MIL and feeding milestones

[losingitovermilestones]

NC and may have to bump in the morning as it's late. Not sure what I'm expecting to get out of this besides a massive angry rant but that will do me for now.

My MIL does a days childcare a week for me so I can work. Please no "just pay for childcare" comments- I can't afford it and I can't afford not to work. So yes, I know I should just be grateful and not whinge about what's coming next, but: she's stealing all of my feeding milestones.

She is only with my 9 month old DD a few hours once a week and has already introduced her to solid food, fruit pouches, handheld snacks and juice before I have had a chance. And I feel like I'm missing out on all my 'firsts'. DD is my first baby and I also couldn't BF. I exclusively pumped for months so I feel like I really cling to these feeding milestones as my little achievements.

I think I am also bitter because, when she used to see me struggling to latch, she would say really unhelpful things like "Well it's so much easier for me to feed her now" because all of my milk was bottled. She once even took DD out of my arms when I was trying to latch her at just a few weeks old, because she wanted to cuddle her!

I think my annoyance of her introducing all of these new things stems from more (as she hasn't exactly been helpful anywhere in our marriage or parenthood) but, before I go ahead and ask her to stop giving my DD something new every week (not that there's anything new left now)... am I being ridiculously unreasonable?

Should I jusy be greatful of the help? Or glad she is sharing these things with the granddaughter she loves? I've talked to my DH but he just won't say a bad word to his mother. If I am BU, how do I stop myself feeling so upset? Did anyone else have experience with this and did you feel like you were BU?

I do want to be realistic but please go a little easy as this is something that is really getting to me, even if it shouldn't.

Honestly and with kindness, i think if you ask your mil to stop giving your dd new things to eat because it’s stepping on your toes, she’s going to think you’re being difficult and precious when she’s actually doing you a favour. Do you really expect her to check with you before trying every foodstuff in case you wanted to introduce it yourself? Seriously?
Food milestones isn’t a thing as far as I’m aware, although I can appreciate it feels like a thing for you.
This is not a battle worth launching imo. Just be glad she’s loved and looked after for free and get your mummy kicks another way.

I can understand why you're upset, but I think missing 'milestones' is what happens with parents that need to work. DH missed pretty much all our DC's milestones, including the good stuff like first words and steps. Unfortunately if you need her to look after your child then you're going to have to get your head around the fact that this is going to happen. I didn't need childcare thank goodness, because both my DM and MIL seemed to think it was a competition to see who DS1 would interact with first! Both of them would say, 'well he does it for me' if DS would refuse food, etc. Which was most unhelpful! And MIL's OH (not FIL) would actually grab DS from my arms without asking - he did it once in front of the midwife and she gave him such a telling off! He was livid!

It's thoughtless and innocent or it's undermining and territorial. Only you know which one based on her personality.
But what I don't understand is posters saying...because you have free child care you have to suck it up.

Do you not think the Mil loves this? Adores she it, in heaven? Or is slogging away at the coal face?

Put it this way...if my mil or smil who did sometimes look after my babies, said to me, “I gave her her first taste of banana today.”, or “I tried one of those fruit pouches at lunchtime.”, or whatever...I wouldn’t have given a toss.
It’s a strange thing to get territorial about in my opinion.

Hi op I am sorry but new food isn’t a milestone really. Crawling walking etc is but fruit pouches meh.

I too have my dgs but 2 days a week and I adore my dil and have let her discover milestones of course I have but we tried all sorts of food. Not an issue.

Be very careful op. I adore having my dgs but it’s obvioudly hard work as well as loveky and I don’t have to and neither does your mil. I would keep it to yourself. Before you know where you are your child will be in school and all this will be in the past.

Sounds like she's doing it intentionally. Have a proper word.

Also no nine month old needs juice of any form, I would be totally firm about that, that's not ok for her to give them.

And to look at it another way, if I was childminding so my child and his or her spouse could both work, and my sil or dil came to me complaining because I’d given their baby a banana or a piece of crusty bread to chew on without asking their permission, I’d say, “I love (grandchild) but this is too much like hard work. I’m not your employee and I won’t be huffed at for giving him a banana. Find someone else you can boss around.”

And I’d mean it. Honestly...how self-important is the concept of ‘food milestones’ - it’s making problems where there are non.
Sorry but it bloody is.

OP had you started weaning yourself before MIL introduced those foods to your baby?

Basil

Er she’s doing the op a massive favour she’s not an employee. If my ds/dil started being ‘totally firm’ on such a petty ridiculous matter as a fruit pouch one day a week afraid I would suggest they pay nursery fees.

Exactly pictish

I get it completely, you want to do those milestones and it's hard to know someone is doing them. It's made worse by some previous history.

I'm a SAHM and when my mum babysat around the times my boys were starting to roll over I was terrified that I was going to miss it. Then I realised I just wouldn't count it if I didn't see it. If you can wrap your head around that idea I highly suggest trying it.

Weaning is currently the hardest thing I've done as a parent. I even considered putting the boys in nursery so they could deal with the weaning and just tell me what to do.

I would see it as your Mil is doing the hard work of trying your LO with food so when you feed her you can enjoy it a little more knowing what's already been done.

