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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put my career before my child

954 replies

Madisonthecat · 12/04/2018 21:30

Before I get started I’ll start by saying I think I am but really need some advice from the wise women (and men) of Mumsnet.

Currently not working and have been offered two roles which is fantastic, know I’m really lucky.

Role 1 - three days a week, 9-5, public sector job. Pretty straightforward and could do it reasonably comfortably in the time allowed with little requirement for overtime I think.

Role 2 - amazing opportunity, great pay (£15,000 more than role 1) and amazing benefits. BUT.... it’s full time only, will probably require lots of overtime, travel and be pretty stressful day in day out. It’s a sector I love and would really enjoy getting back into.

What do I do? I would love to do role 2 and if I was childless would take it in a heartbeat. But I have a 3 year old and a partner who works long hours in a demanding role too and can’t help feeling that it’s really not in the best interests of my child to take it. My partner will do a few things around the house (cooking) but I definitely do the lions share of housework and 95% of childcare currently. My previous role after mat leave was 3 days a week and worked well for us as a family as I was happy to pick up the slack. We have no family support at all.

This time I guess I feel conflicted because it’s basically a dream job and I feel sad that as a Mum it feels seems you’re forced to choose between a varied, interesting and well rewarded career or putting your children first and taking something less challenging and with less pay but providing a much better work/life balance.

I will miss my child hugely if I take role 2 as it’s also a fairly long commute (1 hour each way) and would have to accept hardly seeing them on weeekdays. What would you do??

Btw I’ve put this in AIBU as I’m after quick responses. Need to confirm either way tomorrow. Help!

OP posts:
Faultymain5 · 13/04/2018 20:14

@Incrediblelife Wow just wow.

I hope OP has taken the job that she wants and is not guilted either way into PT or FT.

She neither needs to hover over a 3 year old nor set a corporate example unless she wants to.

Incrediblelife your post is crass but I hope MNHQ leave it up as a reminder of the crap women do to themselves with no need of help from a man. You are actually pitiful.

LittleSarah1 · 13/04/2018 20:17

Gosh I am in a similar situation without the offers yet. It feels so unfair that women struggle to find a challenging and dynamic senior role that can be done part time to balance our desire to see our children! I am 40 and spent a long time being exhausted at work working all hours and would miss my girls working an hour away 4 days a week. It might be worth making sure they want you in role 2 then negotiating. If they are a modern forward thinking company who are worth they’re salt they should’ve being flexible. If they aren’t now they never will be so you need to think about a future with them is right for you. If you could drop a day or work from home plus have a nanny which is often cheaper than Nursery and nicer for the children to be at home more, it might be doable. My partner works away 10 days at a time too so I would do everything at work and at home 🤣🤣

DalmatianSpots · 13/04/2018 20:19

I love the way @Incrediblelife had to pop back to correct the typo Grin like someone slamming the door and then having to sheepishly come back in to collect their coat.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/04/2018 20:21

Incrediblelife post is comedic,it needs to stay.to prove folk post such bilious rot
If it gets deleted and any of us recall it,no one will believe it,we will be accused of exaggeration

I mean come on...

Totally fascinates me why they actually bother to bring a child into the world in the first place. It isn't like gym membership you know, something you can give up on when you get bored.

ConciseandNice · 13/04/2018 20:27

I’m wondering if incrediblelife is my vitriolic and unsatisfied sister who spouted this shit at me when I was at law school, educating myself so that my kids could have a better life.

Mamabear4180 · 13/04/2018 20:28

@mamabear the implication was there. And your 'because they grow up' was equally as goady

It wasn't an implication so you jumped to conclusions on that. 'Because they grow up' was my answer to your question that you didn't need to ask.

MadMags · 13/04/2018 20:34

So let’s have less of the emotive “I can’t believe people see childcare as equivalent to housework!” posts, because I don’t think anyone has suggested that.

Well then let’s have less misogynistic bullshit about histrionics, shall we? Especially when people are making stuff up to suit their own agenda.

It’s beyond bizarre to take offence to something that doesn’t apply to you in any way.

Just because your posts didn’t make the comparison, doesn’t mean some posts didn’t.

