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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and feeding milestones

102 replies

losingitovermilestones · 13/04/2018 01:15

NC and may have to bump in the morning as it's late. Not sure what I'm expecting to get out of this besides a massive angry rant but that will do me for now.

My MIL does a days childcare a week for me so I can work. Please no "just pay for childcare" comments- I can't afford it and I can't afford not to work. So yes, I know I should just be grateful and not whinge about what's coming next, but: she's stealing all of my feeding milestones.

She is only with my 9 month old DD a few hours once a week and has already introduced her to solid food, fruit pouches, handheld snacks and juice before I have had a chance. And I feel like I'm missing out on all my 'firsts'. DD is my first baby and I also couldn't BF. I exclusively pumped for months so I feel like I really cling to these feeding milestones as my little achievements.

I think I am also bitter because, when she used to see me struggling to latch, she would say really unhelpful things like "Well it's so much easier for me to feed her now" because all of my milk was bottled. She once even took DD out of my arms when I was trying to latch her at just a few weeks old, because she wanted to cuddle her!

I think my annoyance of her introducing all of these new things stems from more (as she hasn't exactly been helpful anywhere in our marriage or parenthood) but, before I go ahead and ask her to stop giving my DD something new every week (not that there's anything new left now)... am I being ridiculously unreasonable?

Should I jusy be greatful of the help? Or glad she is sharing these things with the granddaughter she loves? I've talked to my DH but he just won't say a bad word to his mother. If I am BU, how do I stop myself feeling so upset? Did anyone else have experience with this and did you feel like you were BU?

I do want to be realistic but please go a little easy as this is something that is really getting to me, even if it shouldn't.

OP posts:
Veterinari · 13/04/2018 07:45

So your MIL cares for your DC one day a week but started weaning without discussing it with you? Why on earth didn’t you say anything at the time? She sounds overbearing and unsupportive re:BF too.

You need to have clear communication moving forward and as pp have said, be careful with the sugar!

Notso · 13/04/2018 07:45

Maybe she doesn't realise these firsts are important to you. In the nicest way possible I don't really think many people think baby's first fruit pouch as a milestone.

mydietstartsmonday · 13/04/2018 07:47

Do you not think you are being slightly precious about it all.
Your daughter is loved and cared for while you are away, surely what should make you happy is that someone is looking after your child as well as you.

If you don’t agree with something then tell her to stop but if it is 1/2 a banana then it is not really a crime is it.
Unfortunately you can’t help your feelings but pick your battles. Relish that your daughter is happy and is forging a good relationship with her grandmother.

Laiste · 13/04/2018 07:49

If you're looking after a child one day out of 7, how hard is it to think -
'i won't do x, y, z new thing without asking the mum if it's ok first'?

Or to think -
'you know, i bet my daughter, my daughter in law, or my SON perhaps might like to be there the first time their child does x, y z, so i wont instigate it on the only day i have their child'.

Weather these milestones were important to you with your DC or not, they might be to someone else. It's not our or anyone else's place to decide it's not important.

Nanny0gg · 13/04/2018 07:49

Why is your baby drinking juice? Not necessary at all. Otherwise if they're ready for certain foods you do it on the 6 other days Mil doesn't have them.

Aethelthryth · 13/04/2018 07:50

You're being very precious. She's helping you out. So long as she's not feeding your child anything actively harmful you should be grateful. "Feeding milestones" is a daft concept. If your child is with MIL one day a week there is a good chance that she will take her first steps or say her first words with her too; and that will not be MIL's fault

Laiste · 13/04/2018 07:51

I agree with pp's that it sounds as if she's not guiding your DD down a very healthy path anyway. I'd ask her to stop giving 'juice' ect and send the food you want DD to have with her. Which would help with MIL making decisions about adding foods to her diet without running it past you.

Pengggwn · 13/04/2018 07:51

Marriedwithchildren5

Well, yes, you can say whatever you want. I mean and remain reasonable.

I agree about the juice/age appropriate food. But the OP's concerns don't seem to be about that.

Nanny0gg · 13/04/2018 07:52

In laws need boundaries

Really? Guidance as to preferences yes. Boundaries? Not so much.

RedSkyAtNight · 13/04/2018 08:00

Does she realise these things are important to you? It wouldn't occur to me that, say the first time my DC had banana was a particular milestone. Does MIL even realise it is a "first"?

I'd suggest simply providing food for the day and asking her to feed that.

And BTW please don't dismiss MIL as "not exactly helpful" - she is providing childcare once a week, which you freely admit you could not manage without - please don't take if for granted.

pastabest · 13/04/2018 08:03

I completely get where you are coming from (my DM gave my DC1 her first solid food without asking me - chocolate cake!!) but in all honesty having now been through weaning with DC1 I would gladly hand it over to someone else to do with DC2.

I don't think this is really about food though I think it's that you generally feel undermined by MIL and that's what needs to be addressed rather than the food specifically.

To a certain extent though, providing what she is doing isn't causing any harm, and given that you don't have a choice but to accept her help at the moment I would try and feel more in control about it all by trying not to care. There's probably a bit of unspoken power play going on and the less you visibly care about the things she is doing the less likely it is that she is going to try and make it some kind of competition to 'collect' all of the firsts.

