BF's kids' behaviour

[cheeseycrackers]

Name changed for this. Sorry it's long.

Easter monday was the only 'festive' day of the holidays that I had with my two daughters (9 and 10) as they were with their dad for the rest of it and a large portion of the school holidays itself. As such we all wanted Easter Monday as our celebration day and just wanted to be on our own. BF was wanting to come over with his kids and join us for the day and stay overnight (nowhere for them to sleep but beside the point) I explained that it was the only day we had as a family over Easter weekend and was sorry but we'd see them all another time instead. Part of the reason for this is that my older kids don't really like his kids which makes it difficult for me. BF was upset saying we didn't want them there so I felt guilty and compromised on them coming over late afternoon for pizza and a film. No overnight stay.

Possibly good to point out: due to the way things work out with when we both have our kids, our respective kids don't see each other very often at all (about 5 times so far in 9 months) and they don't see my BF very often either.
On previous occasions their behaviour has been challenging so for this visit I insisted that there was no climbing or jumping on the furniture, bouncing on the furniture or climbing on the kitchen work surfaces. BF agreed to these house rules and said he would make sure they understood.

Anyway, my BF spent Easter Sunday morning with me and my little boy who is 2 (different dad) but then went to his parents with his kids (6 and 8) for the rest of the day once he'd picked them up from his ex mid-morning.

Fast forward to Easter Monday and they arrive, we give them their Easter eggs and we put on the film my kids thought would be the best for all the ages.

After about 5 minutes the youngest starts doing karate and kick boxing moves in the middle of the lounge blocking everyone's view of the tv. Her dad tells her to sit down and she ignores him. I ask her to sit down, she ignores me. My kids tell her they can't see the tv and to sit down and stop jumping around. Ignored. Meanwhile her brother has ants in his pants and is bouncing on his bum on the sofa and climbing around on it. BF tells his daughter if she doesn't sit down and watch the film they will be going home. She ignores him, carries on and he does nothing. In the end we give up watching the film and I order pizza.

Everyone sits at the table for dinner. Immediate sulking from the daughter as I've sat her and her brother either side of their dad. Last time they came and sat next to my youngest they were messing about so much at the table that he started choking on his food. It was really scary and not wanting a repeat of that I insisted that the seating arrangement was different. The daughter spent most of the meal curled up on her chair crying and refusing to eat. Dad did nothing apart from say her name in an "Oh Daisy (not her real name)" kind of placating way. I was getting annoyed by this point as her brother was all over the place at the table so my daughters were getting annoyed too especially as their film was already ruined and now dinner was too. My LB finished his dinner so in order to get "Daisy" to eat I moved him round to sit next to her and lo and behold she bounces up and eats some dinner!

As soon as dinner is over my BF announces they are leaving. He had left his Easter egg from me and the kids at mine so picked it up along with theirs. His was bigger than theirs (he told me only to get them a small one as in his opinion they didn't need to be any more hyper from loads of sugar). His daughter turns to me and demands to know why her dad has got a bigger egg than her and tells me it's not fair. Maybe I shouldn't have got him a bigger one but they only did that particular egg in one size. She was really rude and I was quite taken aback. I told her not to speak to me like that and my BF just said, "Daisy!" with a look of embarrassment. He apologised but she didn't. She did something similar on her birthday complaining about the cake her dad had asked me to make for her wasn't the kind she wanted and had I got her anything else it was it just the one present. However she's only 6, I'm her dad's first girlfriend since her parents split (BF says she loves me) and therefore I didn't say anything to him about it.

So off they went home and my daughters begged me not to invite them again!

Did I handle things badly? What could I have done differently to make things better and enjoyable? How can I get my BF to understand that we all find his kids' behaviour awful? Is it unreasonable to not want them to visit us again? ?!

They sound like lively, active children so expecting them to sit and watch a film then sit and have a formal meal was a recipe for disaster. My kids need to be run ragged before any of that for sitting for such a long period to happen.

They were probably bored out of their minds and it would have been better to met outside or at soft play or an activity, or not at all if you really think they are so badly behaved. In school the 6 year olds seem to be expected to sit still for 30 mins max unless it is something super exciting, 4 year olds 10 minutes again unless super exciting. I’d never expect a whole afternoon of sitting down. Plus any child of that age that I know would compare sizes of Easter eggs . All sounds as if they were set up to fail from the beginning.

