BF's kids' behaviour

[cheeseycrackers]

Name changed for this. Sorry it's long.

Easter monday was the only 'festive' day of the holidays that I had with my two daughters (9 and 10) as they were with their dad for the rest of it and a large portion of the school holidays itself. As such we all wanted Easter Monday as our celebration day and just wanted to be on our own. BF was wanting to come over with his kids and join us for the day and stay overnight (nowhere for them to sleep but beside the point) I explained that it was the only day we had as a family over Easter weekend and was sorry but we'd see them all another time instead. Part of the reason for this is that my older kids don't really like his kids which makes it difficult for me. BF was upset saying we didn't want them there so I felt guilty and compromised on them coming over late afternoon for pizza and a film. No overnight stay.

Possibly good to point out: due to the way things work out with when we both have our kids, our respective kids don't see each other very often at all (about 5 times so far in 9 months) and they don't see my BF very often either.
On previous occasions their behaviour has been challenging so for this visit I insisted that there was no climbing or jumping on the furniture, bouncing on the furniture or climbing on the kitchen work surfaces. BF agreed to these house rules and said he would make sure they understood.

Anyway, my BF spent Easter Sunday morning with me and my little boy who is 2 (different dad) but then went to his parents with his kids (6 and 8) for the rest of the day once he'd picked them up from his ex mid-morning.

Fast forward to Easter Monday and they arrive, we give them their Easter eggs and we put on the film my kids thought would be the best for all the ages.

After about 5 minutes the youngest starts doing karate and kick boxing moves in the middle of the lounge blocking everyone's view of the tv. Her dad tells her to sit down and she ignores him. I ask her to sit down, she ignores me. My kids tell her they can't see the tv and to sit down and stop jumping around. Ignored. Meanwhile her brother has ants in his pants and is bouncing on his bum on the sofa and climbing around on it. BF tells his daughter if she doesn't sit down and watch the film they will be going home. She ignores him, carries on and he does nothing. In the end we give up watching the film and I order pizza.

Everyone sits at the table for dinner. Immediate sulking from the daughter as I've sat her and her brother either side of their dad. Last time they came and sat next to my youngest they were messing about so much at the table that he started choking on his food. It was really scary and not wanting a repeat of that I insisted that the seating arrangement was different. The daughter spent most of the meal curled up on her chair crying and refusing to eat. Dad did nothing apart from say her name in an "Oh Daisy (not her real name)" kind of placating way. I was getting annoyed by this point as her brother was all over the place at the table so my daughters were getting annoyed too especially as their film was already ruined and now dinner was too. My LB finished his dinner so in order to get "Daisy" to eat I moved him round to sit next to her and lo and behold she bounces up and eats some dinner!

As soon as dinner is over my BF announces they are leaving. He had left his Easter egg from me and the kids at mine so picked it up along with theirs. His was bigger than theirs (he told me only to get them a small one as in his opinion they didn't need to be any more hyper from loads of sugar). His daughter turns to me and demands to know why her dad has got a bigger egg than her and tells me it's not fair. Maybe I shouldn't have got him a bigger one but they only did that particular egg in one size. She was really rude and I was quite taken aback. I told her not to speak to me like that and my BF just said, "Daisy!" with a look of embarrassment. He apologised but she didn't. She did something similar on her birthday complaining about the cake her dad had asked me to make for her wasn't the kind she wanted and had I got her anything else it was it just the one present. However she's only 6, I'm her dad's first girlfriend since her parents split (BF says she loves me) and therefore I didn't say anything to him about it.

So off they went home and my daughters begged me not to invite them again!

Did I handle things badly? What could I have done differently to make things better and enjoyable? How can I get my BF to understand that we all find his kids' behaviour awful? Is it unreasonable to not want them to visit us again? ?!

He needs to follow-though on his threats of discipline. It's no wonder they're ignoring him telling them what to do - it doesn't matter!

I think I would have paused the film when DD ignored him and asked if that meant he needed to take them home now...? Either she would have sat down or he would have taken them home.

But generally it shouldn't be your place to do this. It's his, and I think it's reasonable to say that he needs to be able to control his kids if they're going to be visiting your house a lot.

It’s only working if he’s intentionally raising children no one will want to spend time with.

You were trying to be nice and spread yourself too thin when honestly you had every right to put your foot down and prioritise time with your own DC.

He doesn’t seem happy with his DC behaviour but totally unwilling to do anything about it and it’s going to drive you crazy and make your own kids resent him.

I can’t see it lasting, you’ve let him push you around and he let his DC ruin your special day by being spineless and useless. You’ll lose all respect for him.

Yep have to agree with others YABVU and put the wants of you BF above the wants and needs of your own children. You already knew that your children didn't like his and the one and only full day you had with your children over the holidays you "compromised" This relationship will not work I am afraid unless you are willing to forgo your children's happiness??

