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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put my career before my child

954 replies

Madisonthecat · 12/04/2018 21:30

Before I get started I’ll start by saying I think I am but really need some advice from the wise women (and men) of Mumsnet.

Currently not working and have been offered two roles which is fantastic, know I’m really lucky.

Role 1 - three days a week, 9-5, public sector job. Pretty straightforward and could do it reasonably comfortably in the time allowed with little requirement for overtime I think.

Role 2 - amazing opportunity, great pay (£15,000 more than role 1) and amazing benefits. BUT.... it’s full time only, will probably require lots of overtime, travel and be pretty stressful day in day out. It’s a sector I love and would really enjoy getting back into.

What do I do? I would love to do role 2 and if I was childless would take it in a heartbeat. But I have a 3 year old and a partner who works long hours in a demanding role too and can’t help feeling that it’s really not in the best interests of my child to take it. My partner will do a few things around the house (cooking) but I definitely do the lions share of housework and 95% of childcare currently. My previous role after mat leave was 3 days a week and worked well for us as a family as I was happy to pick up the slack. We have no family support at all.

This time I guess I feel conflicted because it’s basically a dream job and I feel sad that as a Mum it feels seems you’re forced to choose between a varied, interesting and well rewarded career or putting your children first and taking something less challenging and with less pay but providing a much better work/life balance.

I will miss my child hugely if I take role 2 as it’s also a fairly long commute (1 hour each way) and would have to accept hardly seeing them on weeekdays. What would you do??

Btw I’ve put this in AIBU as I’m after quick responses. Need to confirm either way tomorrow. Help!

OP posts:
wrenika · 14/04/2018 15:49

I'd take role 2. You are more than a mum! I wouldn't sacrifice an opportunity like this if it is something you want.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 14/04/2018 15:55

Role 2. Your partner can pick up the slack. Why should your career and earning capacity suffer?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 14/04/2018 16:00

bucketlist fortunately you don’t get to decide what topics get “shut down” based on you thinking it’s ridiculous

Happinessisabook · 14/04/2018 16:02

Based on your original post, I would've said role 1 definitely. But that's based on what I would do if I was in your situation at my current age with my current career etc.
After reading your updates, it does sound like role 2 would be a better choice for you if you can get the flexibility you want. Either way, your dd will benefit, just in slightly different ways.
I hope they offer you the flexibility you would need to take the role, and you enjoy it. And if not, I'm sure you'll enjoy role 1 if you go for that too. Good luck Flowers

freegazelle · 14/04/2018 16:03

Like others have said, I'm sure your baby would be fine with good childcare and quality time if you took job 2.

Personally I wouldn't do it unless it was something that I was really really passionate about - ie, something that meant more to me than being a step up the ladder and better money. But that's just me.

Stickerrocks · 14/04/2018 16:10

Role 2. Although your child is only 3 now, they will soon be at school and before you know it, they will be spending less and less time with you anyway. I still have 20 years until I reach state retirement age and I'm lucky enough to have a great career which I love. Many of my friends are stuck in roles with little prospect of career progression or opportunity to work longer hours in the future. I hated being trapped at home and did return to work pretty much full time when DD was 4 months old, but I had worked so hard to build my career that there was no way I was willing to abandon it.

SkaPunkPrincess · 14/04/2018 16:23

I'm really shocked at how many people feel it's fine.

I feel children should have their parents available to them. Not too busy with work and other things.

Why did you have children if you just want to ship them out to childcare?

DH and myself both work but we have made sacrifices to make sure our children always have at least one of us there to care for them. (DH is the part timer for anyone who cares)

YoucancallmeVal · 14/04/2018 16:27

I think job 2. An opportunity like it may not come up again and it sounds fab.

willynillypie · 14/04/2018 16:49

This is the problem with mumsnet, there are people on here who just do not like anyone having a different opinion to them.

This!

Blaablaablaa · 14/04/2018 17:04

I hate to break it to some of you but there are actually plenty of well paid, senior jobs that allow both parents to be flexible enough to be active parents and support and facilitate each others careers. There are also some enlightened companies that allow and facilitate this too.

Also, those that say they make sure that either them or their partner are always available for childcare so the don't need to be cared for by anyone else. Really? Don't you ever have time together as a couple??

Highhorse1981 · 14/04/2018 17:14

BuntyII

My thoughts exactly

It’s men I feel sorry for. So much easier for a woman to become a SAHM or work part time than a man.

AvoidingDM · 14/04/2018 17:16

Blaablaablaa you find me two well paid jobs minimum of £40k each in construction with flexibility to support each others full time careers.
.

