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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put my career before my child

954 replies

Madisonthecat · 12/04/2018 21:30

Before I get started I’ll start by saying I think I am but really need some advice from the wise women (and men) of Mumsnet.

Currently not working and have been offered two roles which is fantastic, know I’m really lucky.

Role 1 - three days a week, 9-5, public sector job. Pretty straightforward and could do it reasonably comfortably in the time allowed with little requirement for overtime I think.

Role 2 - amazing opportunity, great pay (£15,000 more than role 1) and amazing benefits. BUT.... it’s full time only, will probably require lots of overtime, travel and be pretty stressful day in day out. It’s a sector I love and would really enjoy getting back into.

What do I do? I would love to do role 2 and if I was childless would take it in a heartbeat. But I have a 3 year old and a partner who works long hours in a demanding role too and can’t help feeling that it’s really not in the best interests of my child to take it. My partner will do a few things around the house (cooking) but I definitely do the lions share of housework and 95% of childcare currently. My previous role after mat leave was 3 days a week and worked well for us as a family as I was happy to pick up the slack. We have no family support at all.

This time I guess I feel conflicted because it’s basically a dream job and I feel sad that as a Mum it feels seems you’re forced to choose between a varied, interesting and well rewarded career or putting your children first and taking something less challenging and with less pay but providing a much better work/life balance.

I will miss my child hugely if I take role 2 as it’s also a fairly long commute (1 hour each way) and would have to accept hardly seeing them on weeekdays. What would you do??

Btw I’ve put this in AIBU as I’m after quick responses. Need to confirm either way tomorrow. Help!

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 13/04/2018 12:12

Your job and career is as important as his - he needs to realise that

Neverender · 13/04/2018 12:27

@Believeitornot I didn't say I had a short commute, but shorter. I get up at 6am and drive an hour to work. I don't consider that short but my old commute was 2hrs plus. At the end of the day you get the version of life you ask for, demand, and if you know what you want it's not that hard to get it.

firstworldproblems2018 · 13/04/2018 12:32

Haven’t RTFT, but it’s such a tricky one. We tried both working FT in demanding jobs with 2 small DC. It was a nightmare. We were both constantly stressed and if both of us had a late meeting we would argue about who’s was more important etc. as DH earnt significantly more than me, he always felt his job came first. Hmm I was also doing almost all the household stuff.

He loves his job, I love mine but also value some time to myself and being around more for the kids. So I found a PT role and he continued full time and as a family we are MUCH happier, but I have sacrificed my career for his. I don’t mind because I actually prefer working PT and the role I have now is a good one.

It’s tough OP. Good luck.

Believeitornot · 13/04/2018 12:33

Actually it is hard to get what you want.

Sorry I miunderstood the commute. That’s long. Mine went from a 20 min train journey to an hour long one and I struggle especially with the stress of public transport.

CuntPuffin · 13/04/2018 12:38

Role 2. Every time. I kept going with my role 2 type job throughout the baby/toddler years. I have no regrets about it. By doing so, I built up mutual trust with my employer, so I can get to school plays etc and work later to catch up if needs be.

I have had SAHM/PT working friends try to criticise my choice, saying I could go back to my career later and then here they are in their 40s finding that those jobs aren't being offered to people who have been out of the market for so long.

With your update saying you are already in your 40s, putting a career on hold will make it really hard to return to. Another societal inequality where we value 'older' people lower than younger, and more so if you are female.

LaurieMarlow · 13/04/2018 12:39

I think it's also hard to work out what you (actually) want. The interesting/full on/full time job can look great on paper for example, but when you see the impact it has on family life/your child/yourself then it can feel very different.

But also, it's very hard to know what any job will actually be like until you do it. So sometimes you have to try things to figure out what you want.

Neverender · 13/04/2018 12:45

I agree that working out what you want is hard! But if you're prepared to work really hard, get up early, etc it is possible. I told my manager I'd have to work from home occasionally, I don't apologise if I need to leave and look after my unwell DD, I ask for more money, I deliver on my promises. Once you know that you can have the career you want if your really want it, you can make it work.

Neverender · 13/04/2018 12:47

Having said that, the company culture matters hugely but that's the same for lots of other areas, how do they behave if you're ill? What happens if you make a mistake. My company is amazing to work for, that's why I chose to work for them.

Stricken · 13/04/2018 13:05

Haven't RFTF but I chose '2' when my first child was very young. It was hard but better - gives you more option to go to '1' at a better grade/salary/conditions.

Believeitornot · 13/04/2018 13:08

I think it’s hard for people to ask for what they want as well.

I’ve been lucky with flexible organisations but part of it is that I’m senior enough to be able to have more flexibility. But even so, it’s harder know both DCs are at school - I now have the stress of their academic performance and social bits and pieces to contend with! Eg having friends over for tea etc is tricky.

