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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up with my husband?

104 replies

FineAsWeAre · 14/04/2018 16:14

For context, I work full time and I am also in my final year of studying for a degree. I have struggled with depression for years and have problems with my back and knees which can affect my mobility. My husband also works full time and we have a 7yo. I feel like he’s not being supportive at all, he keeps saying he’ll do more in the house but he isn’t doing, meaning the cleaning is piling up. He cooks most of the time but isn’t organised with the food shopping (despite me doing meal plans and shopping lists) which means him dashing to the supermarket on his way home every day. He is supposed to do the washing as I can’t lift the basket but that piles up too and ends up with it all being done once a week and then I have a mountain to iron and put away. I constantly have to ask him to do things which should be common sense, and if I ask him to do something specific because I’m busy studying, he usually forgets. He claims he’s ‘too tired’ most of the time. AIBU to think he should pull his weight a bit more? I feel like I’ve got two children sometimes!

OP posts:

Mightymucks · 14/04/2018 18:12

I don’t think I’m being unreasonable expecting him to do more than an equal split of household chores when I’m studying, working and not well.

What do you think Mumsnet would say to a man who came on here and said he had made a unilateral decision that his wife was going to be doing the majority of the housework because he wanted to study? His wife would be told to LTB.

If your health is that bad why are you studying and becoming a teacher? It sounds like you are being a bit selective with how you see your illness as limiting you. E.g. it doesn’t stop you doing things you want to do (studying) or are paid to do (working) but when it comes to the shitty unpaid nitty gritty jobs then suddenly it’s a problem.

And OF COURSE he doesn’t shop if you don’t give him a list. Because if he did you’d complain he’d got that wrong too.

Quartz2208 · 14/04/2018 18:16

I dont think it is 50% though from what she says

OP sit down and figure out exactly what the chores are and do a 50% split

@cheesypasta tell him that if he doesnt like the way you do it to do it himself

WonderLime · 14/04/2018 18:18

I completely understand the OP’s issue - if she doesn’t write a shopping list he won’t bother shopping and cooking - and if she complains about being stuck with takeaways she’ll still be in the wrong and will be told to cook herself if it’s a problem. And I don’t think sticking some washing in the machine is particularly hard with laundry - it’s the getting out to dry/ ironing (if doing)/putting it away that takes the actual time.

And I seriously can’t believe there are some idiots criticising you for studying to increase your household income and should just knock it on the head. Honestly...

What you need is for him to take some of the mental load. He needs to be able to food prep and cook without input for example, or see the washing and just put it away without being asked.

I don’t know what the answer is, but I think that’s the problem that needs addressing.

Chewbecca · 14/04/2018 18:19

Why don't you take over the food shopping and do it online and give him one of your other chores? do you do all of the rest of the chores, it sounds like it from your most recent post? I think I'd ask him to do a weekly vacuum and/or a weekly bathroom clean as a swap, neither can be good with your back.

I'd also drop the ironing.

Nanny0gg · 14/04/2018 18:20

Why won't you do an online shop?

It's so easy the from the second time as you can just look at what you've bought before.

FiveNightsAtMummys · 14/04/2018 18:27

Could you do a Rota sort of thing? E.g Monday spag bol for tea, put a wash in, Hoover bedrooms. Also include the things you do bath dc, wash dishes. My partner needs telling what to do, not in a lazy way but If i asked him to help out more and didn't say how, he'd prob wash the dishes even if house was desperate for a Hoover.

Mightymucks · 14/04/2018 18:30

it’s the getting out to dry/ ironing (if doing)/putting it away that takes the actual time.

He gets it out to dry. OP can’t lift the basket.

and if she complains about being stuck with takeaways she’ll still be in the wrong and will be told to cook herself if it’s a problem.

Oh right. So the OP is allowed to whinge he’s doing everything wrong and dictate how he does things but if he does the same back to her and says ‘do it yourself if you want it doing like that’ he’s wrong?

Mumsnet is literally beyond parody sometimes. A man behaving like the OP would be torn apart, but apparently possession of a vagina means you’re entitled to treat your spouse like a servant with lists of demands and specifications?

TigerTown · 14/04/2018 18:32

No idea why OP is getting such a hard time, pretty obvious this is a classic case of her carrying all the mental load!

OP - draw up a list of jobs that need doing as the bare minimum to keep the house running every week, and list the full steps that include that one job. So ‘washing’ includes sorting, putting the load on, hanging out, putting clothes away. I’d personally drop ironing for everything other than work shirts, most other things won’t need ironing if you use the tumble dryer or hang them directly onto a hanger when they are still wet.

Sit down with your husband and work out a 50/50 split, with the agreement that you will each own that job in its entirety but you each have control over how that job gets done.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/04/2018 18:34

When do you finish your course? If it’s this year, you’ll be lining up a job soon. And when that happens, I suggest you get a cleaner. As for the online shopping, you are doing the list anyway. Once you’ve set up ordering the first time, it only takes 15 mins to complete an order. Your dh will need to be home to unpack the delivery as he would have done anyway and will then have the extra time he would have spent in the supermarket to run the hoover round. I really don’t understand your comment about him somehow needing to go to the supermarket otherwise he does too little. It’s all about working smarter.

And I agree with others. Learn to drive!

