To put my career before my child

[Madisonthecat]

Before I get started I’ll start by saying I think I am but really need some advice from the wise women (and men) of Mumsnet.

Currently not working and have been offered two roles which is fantastic, know I’m really lucky.

Role 1 - three days a week, 9-5, public sector job. Pretty straightforward and could do it reasonably comfortably in the time allowed with little requirement for overtime I think.

Role 2 - amazing opportunity, great pay (£15,000 more than role 1) and amazing benefits. BUT.... it’s full time only, will probably require lots of overtime, travel and be pretty stressful day in day out. It’s a sector I love and would really enjoy getting back into.

What do I do? I would love to do role 2 and if I was childless would take it in a heartbeat. But I have a 3 year old and a partner who works long hours in a demanding role too and can’t help feeling that it’s really not in the best interests of my child to take it. My partner will do a few things around the house (cooking) but I definitely do the lions share of housework and 95% of childcare currently. My previous role after mat leave was 3 days a week and worked well for us as a family as I was happy to pick up the slack. We have no family support at all.

This time I guess I feel conflicted because it’s basically a dream job and I feel sad that as a Mum it feels seems you’re forced to choose between a varied, interesting and well rewarded career or putting your children first and taking something less challenging and with less pay but providing a much better work/life balance.

I will miss my child hugely if I take role 2 as it’s also a fairly long commute (1 hour each way) and would have to accept hardly seeing them on weeekdays. What would you do??

Btw I’ve put this in AIBU as I’m after quick responses. Need to confirm either way tomorrow. Help!

applesandpears - yes it is so depressing. I am not knocking your choice at all but it is depressing that we are pushing these choices on ALL women and touting it as the only version of women working post children.
It isn't.
Its ONE option.
I really love both my children and my job (actually possible!) and would suggest that your description of your job/work in general would suggest option one isn't quite so blinking peachy!

Apples you're describing work in dystopian way.is that your salutory experience?
My experience of working is a job I love,career i trained hard for,and continue to love it

What did you decide OP?

For me it's pretty clear - either role involve you being away from your child, so choose the one that potentially could make your heart sing. Go with the job that you think you'll enjoy, life is just too short to do a job you're simply going through the motions with if there's a better alternative.

Your concerns about role 2 are valid - can you raise them with your potential employer and say that while you want to snap their hands off, you also have obligations at home that can't be ignored or overlooked - is there opportunity to work some days from home, or have flexi time, or reduce the hours a fraction to include two early finishes a week?

I work. I have to, I've never had a choice. But, through making some tough choices along the way and working my backside off, I now earn 4 x my old salary, work the hours that work best for me, and my children haven't been damaged along the way. With the extra money, I pay for a cleaner and someone to do my ironing, and I finish early twice a week for school pick, my husband finishes early twice too, it really works.

Go with what feels right, you can make things fit...

applesandpears, why are you assuming it will be an awful job working for a “soulless company”?

The OP has been for interview, met these people, and describes it as her “dream job”.

Did you even read her post?

Madmags I couldn't agree more and wrote something similar earlier. I end up feeling sorry for these children who are seen primarily as just a burden and an impediment to their parents' careers. Of course the vast vast majority of working parents, including those in demanding jobs requiring long hours away from home, don't think like that, but some of the posts I've seen on this thread definitely venture dangerously close to this territory.

Prancing I'd have another form of guilt if I spent time reading and seeing friends while DH was working full time!

@applesandpears56 what if you enjoy working? What if the company you work for isn't soulless and is actually a benefit to society? What if your child enjoys being in childcare?

cuntpuffin five years of breastfeeding and co sleeping and ten years of getting up with the dcs and being in charge of all the wifework - I think, for now, I deserve the odd latte!

More to life than a few quid in the bank how much would you spend in childcare and how much pre tax and Ni would you

What did you decide, OP?

@involveddad there's more to a career than money

applesandpears I enjoy my work. May I suggest you speak for you. My life is for doing what I like to do. which includes work and being with my children. Can't see why some people are finding that difficult to understand.

More to life than a few quid in the bank

More to work that this. The op will be making higher pension contributions, she will be earning more so she can afford to buy more experiences/activities/holidays for her DS if she wants, she will have satisfaction from doing something she enjoys. Work is much more than a few quid in the bank for lots of people.

My mum was a sahm when we were little as it was the done thing. It was nice but tbh I can't remember a lot of the time being at home with her when I was little. She has also worked full time when I was a bit older - I don't resent her for that one second- she enjoyed her job and was good at it, and we could afford the odd holiday because of it which I do remember!

