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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put my career before my child

954 replies

Madisonthecat · 12/04/2018 21:30

Before I get started I’ll start by saying I think I am but really need some advice from the wise women (and men) of Mumsnet.

Currently not working and have been offered two roles which is fantastic, know I’m really lucky.

Role 1 - three days a week, 9-5, public sector job. Pretty straightforward and could do it reasonably comfortably in the time allowed with little requirement for overtime I think.

Role 2 - amazing opportunity, great pay (£15,000 more than role 1) and amazing benefits. BUT.... it’s full time only, will probably require lots of overtime, travel and be pretty stressful day in day out. It’s a sector I love and would really enjoy getting back into.

What do I do? I would love to do role 2 and if I was childless would take it in a heartbeat. But I have a 3 year old and a partner who works long hours in a demanding role too and can’t help feeling that it’s really not in the best interests of my child to take it. My partner will do a few things around the house (cooking) but I definitely do the lions share of housework and 95% of childcare currently. My previous role after mat leave was 3 days a week and worked well for us as a family as I was happy to pick up the slack. We have no family support at all.

This time I guess I feel conflicted because it’s basically a dream job and I feel sad that as a Mum it feels seems you’re forced to choose between a varied, interesting and well rewarded career or putting your children first and taking something less challenging and with less pay but providing a much better work/life balance.

I will miss my child hugely if I take role 2 as it’s also a fairly long commute (1 hour each way) and would have to accept hardly seeing them on weeekdays. What would you do??

Btw I’ve put this in AIBU as I’m after quick responses. Need to confirm either way tomorrow. Help!

OP posts:
MadMags · 13/04/2018 21:10

Nope, still don’t get it.

Was it a “even a MAN thinks it” thing?

Or is he incapable of posting himself, if he wants to get involved in the discussion?

Blaablaablaa · 13/04/2018 21:11

I think some people are confusing career with job. It might be easy for a middle aged woman who's been out of the workforce for years to get a job. A meaningful, fulfilling career with prospects is a different matter all together

Blaablaablaa · 13/04/2018 21:13

@madmags what are you going on about?? You're reading far too much into it.

windygallows · 13/04/2018 21:13

No child remembers having the best of everything due to their Mum earning great money. They just remember that she was never there.

Who remembers that their parent was 'never there'? What nonsense. What child wants mum 'always there??'

Wonder if the adult children of women who make such statements will wish mum wasn't 'always there' now that they're paying her way and she's living in the granny annex in the backyard due to making little pension provisions, having no money and choosing bucolic notions of short-term parenting over the long view.

MadMags · 13/04/2018 21:16

What do you mean, what am I on about? I thought it was fairly clear, no?

Blaablaablaa · 13/04/2018 21:17

@madmags nope...sorry. clear as mud

QuackPorridgeBacon · 13/04/2018 21:18

There are clearly some odd posters on here. I’m not sure why LipstickHandbagCoffee is being so dramatic and twisting what people are saying. Can you answer why you are getting on the way you are LipstickHandbagCoffee? Are some people really this weird and clearly living in their own bubble?

RockinRobinTweets · 13/04/2018 21:19

You spend a lot of time at work, finding a career that you enjoy is so so valuable compared to plodding along in a job.

I’d go for option 2 and pay for help in the home if at all possible.

We both did ft when we had a toddler and nursery but felt the need for one of us to reduce hours when school started - we felt more needed at that point.

I do not regret working ft when I had a toddler. I suspect dh never even thought twice about it.

This thread shows we’ve got an awfully long way to go until women and their careers are viewed as equally important as men’s. We’re all as capable to raise children and work. It’s what drives you - you should be able to work to your strengths.

la1976 · 13/04/2018 21:20

Hard call, but I think family life and your own mental health are more important than a job, no amount of money will help with the stress of trying to juggle home life and a demanding job! Good luck whatever you choose!

MadMags · 13/04/2018 21:21

@Baabaabaa I’m asking why you felt the need to share his opinion. You said it was because he couldn’t believe it was women posting.

Ok, so what was the point? Are we to react to the fact that a man thought it?

And of course men can and do post here. They just manage to do it for themselves...

Incrediblelife · 13/04/2018 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/04/2018 21:26

Hello quack you’ve risen up I see,what pithy observation you going to make about me
Any shortcomings you want to point out to me?no?yes?or did you cover it yesterday

Phuquocdreams · 13/04/2018 21:28

Incrediblelife 😂😂 are you a parody account?

