To put my career before my child

[Madisonthecat]

Before I get started I’ll start by saying I think I am but really need some advice from the wise women (and men) of Mumsnet.

Currently not working and have been offered two roles which is fantastic, know I’m really lucky.

Role 1 - three days a week, 9-5, public sector job. Pretty straightforward and could do it reasonably comfortably in the time allowed with little requirement for overtime I think.

Role 2 - amazing opportunity, great pay (£15,000 more than role 1) and amazing benefits. BUT.... it’s full time only, will probably require lots of overtime, travel and be pretty stressful day in day out. It’s a sector I love and would really enjoy getting back into.

What do I do? I would love to do role 2 and if I was childless would take it in a heartbeat. But I have a 3 year old and a partner who works long hours in a demanding role too and can’t help feeling that it’s really not in the best interests of my child to take it. My partner will do a few things around the house (cooking) but I definitely do the lions share of housework and 95% of childcare currently. My previous role after mat leave was 3 days a week and worked well for us as a family as I was happy to pick up the slack. We have no family support at all.

This time I guess I feel conflicted because it’s basically a dream job and I feel sad that as a Mum it feels seems you’re forced to choose between a varied, interesting and well rewarded career or putting your children first and taking something less challenging and with less pay but providing a much better work/life balance.

I will miss my child hugely if I take role 2 as it’s also a fairly long commute (1 hour each way) and would have to accept hardly seeing them on weeekdays. What would you do??

Btw I’ve put this in AIBU as I’m after quick responses. Need to confirm either way tomorrow. Help!

She’s questioning because women are socially conditioned to give things up when they have kids

I don't necessarily agree.

No one was more gung ho than me about career. I was brought up to prioritise that above everything. I totally bought into it, worked long and hard in my 20s. Fantasised about running a company while also having kids.

After having my DS my perspective shifted significantly. I know want to achieve a balance rather than dizzy career heights. Not that I want to give up you understand, but I'm no longer so interested in climbing.

I'm not saying that my experience is universal, but for me it's not about what I was conditioned to believe important.

I don't see my time as a SAHM as giving up - quite the opposite.
My OH got the short straw.

Angry feminists.....posts like that make me angry.

Yes I expect equality in my relationship. We both decided to have children so we shall parent them equally. I expect my DH to treat my job as important as his, even thought at the moment I earn less - careers aren't solely judged on salary. And yes I do think its unfair that (some) women are expected to make sacrifices where as their partners get to carry on as though nothing has changed.

If that makes me an angry feminist then bring it on!

Kinda crazy on the politicswell that minimises it all neatly. some crazy politics
Do you read about gender pay gap in the press?you see that’s related to crazy on the politics
How our daughters progress financially,socially,and in their employment that’s kinda crazy on the politics
It is all political, can you see that?

@duckponds, I don't pretend to think the op should take one job over another - but what SHOULD be happening is that her partner acts like an actual equal partner, so she can make the decision without having to worry about the poor diddums missing a meeting or her doing 95% of the childcare.

That's utterly unreasonable, I'm sure we can all agree on that?

They will remember the £5k fireworks you paid for on the wedding day. I know I do.

And that is something to aspire to?

Your child should be more important to you than money

I think that's a really shitty thing to reply, really low. You presumably don't have the same critical view of fulltime career men, so why post sexist shite like that in response to the OP? Either condem everyone who works fulltime (like, you know, rubbish collectors do, doctors do, teachers do, all the people who make YOUR family's life run) or back off posting nonsensical emotional claptrap like this!

I would go for job two. You may end up resenting your partner if you forego your dreams. He needs to prioritise his parental role just as much as you do. I lived in other countries where most mothers work full-time and get to fulfil their own needs too. My mother worked full time in her dream career and I reckon it made her relationship with my father stronger because she did not have to sacrifice her chances. I cherished the quality time together with a happy fulfilled woman and great role model. My best friend’s mother was around all the time and seething with resentment. Her daughter, my friend tried to spend all her time over at mine.

@seaeaglefeather both me and my DH work full time - out of choice not necessity. I was offered p/t but pushed for f/t.

I find your comments incredibly judgemental but I'll file them alongside those made by other judgemental women who felt the need to tell me how awful it was that I had to work full time but never once said that to my DH who happens to work for the same company

Shaking a maraca at monkey music?100% attendance at school gate is that something to aspire to

I’d suggest seperating the decision from principes and think of it personally. One day you will be on your deathbed, and will look back over your life.
Which decision do you think you would be more likely to regret?
Which choice will you feel proudest of?
What are the potential costs vs benefits of each choice, and to whom?
Consider that you could get a second chance at one, but not the other,

(Fwiw I am childfree by choice, but in your shoes, would choose 1).