I end up feeling sorry for these children who are seen primarily as just a burden and an impediment to their parents' careers
Dry your tears now,compose yourself try not to lose it over the children,Bum pity

Tell me,how did you come to this conclusion
Qualitative or quantitative data?observational study?longitudinal study?
Or just make it up,on the hoof on mn to support a spurious position

Yes, dry your eyes. I suspect this is far more traumatic for the parents than it is for the children.

OP I'm coming back again to say do choose Role 2. You will kick yourself if you don't. I did what you did - I left my dream job after just a few months for some of the reasons you cite and I still feel sad about it years later. And guess what - I ended up getting a lower paid job that ended up being just as bloody stressful (since pretty much all jobs in the 21st century ARE stressful) and it's taken me 10 years to climb back to the salary I was on. Now the level I'm at has more seniority and as I'm not micromanaged I have much more flexibility to leave early or WFH.

BTW, all the while exDH continued swimmingly in his FT job not worried one jot about the implications of him working FT.

Go for it OP!

Yes, dry your eyes. I suspect this is far more traumatic for the parents than it is for the children.

Doesn’t seem like it from the thread, does it?

Lipstick and LoveinTokyo
This is just getting silly now. I say that some posters here imply that they see children as a burden and an impediment to their careers and I feel sorry for those kids. At no point do I say I'm weeping for them or have suffered any extreme emotional reaction. I think we all know that and you are just keen to undermine and ridicule me to invalidate what I've written.

I would be grateful if you could clarify what spurious position I am allegedly trying to support? I would need to understand this first before I could cite any studies.

Secondly, what exactly is more traumatic for parents than children?

Apart from the ones suggesting that if you love your children then being at home is a “no brainer”.

Take the bigger job, use the extra money to cover additional childcare so that you don't need to stress about pick ups etc, and to pay for a cleaner (or more hours, if you already have one).

Families all work in different ways. Someone else's experience (of choosing to go PT or wishing they had) is not necessarily relevant to you. You sound really passionate and excited about Job 2, so take it.

I also think that, if you soft-pedal your career, you'll end up bored and frustrated at home and that's no good for anyone. Some of the people I know with the best relationships with their children are those who also love their jobs- having work you love is energising and exciting and makes you a better parent not a worse one.

Well I worked for a family where the mother was absolutely torn apart by guilt that her daughter spent so much time being looked after by others, and the daughter was as happy as Larry and had a close and loving relationship with her parents and was more sociable and better adjusted than her younger sibling who had her mother at home the whole time.

The working mother’s guilt is obviously real and prevalent, but are the children actually damaged by it? Probably not.

LoveinTokyo Yes I agree it doesn't necessarily damage the child and sometimes the mother's guilt is much worse and totally unnecessary. There have been a few posters with similar stories from their own childhood posting on here.

In other cases, some of which are also posted on here, the children do feel that they were detrimented by having both parents working two FT jobs leaving little time to spend with them.

It's something each family must look at carefully as kids have differing levels of resilience and don't all require the same amount of time or attention from their parents.

I’ve gone with number 1. But in practice part time working for me hasn’t really been part time. I’ve done at least a day week extra and I’m a bit frustrated by the limitations I have over hours. But, I love having my days off, even if it means getting up at 5am to work on my non-working days.

Good grief. It amazes me the amount of people on here that think having a career means ‘missing out on your children’s lives’ or prioritising work over family. I love, love my job. I also love love my 5 kids. I had shit jobs but I stuck at it so that I’d still have a career when they were older. My two adult children are none the worse for having a mother who worked hard.

My sister stayed at home throughout her kids childhoods. They have just left for university. She is now going back to uni, but she has no work experience, few saleable skills in comparison to people who are younger and lacks the confidence so necessary in the workplace. It’s a shame.

It doesn’t need to be either or. God it pisses me off. Seriously when your kids are older teenagers, they want your money not your bloody shepherds pies. Good luck to any woman who doesn’t lean in and try for what will fulfil her the most. Frankly, though some won’t like it, motherhood isn’t as fulfilling for all women as they would want. It just isn’t. It can be exhausting, intellectually stultifying, frustrating and long hours. I did it for 4 years. Hats off to anyone who manages it for longer.

it's something each family must look at carefully as kids have differing levels of resilience and don't all require the same amount of time or attention from their parents.
I agree. I think it can sometimes be quite lonely for an only child in this situation especially if they are being shunted between after school clubs/holiday clubs etc. One of my DCs has a friend in this position and I frequently feel sorry for him when I pick my DC up earlier than he is- He always comes over to talk to me and looks so sad to be left behind. He would probably benefit from a part-time nanny or childminder instead so he got a bit more one to one adult attention. Other children do thrive in the club though, like my DC (who isn’t there so often or for so long each day)