Blaablaablaa · 14/04/2018 17:27

Both me and DH earn over £40k each. My DH significantly more. We both have flexibility be active parents and facilitate each others careers. Both have been promoted since having DS.

I understand that not all roles or organisations allow for this but more certainly could. I think a big difference is that my DH has used the flexible working policy available to all employees.

These roles and organisations do exist

zsazsajuju · 14/04/2018 17:35

I don’t know anyone outside public sector with a good work life balance. I’d love a part time job, my job is high stress and I would love something that meant I could spend more time with dcs. But my field rarely has any part time jobs.

Op I would go for work life balance for yourself as well as dc.

jamimmi · 14/04/2018 17:47

Don't assume job 1 would be 7 hours with no overtime! I currently work 30 hours in the public sector. Or should I say that's what I should work. It's often another 8 hours a week at nights or weekends with no overtime payments just time back offered which is never taken. Unlike the comment above the public sector has a far worse work life balance than any of my friends in the private sector and runs on the good will of staff. Think about this when choosing which to take.

Strongmummy · 14/04/2018 17:55

If you’re going to feel resentful about taking role 1, take role 2. You can always leave if you doesn’t work out. Ensure you have good childcare and get a cleaner!!! I work full time and sometimes v long hours. I love my job and I am a happier mum for it (never contemplated being a SAHM or going part time, I wouldn’t find it fulfilling). My son may feel differently when he’s older of course and that’s his prerogative.

AvoidingDM · 14/04/2018 18:15

Blaablaa what sector are you in and location?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/04/2018 18:20

Just do what feels right OP

You will know what feels best .

Fuck what we all think ! As there is no right or wrong answer

Blaablaablaa · 14/04/2018 18:20

@waiting north of England and higher education. However, my sister has a similar set up and she works for the NHS and her DP is in engineering.

Blaablaablaa · 14/04/2018 18:21

Sorry wrong user name @avoiding

speakout · 14/04/2018 18:27

I do agree with posters who doubt that all jobs can be flexible.

I worked in a very male environment. The nature of the job meant long and unexpected hours, lots of travel, sometimes an "easy" day turned out not to be, and work could not be safely left.
OH works in a similar environment, although no safety issues, small companies mean all hands to the deck and he sometimes calls to tell me he is off to Dublin for two days or won't be back until midnight.

So no real flexibility. My job had the same inflexibility. I could not just down tools and leave, and the nature of my work meant that there was no predictability.
Once we had kids there was no way we could keep up with that.

Blaablaablaa · 14/04/2018 18:31

Of course not all jobs offer flexibility. I completely get that. However, this thread seems to be the home of sweeping generalisations and there seemed to be a consensus among some posters that their partners jobs were completely inflexible when that's simply not the case - unless they all happen to work in similar industries to you and your DP.

Turquoise123 · 14/04/2018 18:40

Go for it. Forget cleaning- use some of that extra cash to employ a cleaner. Sort your partner out. I have always worked long hours in stressful jobs. My children- now teenagers- look bemused and say” did you - but you were always there” So not bothered.... now they think it’s cool and actually seek my advice about careers. Obviously as they are teenagers this is the only area they seek advice on and the only thing they find cool about me

speakout · 14/04/2018 18:46

seek my advice about careers. Obviously as they are teenagers this is the only area they seek advice o

Go for it.
Love the dissonance.

GreenRut · 14/04/2018 18:46

I would take role 2. There is an assumption that role 2 is basically the devil incarnate, it just sounds like a FT job?! Yes of course something then has to give - but your dp sounds present and able to buffer that somewhat, and anything left will just be left!

I have a role 2 type job, travel, global responsibility level, and I still see my dc. Alot. Am currently hiding from them because I see them enough to mean I need to hide from them :)

It's weird to me that there might be an assumption that I don't! If anything - i would just advise that when you do take a role 2 type FT job, and still keep up the dc related stuff, there is minimal chance to ever feel like you've got time for anything else apart from what your boss or your dc want from you. I drop dcs to nursery and school and I'm logging on immediately. I finish on time to collect them and it's literal log off and straight into school gate territory. It can be, and is, draining at times. And no - my dh does not feel that particular strain because he just doesn't. It leads to many arguments. For me, it's worth the quarterly row to end all rows because I would not have my career derailed ostensibly to support my dh's. No way. It's a very personal choice, and not one of my friends have made the same choice, i'm the only one that did (and they all had careers, so to speak). But their choices are as valid as mine, we worry about the same things, we love our dcs the same. We're all trying to work out new ways to stuff secret vegetables into dinners and sobbing into our glasses of wine because we don't know when we'll next get a sleep through. The fact that the following morning I'm up and logging in while they are up and getting ready to meet friends for a day out changes nowt. We're all fucking exhausted.

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