To put my career before my child

[Madisonthecat]

Before I get started I’ll start by saying I think I am but really need some advice from the wise women (and men) of Mumsnet.

Currently not working and have been offered two roles which is fantastic, know I’m really lucky.

Role 1 - three days a week, 9-5, public sector job. Pretty straightforward and could do it reasonably comfortably in the time allowed with little requirement for overtime I think.

Role 2 - amazing opportunity, great pay (£15,000 more than role 1) and amazing benefits. BUT.... it’s full time only, will probably require lots of overtime, travel and be pretty stressful day in day out. It’s a sector I love and would really enjoy getting back into.

What do I do? I would love to do role 2 and if I was childless would take it in a heartbeat. But I have a 3 year old and a partner who works long hours in a demanding role too and can’t help feeling that it’s really not in the best interests of my child to take it. My partner will do a few things around the house (cooking) but I definitely do the lions share of housework and 95% of childcare currently. My previous role after mat leave was 3 days a week and worked well for us as a family as I was happy to pick up the slack. We have no family support at all.

This time I guess I feel conflicted because it’s basically a dream job and I feel sad that as a Mum it feels seems you’re forced to choose between a varied, interesting and well rewarded career or putting your children first and taking something less challenging and with less pay but providing a much better work/life balance.

I will miss my child hugely if I take role 2 as it’s also a fairly long commute (1 hour each way) and would have to accept hardly seeing them on weeekdays. What would you do??

Btw I’ve put this in AIBU as I’m after quick responses. Need to confirm either way tomorrow. Help!

Agree. My life is a fluid mix of work and Dcs and not much else. I often work when they're in bed but I start work at ten wheh I need to so I see them in the church service first. I don't have weeks and weeks with them in the summer but I do see a lot of them

Yolo

No I didn't need to because guess what, the baby still had their mum with them

We both work, opposite hours to ensure that our kids always have their Mum or Dad with them.

Childcare isn't the Mum's sole responsibility, I agree. But then why both rush back to work so that neither of you see the children?!

It's the people who willingly whack their children into nursery, 7am - 6.30pm every day of the week just so that they can have their fulfilling career and posh cars/holidays etc. that I can't fathom.

OP even said she doesn't need to take job 2. That's the point that everyone on here is missing!!!

And do you know what, I may be in the minority (with another couple of posters) but I"m almost sure the aggression from the full on 'let's never see our kids' parents is because deep down you do all feel bad about it! And so you should - if you actually have a choice. (this doesn't apply in the slightest if you are the only breadwinner and have no choice)

That's the point you're all missing!!!!

@star I don't feel bad. I can see how beneficial nursery and pre-school is for my child.
I also don't believe it's healthy for your children to be iblyoikef after by their parents. It's takes a village to raise a child after all

StarUtopia I honestly , honestly , guarantee that I don’t feel bad about working full time!! I felt guilty when I first went back to work after taking a year of maternity, but that soon wore off when my family got into the routine we have now. I don’t find motherhood particularly stimulating or fulfilling. That doesn’t mean I don’t love my son; I’d die for him. It doesn’t mean I’m a bad mother; I’m a very good mother. However, if I worked part time or was a SAHM I’d be unfulfilled and miserable.

Star, there are plenty of other good reasons to work than “needing the money”.

If you take that argument to its logical conclusion a lot of people could sell their house, give up work, buy a caravan, live on baked beans for the rest of their lives and spend every waking moment with their children.

But many people work more hours in better jobs than they “need” to survive for a multitude of good reasons. Reasons which may include wanting to have their own income and pension entitlement in case their relationship doesn’t work out, wanting their children to grow up in a decent home in a nice area where they can go to good schools, paying school and university fees in some cases, helping their children buy a property later on, having nice family holidays and - perhaps most crucially - because they are a person in their own right as well as being someone’s parent and their mental, emotional, financial and intellectual wellbeing also matters.

Working longer hours than you need to for any or all of the above reasons is likely to bring about positive benefits for your child. Staying at home and having more time with them but less money will produce different benefits.

Some people say they don’t see the point in having children if you go out to work and pay someone else to do the childcare.

Personally I don’t see the point of having daughters children if you teach them that if they choose to reproduce they must give up their own life and dreams and aspirations and devote every waking hour to their child.

Why bother encouraging your daughter to get good grades and go to university and pursue a good career if you believe that if and when she has her own children she should put it all on the back burner? Waste of time and money, surely?

Or if you have a daughter, do you sit her down at the age of 15 and say, “decide whether you want children now, and if you do, you might as well not bother studying?”

None of this is to say that stay at home mums can’t or don’t make excellent parents and role models for their children. But if you genuinely believe that when you have children you should always prioritise spending time with them over pursuing a career, and that people who go out to work and leave their children with a childminder when they don’t absolutely need to are being selfish, then you probably ought to be honest with your own daughterschildren about that before you let them rack up fifty grand’s worth of debt going to uni so they can get a good job.

LoveInTokyo , very well put!

I am not quite a sahm I work two days a week my dd nursery one day and with my mum the other. My mother worked full time and I hated it. I never wanted that for my children and I planned long before my dd came along how I was going to be around for her. I'm lucky I'm self employed it works for me. I'm saddened by the amount of people who put their needs ahead of their children no mention of kids feelings on a lot of these comments just desperation to not feel like men don't have some kind of superiority to them. I've made sacrifices to be home with my daughter no way do I have the things I had before motherhood. Full time nursery is a lot for a baby/toddler. There's s lot of range rovers outside my daughters nursery

Glass, both of my parents worked full time and I didn’t hate it at all, but I can completely understand how you’ve come to form your views as to what will work for YOUR family. It wouldn’t work for MY family. It’s completely my son’s prerogative to resent me for working full time when he’s older. At the moment he’s a very happy, content, confident 4 year old. P.s I also drive a Range Rover.

