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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put my career before my child

954 replies

Madisonthecat · 12/04/2018 21:30

Before I get started I’ll start by saying I think I am but really need some advice from the wise women (and men) of Mumsnet.

Currently not working and have been offered two roles which is fantastic, know I’m really lucky.

Role 1 - three days a week, 9-5, public sector job. Pretty straightforward and could do it reasonably comfortably in the time allowed with little requirement for overtime I think.

Role 2 - amazing opportunity, great pay (£15,000 more than role 1) and amazing benefits. BUT.... it’s full time only, will probably require lots of overtime, travel and be pretty stressful day in day out. It’s a sector I love and would really enjoy getting back into.

What do I do? I would love to do role 2 and if I was childless would take it in a heartbeat. But I have a 3 year old and a partner who works long hours in a demanding role too and can’t help feeling that it’s really not in the best interests of my child to take it. My partner will do a few things around the house (cooking) but I definitely do the lions share of housework and 95% of childcare currently. My previous role after mat leave was 3 days a week and worked well for us as a family as I was happy to pick up the slack. We have no family support at all.

This time I guess I feel conflicted because it’s basically a dream job and I feel sad that as a Mum it feels seems you’re forced to choose between a varied, interesting and well rewarded career or putting your children first and taking something less challenging and with less pay but providing a much better work/life balance.

I will miss my child hugely if I take role 2 as it’s also a fairly long commute (1 hour each way) and would have to accept hardly seeing them on weeekdays. What would you do??

Btw I’ve put this in AIBU as I’m after quick responses. Need to confirm either way tomorrow. Help!

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 12/04/2018 22:57

She’s questioning because women are socially conditioned to give things up when they have kids
Look at the op loaded & pejorative language To put my career before my child
Speaks volumes of social conditioning & societal expectations

SeaEagleFeather · 12/04/2018 22:57

I will miss my child hugely if I take role 2 as it’s also a fairly long commute (1 hour each way) and would have to accept hardly seeing them on weeekdays

to hell with political correctness, choose your kid.

Your child is 3. She or he needs you. You can go into evidence and research if you want but it comes down to this: your child is three and they need their mum.

SirensandPomegranates · 12/04/2018 22:58

Prancing you're absolutely right. Someone needs to ask those questions I agree but absolutely no reason why all of the questions need to be asked by only one parent rather than shared more evenly.

cestlavielife · 12/04/2018 22:58

So long as a parent is there and present most evenings and weekends . You won't miss out nor they . Take the job. Try it for 12 or 24 months.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 12/04/2018 22:58

Does the child need dad or just mum?

JessieMcJessie · 12/04/2018 22:59

Have not read all the responses but wondered if you plan to have more children?
You say your DD is in nursery, is it a private nursery that finishes after working hours? What will you do when she goes to school and finishes earlier? If your DH is a high earner and Role 2 is so worth it for you financially are you absolutely sure a nanny is not an option? What about a nanny share?

I’m intrigued how you have ended up applying for 2 such different jobs simultaneously and now seem to be under pressure to decide crazily quickly. Did you not weigh up pros and cons before applying?

I’m a bit taken aback at you being swayed by the fact that your DH might “hate having to leave early”. Either his job will permit this on his designated days, or it won’t. If it is logistically possible then it matters not one joy whether or not he “likes” doing it. He’s a mature professional and a father, he needs to suck it up.

pandarific · 12/04/2018 23:00

Yeah your other half really needs to step up here. You deserve to be able to make this decision without having to deal with ridiculousness like having to do 95% of the childcare - I mean come on, it's 2018! How is he getting away with this??

applesareredandgreen · 12/04/2018 23:01

For me it would be role 1 - very similar situation to what I do now and I've never regretted being the one to go part time and prioritising the time at home with family (firstly DC, now my dog and ageing parents )

We are all different though and perhaps I'm just not that ambitious.

edwinbear · 12/04/2018 23:01

boopsy do you think the DC will value time more than money when OP's DH loses his job and they have nowhere to live? Or when they want to go to University without ending up with £100k plus of debt? Or they'd like financial help buying a house?

Or do you think they will still just be grateful their mum picked them up from school every day?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 12/04/2018 23:01

How is he getting away with this??
Because op let’s him,
because of social conditioning,
because they’re stuck in a bad habit

MrSlant · 12/04/2018 23:01

I worked full time when my DS' were young and less and less as they got older, I regret missing the time with them when they were young and now as they are 18 and 16 and flying out into the world all I want to do is stamp my feet and shout "That wasn't enough time, MORE". I cannot think of a single job or item I could buy with extra money that would be worth more time with them as they were growing. I didn't realise this when they were younger! I'm retraining at the moment and looking forward to the opportunities I'm going to have now they don't need me as much.

I've worked full time and not seen them, been a SAHM and all the shades in between as well BTW, it's only now I'm wanting to grab at every second with them because I didn't really understand the concept of them growing up and leaving home until it started to happen. It only took 5 minutes I swear.

Blaablaablaa · 12/04/2018 23:02

@seaeaglefeather just mum? Not dad?

