To feel like a bloody fool

[mummabeargrr]

My DS called me a couple of weeks ago to invite me to hers for a BBQ for today, my DF would be in the country and staying with her so we could all meet up. I got DD to organise her work so she had the time off so we could all be there. I get a phone call yesterday from DF to tell me how poorly DS was (she has had a cold) and how busy he was and would it be ok to cancel and maybe he would pop up next weekend to see the DGC but we'll speak later. I said of course obviously.

Then 3 hours ago discover via FB that DS,BIL And DF have all gone to the races!

So, last time DF was over (and didn't tell you) your BIL put it on FB and you saw it, which caused a stink, and now they've blatantly lied to you they've posted on FB again?!!!

Sorry to say it but they want you to know. They either enjoy getting one over on you, want to cause trouble or know you'll take it.

So sorry you're having to deal with this, OP.

It sounds like your sister likes to have her own way.

Maybe try to think what you'd normally do and do the exact opposite? The bastards do need to be told you won't stand for it, though.

This sounds like something my family would do. I never make a fuss about it because they just turn it round on me and manage to make themselves the injured parties. I just took the hint and understood that they don't care about me the way I wanted them too.
They are the ones with the problem, not you.

I do think I'd block the pair of them on Facebook though. If you can't see it, you can't be upset by it.

@Schlimbesserung yep that's right, even when they're in the wrong some how it's my fault. Which is why I am so reluctant to call them on it.
Even when I know I am 100% in the right, and have done nothing wrong they will spin it around how I am unreasonable or have misunderstood. Failing that something I did when I was 10 will be bought up, or something as stupid as that.

@stressedoutpa I think this is exactly what I will say IF he calls about next weekend.

I had similar done to me by my family. Don’t even waste time thinking about it, they’re shit people.

You and your kids deserve better, you’ll most certainly be happier

I’d probably post something like “oh is this what you mean by DSis being ill and you too busy to see me and tour grandchildren? 🤔”
Then I’d define what I mean by “family” and if they don’t meet it then I’d go no contact. They don’t seem to be adding anything to your life.

Why not just tell them exactly what you've told us? That you know they lied, you can't be bothered with conversing about it as they will twist the whole thing to be your fault and you can't be arsed. That you are not surprised at their behaviour but they really shouldn't be messing your children around and not to bother scheduling another visit.

You're clearly the adult here, OP. Don't let their petty shit make you feel bad. I know it's easier said than done but you are obviously above their crappy antics.

Families can be such dicks.

Awful people, poor you.

Out of interest why was your wedding date so inconvenient to her? she sounds like a total pita.

It is an awful thing to happen but from your later posts it isn't that unsurprising unfortunately

If you know it will be turned around on you , don't say a thing. If DF tried to meet up next weekend just say DD has a cold and that is it.

@Adversecamber22 the wedding date wasn't convenient for her because she had work 2 days later...

That's just so cheeky and mean.. I'd say don't bother with them for a good long time.

So sorry that's happened OP, some people can be so hurtful.

I don't think I would play games in this situation ie let him turn up and not be there or send sarcastic/horrible messages.

I'd write a letter from the heart explaining how his actions have made you feel and that you're saddened by his behaviour. I'd also explain that you can't allow him to keep hurting you so if it continues then for your own sanity you'll have to sever all ties with him - but that you don't want it to come to that if it can be helped. Some people don't think, they don't consider how their selfish behaviour and actions can impact other people - if, after reading the letter, he still acted that way or acted as though you were over-reacting by sending a letter then I'd just walk away.

Ouch. That is vile behaviour.
Just unfriend, stop looking, try to stop caring (like that will be easy!), and ignore.
No response is more dignified.
Let them do any running regarding contact going forwards - would you want any??

Even when I know I am 100% in the right, and have done nothing wrong they will spin it around how I am unreasonable or have misunderstood. Failing that something I did when I was 10 will be bought up, or something as stupid as that.

Years ago when I asked the is it me or is it them question the answer did not matter because it was all of them against me.
I went no contact with my abusive family and unpacked the baggage I was carrying. Including behaviors I was guilty of. Why Does He DO That as well as Alice Miller's books really helped.
When I reopened communication with my abusive family I was able to limit the interactions so that they never had another opportunity to set me up and knock me down.
Best of luck to you at sorting out your situation.

MissTerri
I know you mean well. But Absolutely no. This would be the last thing to do. Daughter of a narc and scapegoat here.

She sounds terrible, I wouldn't bother to build bridges. People like this feed off of drama.

As someone who is NC with their mum, you really should consider it.
When contact with someone causes you and those you love pain every time you engage, consider how much better you'd feel without that paid in your life. It's actually quite liberating All the best

Bastards. But you absolutely should say something.

I wouldn’t build any bridges. Cancel on him next weekend. He probably visits more than you know and just doesn’t see you or your dc...

I don't like airing dirty laundry in public, but I think I'd call them out on it on FB, say how disappointed your DD was not to see her GD, and let other people see what they're like. Then go NC.

I'm sorry they are so nasty. You are not a fool. I would need to tell them all how disappointed I was.

Your sister sounds really horrible.

I think, if you can take anything from this it is that they are not nice people to be around your kids so I would make your own plans for fun activities with your kids and not lose too much sleep over any of them. Your FIL lied to you even if you Sister was the 'brains'! They are both at fault and pretty mean.

XX

Sorry to hear this, it is unfair and out of order, just read that about your wedding that she had work 2 days later...but it's ok for her niece to take time off work? I would definitely pull them up on it and I would do so on there pictures so that they can't try and lie about it, sorry that your being treated like this

@mummabeargrr so sorry this happened to you :(. Can I just point out that the hurt you feel now will be the hurt your DC feel in a few years when their family members start excluding them and lying to them. Please dont let it happen to them - end it now. Theyre clearly not worth your time.

Personally I wouldn't mention that you know to him, tell him you have a cold next weekend then facebook pictures of yourself out and about fit as a fiddle!