To put my career before my child

[Madisonthecat]

Before I get started I’ll start by saying I think I am but really need some advice from the wise women (and men) of Mumsnet.

Currently not working and have been offered two roles which is fantastic, know I’m really lucky.

Role 1 - three days a week, 9-5, public sector job. Pretty straightforward and could do it reasonably comfortably in the time allowed with little requirement for overtime I think.

Role 2 - amazing opportunity, great pay (£15,000 more than role 1) and amazing benefits. BUT.... it’s full time only, will probably require lots of overtime, travel and be pretty stressful day in day out. It’s a sector I love and would really enjoy getting back into.

What do I do? I would love to do role 2 and if I was childless would take it in a heartbeat. But I have a 3 year old and a partner who works long hours in a demanding role too and can’t help feeling that it’s really not in the best interests of my child to take it. My partner will do a few things around the house (cooking) but I definitely do the lions share of housework and 95% of childcare currently. My previous role after mat leave was 3 days a week and worked well for us as a family as I was happy to pick up the slack. We have no family support at all.

This time I guess I feel conflicted because it’s basically a dream job and I feel sad that as a Mum it feels seems you’re forced to choose between a varied, interesting and well rewarded career or putting your children first and taking something less challenging and with less pay but providing a much better work/life balance.

I will miss my child hugely if I take role 2 as it’s also a fairly long commute (1 hour each way) and would have to accept hardly seeing them on weeekdays. What would you do??

Btw I’ve put this in AIBU as I’m after quick responses. Need to confirm either way tomorrow. Help!

I find very surprising that there is no mention of childcare in the original OP, Surely that critical in making the decision.

In the OP’s shoes I would take role 1 and keep an eye out for something more challenging but without the overtime and travel.

My role is full time only, I work overtime at home and it requires some travel, I hate the travel bit now.

My mum took a challenging ft job with shifts, I went days without seeing her when I was young. She definitely put the job before the DC and it contributed to the breakdown of the family.

Employees have a legal right to time off for dependants for things such as illness.

That doesn't mean that they get it, in practice, without consequence to career.

Truth is that with 2 parents working full time in challenging jobs child illness is a nightmare if you don't have good backup.

Role 2. Think of long term benefits and security. That’s good for a family.
You can always step down if YOU decide it’s too much. It doesn’t have to be forever. It may also lead to even better roles with more flexibility etc

@ThisIsTheFirstStep

You seem very angry about things entirely unrelated to this thread; that's what's confusing.

The OP's husband is doing his share of the housework as he works longer hours than the PT wife. Share doesn't mean split evenly. HTH

The OP has the opportunity to work the job she wants as a successful high-earner but she has conflicted emotions due to missing her child. There is no mention of her husband or society stopping this happening; in fact they have enabled her having this choice.

Surely at the moment the husband is facilitating the OP so that she can work part time and spend the rest of the time with their child. Something she loves and has said will miss dearly if she compromises family time in favour of her career.

I'll ask you again, do you know many lazy fucking bitches?

I work full time in a role which can appear "full on. My husband also does.

My thoughts:

1. Does role 2) offer any flexibility - ie working at home at all?
2. The only way I have been able to do my role is with a lot of give and take from my husband and also a lot of safety nets
3. Option to move nearer ? I have found being nearer to my role made a huge difference
4. do you need a nanny/aupair
5. In 10 years time, what will you think?
6. Is there an option for your husband to lower hours ?

Truth is that with 2 parents working full time in challenging jobs child illness is a nightmare if you don't have good backup.

Pre-school age I would agree that if both parents work ft then the onus is on both of them to juggle childcare and work and it can be tough. Too often it is still the woman that takes time off even in these circumstances.

Ime by the time they go to school they've built enough immunity to not have viruses every other week. I speak as the mother of a 7yo (never ill) and 16mo (every other bloody week). Thankfully dh shares responsibility for caring for them equally as we both work ft (I am extremely fortunate to have a highly paid job that allows me huge flexibility such as working from home).

After your update I still say job 2....and not just because of the money. You sound so excited about job 2. Not many people get to be that excited about their job. I think you would end up resenting your partner if you took job 1. He has said it will be fine so you both need to make sure it is. Sit down together and plan.

People talk about the flexibility of part time ,low responsibility jobs but actually in my experience the more senior jobs offer the most flexibility - depends on industry obviously. Both me and DH work full time in senior (and at time demanding) roles but we actually have a lot of flexibility and our employer recognises that we are both parents.

Take role 2.

Make a short term investment (financially and emotionally) nad sort out a good nursery + you also prob an aupair for the next couple of years to cover pick ups.

Few years time, your child will be older, you'll have loads more money and be on track with pension payments for a more comfortable retirement and you'll look back and thank your historical self.

You don't stop being a good mum just because you go to work full time.

Crisscrosscranky 'Feeling nostalgic that your kids have grown up is very different from actually choosing to give up a dream job for the sake of children who will soon be grown. I know very few men who, in reality, would change their career decisions to pick up more childcare.'

This comment seriously makes me .

There are numerous studies on death bed regrets saying that many dying men did indeed wish they had done just that.

A lot of feminism seems to be around debunking gender stereotypes and I think one that really needs to be eradicated asap is that wanting to spend time with your children when they are growing up is a completely female trait. I actually think it's just human nature for people to have the drive to have the babies in the first place and then want to spend time raising and nurturing them.

I'd take it. £15000/year more can give your child so many more opportunities, and he'll be in school in 18 months or so anyway.

nominced

It is absolutely related to this thread. Confused you can’t see that.