YearOfYouRemember · 13/04/2018 20:35

I'm laughing at the wankiness of the poster saying kids "adore" being able to say their mum works full time GrinHmm

Blaablaablaa · 13/04/2018 20:35

@mamabear I'm still a little confused as to why the fact toddlers grow up is a reason why you can't work full time. I have a toddler and I work full time and it works pretty well tbh

Sally2791 · 13/04/2018 20:36

Child first. It's not a question of whether you regret it, the little person who has no say would want you there, and you can't get those years back

Blaablaablaa · 13/04/2018 20:39

I've just read some of these posts to my DH and he was astounded that they were written by women. He couldn't understand why a woman would have any issue with another woman choosing to pursue a career after children.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/04/2018 20:40

Well my little people don’t fill the fridge or pay mortgage they don’t get a say. At all
would I leave a big decision like my employment to my kids. Hell no

StarUtopia · 13/04/2018 20:43

Incrediblelife

100% agree with you. I realise we will be in the minority, but come on. . No child remembers having the best of everything due to their Mum earning great money. They just remember that she was never there. When you're fortunate enough to have a choice, should always be small person first. And the reason Dad's don't get it in the neck is because, like it or not, kids mainly want their Mum first.

StarUtopia · 13/04/2018 20:44

blah I can't understand why ANY woman would put a career in front of children. The moment you choose to bring children into this world, is the moment most of us become less selfish and do put someone else first.

No one is saying you can't have a career later.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/04/2018 20:44

Dads don’t get it in neck because presumably they’re expected to be earning £££

Scarlet1234 · 13/04/2018 20:47

A lot of people on here are picking up on the pay differences between the two jobs. But from the OP's post it seems that it's not just about the money. It's the difference between a okayish job and a dream career opportunity.

The other two things that I picked up on: the OP's child is 3 now so they'll be moving to 5 days at school soon anyway and the OP isn't currently employed and has a wealthy partner (so presumably has the freedom to give up work temporarily if either job doesn't work out).

OP, from what you've said I think you should consider job 2. Perhaps you could negotiate a day WFH so that you can attend sports days etc once your child is at school? Even if you do the job for a year or so it sounds as though it will be worth it to have gained the experience in your dream career. If you were choosing between ordinary part time and full time jobs then I'd say go for part time (particularly as you don't need the money) but it's the fact you've said the full time one is your dream job that makes me say go for that one.

MadMags · 13/04/2018 20:52

I've just read some of these posts to my DH and he was astounded that they were written by women

Ah, a man has given his opinion. We can all stop posting.

Blaablaablaa · 13/04/2018 20:57

@starutopia I strongly disagree with everything you say.

Both my DH and I are EQUALLY important to our son. Because we have BOTH taken on a caring role from day one he does not favour me over his dad. He knows he gets taken care of by both or either of us.

You are suggesting that women who chose to persue a career are intrinsically selfish. Of course your priorities change when you have children but that doesn't mean your life and career has to stop or even change that much. It's not choosing your career over your child - believe it or not it is possible to have both!

Shock horror - I have a child and a successful career. Don't tell anyone but I also still like going out drinking and dancing ....with my DH which means we occasionally use childcare on a weekend too. We must be selfish, terrible parents

Blaablaablaa · 13/04/2018 20:58

@madmags are men not allowed an opinion?

Phuquocdreams · 13/04/2018 20:58

StarUtopia - funny enough, my mum worked full time and I don’t remember her never being there. I remember being secure in her love and admiring of her (if I’m honest, my sisters and I all have more respect for women who work though life has made me more tolerant and appreciative of others different choices). Of course what I do remember always are the fanatastic family holidays in the sun, the lack of debt following uni and freedom of knowing I would be financially supported no matter how long I wanted to study, the contributions towards wedding, help towards a house deposit....she’s a great role model. My dh had a working mother too, neither of us even considered me not working after children. It would just have been a strange idea!

MadMags · 13/04/2018 21:00

@Blaablaablaa just out of curiosity, what made you decide to share with everyone what your husband’s opinion was?

Incrediblelife · 13/04/2018 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Blaablaablaa · 13/04/2018 21:07

@madmags the sheer ridiculousness of what I've read over the last 24 hours. Instead of women supporting each others choices I've seen pure vitriol and judgement. He assumed that some of the mysognistic comments were from men and was surprised they came from women.
His opinion matches others that have been expressed today I didn't realise that because he's a man it was t allowed 🙄

LoveInTokyo · 13/04/2018 21:08

“No one is saying you can't have a career later.”

Because of course it’s so easy for a middle aged woman with a long career gap to walk straight into her dream job when she decides she’s ready.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/04/2018 21:09

Incrediblelife,you remain as sardonic as ever
I love your thinking, a food preparing toddler wholl do the grunt work when mum exhausted
Maybe get the lass up the chimney too,she little enough to scamper up

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