I love my DH and DD with all my heart, but I love my career as well. I would be utterly wasted staying at home as I would have been bored rigid and unhappy, which would have been terrible for DD. This week I collected a brand new high spec car and paid for a post GCSE cruise for DD & I, both of which I have paid for through my own hard work. DH & I are both great role models for DD, proving that with a bit of determination and a lot of team work, neither parent needs to sacrifice their career just to bring up a child. I wholeheartedly agree with what Love says.

Ha ha strong mummy!!! Hey who knows my daughter could come to me in 20 years time and say she hated me being there?! Just trying to do the best I can.

P.S. Just asked DD if she hates me. She doesn't this week.

Exactly Glass, you just never know what these kids are going to think when they grow up!!!! I’m sure your daughter will value and appreciate the time you spent with her

loveintokyo that is the best reasoning I have heard. And I agree with you 100%

Strong mummy yes I hope so as I'm sure you child will appreciate you. I understand more about my mothers situation as an adult but as I say I'm lucky that I can be around whilst also still earning albeit less than before. As a pp said kids are very vocal about what they feel we did wrong. We're all just trying our best and we all make some mistakes.

Option 2 in a heartbeat.

Go for the higher paid job. Your child won't remember how many nappies you changed but it will notice if you can afford it a lap top in its teens or fund its university fees and it will adore having the example of a full time working mother

This isn't true - and if you have DCs then you must know it. Children are unpredictable they can miss you just like that when they're little. & they will tell you too. & that's without you missing them. They're little ones they're not sitting there with discernment skills "I miss mummy but this iPad is just as good". Even if they were to put such high value on material things it's not to be admired.

OP yove said your DH works long hours in a demanding role and I hope you're taking no notice of people who are being so disparaging about him, as if he does nothing. I'm guessing you do more in the house as you are there more, if his hours are long.

Id not consider job 2 unless I had a nanny and cleaner arrangement. "Superwoman" doesn't ways work out well. & years fly by, your little ones are teens before you know it. You want to be refreshed at weekends so you can spend quality time with DCs without feeling shattered. & hopefully get some time to yourself too. Talk to your DH pen and paper in hand, work something out together.

To those hinting that the DH is sexist and why doesn't he have to make choices - he IS making a choice. He's working long hours to help support his family too. It's a family unit both are parents it's not a battle of the sexes competition.

I'm sure people project on to OPs what they'd never dare say, do or expect of their own DHs but are full.of advice to make others feel bad about their partners

I'd tak

I hope you have chosen a job you are happy with.

I couldn't have done role 2, personally, because I've always felt looking after children too much without having a demanding job on top. This is very personal, though, because I always admire career women who can have it all because I couldn't have done without burning out. In fact, just having a job full stop is still too much and mine are school age!

In a way, I do regret not having more a career, though. Financially, my wage would be nowhere near enough to support myself on my own. I did increase my hours when my youngest started school but still got lumbered with most of the house stuff - funny that - and the money is still peanuts!

My job is dead end, tough physically, and not particularly fulfilling, though I work in a nice team and the hours fit in with family life, just about. I've done bits of volunteering, toyed with the idea of study but can never seem to find the time to make these things go anywhere.

Those who do have careers seem to have far more equal relationships and their DHs tend to do far more because they have to. And many can afford to buy extra support such as nannies, cleaners and the like.

For ever how much we think women are shoe horned into gender roles - I always think the dads are too. Most love their kids so much yet such a small minority do flexible working or jobs with family friendly hours. Why? It’s not because they wouldn’t love to be at home with their kids - they would. Most of the time it’s because the ‘provider’and male high earner sterotypes are very very strong.
A stay at home dad is viewed much worse than a full time working mum

I personally would take role 1. You will never get these years back with your children.
Will £15k more a year make a massive difference to your life or will a lot of it get swallowed up in childcare costs?
My dad worked ridiculously long hours when I was a child and he really regrets it now.

Apples, completely agree

Go for job 1. You will regret missing your child grow up more than anything else in the future

I've got a job 2 and seeing plenty of my children growing up

Or if you have a daughter, do you sit her down at the age of 15 and say, “decide whether you want children now, and if you do, you might as well not bother studying?”

I think the issue with this line of reasoning is that it assumes that all decisions about career are 'once and for all', rather than something which constantly evolves over your (and your children's) lifetimes.

So I spent until the age of 24 or so maximising my qualifications. Then the next 7 years or so maximising my progression in Career 1. Then the next 7 years or so being a SAHM (plus living abroad) ... and almost unintentionally collecting lots of entry tickets to Career 2.
Since then, I have trained for, and pursued, Career 2, with adjustments from time to time for work / life / family balance. At some points, I have been maximising my progress. In others, marking time a little to balance family needs more. As my children reach the point of being about to leave home, I am equally reviewing the steps iI need to take in the immediate future to make the next step in this career.

My DH can tell a similar story, of periods of career progression, periods of job change, periods of relative stagnation to meet family needs etc.

Whatever decision the OP makes, it isn't helpful to characterise a single job choice, at any age, as 'the final word' in terms of career over a lifetime.

You will regret missing your child grow up more than anything else in the future

Men aren’t asked to consider missing out kids childhood they’re expected to get on with being a salary donkey and keep the ££ rollin in

Only women get the they grow up so fast they’re only widdle for a little time speech

I think parents need to spend time with their kids - not just mothers, fathers too. Relying on childcare while both parents pursue a full time career is not good enough, how much time do you actually spend with your kids? Why did you want to be a parent when you are only available at the weekend, justify it all you like but kids need parents to be there...childcare is not the same.