Prometheus · 13/04/2018 13:11

These types of threads depress me so much. Of course you should go for role 2. Why on earth women feel that they should be watching their children’s every second growing up amazes me. Look at history and how it works in other cultures. This angst and guilt ridden motherhood is a relatively new phenomenon designed to make women feel guilty about having the same choices and freedoms in recent years as men.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/04/2018 13:13

Completely agree!its an affectation all this giving stuff up to,prove how devoted a mother you are

QforCucumber · 13/04/2018 13:16

  1. He's your partner not husband, make yourself equal - as you've probably seen the fallout on threads here when things go wrong.

  2. just reading your post, the excitement for role 2 shows in droves over role 1.

  3. Anyone who doesn't agree with you will make you feel awful, be it in real life or on MN.

I had a mum who SAH and a step dad who was shit, we had nothing, and don't thank either for it. Know it's not your situation but having to say no to meetings with friends, new shoes that everyones wearing, living in a shitty area....it was crap, and personally role 2 for me would be and has been the choice over my child experiencing that.

Highhorse1981 · 13/04/2018 13:17

Role 1 in a heart beat
Do well and you’ll progress and then could take full time role but still will be public sector hours ie 9-5

Sorry if I missed this but is the additional £15k referring to if you pro rated job 2? Otherwise £15k for extra two days a week is absolutely not worth it IMO!

CackleCrackle · 13/04/2018 13:19

I dunno, I do think that both parents can at times want to prioritise family over work, that’s not necessarily just a gender or societally driven thing, it can be pure selfish utility.

The way my kids make me feel when they hug me or look at me adoringly makes me feel irreplaceable in a way that my job never will.

But life is all about getting your personal balance right, and trying to figure out whether you feel the way you do for valid or invalid reasons.

The desire to get ahead at work can to some extent be societally or family forced too, my parents had huge expectations and unpicking that this conditioning of theirs really what I wanted took ages. So consider why your ambitions matter too.

Highhorse1981 · 13/04/2018 13:21

Presuming you’re in high rate tax band

speakout · 13/04/2018 13:22

its an affectation all this giving stuff up to,prove how devoted a mother you are

Yes- I admit it - becoming a SAHM martyr was all part of a great plan to cast me in the devoted mother role.
Very few practical considerations came into it.

tomhazard · 13/04/2018 13:26

I am currently doing something like option 1 and in September I will be doing option 2. But, I have a lot of holiday in option 2 - way more than average- and my DH is also dropping down to a 4 day week to accommodate. We have 2 DC.
If your DH can't take on more childcare or housework you will be very stressed with option 2.
It only works in families where there is an equal attitude towards the rest of it.

Highhorse1981 · 13/04/2018 13:27

I always think how blessed women are they we are much more likely to have the opportunity to pause our careers or even end them to be a SAHM. So much harder for men.

harshbuttrue1980 · 13/04/2018 13:28

Choose role 2 but get an absolutely amazing nanny and treat her like gold. Your child will bond with the nanny and will be absolutely fine. Children need a really strong bond with someone who's going to stick around and be there for them, but it doesn't matter if this is a parent, grandparent or nanny. Do pay her as much as you can though and treat her very, very well, as a high turnover of nannies can be harmful for children.

Bumpitybumper · 13/04/2018 13:29

Prometheus Are you joking? The desire for a parent to spend time with their child is totally natural. I'm astonished that this amazes you. The OP isn't proposing to be there for every moment of their child's development as both options take her away from her child for some time. The dliema is because job 2 means she will barely see her child at all in the week. I'm not saying the benefits of choosing job 2 won't outweigh this negative in OP's mind, but it's clear she does see it as negative which is totally natural and normal. Not many parents would be delighted with barely seeing their kids for 5 days a week, and yes I mean parents (dad and mum).

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/04/2018 13:30

Affectation,yes because usually it comes from a place of,choice & prosperity,
And usually a dp who’s top (as mn dp inevitably are) in his field who earns £££
And this giving up can be qualified by statements like
Might as well have pets if you never see them
They’re only widdle for short time
Its only money
No one lies on their death bed thinking...

Highhorse1981 · 13/04/2018 13:33

Children need a really strong bond with someone who's going to stick around and be there for them, but it doesn't matter if this is a parent, grandparent or nanny

Yes because after a few years parents and grandparents move on to other children, never to be seen againConfused

Highhorse1981 · 13/04/2018 13:33

Those statements you list... they actually all hold some truth to them. Surely you can see that?

LoveInTokyo · 13/04/2018 13:37

Take Role 2. Lean in.

Tell your partner you really want to take this career opportunity and it’s unlikely to come round again if you put this off until some unspecified point when you have fewer family commitments.

He needs to step up and do an equal share of the childcare and housework.

You can spend some of your increased (joint) income on paying for more childcare and maybe some extra stuff round the house. (Do you have a cleaner? If not, get one.)

It will be tough and tiring but worth it in the end.

Also, I have worked in the public sector and if you’re not careful it can be a bit of a dead end, with dreadful promotion prospects and no meaningful payrises. It’s easy to get stuck in a rut and then find that private sector employers don’t think your experience is relevant.

If you take Role 2 and it doesn’t work out, Role 1 type jobs will still be open to you. The reverse may not be true.