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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL and feeding milestones

102 replies

losingitovermilestones · 13/04/2018 01:15

NC and may have to bump in the morning as it's late. Not sure what I'm expecting to get out of this besides a massive angry rant but that will do me for now.

My MIL does a days childcare a week for me so I can work. Please no "just pay for childcare" comments- I can't afford it and I can't afford not to work. So yes, I know I should just be grateful and not whinge about what's coming next, but: she's stealing all of my feeding milestones.

She is only with my 9 month old DD a few hours once a week and has already introduced her to solid food, fruit pouches, handheld snacks and juice before I have had a chance. And I feel like I'm missing out on all my 'firsts'. DD is my first baby and I also couldn't BF. I exclusively pumped for months so I feel like I really cling to these feeding milestones as my little achievements.

I think I am also bitter because, when she used to see me struggling to latch, she would say really unhelpful things like "Well it's so much easier for me to feed her now" because all of my milk was bottled. She once even took DD out of my arms when I was trying to latch her at just a few weeks old, because she wanted to cuddle her!

I think my annoyance of her introducing all of these new things stems from more (as she hasn't exactly been helpful anywhere in our marriage or parenthood) but, before I go ahead and ask her to stop giving my DD something new every week (not that there's anything new left now)... am I being ridiculously unreasonable?

Should I jusy be greatful of the help? Or glad she is sharing these things with the granddaughter she loves? I've talked to my DH but he just won't say a bad word to his mother. If I am BU, how do I stop myself feeling so upset? Did anyone else have experience with this and did you feel like you were BU?

I do want to be realistic but please go a little easy as this is something that is really getting to me, even if it shouldn't.

OP posts:

SharkSave · 13/04/2018 05:48

I think if it's food you are happy for your child to have then you can't really complain. Unfortunately you are going to miss things when she's being cared for by others, that's just what happens. I'm not bashing you for working btw, I work FT myself so have missed a few little things

pacempercutiens · 13/04/2018 05:58

YANBU, however, unless you can think of a different childcare option there's probably little you can do. Do you think she would listen to you if you spoke to her about it?

If my MIL had done this I would have spoken to her after the first time (and DH would have) and swapped childcare after the second, but I'm lucky to have the options (and a MIL that wouldn't do that).

LolitaLempicka · 13/04/2018 06:01

Your post is very measured and I think you realise that she really isn’t doing anything wrong. You also know that you are very very lucky to have free (?) childcare, so I think you have come on here to vent. So vent away, it is better than having a go at your DH or your MIL over what is really a minor issue. I do get that it is frustrating though, but bite your tongue and come and have a moan here instead.

icklekid · 13/04/2018 06:09

If there are things you want to introduce your daughter to can you not do it the other 6 days of the week? Did she introduce solid food before you wanted to wean? That is out of order but in my head that is the only good milestone there Is? I appreciate your frustration at the past can be hard to move on from have you got a good relationship generally to be able to talk about how things like this make you feel?

IHATEPeppaPig · 13/04/2018 06:10

I think it's very insensitive at the very least, most people would realise that the mother and father would want to be the first to introduce solid food!

Have you spoken to her about it?! Unfortunately, you may have to put up with it if you need the childcare - it pains me to say that.

I felt so so angry towards my MIL for a good 2 years (sh was a massive pain in h arse) and it took my second one o just let things go a little. I feel your pain in though OP - it's so hard being a working parent with tha guilt, missing your child etc

SharronNeedles · 13/04/2018 06:10

It feels huge now but it won't soon. You'll just be happy that LO is getting fed!
I work FT so I completely understand. Make the most of your days off. I have always been terrified about missing milestones but he said his first word to me and took his first steps walking towards me so I hold on to that.

icklekid · 13/04/2018 06:11

Food not good

qwertyuiopy · 13/04/2018 06:14

I don’t understand why you can’t do the “first” the day before (metaphorically) MIL does them.

mamansnet · 13/04/2018 06:20

I don't think YABU. If you work FT then realistically you are going to miss out on things anyway, but I agree that food milestones is one thing you should at least be able to control. I do think your DH could have a gentle word with his DM on your behalf - it doesn't have to be 'bad' or an argument. He just needs to say how sad it's making you to miss out on things. If he really won't help, does he have a sister or other family member with kids that might 'notice' and have a quiet word on your behalf?

Otherwise the only thing you can do is either put up with it and rant to us, or tell her yourself. I'd probably tell her and lay on the waterworks a bit. Good luck.

hodgeheg92 · 13/04/2018 06:29

With regards to breastfeeding your MiL sounds horrid - you would not have been unreasonable to have said something about this.

With regards to the foods - your post suggests that you think you're being a little sensitive because of your previous issues and I think that's the case.

Perhaps you won't be the first person to feed your lo strawberries (for example) but in a few years I don't think that will be a significant memory so long as you're making lots of others when you do get time off.

Ps please don't berate yourself over having difficulty breastfeeding, I'm sure you tried your best for your baby

AngelsOnHigh · 13/04/2018 06:36

I would be more inclined to talk to her about giving a nine month old fruit pouches, hand held snacks and juice.