OP you need to prioritise your own dc. The behaviour of his dc doesn't sound that had to me, but it is an issue for you and your dc so it really seems like it isn't a good idea to try to perservere, unless you don't mind your dc missing out every time.

You told him that you and your kids were having a family day. He whined and you gave in.

As latte rightly says, you gave him and his kids priority over your own DC. Even if his kids were angels it's not on and everyone had a horrible time.

Because he whined and you gave in. Which is exactly what his kids have learned to do from him. They act up and he gives in. It's hell on wheels.

Put your kids first and ditch him.

Dont compromise with him in future. He just didnt fancy a day on his own with them dealing with their bad behaviour. He wanted a break. Your children deserve you to themselves for one day and they shouldn't have to share it with children they don't like who are not related to them

I can't tell you to split up but can you imagine a future sharing a home with him and having part time care of these kids but no right to tell him how to discipline them?

Where do you see this relationship going? If you're serious about him then you can't really keep your children and his separated. The only way you can realistically respect your children's wish to not spend any time with BF's children is if you keep things very casual or end the relationship altogether. The fact that he already expects to be involved in your family occasions, says his daughter "loves" you etc suggests it's already gone beyond the casual dating phase.

I'm sorry OP but I just don't see how this can work long term when you both have such different parenting styles.

You went wrong by letting them come over in the first place tbh. After the movie I would have quietly said it was time to go and ordered the pizza with my own kids

This.

I'd end the relationship and tell him why - that as he can't be bothered disciplining his kids it's too stressful to be involved with him and them.

It would have seemed very rude to me to ask them to leave after I turned off the film. I think we watched about half of it. And I think my BF would have been really offended and tell me I was overreacting and just needed to chill.
I was brought up being told my own view of things was unreasonable and that I was selfish so I try very hard to compromise.
They just don't seem to respect our house rules or our things. My children don't climb on the furniture as they know that's not how to behave especially in someone else's house. I was stunned at my BF's house by the way the eldest jumps onto the banister, runs down it and then jumps onto the swivel chair before just standing on it to watch tv or then jumping onto the sofa and back again. My BF doesn't bat an eye.
It's taken me a while to get my BF to be more considerate. He just used to dump all his dirty clothes and shoes in the middle of the bedroom so that when I got up in the night to go to the toilet I'd trip over them. Or leaving shoes at the bottom of the stairs in the way of anyone going up or down. He just didn't get it. He's better now but I still need to move his stuff half the time.
My children really like my BF but see his kids as "different" to them because of their behaviour. It's like they have no boundaries in a way.
I don't know how to enforce the rules here without causing a rift. Or maybe I shouldn't have to enforce them?! Maybe he should be ensuring they behave.

It sounds like your BF is using you to parent his children because he knows their behaviour needs checking but he's too afraid of upsetting them.
You need to be straight with him and tell him not to use you that way.
Explain that he needs to set them firm boundaries and apply consequences when they misbehave otherwise, you'll have to end the relationship.
Until he steps up and parents his own children properly, the relationship is doomed.
It's simply not fair on your own children.

But you are worrying about what would seem rude to him, what about your children? You were rude breaking plans, his kids were rude ruining the changed plans, your bf was rude not disciplining them, but it's like none of that counts to you?

You really need to start standing up for your dc and not worrying about your bf

It's too late to turn back the clock now but I would text him (normally I would say talk but I think you might be better to text)

Hi x, I am really annoyed about last night. If this is to work things need to change, when I say I have plans alone with my DC I do not need you laying on the guilt trip, in future a simple "enjoy, talk to tomorrow" will do. You came over and ruined our evening, half a movie and an unenjoyable meal was not what we agreed. We have very different house rules but in my house you either respect my rules or leave. It is totally unfair for me to teach my kids rules and respect for you and your kids to come in and do the opposite. So I am giving you advance warning that next time I will be telling you it's time to leave, it's not up to me to discipline your kids but I don't have to sit around in my own house while they ruin my family's evening, I am saying it now so you cannot be shocked when it does happen"

Let him take it however he does, I doubt it will work anyway but it definitely won't if you keep letting this happen

It would have seemed very rude to me to ask them to leave after I turned off the film. I think we watched about half of it. And I think my BF would have been really offended and tell me I was overreacting and just needed to chill.

But they were his own rules? BF tells his daughter if she doesn't sit down and watch the film they will be going home.

Did he not mean it? In which case, why did he say it? Was it just lip-service because he knew his daughter was being disruptive and you'd be upset if he didn't say something? That's pretty rude on his part.

