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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put my career before my child

954 replies

Madisonthecat · 12/04/2018 21:30

Before I get started I’ll start by saying I think I am but really need some advice from the wise women (and men) of Mumsnet.

Currently not working and have been offered two roles which is fantastic, know I’m really lucky.

Role 1 - three days a week, 9-5, public sector job. Pretty straightforward and could do it reasonably comfortably in the time allowed with little requirement for overtime I think.

Role 2 - amazing opportunity, great pay (£15,000 more than role 1) and amazing benefits. BUT.... it’s full time only, will probably require lots of overtime, travel and be pretty stressful day in day out. It’s a sector I love and would really enjoy getting back into.

What do I do? I would love to do role 2 and if I was childless would take it in a heartbeat. But I have a 3 year old and a partner who works long hours in a demanding role too and can’t help feeling that it’s really not in the best interests of my child to take it. My partner will do a few things around the house (cooking) but I definitely do the lions share of housework and 95% of childcare currently. My previous role after mat leave was 3 days a week and worked well for us as a family as I was happy to pick up the slack. We have no family support at all.

This time I guess I feel conflicted because it’s basically a dream job and I feel sad that as a Mum it feels seems you’re forced to choose between a varied, interesting and well rewarded career or putting your children first and taking something less challenging and with less pay but providing a much better work/life balance.

I will miss my child hugely if I take role 2 as it’s also a fairly long commute (1 hour each way) and would have to accept hardly seeing them on weeekdays. What would you do??

Btw I’ve put this in AIBU as I’m after quick responses. Need to confirm either way tomorrow. Help!

OP posts:
AmysTiara · 12/04/2018 22:44

I took option 1 and I don't regret it. Nothing to do with the mum sacrificing her career and the dad carrying on. I just wanted to be with them more.

That doesn't mean you should do the same. It's just what's right for you and your family.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 12/04/2018 22:44

Fruitcorner,I don’t feel judged,i am judged it’s not a hunch.its directly said to me with accompanying head tilt

SirensandPomegranates · 12/04/2018 22:45

eurochick Yes exactly. It just makes me so cross that we even have this conversation. A good rule of thumb for these sorts of questions I think is "would my husband or partner have to ask himself this question?". If the answer is no then neither should you.

As for the suggestion that maybe another opportunity will present itself when the child(ren) are older or after they've left him. It just won't. That will not happen. Not the dream job. Not the career progressing, exciting, well paid job. It won't because that job will be taken by someone younger who is choosing job 2, by a woman without kids or by a man. It will not be given to someone who has been out of that career for many years. Everyone else will not stand still and allow you to catch up when you're ready.

Blaablaablaa · 12/04/2018 22:46

For everyone saying 'its only money' it's not thought is it? A career is so much more than that. When I took my ' role 2' money was way down on the list of why I wanted that job. It was to do with mental stimulation, feeling challenged, feeling like I was making a difference, potential career progression, enjoyment, fulfilment... I could go on.

Maybe someone needs to tell her DP it's only money ......

SirensandPomegranates · 12/04/2018 22:46

*home not him!

Prancingonthevalentine · 12/04/2018 22:46

Partner earns more than either role so would never reduce hours
I was the higher earner but I went part time after dc. The higher salary mean I still earned a decent wage even with dropping two days. It is bollocks that men do not, as a rule, consider this, of course they could if they wanted to.

minipie · 12/04/2018 22:46

Totally agree eurochick.

I cannot imagine more than a handful of fathers choosing role 1.

And yet mothers do this all the time.

I understand why - it's down to different conditioning, mainly. But it's still fecking depressing.

Oly5 · 12/04/2018 22:47

So annoying that most
Men don’t have to make these decisions.
I laugh at the idea that sahms or part-timers are somehow better parents. I had a sahm... she’d have been much happier working! And I would probably have respected her more.
Your DH needs to do 50/50 and you need help (cleaner/nanny etc). Then you can take role 2.
Hell, take role 2 and see how it goes. You can always quit.
Also, role 2 will give you more money. If there’s one thing that’s costly it’s teenagers.
They quickly grow out of the “free days out at a farm park” they had when they were younger

perper · 12/04/2018 22:47

It's worth also considering that Role 2 presumably has more likelihood of career development and promotion, so is a better long term prospect.

Use the extra money to hire a cleaner and enjoy quality time as a family with you and your DP as equal partners in the house Smile

LaurieMarlow · 12/04/2018 22:49

Tough one. I have an option 2 type job.

If I were you I'd jump at option 1. It's all very well having an interesting/full on job, but when it literally sucks all the time and energy you have, that becomes very difficult. I resent it hugely. I'm not always the mum I want to be because of it.

ShawshanksRedemption · 12/04/2018 22:49

I’ve never seen or read a man berated for missing play,sport day etc.women are berated though
It seems to be expected that men miss plays,sport day cause of work.oh well
A woman misses same events and it’s all handwringing and future emotional turmoil
I have missed sport day & plays because of work.thats just how it goes
Am I wracked with Guilt?nope
Interestingly,I get the head tilt and such a shame you couldn’t attend school gate comments
And I reply by asking them if their dp was present?no,he was working same as me then I reply...
I work in a school and whilst some kids are fine with that, I know others that do get upset that no family member, whether male or female, comes to see them/support them.

Fruitcorner123 · 12/04/2018 22:49

Lipstick i agree but think we are all judged by mums who make the other decision. Maybe you don't judge the school run mums but many in your position do.

Prancingonthevalentine · 12/04/2018 22:51

Sirens the problem with your rule of thumb is that there are lots of questions my partner wouldn't ask himself - do those shoes look a bit tight on ds2? Is it time for ds1 to have his eyes checked again? And at least one of us need to ask those questions or the children suffer. No reason why it needs to be the woman of course.

edwinbear · 12/04/2018 22:51

His work was not sacrosanct. I was not the one who necessarily had to be flexible. We both asked the odd favour of our employers, and found them sensible, humane and understanding

I have had a very similar experience. Because I didn't sacrifice my career when we had DC and maintained my salary level and skills, DH and his employer respect my job as being equal to his. Both of our employers are aware they employ parents. Which means occasionally taking unplanned days off for sickness, snow days and the like. DH did both the last sick child and snow closure days because I had unavoidable meetings, his boss understands that, as mine does that next time, it's my turn.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 12/04/2018 22:52

I sincerely don’t think the sahm on mn dont berate their dp saying it’s only money
When a man is working,earning he’s a great dad it’s never minimised as
Only money
Think of the widdle ones they’re only widdle for a short time.no one says this to dad

HollowTalk · 12/04/2018 22:52

I think you should be married if you are thinking of taking on job 1.

But I think you should take job 1 and spend more time with your child while they need you.

overduemamma · 12/04/2018 22:53

I have this same dilemma. I have 2 children 3 and 1, partner doesn't work, 3 year old at pre-school. I am wanting to move up the ladder but it will mean sacrificing my weekends and nights but I'm just going for it. I will just have the make extra effort to spend time with my children and do things with them x

user838383 · 12/04/2018 22:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cestlavielife · 12/04/2018 22:53

Role 2 is much easier when you can get year round full time nursery and take nice holidays in school term time ! Win win .
Do it now for two years til school starts then review. By then you might be able to negotiate four days or work from home or flexible.
Online shopping and cleaner . You can have quality weekends .

TheGrumpySquirrel · 12/04/2018 22:53

@Prancingonthevalentine and why not? Because he's never had to be the one to take responsibility for those things.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 12/04/2018 22:54

fruitcorner,I don’t see the school gate crew so much,so no time to judge em
On the occasions I’m challenged yes I will directly note their dp absence and ask how he’s doing

Shadow1986 · 12/04/2018 22:55

There will be other jobs in that sector later down the line - I think if your questioning it, the timing is not right.
Go for role 1 and have the best of both worlds for a little while longer.

ChampagneSocialist1 · 12/04/2018 22:55

Not RTFT but I did a job 1 when my dcs were in primary school and kept up my knowledge and skills so could do a job 2 when they started secondary which worked out well

cestlavielife · 12/04/2018 22:56

Actually the time spent with them is much more critical emotionally when older e.g. 8 upwards when life can get more anxious ... full time with smaller kids in a good childcare is easier. Get in now then you in strong position to negotiate later..and dh too .

polarb · 12/04/2018 22:56

Role 2, it's the one you want. As other posters have said did your husband worry this much, has he considered going part time? I highly doubt it.
Also does role 2 have room for progression? Could it eventually be more than an extra 15k after promotion? Role 1 is temporary and it is possible that you may find it harder to get another job after it.