ShawshanksRedemption · 12/04/2018 23:03

@Lipstick
I sincerely don’t think the sahm on mn dont berate their dp saying it’s only money
When a man is working,earning he’s a great dad it’s never minimised as
Only money
Think of the widdle ones they’re only widdle for a short time.no one says this to dad
I have said this to my DH quite a bit. I have told him that it's important he shows his DC he supports them, he shrugs and says "work", and I tell him he is missing out and so are the DC. We both work.
IMHO parenting is for both parents, not just the mums.

OldBandTeeShirt · 12/04/2018 23:03

Amen Lipstick. OP, I would take job 2 without a second thought, but after detailed discussion with your DH about how he is going to facilitate your new role, travel etc. DH and I both have demanding FT jobs that involve travel, and a six year old, and no family in this country, or anything other than paid childcare — we manage perfectly well, because DH has never considered his job more important than mine, and nor have I.

Emptynestermum · 12/04/2018 23:04

I would take job 1 definitely.

Not worth the extra stress on your family and what you and your child would miss (each other). There will be time when he/she is older for different jobs. It's important to find a good balance when they are young. :)

pandarific · 12/04/2018 23:04

Word, @LipstickHandbagCoffee. Gin Fuck that for a packet of beans.

duckponds · 12/04/2018 23:06

All the angry feminists on this thread, are you this angry with your own husbands for having a career and supporting their family?

It's not productive to home in on the equality angle. If the husband cuts back on his work so what, the OP will still be deprived of a relationship with her DC because SHE won't be present. So forget the husband, bottom line here is that OP has a 3 year old child. If she goes to work full time in a stressful role involving travel then yes of course it is going to impact her relationship with the child. Having a child is a blessing denied to many, £ is material. She can go to the more stressful role when child is older but she can NEVER get that precious time back with the child.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 12/04/2018 23:06

Men don’t post or ask these questions because they have the social validation to chose the job
No one will say
...Only money
...They’re only widdle for short time
...Kids need their dads present

And huge amount of women don’t hold their own dp to the harsh standards they’re setting for op

Chanelprincess · 12/04/2018 23:06

Role 2 without a second thought. I think I'd die of boredom within 5 minutes in role 1.

Calmingvibrations · 12/04/2018 23:07

Are there many jobs like the first one out there? As one option could be to take option 2 dream job and see how it goes - quit if too much and find a job like first one.

If pay is better in dream job, how much time could you claw back by having cleaner, nanny at home etc

Will dream job be full on permanently or is there scope to move on / up with less hours a year or two down the line?

Are you thinking of having more children and if so in what time scale? More than one seems like like a lot more work to me (I only have one so just judging from what I see) so would dream job be even more difficult with another child. I don’t think I’d bother to take dream job if I knew it was just for short term as planning second and wouldn’t want to do it with two kids / baby.

It’s cr@p isn’t it - I swear men (generally) don’t have to think about this.

The only advice I really have is just to really think about what will make you happy. I’ve got friends who work long anti social hours in incredibly stressful jobs and do over time but are happy doing that, but seeing less of kids. Nothing wrong with that. Other friends who have put career on hold to see more of them. Nothing wrong with that. I guess what I’m trying to say, is ignore what’s expected of you/ women. Ignore what other people do. Deep down, what does your gut tell you?

I take it there’s no point in trying to get OH to step up and do less time at work and more at home (if you manage that, please let me know your secret as I could do with mine working less).

Good luck Wink

SirensandPomegranates · 12/04/2018 23:09

duckpond I hope I'm being included in the "angry feminists".

I'm afraid I don't understand your question though.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 12/04/2018 23:10

Xenia Children measure love in time. Not devices... also, it isn’t sexist for the man to have a full time career, it’s just about juggling when both want a full time career. Just like it isn’t sexist if the roles were reversed. Op is asking the question, not the husband. Already on here from many women there are different views and answers, I don’t think that is sexist.

For what it’s worth, I’ve no idea what I would do as embarrassingly I do not work and have never had a career type job. I’d probably go for role one as it’s more time with a young child and a home and I personally couldn’t handle the stress. However, if role two is something you really enjoy, it would feel like work and with the extra money I’m sure you could get a cleaner to help with the burden of the house and leave the childcare as the main focus between you and your partner.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 12/04/2018 23:10

Who are the angry feminists, is there a roll call?
Feminist, hell yea I’ll take that
Angry,no. More weary of reading these so called maternal dilemmas were mums are the parent having to give things up
Not the men giving things up,just the women

SeaEagleFeather · 12/04/2018 23:10

@seaeaglefeather just mum? Not dad?

Ofc Dad is needed too. But I think that at 3, mums are needed just as much as dad ... and the OP said clearly that she'll miss him bitterly. The little girl or boy will miss her just as much.

The best would be if both parents could work 3 or 4 days a week but that's not possible usually. But a parent being there for the young child more than 2 days a week is essential, unless there's absolutely no other choice. A mum or dad generally needs some time of out the house doing some work or they'll go stir crazy, but only being around 2 days out of 7 isnt enough.

This thread is kinda crazy on the politics.

edwinbear · 12/04/2018 23:11

MrSlant let me explain when that will come. When they come to you as adults, having had their adventures, possibly spent too much on their credit cards, and want to buy a house. A car. Pay for the wedding of their dreams. And you will be able to provide that.

They will not remember 'Monkey Music' sessions at 10am on a Weds morning when they were 2. They will remember the £5k fireworks you paid for on the wedding day. I know I do.