I was brought up the same way as you OP, and find it hard to know when I’m being unreasonable or not. However as I’ve got older it’s something I’ve been getting better at, and when my kids are the ones bearing the brunt of other people’s crap decisions I put my foot down now.
I actually asked a “friend” to leave the other day because her kids were running riot, deliberately upsetting my kids (worked out my eldest who is autistic got distressed by loud noises so kept roaring in his ear, trying to smash DDs toys, and pushing DS2), throwing food and then knocking over stuff in the living room (We have a lot of photos and ornaments from our late parents).
The final straw was when the wee boy roared in DS1s ear in front of us and he began to cry and the wee boy laughed. His mum said fuck all so I picked up their coats and said “that’s enough, time to go.” She was mortally offended and began to try and argue. At which point I said no, out, now and don’t come back.
It’s harder for you because he’s your partner, but he and his kids are riding roughshod over your kids and what they need.
Written down in black and white, there’s not really a choice is there? He’s never going to change and most importantly, he’s never, ever going to see your kids’ point of view. If he were to move in, they’d be at the bottom of the pile.
So, rough as it is for you, and I appreciate that it is and I’m sorry for that, the relationship is dead in the water and you have to end it.

It wouldnt be rude it would be assertive and positive threefold.

1. It would highlight their bad behaviour to dp and show his way is not working.
2. It would set boundries with his dc.
3. It would show your dc that you and they are not to be walked over and to have to endure bad behaviour and bad company.

Your house, your rules. I'd sit them down with bf and explain house rules - heck I'd even have them as a list with pictures (I have this). Then tell.them consequence of breaking rules i.e. time out or if they keep breaking rules bf takes them home. He only will need to do it a couple of.times.

Honestly though - do you want to parent his kids and train him to pick up his crap

I don’t understand why everybody is saying that the relationship won’t work?
The OP said that the kids have only met 5 times, which isn’t very much.
I would try to spend more time all together, but perhaps not in your house. Go to the park, for for a picnic, things like that. Let the children learn to like each other and get along with each other.
Your BF’s children mine learn a thing or two from your own DC’s!

I don’t know but I would be heartbroken if I really liked somebody and could see a future with them, but everybody else was telling me that the relationship was doomed because his children are a bit bratty

MIGHT learn a thing or two

What's the point of continuing this relationship? I don't mean this negatively against you, but you don't sound like you even like your BF very much, let alone have respect for him. So what's the point, it sounds like you'll never be able to live together?

I'd end it tbh, there's no compatibility in your parenting method and values as a couple. If you ever set up home together it won't be easy and will be a constant battle. I'd rather be single and happy than in a miserable relationship with a disrespectful partner.

He just didnt fancy a day on his own with them dealing with their bad behaviour

This ^^

From reading your OP its clear you initially said you had other plans, he then whined and you caved. In insisting he came to yours he's forcing you to 'share the pain' of his kids crappy behaviour. Why does he need to bring his kids to yours?

First of all I hope you are more mindful now of your BF's emotional blackmail. It is terrible that you gave in to him and sacrificed time with your daughters because of his whining. Even two and a half hours. Your daughters will know that you put him first.

Secondly, your BF sounds like a nightmare - re the emotional blackmail as well as the completely crap parenting. How can you respect him?

Thirdly, please please do not do as a PP suggested and get all your children spending MORE time together! Your poor kids. See your BF when they are not around. If you like him, enjoy him. But for god's sake don't force his kids' company on them. They will remember that you did this and that you put him first. Let them have memories of mum's boyfriend who was ok and luckily we never had to see his kids again after that awful evening with the film and pizza .

Queenie his parents live a couple of miles from me but he lives an hour away so as it was a rare occasion when we'd both have all our kids he wanted to get together as he was over this way anyway. I do think people are right though saying he wanted a rest as he chose to spend easter with other people so he didn't need to cook or look after them at all. Starting to see this in a different light now!

Me and the children had previously said we'd stick to meeting at the park but on this day it would have meant meeting much earlier in the day and he'd probably then have invited himself for tea so ended up staying with us around 5 hours instead of 2 and a half. By saying pizza and film I knew the time was limited and couldn't be extended as he knows 7pm is bedtime for my LO as it is for his too.

In answer to us living together I don't think that would ever happen. My eldest said the other day "imagine if Phil (not his real name) asked you to marry him!" She looked really excited by that. I countered with, " imagine living with Daisy and Henry" She looked horrified and promptly shut up.

Everything SeaCabbage said, with bells on.

Me and the children had previously said we'd stick to meeting at the park but on this day it would have meant meeting much earlier in the day and he'd probably then have invited himself for tea so ended up staying with us around 5 hours instead of 2 and a half. By saying pizza and film I knew the time was limited and couldn't be extended as he knows 7pm is bedtime for my LO as it is for his too.

But you weren't supposed to be seeing him at all on that day, so why all the micro planning?

If he 'invites himself to tea', you smile and say 'nice try. See you Thursday'.

Your recent update confirms my view that this isn't a relationship worth pursuing, he sounds like more work than he's worth. He has no respect for your children, boundaries, home or time.

Flubdub people are saying it won't work because the OP's dc don't like her DP's dc and make them feel uncomfortable in their own home. It amazes me in the step family forum how many people know that their dc do not get on, yet persist (and often have major fallouts) in the name of 'he's a great partner'.