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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with my husband?

104 replies

FineAsWeAre · 14/04/2018 16:14

For context, I work full time and I am also in my final year of studying for a degree. I have struggled with depression for years and have problems with my back and knees which can affect my mobility. My husband also works full time and we have a 7yo. I feel like he’s not being supportive at all, he keeps saying he’ll do more in the house but he isn’t doing, meaning the cleaning is piling up. He cooks most of the time but isn’t organised with the food shopping (despite me doing meal plans and shopping lists) which means him dashing to the supermarket on his way home every day. He is supposed to do the washing as I can’t lift the basket but that piles up too and ends up with it all being done once a week and then I have a mountain to iron and put away. I constantly have to ask him to do things which should be common sense, and if I ask him to do something specific because I’m busy studying, he usually forgets. He claims he’s ‘too tired’ most of the time. AIBU to think he should pull his weight a bit more? I feel like I’ve got two children sometimes!

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 14/04/2018 17:28

You know you don't have to do the ironing all at once, just because he does the washing all at once. Take a leaf out of his book and organise your tasks to suit you, just like he organises his tasks to suit him.

pandarific · 14/04/2018 17:29

Also want to know know if your degree will enhance your earning power or quality of life - as if not, that could be something to knock on the head as it sounds like you have a lot on.

He sounds like he contributes fine, you do perhaps sound (a bit) rigid - don’t iron, it’s needless! Also, not everyone wants to meal plan and shop with precision, dashing to the supermarket after work is pretty normal.

MrsExpo · 14/04/2018 17:35

Tbh, I'd be delighted if mine did that much!! I think you're being a bit U when you say I feel like he’s not being supportive at all. He sounds like he's doing quite a lot and not surprised he's tired.

Will your degree enhance your earning ability? If so, will you then be able to outsource some of the domestic stuff (ironing, get a cleaner once a week, have groceries delivered etc).

NukaColaGirl · 14/04/2018 17:36

Yes let’s encourage OP to drop out in the final leg of her degree Hmm Ffs!

OP is studying full time, working full time and is disabled. She shouldn’t have to be chasing her DH around to make sure he does basic chores properly!

  1. Online food shop that he does, not you.

  2. Batch cook meals, or slow cook.

  3. if you’ve got a tumble dryer, use that instead and you should only need to iron shirts.

I’m a disabled single Mum to 3 who studies full time and works, any married woman or man should not have the same mental load a single me. Stop making excuses for piss poor behaviour in men.

Allthewaves · 14/04/2018 17:37

It sounds like a pretty even split. Does he have different level of 'clean' to you. I clean house once a week and do all the washing on a weekday.

Juells · 14/04/2018 17:41

OP is studying full time, working full time and is disabled. She shouldn’t have to be chasing her DH around to make sure he does basic chores properly!

Another way of looking at it is Who made her the boss of him? If the chores are getting done, why the fuck does she have the final say about everything? That's control freakery.

Knittedfairies · 14/04/2018 17:43

He is being supportive. He is shopping, cooking and doing the washing, but maybe not to your standards or timetable. Either you tell him his efforts are falling short of the mark, or you lower your standards. I don’t know what else you could expect of him, unless he writes your assignments...

ShastaBeast · 14/04/2018 17:44

OP, I’m in a similar position with a similar husband so understand better than others might. DH should be doing half of the household chores as a starting point and then it’s a negotiation from that point. But the sacrifice you probably need to make is lowering your standards or paying for extra help. Slowly things have got better but it will never be organised and tidy until the kids move out (or stop being messy and start helping). Start with small things that are easy to change and look at how you can contribute. If the degree is the thing making it too hard right now it will be over and you may just have to live with doing the minimum or spending extra for convenience.

Mightymucks · 14/04/2018 17:46

OP is studying full time, working full time and is disabled. She shouldn’t have to be chasing her DH around to make sure he does basic chores properly!

This is typical Mumsnet bullshit. If a man behaved like the OP, handing his wife his food order for the week and expecting it to materialise on his plate and demanding that she did the washing to fit her specifications he would be told he was an abuser and his wife would be told to LTB. A woman comes on and dresses it up as ‘meal planning’ and suddenly he’s in the wrong.

He is under no obligation to do the shopping or washing in any way apart

Mightymucks · 14/04/2018 17:47

Apart from that which he chooses. If my husband behaved like the OP he’d be given the finger and the number of a takeaway and laundrette.

