To put my career before my child

[Madisonthecat]

Before I get started I’ll start by saying I think I am but really need some advice from the wise women (and men) of Mumsnet.

Currently not working and have been offered two roles which is fantastic, know I’m really lucky.

Role 1 - three days a week, 9-5, public sector job. Pretty straightforward and could do it reasonably comfortably in the time allowed with little requirement for overtime I think.

Role 2 - amazing opportunity, great pay (£15,000 more than role 1) and amazing benefits. BUT.... it’s full time only, will probably require lots of overtime, travel and be pretty stressful day in day out. It’s a sector I love and would really enjoy getting back into.

What do I do? I would love to do role 2 and if I was childless would take it in a heartbeat. But I have a 3 year old and a partner who works long hours in a demanding role too and can’t help feeling that it’s really not in the best interests of my child to take it. My partner will do a few things around the house (cooking) but I definitely do the lions share of housework and 95% of childcare currently. My previous role after mat leave was 3 days a week and worked well for us as a family as I was happy to pick up the slack. We have no family support at all.

This time I guess I feel conflicted because it’s basically a dream job and I feel sad that as a Mum it feels seems you’re forced to choose between a varied, interesting and well rewarded career or putting your children first and taking something less challenging and with less pay but providing a much better work/life balance.

I will miss my child hugely if I take role 2 as it’s also a fairly long commute (1 hour each way) and would have to accept hardly seeing them on weeekdays. What would you do??

Btw I’ve put this in AIBU as I’m after quick responses. Need to confirm either way tomorrow. Help!

I think people always project their own experiences here

I am in a certain set of circumstances but who is to say they work for OP

Op do what you want . I always toss a coin and if I don’t agree with the coin , or want to throw again —— that’s very telling !

So why does the lady who (some would say) brought up my DD in nursery send her own DD to another nursery herself? She has no financial reason to do

You may believe that my family's decision to have both parents in full time professional careers is "not good enough" and such a decision may not suit your family, but it certainly suits us. Your opinion cannot be applied to all families, it is simply your opinion for your own family situation. I grew up in a family where both of my parents worked. It was a no-brainer for me to continue with the career I love in a profession I had worked so hard to join. I can't think how DD could possibly have benefited more. However, other people make different choices. Some may be happy to have a less taxing part-time job, that's their decision.

So why does the lady who (some would say) brought up my DD in nursery send her own DD to another nursery herself? She has no financial reason to do
Weird that she trusted another nursery over the one she worked in.

Obviously pure professionalism. Her employer does not allow management or staff to enrol their own children in the nursery. It also enables her DH to easily drop off or pick up on his way to work. Why on earth would she not trust her colleagues and staff?

Anyway, back to the OP. If you love the opportunities Role 2 creates, go for it. Your child will be in full time education in less than 18 months time, which will leave you twiddling your thumbs if you are only working a 3 day week. Go out and challenge yourself, I doubt if you will regret it.

Why bother encouraging your daughter to get good grades and go to university and pursue a good career if you believe that if and when she has her own children she should put it all on the back burner? Waste of time and money, surely?

Oh for gods sake! Hilarious. You are able to go back to work afterwards you know? I am replying to the actual OP. The child is 3. She has a choice. Why do people always assume SAHM means they don't work? I work, I just chose (and still choose) to work around the needs of the little ones. They both went to nursery (whilst I was at work pt) so they've had the benefit of nursery.

You will never get these years back with your small child. There is always an opportunity to make money if you're any good.

I am genuinely curious though. All these boastful posters (I'm working full time, earning great money, just paid out for cruise blah blah) - how many of you have family support? So your son/daughter it at Grandma's house after school? Or indeed Grandma/Grandad is doing the school run? Because I guarantee when you have zero support there is no way I'm handing my kids over to total strangers (however lovely a childminder may be and however close the kids may eventually get to her) just so that I can drive a flash car. Who gives a fuck about that! How shallow and meaningless your lives have actually all become when a nice car, flash holidays and being able to spend copious amounts of money is more important than being truly able to look at your child and know you were there for them?

Why on earth would she not trust her colleagues and staff? She didn't trust her colleagues, why? use your imagination - you think staff in nurseries are always excellent, just because ofsted have visited one day and have announced that is the case - really? You are very trusting because it suits you.

Star absolutely no support whatsoever. I live 200 miles away from my family and my MIL was critically ill with cancer when DD was born and there is a stretch of water between us. My friends are spread around the country, busy with their own careers and, because I worked full time, I didn't know anyone else with children that I could dump DD on. If she was ill, DH and I would co-ordinate our diaries, decide who had the most flexible day and share the load between us. I paid a lot of money for childcare because we didn't have the luxury of family support on tap. DH & I would have a day or weekend alone together once a year and we only had evenings out together when DD was old enough to go on school residential.

Tryingtogetfired perhaps you have had a poor experience of child care yourself. I was fortunate enough to be able to afford high quality child care and choose nurseries where I knew the staff and owners.

