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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put my career before my child

954 replies

Madisonthecat · 12/04/2018 21:30

Before I get started I’ll start by saying I think I am but really need some advice from the wise women (and men) of Mumsnet.

Currently not working and have been offered two roles which is fantastic, know I’m really lucky.

Role 1 - three days a week, 9-5, public sector job. Pretty straightforward and could do it reasonably comfortably in the time allowed with little requirement for overtime I think.

Role 2 - amazing opportunity, great pay (£15,000 more than role 1) and amazing benefits. BUT.... it’s full time only, will probably require lots of overtime, travel and be pretty stressful day in day out. It’s a sector I love and would really enjoy getting back into.

What do I do? I would love to do role 2 and if I was childless would take it in a heartbeat. But I have a 3 year old and a partner who works long hours in a demanding role too and can’t help feeling that it’s really not in the best interests of my child to take it. My partner will do a few things around the house (cooking) but I definitely do the lions share of housework and 95% of childcare currently. My previous role after mat leave was 3 days a week and worked well for us as a family as I was happy to pick up the slack. We have no family support at all.

This time I guess I feel conflicted because it’s basically a dream job and I feel sad that as a Mum it feels seems you’re forced to choose between a varied, interesting and well rewarded career or putting your children first and taking something less challenging and with less pay but providing a much better work/life balance.

I will miss my child hugely if I take role 2 as it’s also a fairly long commute (1 hour each way) and would have to accept hardly seeing them on weeekdays. What would you do??

Btw I’ve put this in AIBU as I’m after quick responses. Need to confirm either way tomorrow. Help!

OP posts:
Blaablaablaa · 13/04/2018 22:10

@starutopia no - it's society that decided that motherhood was enough in its own right. Not nature.

Blaablaablaa · 13/04/2018 22:11

@starutopia not everyone's job is 'meaningless corporate crap' some of us have jobs that are of great benefit to society

LoveInTokyo · 13/04/2018 22:18

Yeah, my mum was very capable too, but all potential employers saw was her age and the gap on her CV.

StarUtopia · 13/04/2018 22:19

blah So your job that is 'great benefit to society" is more important than your own child?

Again. Really don't understand it! FWIW my 'proper job' prior to kids was of great importance to society - I dropped it in a heartbeat. Nothing is more important that being there for my own flesh and blood. I contributed. I feel great that I did. But now, this is more important.

And that's bull that society determined motherhood was enough. It's society that has made women feel guilty about not working.

Original poster
Madisonthecat · 13/04/2018 22:21

Hi everyone

I wanted to update you as much as I’m able as you’ve all been so kind to share your views and experiences on this topic. I really appreciate all your posts even though it’s a decision I know only I/we can make for our family.

Without risking outing myself by providing too many details I’ve today pushed as hard as I can for some additional flexibility for role 2. If I can’t get the additional flexibility I’m after I’m pretty sure I’ll take role 1 and I feel comfortable with this.

Role 1 isn’t a bad role at all. It’s just not as stimulating/interesting/challenging as role 2, but I feel based on my DPs work commitments (he’s rarely home before 8.30pm) that one of us needs to be at home more and able to pick up the slack to provide the stability I want for my DD.

I may be being swayed by own experiences of growing up as the only child of a single parent. It was incredibly hard for my mum as she was the only provider and I remember often feeling sad that I couldn’t spend more time with her. We’re not wealthy by any means ( I think my DP is just a workaholic) but we’re comfortable enough for me to take the gas off my own career in order to be around more for my DD and I would like to do this if possible.

I had a ‘big’ job before I had my DD and was adamant after returning from mat leave that I wanted a role that would provide a better work/life balance. There’s no doubt I have felt frustrated by the compromises and lack of progression that decision has cost me over the last couple of years but at the same time I haven’t regretted it as I’ve loved having the extra time to spend with her.

I totally agree that while she’s at nursery it’s easier to pursue my own dreams and when she starts school it will be much more challenging. I think this is where the conflict lies. You’ve really made me think that I should give role 2 a go and leave if it doesn’t work out but I need to understand how flexible this company can be before I make that leap.

Those of you who say my DP needs to step up are absolutely right and I think he will on the housework but I know he doesn’t get the same joy of spending time messing about with DD as I do. He will do it because he’s her dad and we have a lot of fun at weekends but he will always be more motivated by work than me.

The biggest frustration for me is that in this day and age you still have to choose...as part time, family friendly roles in my industry anyway, mean limited roles with little room for progression as you’re just not viewed as dedicated enough. I know I could be ruthlessly dedicated working 4 days a week so this just doesn’t seem fair at all!