As Rebecca West said, ‘I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat.’

If there’s a rollcall of Mn Angry Feminists, sign me up.

I agree with laurie partially - we both ft in jobs requiring travel and long hours, dp earns a lot more though, we’ve had nannies, babysitters, we’ve missed a lot of time with our kids. Both of us feel we’d cut back a bit more tbh but of course it’s easier for me as the I’ve done less travelling and earn less, so less money to give up.

That said, can you keep searching for a job that is ft but doesn’t require lots of travel and overtime?

Does is there no middle ground between part time dull job and the overtime/crazy travel option?

You want to find a version of job 2 that doesn’t sound like it’ll burn you out and make you frazzled.

Ahh the deathbed analogy
I’ll look back on a career, career I loved, the challenges & rewards of career
I’ll look back on kids,my partner, my friends and family
And no I’ll not wistfully reminisce wish I’d gone to soft play more,had more play dates
Ever

angry feminists

You know what makes feminists (as in, people who believe in gender equality- you know, most reasonable people) frustrated?

People who suggest that mothers belong at home with the children, not at work, and fathers belong at work, not with the children.

Mothers ARE NOT fundamentally more important to children once breastfeeding is over- sorry if that disappoints you. They become more important to children only because they are the ones at home while the father is out working. That contributes to women then working part time jobs, progressing less, and basically giving up careers. That's absolutely fine if that is the choice they wish to make- I have no issue with it. I do take issue with people suggesting that is the choice they should make.

Why do some people struggle to accept that fathers can be equally as significant in bringing up children, and women can be equally significant in the workforce? It is personal choice. Don't project your idea that mummy must be at home onto other families.

I’m still waiting on the roll call of whom on this thread made it onto the angry feminist list
I better have fuckin made that list

After having my DS my perspective shifted significantly. I know want to achieve a balance rather than dizzy career heights.

Absolutely. I would fight tooth and nail to ensure that a woman should be able to do what they value (rather than what society rewards in money or prestige), whether that be FT SAHM, PT work or FT work in whatever job. What makes me sad about this thread is that it feels as if the OP feels she can't do - or even explore doing - what she values, because both she and her OH have placed such a high value on her OH's job.

You can't afford a nanny, but would an au pair be a solution in conjunction with the nursery? Because you will need far more flexible childcare if you want to avoid being torn in two, juggling a demanding job and child.

And as a word of warning, everyone I know found it much harder the first year their child went to school compared to nurseries. The shorter school days, less flexible before and after school clubs (if they're available at all - very school dependant). So don't think things will miraculously become easier in a year or two. It will actually be easier to try to juggle this now and see how it works.

"kind of crazy on the politics" that's one way of putting it. I do despair sometimes.

Of course OP should choose whichever job she wants to but the fact that it even crossed her mind to ask the question in the first place is why the "politics" is important. Relationships should be a partnership. If they are not and women get lumbered with the burden of 95% of the childcare, most of the housework and then having to find a job that fits around those things then there will always be a gender pay gap, women will always be undervalued compared to men and opportunities for our daughters will never be equal to those of our sons. Surely everyone agrees that would be pretty shit?

@lipstick I think I love you.
Sign me up to the angry feminist club any day of the week

Id absolutely say to a man what i said. I really can't wrap my head around anyone thinking the best thing for a 3 month old is full time childcare.

That's absolutely fine if that is the choice they wish to make- I have no issue with it. I do take issue with people suggesting that is the choice they should make.

^ This. I was a SAHM, because it was a choice I wished to make. I work full time, because it was a choice I wished to make. I changed career, because i didn't value the industry I was in having had children. If someone said I SHOULD do / not do any of those things, I would have been - have been - very angry

Lipstick I'm pretty sure you're in. Fingers crossed I've also made the cut!

@ladylancelot it might not be the best thing for you or your child but you can't speak for others.

Both parents working long hours isn't fair on the child.

Doesnt necessarily mean you need to make all the sacrifices, you need to have a long chat with your dh and see how it could work for both of you. Remember when your child starts school with shorter hours than nursery, homework and other school things it gets harder rather than easier.

Cleaners, ironing service, window cleaners, gardeners etc can all reduce the mundane tasks significantly, and you and your dh can work from home at night, but it doesnt solve the problem of mornings and those few hours a parent should spend with their dc between school/aftercare and bedtime.

Is there flexible working in role 2. What would you do when either of you are travelling, what about when your dc is unwell and off nursery /school.

Whatever you and your dhs decision is, it should be mutally agreed to the benefit of both of you, but mostly for the next few years what your dc needs.