To put my career before my child

[Madisonthecat]

Before I get started I’ll start by saying I think I am but really need some advice from the wise women (and men) of Mumsnet.

Currently not working and have been offered two roles which is fantastic, know I’m really lucky.

Role 1 - three days a week, 9-5, public sector job. Pretty straightforward and could do it reasonably comfortably in the time allowed with little requirement for overtime I think.

Role 2 - amazing opportunity, great pay (£15,000 more than role 1) and amazing benefits. BUT.... it’s full time only, will probably require lots of overtime, travel and be pretty stressful day in day out. It’s a sector I love and would really enjoy getting back into.

What do I do? I would love to do role 2 and if I was childless would take it in a heartbeat. But I have a 3 year old and a partner who works long hours in a demanding role too and can’t help feeling that it’s really not in the best interests of my child to take it. My partner will do a few things around the house (cooking) but I definitely do the lions share of housework and 95% of childcare currently. My previous role after mat leave was 3 days a week and worked well for us as a family as I was happy to pick up the slack. We have no family support at all.

This time I guess I feel conflicted because it’s basically a dream job and I feel sad that as a Mum it feels seems you’re forced to choose between a varied, interesting and well rewarded career or putting your children first and taking something less challenging and with less pay but providing a much better work/life balance.

I will miss my child hugely if I take role 2 as it’s also a fairly long commute (1 hour each way) and would have to accept hardly seeing them on weeekdays. What would you do??

Btw I’ve put this in AIBU as I’m after quick responses. Need to confirm either way tomorrow. Help!

Oh the ignominy if we have made the angry feminist list
Then I will go tonto

I would say role one as well. I’m in a busy job (hospital doctor) but only 3 days a week. I never leave on time, and poor old DS only sees me for half an hour in the morning on days when I work. He then desperately tries to keep himself awake until I get back in the evening and he ends up shattered. I really wouldn’t want to work full time until he was much older, it’s too much when they are little.

There will be part-time demanding jobs out there! I would keep looking.

No man would be accused of putting his career before his child just by taking a full time job. Imagine groups of men talking each other out of taking a full time job because they have DCs.

You need to discuss with your DH how you balance both of your career needs (which is not just about who earns more) with raising your DD. What balance you both feel is right for you and for her. This is I think the problem when one parent takes the hit in the early years it’s so hard to get the balance back, as I assume he now depends on you picking up most of the child and house related tasks so he can work on.

Seconding others, you can always take role 2 see how it goes and leave having gained experience if it doesn’t work out.

Good luck whatever route you take.

Sirens I’m waiting on the roll call of angry feminists,got myself all excited

I consider myself a feminist but I wanted to reduce my hours to see more of my kids. Nothing to do with their dad who worked shifts and was around a lot himself. I just wanted to be with them.

I'm lucky I could do this. I work for the civil service who are flexible with hours. I don't regret it for a second. I don't feel guilty about working at all and I don't feel guilty about my lack of career progression. It was right for me and was my decision.

Totally agree cant, that said a job with overtime and lots of travel is going to be a hard slog with small kids even with a totally committed full time working partner esp if no other backup, and not much flexible childcare.

A version of this life where you both work full time but can do the overtime when the kids are in bed and don’t do lots of travel could work though.

Plan, you need really robust plans with children and work. You need a better option 2.

LipstickHandbagCoffee Are you ok? I’m not even being a dick I’m actually asking. You say you don’t dislike a woman’s choice to stay home with their children or work less hours. But then you are mocking them for being at the school gate... for what it’s worth my partner does most if not all the school drop offs etc

I chose role 1. This was agreed between us. His job went from strength to strength, my salary became rather like pocket money in comparison, but I was there for my DC.

Then my exH found another woman, who worked full time and her son was in wrap around childcare. He left me for her, they now have a huge income between them and I get the bare minimum maintenance.

I now do role 1 full time, my old experience is completely out of date, I have my DSs for the majority of the time. My exH goes on exotic holidays every year with his new wife, they never take my DSs or her DS.

I was married, OP, I was entitled to a share of his pension, half our assets and I can live in our house until DS3 is 18. Be very careful, I regret my decisions back then every day and you aren't even married.

Am I ok with being on the angry feminist list?hell yes
Am I okay with your online head tilt,meh I’m bemused that you asked
You see a man working ft wouldn’t be asked if he was ok,he be top bloke

Madisonthecat - you could try being more honest with yourself. You would not be "putting your child first" either way; you would be doing what you think works best for you and your family. This is as much to do with your own physical, mental and emotional health as it is to do with your child's needs. How much of this is about you liking doing 95% of the child-related stuff rather than having to hand any of it over to your dh and lose control over how things are done; how much that you don't believe your dh will pick up the slack; and how much that you think anyone else doing it would harm your child and send them confusing messages? Also, would the job be so stressful and all-consuming that you would be grumpy and feel guilty the whole time you were with your family anyway, even if you had lots of support on the physical side of things, because nobody can take away the emotional effort involved in bringing up children and maintaining relationships?