‘The OP's husband is doing his share of the housework as he works longer hours than the PT wife. Share doesn't mean split evenly.‘

She said he wouldn’t step up. That means he wouldn’t do his share were she to take the job. ‘HTH’.

Do I know any lazy bitches? None with kids, no. Do you? These boards are filled with women complaining about men who do nothing, however.

Role 2.

But sit down with your partner and clearly allocate responsibilities straight off the bat

Op Role2 would your commute be by public transport or car, is a nursery close to work an option ?

Depending on the likelihood of being able to get a seat on the train that could be "chat / story / cuddle" time with LO.

Little things that could make a huge difference to you and LO.

I think in your heart you want Role2 but in your head you know Role1 is more practical.

bump but no one said only women want to spend time with their kids.

They said that men VERY VERY often make their job their priority. They may regret it later, but that doesn’t stop them at the time, whereas it does stop women.

@LadyLancelot Your child should be more important to you than money. Youve got years ahead of you to build a career when your son is older. what a ridiculous thing to say. OP doesn't talk about just the money . What about soul fulfillment? Ambition? What about her partner ?

OP I work with my DH in a company we run. I was never ambitious but also not cut out to be a stay at home Mum. My DH is very career focussed and his job was always the "more important " meaning I have always been the one juggling child care and stressing or rushing for pick up. Right now I have really busy periods when I don't see the kids a lot on weekdays and I'm tired when I do and also trying to juggle things like exercise and social life but I do spend every weekend with them. I'm also privileged to have flexibility to start late so Me or DH always take them to school . I can also take a day off or work from home here and there .
It's hard when they ask "so and so'S Mum is always there on pizza day why can't you" and I feel guilty so I try and do what I can. Due to my flexibility I'm taking every other Friday off .
I'd go for job 2 but agree with your dh a fair schedule so it's not all on you or on him.

This Yes, but going on to regret it is the important bit. This implies maybe they shouldn't have pursued that course of action and actually the women that did stop maybe did the right thing...

bump regrets are all very well, but not very useful for the women who are left holding the fort.

Considering we all know most people regret spending more time at work than at home, you’d think people would make thinking about it more of a priority, instead of just regretting it later.

It’s easy to have regrets; less easy to actually put your money where your mouth is and be a good parent/partner.

The 15 grand extra will be swallowed up in child care. Remember you'll have to deal with all the half terms, inset days and the long summer holidays.

I'd take role 1. The stress of organising child care and inevitable sick/snow/inset days would drive me mad. Plus running a house and missing out on time with DC. think of all the sports days and school fairs and plays and play dates...

I took two years off with my children then struggled to find the right job, where I was earning my potential but also prioritising my children. I have found a great PT role and it's still a juggle. But my priority is them, their stuff comes first and I'm content with that.

OP please come back and update up with your decision.

Personally, I’d go for option 2. But I’d also get a cleaner, a dishwasher, a tumble dryer, send out ironing and have firmly set allocated tasks for myself and my husband as well as pre agreed compromises- who does drop offs/ pick ups on what day. How sickness is allocated, criteria’s for one person staying late being more important over the others.

If you can find a very good balance with working, and childcare and housework being allocated evenly between your husband and yourself you can set an amazing example to your child. I don’t think it sets such a good example if you’re burning yourself out running the household, all child commitments and working whilst your husband focuses on his career.

Good luck with whatever you decide

• burning yourself out with option 2/ whilst your husband focuses solely on his career

@ThisIsTheFirstStep

"Confused you can’t see that."

I'm not surprised.

"She said he wouldn’t step up."

No she didn't.

"Do I know any lazy bitches? None with kids, no. Do you?"

No. I don't know any lazy bastards either.

"These boards are filled with women complaining about men who do nothing, however."

Surely you're not that stupid ...

I saw the first few posts on this last night but haven't read the full 17 pages.
OP, I wanted to share my experience. Now 54 with one child still at home and one at University. I should have been a high-flyer, and I'm doing OK now career-wise. But not great.
I took a 7-year break when I had my 2nd DC. Eased by a large redundancy payment, so money wasn't really an issue - at the time. With the benefit of hindsight though, it was a really bad decision, and I've never really made up the gap. I turned down an amazing job in New York for my kids. I see my other female friends achieving great success and do regret the choices I made.
I know my kids would have been exactly the same if we'd continued with a nanny for those 7 years and I had continued to progress my career.
You don't say is your child is a boy or a girl, but if she's a girl I'd say it's even more important to model a successful career woman for her.
Go for your dream job. I'm sure you won't regret it. Our kids are much more resilient and adaptable than we think.
But get the best childcare you can & pay for cleaners etc at home.

Are you planning a second child? I'd nearly always choose carrer to be honest. But it's never going to be an easy choice. What help can you get for outsourcing home stuff?

What is sad here is the fact no one questions your OH doing the same. I highly doubt if he asked a dad’s forum the same question you would have the majority saying take role 1, you’ll miss your DC growing up and regret it. The inequality reeks.

Take role 2. Your DC is only small, if you find it too difficult you can always quit and find something more flexible.

noMinced op has questioned whether the battle to change the partnership dynamics in the home and relationship with work is worth it. That's a strong implication that he won't actually step up when required. I'd stop short of saying he's lazy, but I too have certainly met my fair share of entitled men who prioritise work over their families and women who run themselves ragged trying to be all things to all people. I think this experience is common.