepover or fuck all.

Iloveacurry · 15/04/2018 10:00

I think he overreacted, but can see his point of view. Your mum should of asked first before booking.

GnotherGnu · 15/04/2018 10:00

I suppose with all the wonders of hindsight it would have been better if you'd told your husband by saying something along the lines of "Mum's only gone and booked a holiday at Centre Parcs without asking us, but I suppose we can't really grumble as she's giving us free childcare and DD will love it". But it is a bit childish of him to have a strop at you for trying to sweeten the pill.

Bumblefuddle · 15/04/2018 10:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mondaysaturday · 15/04/2018 10:02

To be honest, his action is over the top but reading between the lines, is there a history of this sort of thing with your mum?

It's not ok to book a holiday for a child without getting the permission of the child's parents first. Even if she was already having her for the week, she should have asked first. It's also pretty telling that she's already told daughter that she's going, putting him in a position where it's difficult to say no now - that seems a little manipulative.

This makes me wonder if she normally does things like this (ignoring boundaries, bypassing his wishes as a parent) and could this be the last straw for an already ongoing issue?

Returnofthesmileybar · 15/04/2018 10:02

numptynuts are you hoping if you say it three times your wish will come true

Chocolate1984 · 15/04/2018 10:03

He has over reacted but I can see his point really. He could be on dadsnet right now creating a MIL thread about this. Booking holidays without asking first, taking DD to a special place he wanted to take her to, showing him up because he can't do it, his wife taking MIL side & not supporting him.

kmc1111 · 15/04/2018 10:05

I’d be extremely cross at my mother if she did this without asking. Providing childcare during the day and taking the child on holiday for a week are radically different things. She’s massively over-stepped, and put your DH in a position where he has to just put up with that or be the bad guy.

SoyDora · 15/04/2018 10:06

If he denied his DC the chance to do something she’d love, just because he wasn’t able to provide it, that would be pretty shitty IMO

Wibblywobblyfoo · 15/04/2018 10:06

I wouldn't be impressed in his situatuon. You asked him if it was ok and he said no. But it was a decision that had already been made and he got no say. I'd be annoyed if someone booked trip for my child to go on that I had wanted to take them on.

Homemenu1 · 15/04/2018 10:07

It wouldn’t have taken much for your mum to have just asked first, particularly if there had been issues before of her being over involved, and you have had to speak to her.

I feel sorry for your h,
I think you need to speak to your parents.

If my mil/Mum had a booked a holiday and it wasn’t run by me first i wouldn’t be very happy.
Re post in a few days from your husband perspective I bet you get a very different reponse.

Tid1 · 15/04/2018 10:07

Wish my DD's grandparents offered to take her away for a week! You should all be grateful. Your husband needs to grow up- it's hardly Disneyland (once in a lifetime type place) , it's centre parcs!

SoyDora · 15/04/2018 10:08

I'd be annoyed if someone booked trip for my child to go on that I had wanted to take them on

You can go to Center Parcs more than once! My DC have been 4 times and love it just as much every time. OP has said that they wouldn’t be able to take her for another year.

BewareOfDragons · 15/04/2018 10:10

Your DH is being unreasonable. And so are you if you're still upset about your mother.

Your mother is providing free childcare to help you out

Free childcare. For you.

She has booked a 'holiday' at CP for a week she already agreed to have your child.For free. For you.

CP will make it easier for her to keep your child entertained and happy and fed for a week.

You should be grateful and thrilled for your DD and thanking your mother.

Your DH is a twat for making it all about what he's missing.

MyLawnMowerMan · 15/04/2018 10:11

I'm wondering (in a jokey way) how this thread would have gone had it been the interfering MIL doing the same. She wouldn't be seen as doing a huge favour, perhaps more of a self centered bag and DH would have his orders to go and sort it out so, she could never do it again

VladmirsPoutine · 15/04/2018 10:12

I honestly wonder how people manage in day to day life. I can't see anything wrong with this. Your H sounds like hard work.

Your daughter's going on holiday with her gran, not being enlisted to war.

BewareOfDragons · 15/04/2018 10:13

Oh, and FTR, we've only been to CP when DH's parents have paid for us all to go. Kids love it; DH and I can't afford it and don't really enjoy it, but suck it up for the kids. They get to swim a lot and spend time with their GPs, and that means a lot to them.

Original poster

poopsqueak · 15/04/2018 10:14

Hey I'm not taking my mums side. But I find it hard to say no to her, and also she had already told DD. Also I don't mind at all. I think it's great for her to go.

But I readily admit I should have told hkm she had booked it. I just really dislike being the conduit of two people being annoyed with each other.

I have told them in the past that I won't pass messages on or take sides.

OP posts:

SoyDora · 15/04/2018 10:14

I would be so grateful to my MIL if she did a weeks childcare and took my DC to somewhere they love at her own expense!

Bumblefuddle · 15/04/2018 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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