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Original poster

To feel like a bloody fool

129 replies

mummabeargrr · 14/04/2018 19:32

My DS called me a couple of weeks ago to invite me to hers for a BBQ for today, my DF would be in the country and staying with her so we could all meet up. I got DD to organise her work so she had the time off so we could all be there. I get a phone call yesterday from DF to tell me how poorly DS was (she has had a cold) and how busy he was and would it be ok to cancel and maybe he would pop up next weekend to see the DGC but we'll speak later. I said of course obviously.

Then 3 hours ago discover via FB that DS,BIL And DF have all gone to the races!

OP posts:
Original poster
mummabeargrr · 15/04/2018 11:49

Idadown the only thing I can think is that BIL didn't know they'd spun me a tail as he was the one who posted it. My DF isn't on FB to know he posted on there and my sis doesn't go on often. Either way he can now post whatever he likes about whom ever he chooses, I shan't see it to worry about.
I think my thoughts and feelings are relatively insignificant in their worlds.

OP posts:
Beaverhausen · 15/04/2018 11:55

I would personally tell my dad that what they did was as you said hurtful and cruel and that you love him dearly. But until he realises that he has two daughters and granchildren you will no longer be making the effort.

And as for your sister tell her to go feck herself the selfish mare.

CannaeBeErsed · 15/04/2018 12:38

I'm sorry OP. That is really hurtful.

"When someone shows you who the really are, believe them the first time"

My mother pulls this shit all the time. We have a huge, fairly close family and for some reason, mum tries to push me out but not DSis.
Aunt and Uncle always had a NYE party for family. They took over from us hosting it when they moved to join us in our tourist town that the whole extended family loved to visit. DM told me once that there would be no party that year. Had a bit of a shock when we drove past and saw the disco lights on and our entire extended family there, some inside dancing and others outside having a smoke. They'd assumed we had other plans and couldn't come. When I confronted DM she turned it on me, that it was being silly and that it was nothing like a party and that they just happened to all come over... from the other side of the country!

DM told me she was travelling back to our home town (200 miles away) to see gran for her 90th birthday. I asked if I could go with her or should DH and I travel down. She told me it wasn't an event and no one would be there. Not really worth it to go but she was heading to the town for another reason too.
Then she FB shared the huge photo taken by a hired photographer of the entire family. Every blood relative and their spouses and kids. There was a 1920's singer booked and it was a huge event. The only family members not there were me, DH and DD. Family had left it to mum to tell us about the party.

The next time I saw the family was at Gran's funeral shortly after.

Mum still doesn't think she did anything wrong. I'd love to advise you OP to have it out or go NC but I'd be a hypocrite. Sorry.

BlancheM · 15/04/2018 12:47

Oh I'm sorry OP. My family have done similar.
The fact they've posted on Facebook means they don't care- it's almost an invitation for you to comment on it so they can use that to make you look bad, too. I made the mistake of texting my Dsis to wish her a good time in similar circumstances and apparently this showed I was 'bitter, jealous and childish' and 'obviously didn't want to miss out on every single celebration of her personal achievements'....rise above the sour bastards Flowers

Original poster
mummabeargrr · 15/04/2018 14:35

Cannae that's awful! Why are people so cruel? And why is it those that are meant to care for us that do it too.

BlancheM sometimes you can't do right for doing wrong can you!

Awful thing is she invited us - and a month ago to boot. Having now sat here and thought about it, it's not the first time. So I am thinking screw it.

OP posts:
CannaeBeErsed · 15/04/2018 15:16

If you can go NC, do it. I live near to my mum and our lives are intertwined a bit so going NC would be very difficult. However, if she lived in another country as your father does then great. Dump his arse as family and don't look back. You're not losing a thing except being treated badly.

I went NC with my own dad for a long while.
Being the dutiful daughter I would phone him regularly and dad being my dad, he would end up upsetting me, having a go or making me feel stupid. I think he would challenge himself to see how long it would take him to get me in tears every time. So there I was, upset, listening to him rant at me on the phone when I realised that it was ME holding the phone to my ear. I was listening to that crap. It was ME accepting it. So I pressed the end call button and the ranting stopped. The yelling at me stopped. The comparing me to DSis stopped. I was no longer being hurt. 6 months of not speaking to him and he called. Initially having a go at me for not phoning 🙄
I told him why that was (what he was saying proved my point) then put the phone down again.
We get on fine now. He knows I won't take him being nasty so like a bully, got bored and gave up trying. He actually treats me like a fellow human now.

