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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and feeding milestones

102 replies

losingitovermilestones · 13/04/2018 01:15

NC and may have to bump in the morning as it's late. Not sure what I'm expecting to get out of this besides a massive angry rant but that will do me for now.

My MIL does a days childcare a week for me so I can work. Please no "just pay for childcare" comments- I can't afford it and I can't afford not to work. So yes, I know I should just be grateful and not whinge about what's coming next, but: she's stealing all of my feeding milestones.

She is only with my 9 month old DD a few hours once a week and has already introduced her to solid food, fruit pouches, handheld snacks and juice before I have had a chance. And I feel like I'm missing out on all my 'firsts'. DD is my first baby and I also couldn't BF. I exclusively pumped for months so I feel like I really cling to these feeding milestones as my little achievements.

I think I am also bitter because, when she used to see me struggling to latch, she would say really unhelpful things like "Well it's so much easier for me to feed her now" because all of my milk was bottled. She once even took DD out of my arms when I was trying to latch her at just a few weeks old, because she wanted to cuddle her!

I think my annoyance of her introducing all of these new things stems from more (as she hasn't exactly been helpful anywhere in our marriage or parenthood) but, before I go ahead and ask her to stop giving my DD something new every week (not that there's anything new left now)... am I being ridiculously unreasonable?

Should I jusy be greatful of the help? Or glad she is sharing these things with the granddaughter she loves? I've talked to my DH but he just won't say a bad word to his mother. If I am BU, how do I stop myself feeling so upset? Did anyone else have experience with this and did you feel like you were BU?

I do want to be realistic but please go a little easy as this is something that is really getting to me, even if it shouldn't.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/04/2018 11:18

Now you've drip fed though you're only ever going to get replies that you should immediately find alternative childcare and go NC with the witch.

CallingDannyBoy · 13/04/2018 11:22

It sounds worse the more you post. It is about him if he won’t stick up for you. The birthday outing is awful - telling you that you aren’t getting in the way of his family! Couldn’t there have been a compromise in there at all given your condition? I would have been pissed off at being left but more importantly my DH would have put me and his child first in that situation.

Just because you had a great relationship with your GM doesn’t mean it will happen for your DD especially if she is controlling and blanking you. It may not be a good thing for her or you.

pastabest · 13/04/2018 11:36

My original advice still stands even post 'drip feed' (although I don't consider it a drip feed as I felt it was quite clear from reading between the lines of your first post that there was power struggle going on Grin).

The best way to deal with it given you feel you have more alternative childcare choices is to (appear) not to care. She knows she getting to you that's why she is doing it to an extent.

So what if she calls herself mummy. Your child knows you are mummy, and isn't going to start getting confused by once a week contact. If she continues as they get older then she's just going to look silly. Let her.

Big showdowns don't work with people like this. They sulk, get upset and you get made out to be the bad guy.

I know you don't want to bring DH in to it but ultimately you are saying he would rather upset you than his family and that's where the problem is. MIL knows she can get away with this shit because he will always take her side.

pastabest · 13/04/2018 11:36
  • no alternative childcare choices
Original poster
losingitovermilestones · 13/04/2018 11:50

pasta nail on the head! As a 'gift' she bought us all a week in Butlins when the baby was 3 months old. I really didn't want to go but DH said I was being horrible and made no effort with his family, so we went. The baby screamed all week and we were horribly sleep deprived. As the only couple in the party (of 9) with a baby, the rest saw it as a piss up and were up all night drinking and playing loud music in the apartment while I cried into my pillow. DH would not take us home and risk upsetting his mother.

When I begged to leave he shouted "you hate my mum and you're giving me anxiety". But the thing is, I know for a fact if he had said anything she would have done her sweet, innocent surprised face and said "oh my goodness, all I wanted to do was buy you a lovely holiday as a gift and spend time with you". So I know why he can't see what I see.

I am actually seeing how bad this has been between us and I think a session or two at Relate might help us to move our communication to a level where it does some good. He says he puts me first, but his actions speak louder

OP posts:
SaucyJane · 13/04/2018 11:57

Honestly - weaning and feeding in general are pretty awful. By the time your lovely DD is a toddler who spits out your lovingly homemade food to demand crappy snacks, you'll be begging the man in the street to feed her for you!! I know that will sound like bollocks to you now, but believe me, it's not Smile.

However if your MIL is feeding her things you're not happy with, then I think you'll have to say something. If you're generally happy nutritionally, for as long as you need her help, I think you just have to suck it up Flowers because your DD needs sensible food when your MIL is looking after her.

I completely agree with your own analysis that you're focusing on this because it's easier than the bigger problem. Sorry your DP won't stand up for you a bit where his family are concerned.

CecilyP · 13/04/2018 12:15

From your first post, I thought YWBVU and extremely precious and was wondering when 'food milestones' started to be a thing. I was going to ask if you provided a comprehensive list of what your DD had eaten and asked your MIL not to give her anything different.

Now you have provided more info, I see that she is clearly overstepping the mark. The one milestone she has taken is giving your DD her first solids. I think instead of concentrating on food milestones, you should be clear on the things that you absolutely do not want your baby to eat. Have the support of the health visitor and medical and dental advice as well. Surely, your DH should back you up regarding that, even if he doesn't put you first, he should put his DD first. I mean, who would give a baby a whole bag of puffs - the salt content must be damagingly high.