Hi thanks everyone for the helpful comments- to answer a few questions I hadn't started to wean her myself so didn't have anything in the house. MIL comes here to make things easier for me (which I am very grateful for) but obviously buys things before she gets here because I find the empty wrappers when I get home, or she tells me how much DD has enjoyed them. She fed her a whole bag of puffs one day and DD ended up with awful constipation as she hasn't had anything like that before.

I need the childcare, I don't want to work but we need the money so yes, I am grateful. No, she is not an employee. I didn't provide any background in the OP as I wanted advice on just this issue, but yes I know she is being deliberate.

She barely speaks to me at family events, sometimes openly blanks me which even my DH notices and knows. She makes little moves that imply a power struggle I suppose: just an example on Christmas I invited her and her partner over to share DDs first Christmas with us and on the day she invited her partners children who we had never met without asking.

She also calls herself "mummy" to my DD when she thinks no one can hear her. "Mummy loves you/you are my baby" etc. So yes these things have been less than helpful.

And, they are milestones for me. I appreciate that may be insane to many of you but what can I say, it matters to me. All I ever wanted was to be a mother so yes, I am precious. But your responses have been helpful, thank you.

Stop being such a pushover op. I don't care if MIL is giving 100 hours of free childcare a week, starting to wean your baby without permission/discussion (which is what it sounds like) is fucking outrageous. I'd hit the roof.

I also wouldn't want my 10 month old being fed fruit pouches at all, or being given juice - so the first time they were I would have had spoken to MIL and asked her not to give them.

She calls herself mummy? Well that needs addressing for a start.

Sounds like there's a huge underlying problem going on here OP. If you're going to stick with her for childcare the first thing you should do is give her a list of the food you don't want your baby to eat.

You need to talk to her instead of building up this feeling of resentment.

secret I hear you, I really do. But, it's a struggle to get DH to take 'my side' if that makes sense, so any conflict at all puts a strain on our marriage.

The whole bag of puffs (cheesy puffs for babies) and calling herself mummy is weird. Could you provide the food for the day to make it easier for her? As your child gets older she is with you more so your influence is greater if that helps? So refer to your MIL as Grandma or Nana the whole time and your daughter will though you may need to say something to your MIL about not confusing your child.
It doesn’t sound a particularly healthy diet from your MIL if it includes juice -big no no from my dentist.

She has her for one day a week and has done all of this already? Stop being a push over. Get your husband to do this share of childcare if you can’t afford to pay and push this woman out.

By focussing on the 'food milestones', you're avoiding the real problem - your mil is crazy.

You were in your rights to be upset about those milestones. My mil did the same, but chose the very first day I entrusted DS1 to her care when I left him with her for four hours with clear instructions to feed him only the bottles I'd prepared and nothing else but certainly not those Farley's rusks she'd been trying to push on us.kid was three months old. I come back to see her shoving the damned rusks into him claiming he seemed ready to be weaned. I was livid and never left him with her again. It was a double challenge from her, 1 about who had the power and 2 who had the better knowledge about rearing babies.

I totally understand your reaction and think you should make your feelings clear now to avoid further aggro. Those milestones do stay with you, and when they are stolen the niggles of annoyance last decades, believe me!

Bit of a drip feed there OP, your MIL is clearly a bit bonkers. I think you need to find alternative childcare. You made it sound quite trivial in your OP hence I think you got the replies you've been getting bit calling herself Mummy? Jesus. Creepy and weird. What does your DH think?

Helmet 😂 that made me laugh! So as you know, there is more to it that's influencing my thoughts on the little things. My annoyance is obviously manifesting itself in trying to salvage what control I do/should have.

There is a lot of history with his family- they are very overpowering and, though I am not a pushover, I am tactful. I love my DH, he loves me, but he would rather see me upset than anyone in his family and yes, that is the issue. The way I see it now is that I am his family, with our DD.

Both his mother and sister are very controlling and he is not breaking that tie. When I was pregnant I had the most awful HG, his sister invited him out drinking for her birthday and I begged him not to go- he told me I'm not getting in the way of his family and went out all night. The next day I was admitted to hospital with severe dehydration and 4+ ketones as I was 5 days into starvation. I was so unwell and in hospital for over a week- he felt awful but nothing changed.

But I don't want this to be about him- no one is perfect and he has his reasons for being so close to them which I appreciate, but it always comes at the expense of my feelings.

I am trying to be diplomatic, avoid family rows, maintain healthy communication in our marriage and be a good example to my daughter whilst also trying to enjoy motherhood. Some of you say bite your tongue, some of you say I need to say something and I agree with all of it. The problem is finding a way to do it all, and I believe it starts with my DH. I need to have him backing me, I need his undivided support.

With that I will find it easier to deal with the way my MIL is. What does make it trickier is that she is very quiet and sweet, very innocent and would just play it off as absent mindedly 'not thinking'. So it's hard to get me DH to see what I'm seeing and feeling. But I do know that it is deliberate.

In all of this I also need to maintain the lovely relationship between her and my DD. I was very close to my GM and I wouldn't jeopardise that for either of them. But I really have found the comments on here so helpful as it is interesting to see what other's would do. So thank you

Giving a kid rusks when he's supposed to only be on bottles is horrible/nasty but phrasing it as 'missing a child's first milestone' is so weird.

They do sound awful op

And yes I deliberately drip fed as I wanted honest answers to the issue at hand, without the background clouding judgement as it obviously has done mine.