HiggeldyPigsinblankets · 15/04/2018 15:38

"I would text your dad saying "please don't lie to me about why you don't want us to visit. We are not available next weekend as this is the last time I will allow you to mess me about or disappoint my children".

perfect response, I would then not contact any of them again, if they want to see you they know where you are

ChasedByBees · 15/04/2018 16:07

I would send a message telling him you know he lied and then change your number. Don’t let them have your details.

By the way, I don’t know if Facebook is useful to you in other ways but you can go on Facebook without them. There’s a way to block-light without actually blocking them. Set it so you unfollow them (they won’t be notified) and set it so they only see your public posts or from now on, tailor it so they are excluded from seeing future updates.

Aworldofmyown · 15/04/2018 17:29

My mums family are pretty hideous. My grandmother, and two aunts. My uncle is nice and avoids drama.

Over the years there has been repeated 'leaving out' of my mum - they are all as bad as each other. We avoid them and don't put ourselves out at all - for example if we are in their area we arrange to meet somewhere suitable for us and if they come great, if not thats fine too. If you want to keep a 'loose' connection it is possible.

MakeMineALarge1 · 15/04/2018 17:44

How unbelievably cruel.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 15/04/2018 19:39

My df was a flakey one, I gave him an opportunity to be a dgf despite the grief dm gave me (they divorced when I was a toddler), he started being a no show regularly so I went nc to protect my dc. I told him I wasn't having them sat waiting expectedly in the sofa looking out the window like I did as a dc. That was over 20 years ago.
Don't let him disappoint your dc again.

Juells · 15/04/2018 19:53

despite the grief dm gave me (they divorced when I was a toddler)

Sounds like she'd had a bellyfull of his controlling antics over the years, and was trying to save you.

userxx · 15/04/2018 19:57

That's really really shitty of them.

TheHobbyKing · 15/04/2018 20:08

The response about being lied to is perfect. Don’t engage. Say you’re not interested in their excuses and shut it down. Don’t give them the opportunity to spin it around.

CannaeBeErsed wow your DM sounds hideous.

iamyourequal · 15/04/2018 20:10

OP I have read the thread and am so sorry you have experienced this with your own family. I think I would take a break from them and focus on my own dear close family as you intend to do. Should your father or sister contact you, I would be honest and say how hurt and disappointed you are with their behaviour. Please don’t gloss over it with them for sake of avoiding confrontation. That will solve nothing , as I’m sure you probably know. Enjoy your wonderful children and pour your love and energy into them instead of a family who don’t deserve you. Flowers

Original poster
mummabeargrr · 27/04/2018 14:10

A little update, have just discovered via Facebook that my 'DF' has left the country, didn't once call me or the kids, didn't email nothing. So after 3-4 weeks couldn't manage even 5 minutes. Lovely! Feel really special.
He has ALWAYS called from the airport to say goodbye but nothing.

I think both me and the children know exactly where we stand, and that's nowhere if importance to him.

I wish him, my Sis and BIL very best of luck in their future endeavours but they shall not be shitting on us anymore.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/04/2018 14:13

Ouch, that must sting.

Sorry OP. I think you're right to not bother with them any more. Your DS sounds like a right drama llama! And the rest of them just sound selfish. Focus on your own immediate family and leave them to it! Flowers

Karigan1 · 27/04/2018 14:13

How did you see it on Facebook? Is it a photo? Please comment ‘glad to see your colds better’

astoundedgoat · 27/04/2018 14:17

mummabeargrr That's really shit of them all - I'm so sorry. You know now not to lift a finger to chase after any of them again. Is your DM still around?

Original poster
mummabeargrr · 27/04/2018 14:18

BIL (again) posted something on FB about something else entirely and a friend mentioned DF and BIL he's left the country already, but he been in another post he put on there 2 days ago.
Bloody hate Facebook but if I delete them it will cause loads of drama (I can't be dealing with) I did delete for a while after the first thing but missed loads of posts about my DD activities etc. I can't win.

But I am stepping back from them now. No more.

OP posts:
Littlechocola · 27/04/2018 14:20

My family are like this.

You don’t need them op, you have a lovely family of your own.

Original poster
mummabeargrr · 27/04/2018 14:20

@astoundedgoat DM is around but my Sis gets her love of drama from her, so am wary!
But I have my lovely DC and lovely DH. Just a shame I thought I had more.

Children don't have the wonderful grandparents that lots have, DH parents are both dead. So it's just us 6.

OP posts:
Littlechocola · 27/04/2018 14:21

Just unfollow so you will still be ‘friends’ and won’t get the drama. You won’t see what they are posting.

JustHappy3 · 27/04/2018 14:23

You can just set it up so you don't see their posts without deleting them. That might be better.

Original poster
mummabeargrr · 27/04/2018 14:26

@Littlechocola thank you! Just done exactly that. Also restricted their viewing of my page too.

OP posts:
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