To be fed up with my husband?

[FineAsWeAre]

For context, I work full time and I am also in my final year of studying for a degree. I have struggled with depression for years and have problems with my back and knees which can affect my mobility. My husband also works full time and we have a 7yo. I feel like he’s not being supportive at all, he keeps saying he’ll do more in the house but he isn’t doing, meaning the cleaning is piling up. He cooks most of the time but isn’t organised with the food shopping (despite me doing meal plans and shopping lists) which means him dashing to the supermarket on his way home every day. He is supposed to do the washing as I can’t lift the basket but that piles up too and ends up with it all being done once a week and then I have a mountain to iron and put away. I constantly have to ask him to do things which should be common sense, and if I ask him to do something specific because I’m busy studying, he usually forgets. He claims he’s ‘too tired’ most of the time. AIBU to think he should pull his weight a bit more? I feel like I’ve got two children sometimes!

Will your degree enhance your earning power/quality of life?

He does the food shopping, the cooking, the laundry. Sounds like he does a fair amount.

I’m inclined to agree with NapQueen on this one x

He sounds like he’s doing quite a lot, IMO.

Could you online shop together to ensure you have everything you need? I do the bulk of the housework and still have a pile of laundry at the weekend.

What is it that you think he could be doing more of?

I also think it sounds like he’s doing a fair bit. All the shopping, cooking and laundry sounds quite a lot.

So he does the shopping, the cleaning, the washing and the cooking.

What else do you want him to do?

Sorry, but if a man came on here and complained about his wife the way you’ve just complained about your husband, he would have his arse handed to him on a plate.

If your degree means you cannot contribute much to the household then you need to look into cutting back on something so you can fund help.

It sounds like your DH is supporting you with your degree and your health problems and you are whinging because he’s not doing it to your satisfaction. That’s out of order, if you want it doing a particular way then jack it in your degree and do it yourself.

Why are you ironing??? Not ironed bar a few things in years...

he does do house work though

I agree with Mightymucks

Cooks, shops and launders on top of working full time.

Sounds like you need to reassess what you could do to help.

Can you try getting a good shop delivered?
Could you order it when you do the meal planning?

We live very evenly/equally in our household but have different jobs which suit us both better.

My back is bad so he does most of the washing up, clothes laundry and Hoovering, but I do the organising, shopping, cooking and take more responsibility for proper cleans in the bathroom and kitchen.

I have bouts of depression and anxiety too so that really affects my motivation and ability to focus on any one small task without being overwhelmed my the long list (in my head) of all the other things that need doing.

I do what I can on my good days/weeks and he picks up my slack on the bad ones.

I get where you are coming from, but how does how he feel fit in to all of this?

It says He cooks most of the time but isn’t organised with the food shopping (despite me doing meal plans and shopping lists) which means him dashing to the supermarket on his way home every day

Yet everyone is posting that he does the shopping and cooking - sounds like he does both half-arsed.

Also, i dont iron.
I think about getting a cleaner and ironer regularly

Why can't you do the shopping online?

It's not like he's lazing around gaming. I think you are being a tad unfair.

Perhaps he is struggling too?

Yet everyone is posting that he does the shopping and cooking - sounds like he does both half-arsed.

He does the shopping in the way which is most convenient to him. Which he gets to do.

And he cooks to the OPs orders, hardly a hardship for her. In fact if a man did that he’d get slated for treating his wife like a slave with a list of orders.

If you give your partner an order for food that week and they cook it and prepare it you say ‘thank you’, you don’t whinge they’re doing it wrong because that would make you a bit of a dick.

Ironing is, at best, a nice-to-have.

Your DH is doing a hell of a lot - and he's doing it his way. Is that really the problem here? He's your husband, not the hired help. If you want things done to your specific written instructions, write them and give them to the cleaner (assuming he or she lasts that long).

I think you've taken on too much..a degree a full time job a house a husband a child....I did my degree as a 18 yr old student,no way could I juggle all that you do...I take my hat off to you ..but it sounds like you ve bitten off more than you can chew

Can you get the ironing collected and dropped off OP?

It's sounds like he's doing the lion's share - how he choses to do the housework is surely his choice since he's doing it.

If you're really struggling to do the ironing, then let it slip a bit...not everything needs ironed. We do the washing one day a week like your husband is doing. It makes life easier, I think. We don't iron anything other than blouses/shirts and maybe work trousers if relevant. Tshirts, jumpers, tops, jeans, dresses, towels, bedding, etc. can generally get away without being ironed.

Don't make more work for yourself than is necessary. But equally, it sounds like he's more than pulling his weight. I agree with the poster who says you may just have bitten off more than you can chew!

FFS...ironing? That's what you have to complain about? Don't do it, or pay to have it done. Your husband sounds like a star.

I'm in a similar position - mobility issues, job that's not technically FT but often is, 2DC, and study.

I think your DH is already doing a fair bit, and I try not to complain if it's done in the 'wrong' way - look at the bigger picture, at least it's being done.

Your 7 year old can quite easily help out with sorting washing. Mine does. My 8 yr old walks up a flight of stairs carrying a washing basket with her and DS clothes and repatriates them, then brings the basket down. Perhaps providing separate small, stackable, baskets for each bedroom would help reduce weight and then you can sort them straight into the baskets from the dryer/line. In fact wee DS loves to empty the dryer and sort for me and he's only 4.

If you're already doing meal planning and shopping lists, then do an online shop, it's the next logical step. Takes about 20mins once it's set up. Stick the list on the fridge, and then when people feel up to it they can do a complicated/easy meal (I do a mixture every week).

Ironing - should only be DH shirts! Everything else (school uniforms, your own work clothes) should be either tumbedried and then folded, or hung on a hanger to dry. Voila, no ironing required. Don't buy linen and complicated fabrics like that. Consider whether you can afford to send the shirts out, usually between £1.20 and £2 per shirt.

He might be struggling too.

Another one who thinks like he sounds like he's pulling his weight. What else do you want him to do that he isn't already? The thing is, if you are unable to do these things and he is, you kind of have to accept that he will do them his own way. If it was the other way round, would you expect him to tell you what to do?

And maybe he is 'too tired'. He works full time as well doesn't he?

What you’re really upset about is the ‘mental load’ you are carrying.

Has he sorted the laundry properly?
Will he have done the shopping adequately?
Have I got to ask him again if xyz is done?

I thin’ you need to sit down and talk and try to make him understand you don’t need the aggravation of checking up on him all the time

He sounds helpful to me.

Reminds me of that old joke "I'll stick a broom up me arse and sweep the floor as I go"