To put my career before my child

[Madisonthecat]

Before I get started I’ll start by saying I think I am but really need some advice from the wise women (and men) of Mumsnet.

Currently not working and have been offered two roles which is fantastic, know I’m really lucky.

Role 1 - three days a week, 9-5, public sector job. Pretty straightforward and could do it reasonably comfortably in the time allowed with little requirement for overtime I think.

Role 2 - amazing opportunity, great pay (£15,000 more than role 1) and amazing benefits. BUT.... it’s full time only, will probably require lots of overtime, travel and be pretty stressful day in day out. It’s a sector I love and would really enjoy getting back into.

What do I do? I would love to do role 2 and if I was childless would take it in a heartbeat. But I have a 3 year old and a partner who works long hours in a demanding role too and can’t help feeling that it’s really not in the best interests of my child to take it. My partner will do a few things around the house (cooking) but I definitely do the lions share of housework and 95% of childcare currently. My previous role after mat leave was 3 days a week and worked well for us as a family as I was happy to pick up the slack. We have no family support at all.

This time I guess I feel conflicted because it’s basically a dream job and I feel sad that as a Mum it feels seems you’re forced to choose between a varied, interesting and well rewarded career or putting your children first and taking something less challenging and with less pay but providing a much better work/life balance.

I will miss my child hugely if I take role 2 as it’s also a fairly long commute (1 hour each way) and would have to accept hardly seeing them on weeekdays. What would you do??

Btw I’ve put this in AIBU as I’m after quick responses. Need to confirm either way tomorrow. Help!

In reality no employer will put up with you taking a day off every time your child has a cold temperature etc .

I don't think it necessarily is putting career before child if you take job 2. If it's a lot more money you will afford help in the house and your child will grow up with a good role model of a mother who has a career that is enjoyable and fulfilling and pays well. But it's your decision.

nominced quite hard to argue with someone who a. clearly hasn’t read the OP and b. simply sinks to personal attacks when people don’t agree with them.

This is a very depressing read.
From the people who have done one or the other and have regrets. What I would say to you is how can you be certain you would be happier if you’d took the other option? You really can’t. You made a decision you thought was best so yeh not to regret it.

Then there are the Sahms pitied and sneered it by working mums, and some working mums vilified by the opposite.

Each family and situation will be different but surely it has to come down to what you are most willing to sacrifice, money and career or time with dc, and neither is wrong.

Finally Lots of scaremongering aswell, as in if you take time out of work or reduce hours for dc, that’s it you will never have a high earning/better position.
What rubbish, I’ve known people start new careers in their 40s and make a success of it.

Personally I would take role 1. Your life will be less stressful. And I would advise that to a mum or a dad.

But then neither me or my husband are 'career' people and both do a 'role 1' type job though

My parents both worked full time when we were growing up. They are both loving parents. We enjoyed 2-3 holidays aboard a year, as well as lots of weekends & summers in a second (UK seaside) home where they brought work with them. They have assisted in university fees, the purchase of our house & weddings.
However, I & my siblings would have given all the money/ holidays back to have some attention from our parents. They may have been there in body but they more often had to be on the end of a phone or continually working (even on our abroad holidays).
Our experience has made us think about what being a parent is about so because of this I’m a SAHM & my sisters work varying PT jobs (with older kids).
Money isn’t everything (& neither is soft play), but uninterrupted attention & interacting with your kids is.

I've not read the whole thread. But, I took job 2 when my baby was 9 months, I've never regretted anything more in my life. He's now 5, I collapsed with exhaustion last year and haven't worked since. I look back and wish so much that I'd been there to play with him, to take him to groups etc. He had an amazing nanny which at the time I thought was enough, now I know it should have been more of me

Just to say I know plenty of dads (including my own) who bitterly regret putting their career over their children.

What did you decide OP? Wishing you all the best, whichever one you choose

I think this is about balancing career satisfaction and your guilt at potentially leaving your child.
The choice ultimately is yours and there is not a right answer just one you can live with, but as others have said no decision you make is permanent, all things change and you can reverse your decision in 12 months if you make the wrong one!
The only issue is that taking role 1 will potentially pigeon hole you in future years if you want to step up to a role 2 down the line. I know not everyone's careers are hampered but many are and it's never easy to just step back up!
Personally, I would take role 2 if you could build in some flexibility, which you often can. Maybe start and finish earlier with your DP doing morning duties, enabling you to get back at a reasonable time.

@AmazingAlice What rubbish, I’ve known people start new careers in their 40s and make a success of it.

She's already 40. you're talking about getting the same opportunity 7-10 years from now. I think you'll find less 50+ year olds doing so. Not to mention by that stage (and in my experience) kids need more. Logically it would make sense to work her way up now to give her more flexible options later.

I agree about now being the time too - my 8 year old minds a lot more about her childcare options than the toddler.

Dh and I always say ‘no decision is irreversible’. It’s true that it’s a faff to look for a new job - I got a slew of flexibility in the last 2 jobs I had as when I decided to stop travelling for the sale of my dc, they decided they could live with it as I was a known quantity by that point. Firms will do more for established and useful staff than they may commit to upfront.