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/04/2018 22:22

Flaw in your logic,starutopia, not every does meaningless corporate crap
Numerous women out there doing useful & enjoyable jobs in retail,business,STEM,health and social care
Not at all stuck in meaningless corporate drudge

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/04/2018 22:25

The flexibility comes from your dp,he must change,lean in to support you
Good luck with pursuing role 2,you’ve chosen well imo

AssignedLazyAtBirth · 13/04/2018 22:25

Sounds like a plan, OP. I hope they provide you with enough flexibility for you to take job 2, it sounds fantastic.

mishfish · 13/04/2018 22:25

OP I hope role 2 is willing to be as flexible as you’ve requested!

Incrediblelife · 13/04/2018 22:26

Faultymain5

Ah, it's all coming out now isn't it? Thank you for clearing up your reasons for working. Your believe that SAHMS are more likely to get cheated on by their DH when he finds himself an attractive colleague. You think your husband would somehow see you in a different light compared to the glamorous women he meets at work. So, seeing you as more of an equal to them he is less likely to shag around.

I feel sorry for you, it's horrid to feel insecure in your marriage. Maybe try couple's counselling

Blaablaablaa · 13/04/2018 22:27

@star but the two needn't be mutually exclusive. Just because I work full time doesn't mean I love my child any less than you do. The same applied for my husband - not that the same judgement is ever applied to dad's.

I completely respect your choice to take a step back from your career and don't judge you for it. People need to choose what is right for them and their family.

Not once have I stated that my career is more important than my child. I have enough flexibility to allow me to be an excellent parent as well as an excellent employee. So does my husband.

To suggest that just because i have chosen to work full time means I don't love my child enough or prioritise them is incredibly offensive

Ktay · 13/04/2018 22:33

Sorry haven't RTFT but (in its link to this thread on the home page) I see MNHQ are once again using a woman-with-baby-and-laptop photo to illustrate the concept of flexible working. Most of us actually have proper childcare in place!

Blaablaablaa · 13/04/2018 22:35

@ktay I can just imagine how productive my working from home days would be if I didn't send DS to nursery 😂

LoveInTokyo · 13/04/2018 22:44

Good luck OP, I hope it works out.

BabiesComeWithHats · 13/04/2018 22:46

Ktay I literally came on here full of rage to type the exact same thing

Those pictures are lazy shorthand, usually used in newspapers, for 'working women', but they are NOT NOT NOT what actually having a job and small children looks like.

Yes, I occasionally have moments while I sneak a work email on my phone while they are zonked out in front of How to Train Your Dragon, but I know of NOT ONE SINGLE PARENT who has ever happily done a day's work with a baby dangling on her lap.

It does a massive disservice to all the women who make sure their working from home days are as productive, if not more so, than any other worker (or freelancer) by having paid for childcare in place with the child out of earshot. Employers, and non-parent co-workers, and - frankly - men, do not need this image of what a working mother looks like perpetuated any more. Stop it. Purrrlease.

Ktay · 13/04/2018 22:46

@Blaablaablaa same here!

Ktay · 13/04/2018 22:49

@BabiesComeWithHats you have put that much more eloquently than I could have. I also ranted them on twitter about it and included a copy of the pic. Would you believe it is saved as 'working mum'?! Shock

Blaablaablaa · 13/04/2018 22:51

@babies yes!! Exactly this 👏👏

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/04/2018 22:51

Completely agree the hacknied image of gorgeous but harried working mum baby propped on her lap,next to Mac book
It does us all a disservice

Incrediblelife · 13/04/2018 22:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

YoloSwaggins · 13/04/2018 22:55

@IncredibleLife, so are you saying dads don't love their kids and aren't into fatherhood? Because they usually work FT.

Why do you all have to rush back into work away from the beautiful children you have made just to prove you are worthy in this world?! That's the bit I genuinely do not understand. In the slightest.

Did you say that to your husband after he rushed back to work following 2 weeks paternity leave?

Some of these posts are full of utter sexist 1950s shite. Both parents made the baby, both are responsible for providing/looking after it in the way they think is best. Why is childcare the mum's sole responsibility? Oh, wait, it isn't.

YoloSwaggins · 13/04/2018 22:57

Let's hope she has some solid contraception in place to avoid another mistake.

This is literally so vile it's unreal. It's almost like the comments section of the Daily Mail.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/04/2018 22:58

Fear not incrediblelife,they op will find a Guantanamo bay style nursery that’ll keep the kid subdued
Suitably subdued not to disturb career mummy but alert enough to prepare a meal
And when child needs therapy mum won’t have to dig deep,she has buckets of dirty cash

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/04/2018 23:00

Incrediblelife is just being provocative for sake of it,she knows she’s being contentious
For a reaction

Original poster
Madisonthecat · 13/04/2018 23:00

Incredible. - this is clearly a subject you’re passionate about. I respect that.

Please note that I’ve also stated if I can’t get the flexibility we need as a family I will take role 1 and be happy to do so. For me, trying to make a success of that role will be the right choice for us all.

OP posts: