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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put my career before my child

954 replies

Madisonthecat · 12/04/2018 21:30

Before I get started I’ll start by saying I think I am but really need some advice from the wise women (and men) of Mumsnet.

Currently not working and have been offered two roles which is fantastic, know I’m really lucky.

Role 1 - three days a week, 9-5, public sector job. Pretty straightforward and could do it reasonably comfortably in the time allowed with little requirement for overtime I think.

Role 2 - amazing opportunity, great pay (£15,000 more than role 1) and amazing benefits. BUT.... it’s full time only, will probably require lots of overtime, travel and be pretty stressful day in day out. It’s a sector I love and would really enjoy getting back into.

What do I do? I would love to do role 2 and if I was childless would take it in a heartbeat. But I have a 3 year old and a partner who works long hours in a demanding role too and can’t help feeling that it’s really not in the best interests of my child to take it. My partner will do a few things around the house (cooking) but I definitely do the lions share of housework and 95% of childcare currently. My previous role after mat leave was 3 days a week and worked well for us as a family as I was happy to pick up the slack. We have no family support at all.

This time I guess I feel conflicted because it’s basically a dream job and I feel sad that as a Mum it feels seems you’re forced to choose between a varied, interesting and well rewarded career or putting your children first and taking something less challenging and with less pay but providing a much better work/life balance.

I will miss my child hugely if I take role 2 as it’s also a fairly long commute (1 hour each way) and would have to accept hardly seeing them on weeekdays. What would you do??

Btw I’ve put this in AIBU as I’m after quick responses. Need to confirm either way tomorrow. Help!

OP posts:
Blaablaablaa · 13/04/2018 23:02

@incrediblelife what a horrible, nasty post. I sincerely hope the OP doesn't come back and read the judgemental crap you have written.

Just because she has chosen an exciting, hopefully fulfilling career she must consider her child a mistake?? What utter tosh.

I looked forward to returning to work after mat leave but it doesn't mean I don't completely love and adore my ( very much planned and wanted ) DS.
As my DH returned to work after two weeks does this mean he doesn't love his son either?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/04/2018 23:02

It’s not about you singular making it work madison,it’s about you plural
Your dp must change,he must lean in,and be a better person

honeylulu · 13/04/2018 23:17

I feel sorry for you, it's horrid to feel insecure in your marriage. Maybe try couple's counselling

I feel sorry for you @Incrediblelife. It must be horrid to have such a poor grasp of grammar. Is that why you couldn't get a job? Maybe try putting your apostrophe in the right place.

Phuquocdreams · 13/04/2018 23:19

StarUtopia, I would be the first to admit I am lucky with my family, although I would rate the gift of a work ethic, love of learning (and travel) as higher than the financial assistance. That’s rather irrelevant though as my response was in respect of your proposition that the children of full-time working mothers would be desperately unhappy tormented by the memories of when their mother wasn’t there. In fairness, from my friends it seems that if you’re close to your mother/family (as most of my friends/family seem to be) you think however they did is the normal way and the way to emulate, whether your mum stayed at home, or worked. Horses for courses!

ZenNudist · 13/04/2018 23:40

Thread went crazy. Some serious judgement here. OP i think its mad to take role 1. Just make sure you leave in time to get dd, split sick days and appointments with your dh. Frankly i think even if you did role 1 YWBVU to expect to do all family things and your dh never do anything. Not a great employee.

If your dp is on megabucks i guess it doesn't matter but definitely get married. You would be truly thick to sacrifice your career further for a man who can technically piss off and leave you with CSA support if that.

Incrediblelife · 14/04/2018 00:11

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Incrediblelife · 14/04/2018 00:14

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LipstickHandbagCoffee · 14/04/2018 00:18

incrediblelife absent mothers who avariciously pursued cash,can afford therapy for the kids
Those husks have big purses and shallow hearts

minipie · 14/04/2018 00:19

WOW. FFS I thought MN was past all the stupid WOHM v SAHM bunfights. Can we stick to offering the OP advice - nicely?

applesandpears56 · 14/04/2018 00:23

The saddest thing I read on here is that people think it’s ok to put a 6 month old into nursery full time

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 14/04/2018 00:28

I know apples,they put babies in safe,regulated,ofsted inspected settings.who’d do that.

Xmasbaby11 · 14/04/2018 00:29

I'd personally choose option 1. I work 3 full days with a 4 and 6 yo and find it great. On my days off I love the time with the little one, and being able to take the big one to school and pick her up. My work life balance is so good and I enjoy my job when I'm there. Atm there's nothing that would persuade me to increase my hours, although this may change in future.

Job 2 sounds great though - depends how much you want It!

Choosegopse · 14/04/2018 00:29

Can you get an a nanny? Otherwise not worth it

DML13 · 14/04/2018 00:37

I would take job 2. In fact the job I have currently 'is a job 2', i.e full time and even extra hours to meet publication deadlines etc. My Dh is also career focused. I know myself I was never going to be a SAHM, it just wasn't me and I would regret not having my current job, I love the buzz i get from it. Yes it's tough, I 'outsource' such as hire a cleaner twice a month, I batch cook meals to save time week days and local babysitter helps out when needed. The time I do have with my son (3) is quality time. I believe it is quality and not quantity that matters mostly and he is happy. If he was miserable then yes, perhaps I would consider changing my job or dh job would need to change. It is a balance of your career ambitions and maternal ying/yang and how you might feel looking back years from now....would you regret it. Job 1 you can get at any time of life perhaps, but job 2... that opportunity might not come round so often.

applesandpears56 · 14/04/2018 00:37

Lipstick - 6 months...! Paid staff cannot love a child like a family member and the child grows up knowing it.

Incrediblelife · 14/04/2018 00:40

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Incrediblelife · 14/04/2018 00:56

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LipstickHandbagCoffee · 14/04/2018 00:59

Incrediblelife, Paid staff cannot love a child like a family member and the child grows up knowing it
I agree, get unpaid staff.why waste money? Double lock the door,whatever it takes
Keep the unpaid staff there until career mum returns in a fug of perfume & oblivion

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 14/04/2018 01:02

Oh my lookey at me,getting my oracles of moral turpitude mixed up.as you were apples
yes apples Paid staff cannot love a child like a family member and the child grows up knowing it
I agree, get unpaid staff.why waste money? Double lock the door,whatever it takes
Keep the unpaid staff there until career mum returns in a fug of perfume & oblivion

twohandstwokids · 14/04/2018 01:32

I would take role one. Since having kids I have knocked back a few roles I would have loved to take. I want to be there to be able to read at school. Do the occasional excursion. Etc.

If you want to take a logic/Finanical view chances are the extra work you put in for the £15k you will end up spending on extra help either around the house or in extra tutorial for your child.

What life do you want for your child and how do you fit in? Then make the decision from there.

Faultymain5 · 14/04/2018 06:45

@Incrediblelife. I don't think my husband is going to run off, but you see you spouting off about a working mother's non-existent designer handbag I thought I could throw in an extra unreal situation too, using insulting inflammatory language too. I mean, that's what we are doing aren't we, Making up reasons why people choose what they choose? Is that not what we are doing here? No.

I'm confident in my relationship, and I would consider relationship counselling something everyone should do before and during marriage. So thanks for the snide tip.

The point is your point of view is detrimental to women and sadly you will pass your nonsense on to the next generation.

My work doesn't validate me solely, but it is definitely a part of my make up. Self reliance is key to me. Setting that example is right for me.

The only thing in fact that would scare me is my mental wellbeing. Without that I'd be no use to my family. Sitting at home with children would affect that so I work. It doesn't affect you? Then that's fine. If being there for them all day every day doesn't affect you and completes you. Good for you, I think it's commendable. But judging me for making the most suitable choice for MY family as I said before GTFOH with that crap.

For me quality over quantity is better. For you it's not. I have consistently said this is fine. You have consistently pissed on someone seeking a different choice to yours. That's why you are wrong.

TeasndToast · 14/04/2018 07:12

@incrediblelife.

I agree with your sentiment but WHY doesn’t it happen? Because women who also want to work amazing jobs get told to get pets, that they don’t love their children the same as SAHP, that they only want to work to get designer stuff etc. None of these slurs are ever directed at men. If men shared the same stigma and personal attacks for working while also dating to be a father, companies would be more flexible and accepting of a home / work balance.

For as long as the attitudes towards women who want to work to provide for their families exist, that have been seen on this thread continue, companies will never accept men taking time off to allow mere women to see to anything except ‘wife work’

TeasndToast · 14/04/2018 07:13

dare to be fathers not date Confused

Bumpitybumper · 14/04/2018 07:16

Faultymain5 whilst is agree with the sentiment of your posts, I think the language you use is pretty inflammatory for SAHMs:

'The only thing in fact that would scare me is my mental wellbeing. Without that I'd be no use to my family. Sitting at home with children would affect that so I work.'
Yes, because SAHMs just sit at home with children Hmm it's this kind of comment that really undermines the SAHM role. I can tell you that as a SAHM I never spend a full day in the house EVER and I very rarely get to sit down. Being a SAHM can encompass loads of things with the aim of stimulating, educating and nurturing children. It may not be for you and that's fair enough, but please don't on one hand plead for people to be more accepting of your decision whilst undermining anyone who has decided to be a SAHM. This is also not helpful to women.

Faultymain5 · 14/04/2018 07:20

@Incrediblelife You are very hard of reading. Comprehension clearly not one of your gifts. The OP has said her DP's salary is more than hers, but they couldn't afford a nanny. So clearly not earning megabucks. She has outlined her life and yet still you have made inflammatory comments and twist the facts to suit your narrative.

I don't understand what you get from it. I really don't. Your last comment to the OP is shocking, and yet, coming from you, not.