I was fortunate enough to be able to afford high quality child care and choose nurseries where I knew the staff and owners. And I knew quite a few people who felt the way you did only to find out later they were wrong.

Don't be selfish, put your child first. Why have one if you'd rather have a career? No one can have everything in life

Well luckily I wasn't. I'm afraid we will have to disagree on childcare. If everyone made the same life choices, the world would be a very boring place.

@star I have zero family support yet still manage to work full time as does my DH. It can work.
Stop making sweeping generalisations

Sometimes kids are honest about their parents working, I never was, I knew the feedback would not have been welcome, some kids don't mind, some do - honesty is tricky for kids...they know what their parent want and they often don't want to let their parents down.

That cuts both ways though.

My mum was a SAHM and I really resented her for it. She wa over invested in my life, we had less money and I grew up constantly worried about money, and now in older age she resents me because I do work and don't have time to ferry her everywhere.

If she had had a job a network and a life outwith me our relationship now would be much more positive.

My very young son told me I should work more so I could have the money to buy him more toys.

care, the idea that a woman having a child and a career is ‘having it all’ is a deeply patriarchal one. It’s also something men are assumed to be able to do without anyone thinking it is greedy, selfish, logistically impossible, or otherwise problematic. When I work, part of what I am doing is providing for my child.

In response to Star, we have no family support. We are not from the UK, and have no family here. All childcare is paid for. And your assumption that working mothers do so in order to buy ‘flash cars’ is the same tired old tripe about anyone who dares to have a child and a career being selfish and materialistic.

@ RJnomore1 are a nightmare - I've seen it in both Sahms and Wohms but the money thing is interesting - the amount of money people need to be happy has a limit - £50k a year, I'm sure it's more in london but there comes a point where you are assuming your kids would prefer material goods to parenting time..what is your price?

@ RJnomore1 helicopter parents are a nightmare

^RJnomore1

That cuts both ways though.

My mum was a SAHM and I really resented her for it. She wa over invested in my life, we had less money and I grew up constantly worried about money, and now in older age she resents me because I do work and don't have time to ferry her everywhere.

If she had had a job a network and a life outwith me our relationship now would be much more positive.^

I don't believe it's to do with being a SAHM or WOHM, it's character/nature.
My mum always worked full time and still does in her 60s, and she managed to be over invested without ever getting to know me or my sister.
She still has her job but has very little ability to create any interesting life for herself unless she literally lives through her DCs(and DGCs when they let her) lives. It can be very suffocating, though my DSis and I have managed to regulate it by creating some kind of balance so she doesn't feel too lonely. She hasn't really got friends, and was massively dependant on all her company for DF when they were married, and then on other occassional boyfriends/companions.

I've been a SAHM on an off for years (many kids with big age gaps) and no-one can accuse me of helicopter parenting :), in fact my DM used to be routinely terrified at how laid back I am as a parent, but it just part of my nature. I also have an active social life and a massive list of things I want to do or achieve which don't involve my DCs. ☺️

What did I do wrong about the italics?

without ever getting to know me and my sister

So familiar!

We have 2 full time careers and no family support (or very little).

It's tough but doable with good (expensive) childcare and lots of flexibility and communication between you. The shared diary is king.

I'm not saying this is always ideal (earlier in the thread I advocated for OP to take job 1) but I find some of the comments in the last few pages need answering

there is no way I'm handing my kids over to total strangers

The trust issue is difficult. However I'm immensely glad I got over it because the relationship DS has forged with firstly his nanny and secondly his current nursery workers has been tremendous. They've really added to his life and experiences. My mum was a child minder and she still has a great relationship with her past charges who are now teens. This element can be a real positive of working.

just so that I can drive a flash car.

As someone else pointed out on another thread, how come when dads work they're providing for the family, but when mums work they're doing it because they're crass materialists?

Flash cars couldn't be further from my mind. Me working will (hopefully) mean more flexibility for DH and a safety net for the family, private school for the kids, debt free university and potentially a start on the housing ladder. My priorities are not fucking handbags and how offensive to suggest that.

I was in similar situation, my child was 2, I was made redundant so needed a job, took the role 2, next three yrs were tough but raised my career profile then changed jobs to get a better work life balance and more money. But honestly couldn’t have done it without DP’s support. So discuss with your DP and seeif you could work it out. All the best. Career is as important as kids, choose both!

Hi everyone 😊
My stepson who is 6years old and very very dangerously smart keeps coming out of his room and asking us if we have just called him.. we say no... to which he replies, oh it must be my imagination... why does he say this? I dont think its healthy or normal.. any advice would be great thanks.

Wait till your child is at school as this time will never come again and your time with your young child is precious. Hard choice but your child does come first. However, you could try it out, get a nanny, and make every second count at the weekends. Either way, sacrifices have to be made, I think you must do what you think will make you happier, as a resentful mother is not a goodness lace to be.