Changed my mind on this

The dad needs to learn to be a dad and discipline his kids. I'd be pissed off with kids running around like maniacs in my house and knowing what chaos went on when they were at dad's house would be a big red flag. Until he can discipline them properly you'll feel tense every time you see them (and you'll wind yourself up beforehand expecting the worst) so I'd lay it out straight to him .

It is better with young children to arrange to meet up at a playground or at soft play. Young children need to be active, and that seems to be particularly true with the BF's DCs. My DDs are like that too.

One possible alternative would have been for you all to meet up at the park and then go to yours for the pizza, and then the film afterwards. That's what I would have suggested FWIW.

They did t get her until 4pm and we're leaving at 6.30pm so how is that all afternoon?? They'd had all day to run around with their dad doing whatever and they'd been with him since 10am on Easter Sunday. Not sure I'd class eating pizza and a formal meal and his kids are 6 and 8 not 4 and 6.
My older kids don't like them, I do as does LO. They've made their own minds up about them, I've had nothing to do with their opinion which was set from the first time they came to our house and behaved like they were feral. My children were quite shocked at how they behaved. Like people have pointed out, we obviously have very different parenting styles.

I would break it off, The kids are still young, what happens if you move in together or get married, those kids will always be a part of his life AND might potentially hold a grudge against you if in the future they cause more problems for you and your kids.

Cripes sorry about the typos!

Apologies, I got the ages wrong. I wouldn’t necessarily expect those ages to sit still either especially the 6 year old but I would hope for 30 mins of sitting. I know a lot of children of those ages and would never do a play date of simply a movie and a sit down meal. It is asking for trouble!

Ok, pizza is not formal but it sounds as if they were expected to sit down formally and eat it.

TBH your kids sound amazingly well behaved, especially a 2 year old. Most are balls of energy at that age. I wouldn’t be remotely surprised by visiting children jumping on furniture. And I have had visitors pull my curtains down before. Annoying but not beyond the realms of possibility. It is up to you of course as it is your house, but it doesn’t sound as if they had a hope of behaving to your standards.

Yes though, he absolutely should have run them about a lot before they came over.

They are young
They were in a fairly unfamiliar exciting new environment
No wonder they didn’t want to watch a film! They wanted to play and engage with you and your children

To be fair, he shouldn't have come over at all but he manipulated OP into it.

I'd add that they frequently sit down to watch a family film at home and at no point has he said that they aren't able to sit and watch, in fact he was more than happy with pizza and film as a suggestion. He also insisted we eat at the table instead of whilst watching the film which I'd have allowed as a treat.
My standards of behaviour are expecting children to do as their parents tell them. Is that really asking too much??
Regardless, you have all given me a lot to think about here. Thank you.

But it depends on what you class as watching a film. I have slightly younger kids. I would class watching a film as it being on, not all children necessarily glued to the screen but watching it on and off. Probably some toys out at the same time. Jumping about would be fine. Karate practise would need to be curtailed for fear of injuring someone or breaking the tv.

Snuggling up sitting quietly watching the film? Maybe but not every time and certainly not in an exciting new environment.

I agree he is not coming across well especially if he insisted on sitting at the table - I’m not surprised you are annoyed at that.

Frankly if you have figured out the secret to all children doing as their parents tell them then you should sell it and make millions. I am not being goady although it probably sounds that way. I’d genuinely love to know as I don’t know any children at all that do as they are told 100% of the time or even 80%.

How old are your children?

Okay, they're similar ages to my DDs, who are 9 and 6. Yes I would expect better behaviour than that from my DDs. But I would have still thought finger food, including pizza, would have worked better, maybe eating it in front of the film?

Just thinking how I would handle it, I've had nephews and nieces here for sleepovers, keeping children entertained is always a challenge.

I've just seen your update, it was your BF who wanted to eat at the table. He obviously isn't used to managing children, is he?

To be fair you are seeing them in a stressful situation (i.e. with Dad's new partner) and if you want the relationship to work you will need to begin getting along with his kids and finding a way to make it work. They don't sound that bad to be honest but just a bit more demanding or different to your kids. Having a bit of energy and mucking about it bit isn't that unusual for 6 and 8 year olds tbh.

