To put my career before my child

[Madisonthecat]

Before I get started I’ll start by saying I think I am but really need some advice from the wise women (and men) of Mumsnet.

Currently not working and have been offered two roles which is fantastic, know I’m really lucky.

Role 1 - three days a week, 9-5, public sector job. Pretty straightforward and could do it reasonably comfortably in the time allowed with little requirement for overtime I think.

Role 2 - amazing opportunity, great pay (£15,000 more than role 1) and amazing benefits. BUT.... it’s full time only, will probably require lots of overtime, travel and be pretty stressful day in day out. It’s a sector I love and would really enjoy getting back into.

What do I do? I would love to do role 2 and if I was childless would take it in a heartbeat. But I have a 3 year old and a partner who works long hours in a demanding role too and can’t help feeling that it’s really not in the best interests of my child to take it. My partner will do a few things around the house (cooking) but I definitely do the lions share of housework and 95% of childcare currently. My previous role after mat leave was 3 days a week and worked well for us as a family as I was happy to pick up the slack. We have no family support at all.

This time I guess I feel conflicted because it’s basically a dream job and I feel sad that as a Mum it feels seems you’re forced to choose between a varied, interesting and well rewarded career or putting your children first and taking something less challenging and with less pay but providing a much better work/life balance.

I will miss my child hugely if I take role 2 as it’s also a fairly long commute (1 hour each way) and would have to accept hardly seeing them on weeekdays. What would you do??

Btw I’ve put this in AIBU as I’m after quick responses. Need to confirm either way tomorrow. Help!

Bumpity silly is your sweeping global statements and feeling sorry for kids who are simply burdensome
You do make some v histrionic statements.your sorrow,the kids who are mere impediments

Hi OP, I think you might have made your decision by now but I thought I might add...
My mum was a SAHM when we were little then pt. But she wasn’t really that interested. My dad worked ft, long commute, often didn’t get home for bedtime. But when he was around he really made the time count. It’s him I spent time with at the weekend, him who helped me with my homework. My mum clearly resented the life she had as she went ft when I was in my teens and then left for a better life. I don’t think this is a black and white choice and you need to do what’s best for your family, short and long term. You also need to be honest with yourself, resentment and boredom are good for no one.
Wishing you all the best with your decision

Lipstick I object to everything in your post. I don't make global statements, quite the opposite. I don't make histrionic statements.

Your apparent inability to quote me properly and your preference to substitute what I have written with some extreme version tenuously connected to my posts just makes me wonder what your agenda is.

I find your posts & tone objectionable and histrionic.Fri 13-Apr-18 16:41:41
I end up feeling sorry for these children who are seen primarily as just a burden and an impediment to their parents' careers
I’ll ask again
Tell me,how did you come to this conclusion
Qualitative or quantitative data?observational study?longitudinal study?
Or just make it up,on the hoof on mn

Lipstick, you might want to tone down the drama and overreactions if you’re going to accuse other posters of histrionics.

Bumpity was agreeing with a post of mine where I said I didn’t like children being lumped in with housework as an inconvenience or a chore that needs to be ticked off.

She didn’t say she was crying, so no need to dry her eyes.

She didn’t say that she was talking about the children of all working parents. Nor did I.

So what exactly is your point?

I wouldn't work full time with a toddler.

I await bumpity reply,not yours

I don’t think I have seen anyone equating childcare to a chore.

But like housework, it is a job that needs to be done, either by one parent or the other parent or by someone else the parents pay to do it.

If the OP is currently doing the housework and the childcare then when she goes back to work her partner will need to do a bigger share, or they will need to outsource some of it, or a combination of both.

That doesn’t mean people see childcare as the equivalent of housework. But it is unpaid work which needs to be done by one of you when you are not out at work elsewhere, or you need to pay someone else to do it.

And unlike housework, childcare needs to be done at specific times and if you do it yourself it limits your ability to work outside the home.

So let’s have less of the emotive “I can’t believe people see childcare as equivalent to housework!” posts, because I don’t think anyone has suggested that.

I would take role 2 but make sure your DP is pulling his weight and not prioritising his career over yours. I’d also recommend that both of you work on your careers now as the time when flexibility is required is when the kids are at school and not when they’re at nursery. Don’t get sucked into the whole “they’re only little once” concept. They still need you when they’re older, it’s just the needs are different and you might be glad you have a well paid job then.

@mamabear why not?

Lipstick I agree with MadMags who pretty accurately and concisely sums up the situation as I see it. I appreciate you've now progressed from not quoting at all to quoting out of context. Your failure to include the part where I state specifically which children I'm talking about completely alters how the text you pasted could be read. Again though, let's not pretend you didn't know that.

I don't think we are adding much to OP's thread and probably detracting from it so let's end our disagreement here?

Lol,Naturally you agree😉 she piled in writing a post supporting you
You’re unlikely to say, you know what on balance lipstick is onto something

Lipstick Well it's not surprising I agree with her as the post you take offence at was written in response and agreement of one of her posts.

Just for clarity, irrespective of MadMags agreeing or disagreeing with me, I still don't think 'on balance' that you're right and I never will. Let's just agree to disagree.

I would go for job 2 if that is what you would love to do, maybe it will lead to opportunities where you can work more flexibly in the future, to you being happier which is better for your family. If it's too much and it doesn't work out you can always leave and try something else. Good luck whatever you decide. I think if there is something you really want to do you can always find a way. You could be a role model for your child to follow their dreams!

blaablaablaa because toddlers grow up

@mamabear of course they do. What's that got to do with working full time?

A woman's DC is not more important than her, nor is her DP. A family is made up of equal individuals and everyone has the right to have their needs and wants met. I can't fathom why someone has to be singled out the one to make all the scrifices. Everyone, including the DC, should do their bit. I am not a martyr, I'm my own person and I will not feel guilty for prioritising my own needs in equal measure to that of my DC.

Also, just to say, I certainly wouldn't be going around telling my DP to do xyz so I can do abc either. He wouldn't dictate to me which chores I should be doing so I wouldn't do it back. But then we respect each other and come to mutual agreements about how we're going to structure our lives.
...IMO

@mamabear of course they do. What's that got to do with working full time?

ummm..

@incrediblelife thanks for that insightful, judgemental post.

Do you actually live in the real world or have we time travelled back to the 1950's.

I'm one of those 'selfish' parents you talk about. I don't need to work at all but I do - full time too. And guess what ....so does my husband yet nobody ever calls him selfish.

You’re a hoot incrediblelife,your post is proper mn bingo,extra points too
New absent mummy,isn’t she a lucky girl. I bet she can’t see through the tears
Having kids isn’t like gym membership I agree my kids don’t give me fluffy towels or premium toiletries

Brilliant post,in all its vitriol

@mamabear that's not an answer. Please explain to me why working full time when you have toddler is an issue.

Did I say that it was? I believe I said that I wouldn't. You might not like my answer 'toddler's grow up' but you did ask why not so that is my answer. The biscuit icon is because you're being deliberately goading and there's no reason to be.

@mamabear the implication was there. And your 'because they grow up' was equally as goady