Pretty much full of sugar.

Actually when my DM looked after my DD, I was pretty thankful that she had been fed and I didn't have to worry about cooking food for her.

The one think my DM did was not tell me when DD 's first tooth came through. She let me "discover" it myself a few days later.

splendide · 13/04/2018 06:40

Doing first solid food is bizarre especially if she’s only got her one day a week. The others I didn’t see as milestones so that wouldn’t bother me. I wouldn’t want a baby given juice or fruit pouches at all really but I’d let it go once a week.

Did she tell you/ DH she was going to do it? Was it when you were planning to start food?

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/04/2018 06:40

Oh bless you. It sounds as if your mil rode rough shot over you when you were feeling very vulnerable. As for feeding your dd now, as a pp has said, if you’re happy for your dd to eat the food, you’re feeling sensitive because of the past issues. In a few years time, the feelings you’re having about firsts and food will fade. Firsts really are overrated, you know.

noMincedWords · 13/04/2018 06:43

"she hasn't exactly been helpful anywhere in our marriage or parenthood"

Yes she has. She enables your work and sounds happy to do so for free. The very definition of helpful.

My second child was very sick when born and couldn't breastfeed - it was easier for all involved to have a bottle-fed baby and I wasn't upset when DH was delighted that he could be more involved in feeding and "middle of the night bonding"

I understand why you're upset but I still think you're unreasonable. Concentrate on how lucky your daughter is to have a grandmother who's so keen to look after her.

As a slight aside, I don't think it's up to your husband to pass on your thoughts to his mother unless you and she really can't bear to talk to each other in any situation and that clearly isn't the case. She'll quickly form a very low opinion of you if you expect your husband to pass complaints along.

splendide · 13/04/2018 06:44

Oh and petty point but MIL does a days a week childcare for your DH and you not just you. It might be healthier to start talking about it as such. It’s his mum doing him a favour primatlrily (and very nice of her too). My mum does a day a week childcare and nobody would ever describe it as “for” my DH.

Pengggwn · 13/04/2018 06:50

You can't tell your MIL, who cares for your child free of charge so you can work, 'Don't give DC their first banana - I want to do that.'

In the nicest possible way, pull yourself together. She is doing you and your partner an enormous kindness.

JackietheBackie · 13/04/2018 06:59

I think there is always some weird territorial between parents and grandparents, but you would be wise to try to not get upset.

You could either bring your all the food that you want the baby to eat that day so MIL doesn't have to provide it. Or you could ask her not to give her things she hasn't tried before because you are worried about the baby having an allergic reaction. Or you could ask your MIL to take pictures of the baby trying the new things she gives her.

It is just one day. And it is really lovely for children to have a good relationship with their Grandparents. Try not to let your feelings spoil that for your child. Make sure you get her first haircut and shoes and all those other things done. But even if you don't - she is your daughter, she is going to love you best regardless of who gave her the first oatcake in her life.

Dancinggoat · 13/04/2018 07:18

Unless you give her all the food ready prepared for the day you can't complain.

If she's feeding your child age appropriate, healthy food then there's no issue.

If the child hasn't tried certain tastes that's impossible for her to know what you've given and haven't.

It's hard seeing someone else have control over your little one. It pulls at your heart and I understand that's it's horrid. Vent away.

Helmetbymidnight · 13/04/2018 07:24

I think 'feeding milestones' is a ridiculous concept. So yes I think it would be unreasonable to say - hold back on the raisins I want to be the first.

But ...I know it can feel so weird when someone is looking after your baby, especially someone you're not that fond of. Try and think of the positives- and try to spend as little time with her as you politely can.

Grenoble124 · 13/04/2018 07:29

If she gave her the first solid food I wouldn't be impressed. Be very careful with the sugar content. My 22mo has tooth decay.

The bf comment would have pissed me off. My mil in law used to come into my home and tell me to cover up as people could see in. I would not mind her trying differnt foods as long as they were not unhealthy.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 13/04/2018 07:34

You can't tell your MIL, who cares for your child free of charge so you can work, 'Don't give DC their first banana - I want to do that.'

You can tell her anything you want! If she's going to give up looking after her gc (I highly doubt from your post) every time you object then then you're going to have to pull back somewhere and pay for childcare.

Although I'm confused why she started weaning? Introduced juices? Send dd in with all snacks and drinks from now on.

flumpybear · 13/04/2018 07:35

I'd tell her to follow your lead, you need to set boundaries. Give her boxes of food to give your child and ask her not to introduce new things as you've got a fixed plan of what you want to happen

In laws need boundaries

Makingworkwork · 13/04/2018 07:36

I agree with the other poster about juice. Under 2 year olds should not have juice. Hand held snacks don’t have to contain sugar though.

I am also confused about this this happened OP. Did you say to MIL on Tuesday we are going to start weaning and she started weaning on Monday? Or did she also give food on Wednesday which I think is fine.

flumpybear · 13/04/2018 07:36

*and parents (mine are both dead ... I usually forget to mention own parents too .... the need boundaries too !

Ninabellina · 13/04/2018 07:43

I would be so cross if anyone gave my dc juice without my permission.

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