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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with my husband?

104 replies

FineAsWeAre · 14/04/2018 16:14

For context, I work full time and I am also in my final year of studying for a degree. I have struggled with depression for years and have problems with my back and knees which can affect my mobility. My husband also works full time and we have a 7yo. I feel like he’s not being supportive at all, he keeps saying he’ll do more in the house but he isn’t doing, meaning the cleaning is piling up. He cooks most of the time but isn’t organised with the food shopping (despite me doing meal plans and shopping lists) which means him dashing to the supermarket on his way home every day. He is supposed to do the washing as I can’t lift the basket but that piles up too and ends up with it all being done once a week and then I have a mountain to iron and put away. I constantly have to ask him to do things which should be common sense, and if I ask him to do something specific because I’m busy studying, he usually forgets. He claims he’s ‘too tired’ most of the time. AIBU to think he should pull his weight a bit more? I feel like I’ve got two children sometimes!

OP posts:
Mightymucks · 14/04/2018 19:08

And another one:

FineAsWeAre

'Helps'?! My MIL is guilty of this kind of attitude. I have a very physically demanding job and I'm also a student. My other half works in an office in a (by his own admission) relatively easy job. He does far more than me in the house and I always get told I'm 'so lucky' and that he 'works so hard'. Yes he's a fantastic husband and dad and I appreciate him but I don't see it as luck. I chose him and if he was lazy/workshy/whatever he'd have to change his ways or leave. I work damn hard too and take our DS for all sorts of lovely days out etc in the holidays but OH never gets told that he's lucky to have me! It's not seen as helping when I clean or bake (admittedly I rarely cook because I'm crap at it). If I was at home all day every day I would do more but I'm not so I don't.

Mightymucks · 14/04/2018 19:10

So basically OP, to sum it up, by your own admission he does way more than you and he has supported you through your entire degree. And the thanks he gets is you slagging him off on here for slacking. Lovely.

Frankly I hope he sees this thread and dumps you. Poor man.

EweDoEwe · 14/04/2018 19:21

It’s a right bastard when your previous posts make a liar of you eh! Grin

Idontevencareanymore · 14/04/2018 19:30

I don't get why between two of you its too hard to set up an online shop. It's so much easier and I only work part time.
The laundry is just being organised, I find putting it in late at night and putting the timer on leaves me able to chuck it out the next day.
Seeing as you're both working f/t I'd be trying to make room in the budget for a cleaner, again this is where that online shop comes in. 1 take away=an hours cleaner.

Bizarre also other comments pp have posted that you've previously stated youre happy with the status quo so something has changed?

OnionKnight · 14/04/2018 19:30

Ahh thread backfire Grin

He needs to LTB.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 14/04/2018 19:31

That’s a bit mean mightymucks.

She might have felt that way almost a year ago, but she’s allowed to feel differently now.

Iflyaway · 14/04/2018 19:34

which means him dashing to the supermarket on his way home every day.

I did too, for years as a single mum, between work and picking up DS from after-school club.....

Yes. Life is not a fairy tale and they lived happily ever after

From where I'm reading, your OH sounds amazing....

Mightymucks · 14/04/2018 19:36

The most recent ones were less than 6 months ago. I imagine he might feel differently too. Perhaps he saw his wife’s posts crowing about how clever she was to have picked a willing slave to run around after her and decided he wasn’t being taken for a mug anymore?

Mightymucks · 14/04/2018 19:38

And they were spread over a long period of time. Clearly he’s been doing everything for a long time. Maybe he’s decided he’s had enough and it’s time for the OP to pull her weight.

OnionKnight · 14/04/2018 19:38

crowing about how clever she was to have picked a willing slave to run around after her

Exactly, if my wife did this she'd be sent packing.

pandarific · 14/04/2018 19:39

Drip feed op! In which case yes he sounds like he's letting you carry the mental load, which is unfair and yes needs to stop.

Treacletoots · 14/04/2018 19:41

Ok.OP. I think I get your point. Your DP does help but you have to tell him to do it, else it's likely it won't happen.

What you wanted was a grown up man, who can think ahead, think about others Nd actually do stuff with having to be asked, told or shown how to.

I agree, you've still got the whole house to clean, so laundry and cooking are just a small part. My exH used to hoover once a week and clean the kitchen worktops ( nothing else in the kitchen!) And thought he was amazing. I didn't. He also had to be asked to shut the door behind him to stop the dog escaping. He never did. He never cleaned the bathroom, or bedroom or dusted and we'll the list goes on.

It's tiring having to mentally organise everything for yourself your DC and.him as well.

I understand. How to help.. I can't say as i divorced mine (sorry) hope you don't have to do the same!

Nanna50 · 14/04/2018 19:44

What did you both agree to when you decided to do a degree on top of a full time job? Have you discussed this since?

You have taken an awful lot on with a full time job, studying for a degree, with recurring depression, mobility problems, a 7 year old child and not driving a car.

I think that would put pressure on any one, you are coping as best you can maybe your OH is too?

When I moved from PT working to FT working I discussed the division of housework and childcare with my DH however we were both surprised by how much it actually changed the dynamic.

Did you talk about it do you ever get the chance to talk now?

Nanna50 · 14/04/2018 19:47

Oh looks like the thread has moved on while I was typing ...

feelingfree17 · 14/04/2018 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Juells · 14/04/2018 19:47

Ok.OP. I think I get your point. Your DP does help but you have to tell him to do it, else it's likely it won't happen.

Did you miss all the previous posts the OP made about how much housework he actually does?

Babyplaymat · 14/04/2018 19:48

He's hardly a slave, it sounds like he just about manages some very basic tasks while his wife is out of the house longer and is completing demanding training with health issues.

Jannilost · 14/04/2018 19:55

Op, how do i put this politely? You sound like an arse.
You decide to be out the house / working more then needed by taing a degree. You tell your husband to do stuff, he does it, but not when you want / how you want?
If any man came here and was like i'm studying and working and my wife takes ages to do my washing, he would be slaughtered.

Mightymucks · 14/04/2018 19:55

babyplaymat, you’re missing the bit where the OP repeatedly posted about how much more than her he did.

TheJoyOfSox · 14/04/2018 20:04

Pull his weight more? He seems to be doing everything.

You’ve got him doing the cooking, the laundry, the shopping. Just what do you do? It’s not surprising he’s tired poor love, he seems to be doing the lions share.

Could you afford a cleaner?

Serialweightwatcher · 14/04/2018 20:07

Don't iron unless necessary (about once a year in my case)
Do online shop always - saves money too because you don't get distracted by the aisles

Thinkingofausername1 · 14/04/2018 20:15

I think you need to reassess what really matters. If you can't cope at home, how are you going to manage working? I'm asking from experience of having a disability myself, and trying to juggle home life and illness is a struggle without adding work on top, is crazy.
I understand where you are coming from, but I think if you are, intelligent enough to be doing a degree, i think you could think about on line shopping and how you can make both of your lives easier. And not rely too much on your dh?
If you don't have issues using computer then Definitely do online shopping and research local cleaners. Then you can enjoy time together much more and not feel resentful.

Kezzamo · 14/04/2018 20:17

Just wondering what doing bath and bed for a 7 year old entails? Oi kid, bath! Oi kid bed! Right now on ready to do my stuff!

willynillypie · 14/04/2018 23:22

Mightymucks

You are my hero. What a fucking legend!

Original poster
FineAsWeAre · 14/04/2018 23:35

Wow you’re a brutal lot. Think I’ve had enough abuse now so I’ll consider myself told and leave the thread. Best go do some cooking so my poor tired husband can put his feet up Smile

OP posts:
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