Original poster
FineAsWeAre · 14/04/2018 17:48

I’m training to be a teacher so it will hugely increase my salary. Drip feed (sorry) - I work 10 hour days and don’t drive so rarely get home before 6:30/7. He’s home at 5. I do bath and bedtime for our son and I’ve then got uni work to do as well as cleaning, because he does the cooking and then sits down for the night. I’m struggling to fit it all in which is why stuff’s piling up. If I don’t meal plan, he doesn’t buy food so we end up eating takeaways. I don’t think it’s too much to ask to do a little bit of cleaning as well. To those saying he does a lot and that I should do food shopping online, what does that leave him with? Cooking tea and putting washing in the machine. Even without ironing there’s still the whole house to clean. I’m not as picky as I sound, it’s little things like I asked him to buy some things for DS’s homework project and he forgot so it’s another thing for me to do that will take me twice as long because I’ll have to get the bus and he could have done it on his lunch break at work.

OP posts:
theveryhighlife · 14/04/2018 17:53

Why don't you get a cleaner? And do an online shop? It seems such a waste of energy to argue over household chores. He sounds like a good egg and could probably do with the break too.

BoomBoomsCousin · 14/04/2018 17:55

So he doesn’t really take responsibility for his chores? He just does the most basic he can and if it’s not good enough (by which I mean, it doesn’t meet basic needs, not it doesn’t meet 5* standards) then you have to pick up the pieces?

That does sound pretty poor. What does he say when you talk to him about it?

Mightymucks · 14/04/2018 17:56

So basically

Cheesypasta · 14/04/2018 18:00

Not my thread I know but I'm now feeling I should be cut more slack by my DH. We both work full time, split the cooking between us but I do all the shopping, plus all the laundry, and have to field complaints that I don't iron things properly or fold his clothes the way he likes them.

Mightymucks · 14/04/2018 18:01

So basically you have a similar amount of free time but you have chosen to fill it with Uni work but you want to have your cake and eat it by having time to study plus free time and your solution to this is that he should do more housework so you can do less? Cooking, shopping plus laundry vs. cleaning the house sounds like a pretty fair 50/50 split to me. You have taken on too much to do your fair share of housework plus your other commitments. You can ask your DH to take on more, but the way you are approaching it by complaining about what he already does is out of order and counterproductive as he would be completely justified in telling you to get fucked.

YouTheCat · 14/04/2018 18:02

Do an online shop to make both your lives easier. It's not a competition on who does most.

Earmark 30 minutes after your ds goes to bed where both of you do stuff around the house.

NukaColaGirl · 14/04/2018 18:04

So OP is doing all the other housework, her DH only has these few jobs to do, doesn’t do them properly leaving her to do them and she’s somehow horrible?ConfusedHmm Riiiiight.

Original poster
FineAsWeAre · 14/04/2018 18:05

We can’t afford a cleaner, I would love one though. Why does everyone think he’s not doing stuff to my standards or that I’m being bossy? He’s not doing any other cleaning and doesn’t make food or do the shopping unless I give him a list. If he didn’t do those things, he’d literally be doing nothing other than the washing. Fair enough, I could chill about when he does that but I don’t think I’m being unreasonable expecting him to do more than an equal split of household chores when I’m studying, working and not well. He wanted me to do it and said he would do more, it’s not as though I’ve handed him a list of jobs and told him to crack on while I put my feet up.

OP posts:
RedSkyAtNight · 14/04/2018 18:07

If you both work full time and have a 7 year old (i.e. not a small toddler) so are presumably out of the house for most of the day, I'm struggling to understand why cleaning is a massive chore. Maximum of 20 minutes after dinner every day to do odd tidying and wipe the kitchen surfaces down. Then an hour each (maybe 30 minute for the 7 year old) on a Saturday morning and that will surely cover all the basics? If you're a family that is time poor then you may have to let standards slip.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/04/2018 18:07

A. Learn to drive
B. Learn to drive
C. Learn to drive
D. Talk about what you consider to be a more equitable split.

gingergenius · 14/04/2018 18:08

I'm in the same boat as you OP, (work/uni/health issues/depression) except I'm a single parent of 3. Sounds like you've got lots of help. Stop moaning.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/04/2018 18:08

Don't give him a list. You're not his mother. Let him fail. See what happens.

ConciseandNice · 14/04/2018 18:11

Your free time is taken up by study. That’s your choice. He shouldn’t have to do extra work so that his ‘work time’ is the same as yours. Plus, stop ironing, this is an utter waste of time. I have a professional role and never iron, my husband irons for about half an hour a week. We both wear suits. Piles of ironing make no bloody sense.

Let him do the online shop, but stop
Micromanaging. It’s bad for both of you. If you end up living in a shit tip things will change.

MilkyCoffeeAndSkinnySyrup · 14/04/2018 18:11

Sorry if I am being mean but you sound like you constantly nag at him! Poor bloke, just give him a break. He is doing enough for you as it is on top of working full time as well.