To feel like a bloody fool

[mummabeargrr]

My DS called me a couple of weeks ago to invite me to hers for a BBQ for today, my DF would be in the country and staying with her so we could all meet up. I got DD to organise her work so she had the time off so we could all be there. I get a phone call yesterday from DF to tell me how poorly DS was (she has had a cold) and how busy he was and would it be ok to cancel and maybe he would pop up next weekend to see the DGC but we'll speak later. I said of course obviously.

Then 3 hours ago discover via FB that DS,BIL And DF have all gone to the races!

That is really wank behaviour.

I’d invite df around next weekend, and be out when he arrives 🤷🏼‍♀️ Hey ho...

I suppose a heartfelt letter explaining why you have decided to go no contact with your abusive family until you can learn how to deal with the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) in a way that does not harm your children is a courteous thing to do. You will have to brace for criticism no matter what you do so you may as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb.

I wouldn't confront them. They're never going to admit to being wrong and will twist it. I'd go NC. Did you feel better in the 5 years you weren't in contact with your sister?

What a horrible situation. My sister who lives abroad had a history of staying with me whenever she visited. We had a minor argument via email over something and the following time she visited, she didn't tell me she was coming and didn't see me. I didn't contact her as I was very hurt and fast forward six years and we have not spoken since. We were very close yet she has never met my youngest child. I'm writing this as non contact can be quite easy to do initially as you know from past experience but I think people never have the same relationship again regardless of their intentions.

Families can hurt one another so much. I don't know what I would do as I find non contact painful but I would limit my contact voluntarily with them and would let them visit me if they wished to do so but wouldn't go to much effort with them.

I think it is harder when you have children as I do because while it is difficult to explain a sister you don't have contact with, it is also difficult to have them treated badly and for them to see you being treated badly. I often worry my children will pick up that having poor relationships with family is 'normal' too when it really isn't.

. You are not a fool, you are someone who sees family as being important and worth the effort.

Sadly your extended family is not of the same view. I would focus on my own family and keep their attitude in mind moving forwards.

I would consider very carefully how healthy of an influence that your family are to your dc. They sound narcissistic, toxic and as someone with a lot of experience with narcissism in the family, it is much healthier for you to cut your family out and concentrate on yourself, your DP and your dc.

I also suggest you read the book- Toxic Parents by Susan Forward as it is very illuminating! We have been NC for 6 years and have no regrets!

Do the same to them arrang for them to visit next week end as they plan then just go out! Ops I forgot.

Are they twelve?

Nope nope nope. Fuck that shit. It's the constant second guessing and feelings of disappointment that my family also excelled at.

Going NC was the best thing I ever did. I'd advise you to do the same.

I called my lot on their shite behaviour and got my heart broken by their reply. I will never put myself or my kids in that position again.

NC and block them on social media. If they want a relationship with you & your family, Social Media channels are NOT the way for it to be conducted.

I traveled to the UK in 2012 after 6yrs in Oz and agreed a big family meet up.

My db pulled out, citing a sick girlfriend. That night, pictures all over fb of a huge party at his house. Tosser.

agreed? Arranged.

OP
I'm sad for you.
Know exactly how you feel. All I can say is follow your instincts. When I was in this situation I kept burying my emotions and anything I did say was classed as me being dramatic.
Over many years I was treated as an inconvenience and discluded.
Now I know I should have not kept trying to be part of the family - just to be hurt over and over.
They just escalated in their crappy attitude. Finally walked away.
Follow your instincts.

I would send a nice Get Well card...Hi Sis, hope you're better, shame about weekend, was looking forward to seeing you etc.....you can probably get one with a picture of a horse...but never say outright that you know about what they did. They posted on FB with no care for your feelings so don't even give them the satisfaction of letting them know you saw it..
Now take your time to decide whether you really want them in your life. I would definitely 'have a cold' next weekend as would not want to see DF.....in fact, I would probably 'have a cold' that would last for many years to come. Whatever you decide just remember that you're the better person in all this x

Well as well as being possibly the meanest people on earth, they're also not very bright are they, putting it on fb. Knobs!

I would text your dad saying "please don't lie to me about why you don't want us to visit. We are not available next weekend as this is the last time I will allow you to mess me about or disappoint my children".