Blaablaablaa · 13/04/2018 21:29

@madmags it was a passing comment. Don't read too much into it. I thought it was interesting that as an outsider ( as in someone who hadn't been involved in the whole discussion) the assumption was that women would be more supportive of each others choices . He was surprised that some of the vitrolic, misogynistic comments were from women. This has been commented on by other posters today so it's not a new perspective.

He could of course post this himself but it seems a little over the top to set up an account just to make that one comment.

MadMags · 13/04/2018 21:30

@Lipstick are you going to actually answer anyone’s questions?!

This thread is batshit!! 😂😂

@incrediblelife what about dads?

MadMags · 13/04/2018 21:31

This has been commented on by other posters today so it's not a new perspective.

No, it’s not. That’s why I wondered why it needed to be said at all...

RockinRobinTweets · 13/04/2018 21:32

Incrediblelife

Enjoying your children and enjoying your career aren’t mutually exclusive.

Equality is the equal opportunity for both mum and Dad to work as much as they want to, where financially viable.

There is no shame in wanting to be a working parent or a non working parent and neither should be judged.

The op expressed that the second role appealed to her more - that is perfectly acceptable, as is her other option.

Blaablaablaa · 13/04/2018 21:34

@starUtopia I love kids and I love being a mum. I also happen to love the career I've invested a lot of time, effort and money into.

However, I don't wear a power suit, drive a flashy car or go in there exotic holidays a year. I must have gone wrong somewhere.....

My DH is very proud of his equality obsessed wife. Just as I'm proud of my equality obsessed husband. We're enjoying raising an equality obsessed child so we can all be equality obsessed together!

Blaablaablaa · 13/04/2018 21:36

@madmags it has! Maybe not the suggestion that comments may have come from men but the lack of support and the number of judgemental comments have certainly been remarked upon.

Mamabear4180 · 13/04/2018 21:38

@mamabear I'm still a little confused as to why the fact toddlers grow up is a reason why you can't work full time. I have a toddler and I work full time and it works pretty well tbh

Not 'can't' don't want to. Why are you justifying yourself? I'm not! It's just a difference in opinion.

Faultymain5 · 13/04/2018 21:38

Oh I'm sorry. I thought mumsnet was for everyone not just sahms and mum's that have to work (presumably because when they stayed at home their abusive/cheating husband's left them for a colleague) and now doesn't want to pay for his ex or his kids. Just those types of women no one else is welcome.

@Incrediblelife just gtfoh. I beg of you. You're making a fool of yourself.

Blaablaablaa · 13/04/2018 21:38

@starutopia... apologies I also meant to tag @incrediblelife in that last post

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/04/2018 21:42

I’m lovin incrediblelife,you couldn't make that stuff up,unintentionally funny

Audreyhelp · 13/04/2018 21:52

I wish the OP would come back and let us know what she decided or have I missed it .?

StarUtopia · 13/04/2018 22:05

StarUtopia - funny enough, my mum worked full time and I don’t remember her never being there. I remember being secure in her love and admiring of her (if I’m honest, my sisters and I all have more respect for women who work though life has made me more tolerant and appreciative of others different choices). Of course what I do remember always are the fanatastic family holidays in the sun, the lack of debt following uni and freedom of knowing I would be financially supported no matter how long I wanted to study, the contributions towards wedding, help towards a house deposit....she’s a great role model. My dh had a working mother too, neither of us even considered me not working after children. It would just have been a strange idea!

Where do I start with this? Right. No one is saying don't work. I do work. The difference is, the work I do, comes SECOND after my children and doesn't interfere with their needs of being small. Contributions towards a wedding, financial support, house deposit all just given to you. Now, tell me this, how exactly did that make a good example??

Guess what. My parents both worked (at different times during my childhood) and whilst they would never have had me penniless on the streets, they taught me the value of hard work of your own and the great feeling of success that comes by standing on your own two feet and funding your own life choices.

Your parents just handed it to you on a plate by the sounds of it. How is this such a fabulous example to set?!

Loveintokyo Well for me, I was bloody good at my job and highly capable. I have absolutely no doubt at all that I will be able to find a 'dream career' much later . My personal belief is that a lot of women go back to work because they're so scared they wouldn't be able to get another decent job. Doesn't say a lot about their self belief, self esteem does it?! As it happens, I've now set up my own company and won't rely on some meaningless corporate crap to validate me in the future.

You're all trying to 'have it all' For goodness sake, nature determines that being a mother is good enough in its own right. Why do you all have to rush back into work away from the beautiful children you have made just to prove you are worthy in this world?! That's the bit I genuinely do not understand. In the slightest.

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