I've seen on mumsnet a lot that most nursery workers and childminders say that they never 'see' any firsts because they know how upsetting that can be for parents when they miss them. I wonder if you could have that conversation in reverse with MIL even possibly making out that it's your DH that is sad he is missing stuff and could she possibly use some discretion if milestones happen when she is in charge so that you get to experience some of them. She might not be as desperate to make sure the firsts happen on her watch if she can't then brag about them afterwards.

Good luck!

PotteringAlong · 13/04/2018 08:06

as she hasn't exactly been helpful anywhere in our marriage or parenthood

She’s saving you thousands of pounds by providing free childcare. You and I have a very different idea of helpful...

M0reGinPlease · 13/04/2018 08:09

I would be more inclined to talk to her about giving a nine month old fruit pouches, handheld snacks and juice.
*
Pretty much full of sugar.
*
^ this exactly. A nine month old really does not need juice. Other than that I'm afraid I think you need to suck it up. She's looking after your child for free.

GnotherGnu · 13/04/2018 08:10

I don’t understand why you can’t do the “first” the day before (metaphorically) MIL does them.

Presumably because she doesn't know MIL is going to do it?

BanyanTree · 13/04/2018 08:10

One of the things I will always be grateful for is when I had my DC I was on the other side of the world to my controlling MIL.

If I were you I would be taking food to MILs house and telling her this is what DC is having for lunch and to drink. Take back control. Juice and high sugar content products are not good for your 9 month old. Is your MIL going to step up and deal with it when you have a 6 years old needing teeth removed? I actually know a couple fo 6 year olds who have had to do this.

Ragwort · 13/04/2018 08:13

Honestly, you are being incredibly PFB about this, you will look back in a few years time and cringe at the memories of this Grin.

In the scheme of things, does it really matter who gives your child her first banana?

Babdoc · 13/04/2018 08:24

I do sympathise. My dd1 took her first steps at the childminder while I was at work. The childminder’s husband told her not to tell me, so I would have the chance to see it myself at home - bless him, amazing emotional intelligence for a bloke - but the childminder couldn’t resist telling me. I was a bit upset - like you, I wanted to have the “milestones”.
But then my own DH died before dd2 either walked or talked (she was only 11 months). That put the whole thing in perspective. I’m now just grateful to have my dds. Milestones aren’t really all that important are they.

ItsThisOneThing · 13/04/2018 08:25

Do you leave food for baby for the day? My two are with grandparents 2 days per week and I leave them a packed lunch with everything they are to have for the day. My youngest is 10 months and they wouldn't give her anything other than what I leave for her (they would give my 4-year old something else though which is fine)

BubblesAndSquarks · 13/04/2018 08:30

I wouldn't be happy, but I know I'm quite over protective and like to do things a certain way with the DC as babies, and so don't have anyone else look after them at that age.

FWIW I wouldn't be happy about the juice, DD2 happily drank water until about 15 months, then got hold of DD1s juice and won't go near water since!
I will be trying to keep DC3 on just water as long as possible. But things like that you can decide if you're the only one looking after them, not so much if someone else is as you can't expect them to know what they have/haven't had yet for every item of food or drink.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/04/2018 08:33

If you don't want your baby having pouches then I think it's your right to say so but I think it's a bit precious to be upset about food that you would feed her. MIL is helping you and your DH out by providing free childcare once a week and no doubt only has your DC's best interest at heart.

Helmetbymidnight · 13/04/2018 08:37

'you know, i bet my daughter, my daughter in law, or my SON perhaps might like to be there the first time their child does x, y z, so i wont instigate it on the only day i have their child'.

Genuinely had never ever heard of foodstuffs as milestones before.

Every days an education on here.

Helmetbymidnight · 13/04/2018 08:38

If each separate food your child tried was a milestone for you, when did that stop?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/04/2018 08:43

It's quite possible that a baby being looked after by someone else while their parents work will reach some sort of milestone in their care. First step, first words, the list is endless. It doesn't mean anything really. It's not like the parents aren't going to see it for themselves.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 13/04/2018 08:43

Did she start solids without your/dh's permission? Shock I didn't even realise that "food milestones' were a thing. Maybe MIL didn't either. Apart from solids obviously. What's significant about fruit pouches? It's just puréed fruit. Were you not doing purées maybe?

Spam88 · 13/04/2018 08:46

I'm not entirely clear from your OP what's happened - did your MIL start weaning before you did? If so that's completely outrageous and I would be so angry. If you just mean she's giving new foods that you haven't given yet, then you are being unreasonable I'm afraid. I don't think anyone else would consider those milestones... how is she even supposed to know what foods she's 'allowed' to give? The only thing that would annoy me is if she gave chocolate or cake for the first time, but that's because I don't want my baby eating sugar-filled crap.

If MIL is providing food then just make sure she knows about restrictions on what baby can eat and salt limits etc. Get her to stop the juice - they don't need anything other than milk and water. I'd also stop the fruit pouches personally, dreadful for their teeth, but plenty of people give them so that's up to you.