He doesn't sound assertive enough tbh but I don't really know his history and we only have your account to go on.

However, you don't seem to think very much your bf or his kids tbh, so I'm not sure what it is you are aiming for longer term with this relationship. How long term is this so far? If it is fairly new and you a are finding fault at this stage it is probably not going to work, if it is longer term already then you need to have a discussion with him about get the kids to work better together, but before you do that have a real think about his children and if you are being entirely fair on them.

Mad in the opening post the OP says her girls are 9 and 10

Thanks! Completely missed it!

Also should add that OP you've repeatedly said 'they were invited round for a film and pizza' or 'they can watch a film at home' etc. like that means that their failure to comply to your behavioural code is done wilfully and in full knowledge, but you are forgetting that these two children haven't had any choice in this nor know what they have been told. They have to do what their dad tells them. Perhaps they didn't want to come or were tired or had a different idea of what movie and a pizza is to you and your kids (which seems to be quite a formal and quiet process compared to pizza and a movie at my house).

I think the main issues here are more to do with you and your 2 older dc tbh.

You hadn't seen your own dc for the best part of 2 weeks and were excited to spend one day with them (and presumably, them with you).

You then allowed yourself to be guilt tripped in to spending a chunk of that day with children whose behaviour you KNOW pisses you off and with a man who you KNOW will do nothing about it.

The activity chosen and agreed upon was ruined.

The promise to your older dc that you would only meet up with his dc in the park was broken.

The promise of day with just your dc was broken.

Because you can't say "No, I haven't seen my children in 2 weeks and we are spending one day just the 4 of us"

You are putting them last and they know it. They see it.

I think the main issue is that my Bf knows my house rules, assured me he would speak to them, told me when they got here that they had been told they had to behave or they'd go home yet his kids repeatedly disobeyed and he did nothing. Looking back at our near year together this is how he is. All talk, no actual consequence to behaviour. The fault doesn't lie with them but with his lack of discipline as pp have said here.

My daughters were chatting about their visit tonight and reminded me of how Daisy had stuck her fingers into DD2's ketchup that was on her plate and taken the last chip off DD1's plate (apparently it was the "best" chip and she was saving it till last), stuck her tongue into my drink repeatedly when she asked if she could taste it and how both of them had had their names repeatedly and tersely spoken to them by their dad. It's not like they aren't used to eating at a table as they do this every night at home as do mine. However BF is amazed at how I take mine out to restaurants as he "would never dare take his." The first time we all got together he spent the whole meal repeatedly saying their names in increasingly terse tones and begging them "please don't show me up."

As I've said, I've tried talking to him and he says his way is working and their behaviour at home is improving. His ex has told him this week that she doesn't want the 8 year old living with her at all (50/50 custody) as his behaviour is so bad. I don't think this is going to get any better and feel really sorry for the kids as they are really sweet and funny.

He just used to dump all his dirty clothes and shoes in the middle of the bedroom so that when I got up in the night to go to the toilet I'd trip over them. Or leaving shoes at the bottom of the stairs in the way of anyone going up or down. He just didn't get it. He's better now but I still need to move his stuff half the time.

Ugh, he sounds awful. This is him when he doesn't live with you, imagine what he'd be like if you lived together!

Cut your losses, OP, don't waste anymore time on him and stop inflicting his children on yours. The children do sound a bit irritating, but that's his fault, not theirs. It sounds like his ex is fed up of his lack of parenting skills as well.

Don't stand a lot of chance between Disney Dad and mum who doesn't want them, do they?

Why does she think you just get to opt out of being a parent?

Well it definitely sounds as if there are issues. FWIW I do sympathise with your boyfriend when you describe him begging the kids to not show him up. Mealtimes can be horrendously stressful especially when you are with other adults and even more so if their own kids behave incredibly well. Restaurant outings are also not enjoyable for many, many families with youngish children.

He sounds like a lazy fucker anyway! I don’t think this is going anywhere.

OP there will be someone out there who would cherish your self and your girls... it's not this guy...

Your BF sounds the biggest kid of the lot. If you actually live together you’ll finds yourself trying to manage his sloppy behaviour too.

Personally I just couldn’t be bothered