And then disengage. Don't respond to any texts or calls. Ignore.

What bastards, horrendous behaviour

What an absolute bunch of arseholes!!!

I would definitely call them out on it. 100%. Stand up for yourself and explain how much this has hurt you (I know this isn't easy, but they deserve to be told)

So sorry this has happened to you OP.

I'd be tempted to post something like "glad sis is feeling better". Then I'd block the lot of them.

It's not just your sister you have a problem with, it's your dad too.

My mother once tried to visit me & not tell my brother. I refused to allow that to happen, told my brother she was coming & made sure to invite him to dinner to see her. That's because I have my brother's back. My mother told me years ago I was her favourite and ever since I knew I have done everything I can to stop her treating him like shit.

We are both LC with her now. The only thing stopping me going NC is her own mother.

I'd be tempted to post something like "glad sis is feeling better". Then I'd block the lot of them.

It's not just your sister you have a problem with, it's your dad too.

My mother once tried to visit me & not tell my brother. I refused to allow that to happen, told my brother she was coming & made sure to invite him to dinner to see her. That's because I have my brother's back. My mother told me years ago I was her favourite and ever since I knew I have done everything I can to stop her treating him like shit.

We are both LC with her now. The only thing stopping me going NC is her own mother.

I'd just leave a comment on FB - 'I'm done, bye.'
And be glad to never clap eyes on them again.

I can say from personal experience that it's such
a relief to duck out of involving yourself with
these kind of snide family members ever again, op.

This:

I would text your dad saying "please don't lie to me about why you don't want us to visit. We are not available next weekend as this is the last time I will allow you to mess me about or disappoint my children".

Is the perfect response.

That would be it for me.

I don't have FB so don't know if this is possible to do, but can you put a pic of you grinning with a glass of bubbly next to the pic they posted with a caption:

"When your 'sister' and 'father' think you are a complete idiot and you realise you want nothing more to do with them"

Wouldn't normally suggest airing anything publicly but that's the medium they chose. I do wish I had done something similar a few years ago with my so called best friend who did something very similar. It would have saved me having to explain to everyone else.
I would then block them completely and have nothing to do with them ever again.

Do not put yourself out again op - you are so much nicer than your family and deserve better.

I am nc with my in-laws and have been for 25 years. They were very unkind to me and one of my reasons was that the behaviour was repeating itself with my children. They wanted to see one but not the other. As another poster has said, in a few years time this behaviour will be hurting your children.

I have no regrets at all, but the kids did start seeing mil when they were older. Needless to say that did not last long but they were old enough to make up their own minds. She even pretends she cannot recall my youngest dd's name. They chose to stop seeing her and sil, the most greedy, entitled person I have ever met. I am sorry to say that people like this do not change.

You are not a fool. They are abusive.

Comment on the photo. ‘You said you were too ill to see us. DC made you gifts and were excited to see you.’

Nothing hysterical. Just the facts so it’s out in the open.

Thank you all for the comments. The reason I posted was to ensure I wasn't being unreasonable in being annoyed by it, I wasn't sure if I was going to get 'plans change don't be silly.' I think this is down to the twisting of things by others to me.

I am annoyed, I am upset. DD has changed her work schedule, I had managed to persuade DS off fortnight, DD had made a card and the baby had no idea who these people are - but we were looking forward to it.

I hate drama, and actively avoid it. If I block on FB I'll get lots of messages 'why have you done that?' Quite frankly can't be bothered with it, I rarely go on there anymore- possibly why BIL posted, or maybe just DF and sis were in cahoots and he knew nothing. Don't care to be honest. I have deactivated my FB account. Many of you are right I don't want or need to see it as it has caused hurt and upset to me and the children.

When / if DF calls or emails next I will put on my big girl pants and say as has been suggested 'don't lie to me again, that was hurtful and cruel.' I shall not make a fuss. I won't bother seeing him next weekend if he suggests it.

I have my lovely family, and the only ones missing out is Sis, BIL and DF, because they clearly don't want to be part of their lives. Good luck to them.

And DF is not getting DD card, he doesn't deserve her hard work frankly!

Why would they post on public FB if there was a chance you would see?

Don’t they ‘care enough’ about your feelings or their lies to at least cover up properly?