WonderLime · 14/04/2018 18:35

If his only job is cooking and part of the laundry (he doesn’t put it away) and he won’t do the cooking unless OP meal plans, then of course she can complain. If he doesn’t want to do that job/ is too incompetent to do it, then he can do something else. The fact is OP is having to do parts of his jobs and then still does all the other cleaning and childcare, so he’s really not pulling his weight. I would say the same if roles were reversed.

Mightymucks · 14/04/2018 18:42

He does the food shopping, the laundry and all the cooking plus works full time and his spouse complains what he does is not good enough. No woman would post on here and be told her partner was entitled to bitch and moan if she did that.

If the sexes where reversed you’d be telling the OP to LTB. Because basically what the OP is asking is that he does everything and leaves her to contribute a minimal amount of housework. That is not on and it’s not a fair split.

crimsonlake · 14/04/2018 18:43

Sorry if I am missing something but I do not understand how you can work all day as a trainee teacher which means you are on your feet all day considering your back and knee issues?
As for the basket of washing being too heavy the solution would be to pick up a few items at a time. Skip the ironing also.

BrendasUmbrella · 14/04/2018 18:45

Yet everyone is posting that he does the shopping and cooking - sounds like he does both half-arsed.

And the washing. Someone doing things reluctantly and half arsed only after nagging is just another source of stress.

But also, try and make things easier on yourself. Why do you need to iron a mountain of clothes? Just iron shirts, most other things just need to be hung up.

Vangoghsear · 14/04/2018 18:49

Cleaning: just do absolute minimum
Cooking and shopping: let him do it his way
Washing: sounds like it does get done
Ironing: stop bothering
He is never going to do things your way but he is contributing to household stuff.

Babyplaymat · 14/04/2018 18:50

She's hardly taking some fun vocational course, she's doing teacher training which is full on. She's getting home 2 hours after him, having been on her feet all day with a bad back and yet we should be feeling sorry for him?!

WonderLime · 14/04/2018 18:50

If the sexes where reversed you’d be telling the OP to LTB.

No, I wouldn’t. I do the washing, cooking and shopping in my family. I would have to up and leave my partner by your definition if I felt that it wasn’t enough.

But shopping and cooking for me means organising what we will eat all week - not just waiting for a list of picking up takeaways when no list is present. Laundry means washing/ drying and putting away - especially not leaving something my DP physically couldn’t able do. HE DOES NOT DO COMPLETE JOBS!

And I don’t actually think that makes up half all chores and childcare even IF he was doing the jobs completely.

Because basically what the OP is asking is that he does everything and leaves her to contribute a minimal amount of housework. That is not on and it’s not a fair split.

No, she has said that she does all other cleaning and childcare. She is studying to increase her earnings and overall household income. She is definitely doing the lion share but apparently some laundry and the cooking seems to be worthy of worship on MN.

Mightymucks · 14/04/2018 18:52

And the OP has previously posted that he does actually clean too, in fact she had previously posted that he does everything so she can study. Perhaps he’s just getting a bit fucked off with being taken for granted doing so much to support his wife’s studying and his thanks being bitched and moaned about and slagged off to a load of women online maybe?

OP, if my DH behaved the way you’re doing he would be divorced before he even knew what was happening.

WonderLime · 14/04/2018 18:56

She says in this post that he’s not doing any other cleaning.

Babyplaymat · 14/04/2018 18:58

He's home two hours earlier. That alone means most of this stuff should fall to him, ignoring the ill/studying bit

Mightymucks · 14/04/2018 19:00

Well she has said before that he does. In fact in the past she has posted about how amazing he is and how much he does.

Mightymucks · 14/04/2018 19:04

07/10/2017 23:20 FineAsWeAre

Yanbu. I really appreciate mine too. He's not perfect but neither am I. He works his arse off then comes home, cooks tea and cleans so that I have time to study.

Mightymucks · 14/04/2018 19:05

^^That was the OP not that long ago on another thread

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 14/04/2018 19:05

She's working to put them in a better financial position.!!..

To all those ninnies telling her to give up degree.... This is exactly the thinking which made my pal is still doing a cleaning job for 20 years, at basic wages where she could easily have been on senior management team as a teacher on much better salary... She was made to give up her teaching degree as her poor lickle partner was getting cheesed off with doing his fair share and refused to be around to collect their kids... On his way home from his work..

It's not the number of tasks, it's the amount of time they consume.... For the partner rushing to pick up stuff in supermarket on the way home and putting together a simple tea could take less than 30 mins a day....

Then chuck stuff in washing machine what 15 mins tops?

Then he gets to sit down...

It's all the emotional labour that makes it feel worse.... Remembering everything the OH has forgotten....

Don't underestimate how much a disability takes it out of you...

Twogoround · 14/04/2018 19:06

When one of you is studying it takes up a lot of time . And yes the other person has taken on most of the housework.
For all of you that have degree that seems to most of mumset.

Did you not remember how hard you studied.
I have supported 2 people though a degree. They did bugger all housework . Just spent time with kids . And uni work that was it.
I sure all you degree holder study hard. And had loads of airport.

Mightymucks · 14/04/2018 19:06

Here’s another previous gem from the OP:

09/07/2017 20:30 FineAsWeAre

Mine can (and does) do housework, I often say he's a better wife than me. I don't get these women who have lazy 'incapable' husbands who do nothing, mine wouldn't be living here if he was like that.

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