Beyond that, I agree with pasta and try not to show you care too much. Also, just because you had a lovely relationship with your gran, doesn't mean your DD will with hers, so don't expect it. If your MIL is a difficult woman, your DD will soon realise this.

pictish · 13/04/2018 12:27

Massive drip feed.
This is not about ‘feeding milestones’.

Original poster
losingitovermilestones · 13/04/2018 12:32

pictish yep see previous posts regarding intentional drip feed, reasons as to why and acknowledgement of bigger issues.

OP posts:
pictish · 13/04/2018 12:37

I saw it. I can appreciate where you’re coming from but I find deliberate drip feeding disingenuous. You’re inviting people to give an honest opinion and when you don’t like what they say, it’s ‘well you’re wrong, because...”
It’s a waste of my time.

Original poster
losingitovermilestones · 13/04/2018 12:42

I haven't called anyone wrong- I've gratefully received the honest replies. Then agreed with posters who have rightfully recognised a power struggle. I needed answers on whether to directly address MIL with the matter of her feeding DD, and learned that I need to establish a better understanding from my DH so as to deal with this without putting pressure on our marriage.

Not being disingenuous, you don't have to comment and 'waste your time'. You haven't provided anything helpful anyway

OP posts:
pictish · 13/04/2018 12:44

No because I didn’t agree with you that you should be pulling rank over a sodding fruit pouch.

MiaowTheCat · 13/04/2018 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wheelerdeeler · 13/04/2018 12:53

Grow a backbone. Stand up for your daughter. Why the hell didn't you leave that holiday with your daughter???

Stand up for your 10 month old who can't. Juice at 10 months and you are letting it happen.

Original poster
losingitovermilestones · 13/04/2018 13:06

God, that got nasty. wheeler I can't drive. I have only been back at work 2 weeks and yesterday was the first juice incident! I don't intend to 'let it happen' hence- this entire thread!

Well I've explained myself as best I can- I get the feeling from now on that I'll either be a spineless doormat or a precious princess!

OP posts:
mydogmymate · 13/04/2018 13:15

That was nasty wheeler, no need for that.

I get the impression op that you're being bullied by your in laws. Do you have any family of your own you can turn to? How about childcare vouchers if you're on a low income? That way she can go to a nursery while you work and they'll follow your wishes to the letter. You need to also get your dp to understand that you come first now. I know it's difficult when you feel like you're being ganged up on and I've been in the same position. No real advice, but just a hand hold really. Good luck Thanks

eggcellent · 13/04/2018 13:18

This sounds really hard, especially with the lack of support from your DH. He should be dealing with bad behaviour from his family, so I think you need to have a firm word with him and say that he has to take your side or you'll leave. He should not tolerate her ignoring you or going behind your back with the baby. Also the mummy thing is creepy.

BasilThirty · 13/04/2018 13:18

If your husband is putting his parents and siblings ahead of his wife and daughter, he's a shit dad and a shit partner.
Leaving you suffering horribly with HG is awful and forcing you to stay on that holiday is too.

I would have a serious conversation with him about how his own family, being you and your child, need to come first or I would have a real think about ending things. This either gets better or it gets worse.
His mother is doing all these nutjob things because he is allowing her to get away with it. It is HIS job to put her in her place.

lynmilne65 · 13/04/2018 14:09

pictish GrinGrinGrin

finova · 13/04/2018 14:33

If it’s just one day a week, I’d look for a childminder. It would likely be about £4 an hour, so maybe £36 for 9 hours, but only about £30 if you could use vouchers.
Could you reduce your food bill?

finova · 13/04/2018 14:35

I get the drip feed btw, and don’t see why other posters are being stroppy about it.

cadburyegg · 13/04/2018 14:39

My mil looked after DS1 1 day a week for 18 months, and whilst she messed us around before eventually deciding not to do it anymore, it was f-ing liberating when he went to nursery instead. I don’t have to worry that he’s eating chocolate buttons in front of the tv all day to save our purse strings.

Sorry op. Make alternative arrangements. Relationships with grandparents are overrated if the grandparent is toxic and won’t do as the parents ask.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/04/2018 14:48

Sounds like you did your MIL a favour CadburyEgg.

SecretBum · 13/04/2018 15:03

You've only been back in work two weeks and your dc is 9 months - yet your MIL gave the first solids during childcare?

9 months is really late to start weaning so I'm maybe a little more on your MILs side here. Was dc only having milk until 2 weeks ago?

Original poster
losingitovermilestones · 13/04/2018 17:58

pictish
This is not about ‘feeding milestones’.
Followed by
pulling rank over a sodding fruit pouch
Which one is it?

I know this is in AIBU but do people really have to be like this? Mumsnet can be helpful and informative without tearing you a new one!

secret I said juice was yesterday! She has given solids way before now when she has asked to have time with DD. If it helps with context- she asked to do one day a week! She's also asked to have her overnight once a week and I said no so we haven't forced her to help.

Thanks so much for the handhold mydog and to everyone who has commented I am very grateful of the advice.

OP posts:
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