Wait you aren’t married and you can’t ask your do to do half the childcare? You’d be a total mug to not pursue your career and make him to half the childcare. I stand by better option 2 but don’t subsidise the career of someone you aren’t married to, that is madness.

Is your dream job likely to come up again when your DC are older or is it a rare opportunity?

With the extra money, could you afford a cleaner to manage the housework so you get your weekends free for quality family time?

I worked part time while DS was young. Exdp left when he was 2 and a half and it has been a real struggle on a part time wage to be honest. I do love that I've been there while he's been young but I spend so much time stressing about how to make ends meet. I'm about to start a full time job and DS is 7 which makes it easier. But I would have done it from when he hit school age if I'd had the opportunity.

If your dream job is likely to come up when your child hits school age then I would say wait. But if it's not then I think you should go for it. Yes time goes quickly but that works both ways. When your dc is leaving home do you want to be stuck in a job you hate or one you love?

Yabu.
"Dream child" over dream job. Your child has only one early childhood, you are clever and talented -you'll find another dream job when DC is a bit older.
Obviously if both parents could have an equal go at the career would be better, but the question is about this particular choice here and now.

Basically, be more honest with yourself about what is truly bothering you. Your career dilemma is not your child's fault, so don't frame it as putting your child first!

Role 2 definitely. Though I’d only ever work for a company that has a good culture of flexibility. If company 2 doesn’t have that then go and find another role 2 type job in a better company.

Definitely role 2, you'll find a way to make it work, and if you don't stick in for a year or two and try to move with the greater pay and experience.

LipstickHandbagCoffee You can cut the attitude. I didn’t give any headtilt and I’ve no idea what an angry feminist list is. Just so you know, my partner will be the stay at home parent and is down as our youngest s carer and I plan to go to college and aim for a career. He also does the night wakings and early rises with the youngest. I’m the lazy “typical man” in our relationship.

Role 2 in a heartbeat. If my dh weren’t willing to pull his weight at home our marriage would be on the rocks. I will be home with my child again next maternity leave, and I’m earning seniority so I can be flexible when they need me over the next 18 years, children still need that.
But in your case op - you aren’t married. Role 2 and work for promotion and seniority as hard as you can, ifnyou are seriously thinking role 1 and that’s what your dp wants you had better make marriage in the next few months non optional.

I think many forget that parenting continues when the DC are adults. There is much angst about leaving small children, but my wonderful PIL's are still supporting my DH and our DC, when DH is 50.

MIL worked all her life as a nurse, supporting her DH when he lost his job. Yes it meant DH spent time in childcare as a child but he went on to become a super high earning investment banker. Who supports his own wife in her career and is a dab hand with an iron. MIL is now the most supportive and amazing GM I could ever want for our DC. Supportive of both our careers and picks up slack when she can despite living 200 miles away.

My own DM was a bitter SAHM. Who gave up her career to support me and DSis and whose husband left her for an ex girlfriend he met on Friends Reunited 6 months before he died after a 40 year marriage. He changed his will to the effect DM had to sell the family home and give half of the proceeds to dad's girlfriend and we spent 3 years in court fighting for her to retain the pension dad had said should go to his mistress.

I want my DD to be like my MIL. I've been NC with DM for 2 yrs.

I was asking if YOU were ok. Not about being on some list.

lipstick once again since you ignored my last post.
Forget guilt, sympathetic head tilts from the school gate mums etc etc.

Putting Guilt totally out of the equation, when you can’t attend a school play, do you ever feel sad About it?

Some mums would, and this is why they don’t choose full time hours.

Some mums feel happier with buying fireworks for weddings and material things to show their kids love. Others might prefer to give more time.

Both valid choices. But I really think you believe stay at home mums are there because they feel forced, guilted or pressurised into it, when some just want to be with their dc and this fulfils them.

Wow Edwinbear 5k on fireworks? What a waste of money. Mair money than sense as my mother would say and how utterly materialistic of your DC to measure your value by such frippery.

Amazingalice Exactly. Some mothers do want all that and enjoy school plays etc. That’s ok too as long as it was choice.

No right or wrong here - nobody can 'have it all', man or woman, so only you can decide which choice will least compromise your overall needs. It may depend how old you are (i.e. can you have your career later on?) and whether you plan to have more DCs. Don't let other people influence you as everyone is different. Some people really need the value they get from a fulfilling career, others don't - or would feel they get that from being a SAH or PT parent. You really can't ask advice on this, go with your gut feeling. (And as a 50 something, talking to friends who made different choices, we all got it wrong according to our children.....)

Oh I see quack,I’ve got attitude have I.you're annoyed i called you on your daft post
You posted a passive aggressive post head tilt is you really weally alright. I’m worried...no it was a thinly veiled criticism