Yes faulty and in two years time she will only be 42.
Her dc will be five she could have had more time with them and by that Point, when they are settled in school feel ready for full time without the guilt that goes with it.

You need the support of your husband to make option 2 work. Could you work this out? Could he change his job/ hours to make this work for the family?

Job 2. Especially given the additional info in your more recent post.

I didn't work after having my youngest but retrained into a hugely demanding career when he started school. A few years on, both kids remember NOTHING about the time I was at home with them. Not a sausage! They do, however, love us having a bit more money now, my daughter is ridiculously proud of me going back to Uni and tells anyone who will listen about my super-important job (I'm a midwife, so it ain't big bucks, but is is important!).

Roles like Job 2 don't come up that often, especially when you're over 40 and haven't got anything similar recent on your CV.

Thake Job 2. Take your child out of nursery and with the money saved there and the extra from the new job, get a Nanny. Or keep nursery and get an au pair (several girls on my degree did this - absolute lifesaver for unsociable hours). That way your child will still have someone to run them to activities etc if you can't. And it saves a lot of stress with "whose turn it is to get the kid" etc etc

Do NOT sacrifice your independance and future earning ability by limiting yourself now. You'll have the means to make weekends fun and take fabulous holidays. Your child will remember that.

My parents both worked full time when we were growing up. They are both loving parents. We enjoyed 2-3 holidays aboard a year, as well as lots of weekends & summers in a second (UK seaside) home where they brought work with them. They have assisted in university fees, the purchase of our house & weddings.
However, I & my siblings would have given all the money/ holidays back to have some attention from our parents. They may have been there in body but they more often had to be on the end of a phone or continually working (even on our abroad holidays).
Our experience has made us think about what being a parent is about so because of this I’m a SAHM & my sisters work varying PT jobs (with older kids).
Money isn’t everything (& neither is soft play), but uninterrupted attention & interacting with your kids is.

Rather easier to say when you didn’t have to pay for your wedding, university or a house, don’t you think?*

I'd take role two in a heartbeat. In myself, I'd be happier for it; and I'd be a better mum because of that.

Looking back from where I am now,DC late teens,I do think they need you more when they are older
While O am sure it can be lovely being a SAHP to pre school kids I honest don't think it makes as much difference to the children as we might think As long as their basic needs are well met
It's all they know
But when they go to primary they see that some parents drop and pick up every day ,can have play dates etc
And a lot of primary school assume there is a SAHP (ok Mum!) to bake a cake/make a costume/ come to an assembly with no notice
And when they are at High school 9 days out of 10 they don't really need you but when they do need you a nanny won't work

I worked hard when mine were pre school
When they went to school DH and I both changed hours so one of us did the drop off and pick ups
We are both now very senior and although DC are very independent we can both take time off if they need support eg during exam times
OP do what you think is best and ignore the people who are taking extreme positions to support their own decision (although I accept I am doing that !)

Such a hard call OP, so many factors to consider. Will you and your DP be getting married soon? If not, i think I would take job 2 because it really is true that you have far less legal protection/financial protection if you are not married and the relationship breaks down. You also sound like you love your profession and job 2 would be fulfilling for you.

However, how are you generally with managing stress? Some people cope better than others and I think we all need to be honest with ourselves about that, because the ‘dream job’ won’t necessarily feel like a ‘dream life’ if you’re feeling chronically stressed.

So if you have no plans to get married and handle stress ok, I’d go job 2 and hopefully in combo with a cleaner and full time nanny to ease some of the stress

Yes you do have to decide what you want most, more time with your dc, or better financial security and an exciting job, perhaps even better prospects further on. You can always find reasons for doing either.

One thing which this thread bears out : whatever you do, at some points you’ll feel guilty about some aspect of it, children are always going to be vocal about the downsides of their situation.

@AmazingAlice Yes faulty and in two years time she will only be 42.

Except it is not likely to be 2 years, it's likely to 5-7 years and a child of those years need their mother's time more than a child of 3. So my statement still stands

Hopefully by now, Madisonthecat, you have realised that this is a very personal decision to make, not something with a universal right or wrong answer. It is all dependent on your personality, your relationship with your dp, your child's personality... Also, you don't really know what either job will really be like until you try it. Going resentfully for job 1 would be the worst of all worlds, though. Don't do it because you resent your dp for not helping out enough and resent your child for needing you! Do it because you actually prefer to be the one spending the extra time with your child and prefer to have things done the way you like at home. Otherwise, don't do it - try the other role so that you can see for real whether or not it is the dream job you think it is. Regretting something you never did is really tiresome. Better to regret something you thought through carefully and then tried.

Given your updates you absolutely should take job 2.

And that's how you re-set the 'clock'.

You've taken the time out to build the family so far - taken the hit. Pregnancy. Maternity. Childcare. Wifework.

You tell him that - you're 40. You're not married. You're taking this job, and if he doesn't step up and take his share of the times out by fully supporting you in this, then it won't be long before he's alone... with a toddler to co-parent and a job he suddenly need to drastically reduce hours to cope with.

Just not sure it’s worth the inevitable stress the debate over who’s ‘late meeting’ is most important is worth it

Oh yes it is, when the answer is 'You've had x years of your committments being coverd without a second thought. It's my turn now'

fizzy exactly. OP’s turn now.