To put my career before my child

[Madisonthecat]

Before I get started I’ll start by saying I think I am but really need some advice from the wise women (and men) of Mumsnet.

Currently not working and have been offered two roles which is fantastic, know I’m really lucky.

Role 1 - three days a week, 9-5, public sector job. Pretty straightforward and could do it reasonably comfortably in the time allowed with little requirement for overtime I think.

Role 2 - amazing opportunity, great pay (£15,000 more than role 1) and amazing benefits. BUT.... it’s full time only, will probably require lots of overtime, travel and be pretty stressful day in day out. It’s a sector I love and would really enjoy getting back into.

What do I do? I would love to do role 2 and if I was childless would take it in a heartbeat. But I have a 3 year old and a partner who works long hours in a demanding role too and can’t help feeling that it’s really not in the best interests of my child to take it. My partner will do a few things around the house (cooking) but I definitely do the lions share of housework and 95% of childcare currently. My previous role after mat leave was 3 days a week and worked well for us as a family as I was happy to pick up the slack. We have no family support at all.

This time I guess I feel conflicted because it’s basically a dream job and I feel sad that as a Mum it feels seems you’re forced to choose between a varied, interesting and well rewarded career or putting your children first and taking something less challenging and with less pay but providing a much better work/life balance.

I will miss my child hugely if I take role 2 as it’s also a fairly long commute (1 hour each way) and would have to accept hardly seeing them on weeekdays. What would you do??

Btw I’ve put this in AIBU as I’m after quick responses. Need to confirm either way tomorrow. Help!

Yes it seems obvious to me that up to a point the more hours you do the more valuable. Else we'd all just work one hour.

I took role 2 and it nearly killed me. With no family support and the slog of having to keep up with childcare drops and so on, it is very stressful. Burn out territory. My partner was zero help.

Job 2 is what my heart wanted. Job 1 is what my head tells me. It's fucking annoying we have to make this compromise.

If you take job 2, and you could, you need to have full support from partner and get help where you can - possibly a cleaner, ideal childcare etc.

I’ve worked full time since DS was 11 months old. I don’t regret it because I have managed in that time to build on my career and reach a senior position, meaning I have more flexibility and much better pay. I am out of the house 8-6 five days a week, but the rest of the time is family time above anything else.

And my organisation has lots of the same roles. Surely they only need one, working part time.
Restaurants only need one waiter.

Role 2. A man wouldn't ask this question.

and many men regret not seeing their kids grow up. not all. but some.

Would you rather 8 people working an hour each than one 9-5? 16 working 30 minutes each?

That’s a bit of a silly comparison and works on the basis that we are machines churning out widgets.

My point is that we can work on a part time basis, do our jobs well without being slaves to the office.

As for “unique” skills, I very much doubt that there is just one person in the organisation that could do a particular job. Those skills should be built up in more people, otherwise it puts the organisation at risk if they leave.

Not sure why you think the two arguments are different. People think success = high paid jobs which tend to be longer hours = impact on family life. Well paid jobs do tend to be longer hours.

I choose, as do a growing proportion, to fight that long hours mentality. Yes, I have to pull in the hours at certain times of the year to hit deadlines but I’m very strict about keeping to four days. And it isn’t that all year and doesn’t have to be.

I would take Role 2 and see how it goes
Get your DH to step up and use the extra money to buy in help cleaner etc
If it really doesn't work you can always quit and look for another Role 1 type job
Even a year in the job would stand you in good stead for the future
Have seen so many women give up work or take lesser roles and regret it
So easy to do when the kids are little and so hard to recover from

Speakout, The system is fucked, it's hard for two ft parents- especially at the lower end of the salary scale - to both work long hours and spin all the plates.

I think that's it in a nutshell.
Lower incomes group seem to struggle with the financial side of paying for childcare but seem to work more set hours, ie know when finishing time is.
Higher income people are never sure when they are going to get finished work or what issue needs resolved before they finish.

The UK work very long hours but get better holidays. Canada have very rigid maximum hours but only get a couple of weeks annual leave.

Furthermore we are being told that there will be fewer jobs all around due to technology.

We will have to rethink the job market, which might include people working fewer hours and spreading the number of (higher paid) jobs around.

But people won’t like that.

You might get your dream job but I don't think you would be living a dream life. Long commute, lack of time with your child, stress of managing childcare...
The extra money in the dream job would not compensate for the extra stress, extra childcare, extras such as cleaner, travel costs

Surely thats for the op to assess. Those are your values but you're talking as though they are absolute truths

Incrediblelife Adoption? You are cruel.

I thinking being their for your child is more important than any job.
If they are ill and have little problems they want their mum not a nursery worker.
You can always get a good job when they are older.

What about your DP curting down in his hours and doing more housework and childcare - would that work?

My mum always worked full time. I never feel I missed out on anything. To be honest I can't remember much before the age of ten so your child isn't going to miss out.

I had the opposite experience.

My mom had to work full time as she was a single parent. I have so many memories as a child, probably as far back as age 5/6ish and they either feature my dad or my childminder. It upsets me actually that my mom doesn’t feature in the good memories of my childhood even though I know it isn’t her fault.

It was my lack of having a mother around as a child that made me decide to cut down on my hours after having my own children.

Gah! If it DOESN'T work!

Oh good grief - I try again!

Take job 2 - you can always look to move on if it doesn't work.

OP, you’ve said I will miss my child hugely if I take role 2 as it’s also a fairly long commute (1 hour each way) and would have to accept hardly seeing them on weeekdays. What would you do

Does the extra £15k make much difference? I mean you’ve got travel costs plus the childcare to work out. Plus commuting is tiring!

Weigh it all up, not just the dream job bit because as you’re still working, you’re still able to keep your foot in the game. Furthermore are you planning more dcs?

First of all congratulations on having two decent job offers. You must be pretty amazing to be in this position. I took the job 1 option 10 years ago and have now moved into the job 2 option at age 50. My DC are teens now and I can put more energy into my career. Obviously each industry is different but I would trust in yourself that you have the ability to succeed at any point. Tough decision for you, good luck with whatever you choose.

many men regret not seeing their kids grow up. not all. but some.

Absolutely. My DH is out the house from 7am until 5.30pm five days a week. Those hours are much more family friendly than a lot of men’s hours that I see talked about a lot, but he misses our two children very much. He often tells me how down it’s gets him that he misses out on so much of their childhood, even just doing the mundane things, it’s simply just a case of missing being around them.

He earns the higher salary so him reducing his hours isn’t an option. I would hate to be in a job that took me away from my children 5 days a week, I can’t imagine how much I would miss them, so I really sympathise with him.

nominced yes I am angry. I find it astonishing that anyone wouldn’t be angry about the structural inequality in our society that means that men not doing their share of housework or looking after kids is still seen as ‘normal’. That women giving up their careers they love is still ‘normal’ while men get their lives facilitated for them.

If thinking that that is bullshit makes people say I’m ‘angry’ then so be it. I’m angry as hell.

Job 2. Without a doubt. I would try and negotiate a flexible component (5 days in 4.5 with one from home?). It's much much easier to do the big job when FT childcare is available. You said the job has great benefits? brilliant- if you have another baby that will mean good maternity leave at a higher salary and will come back into a more senior job- which generally means more flexibility.

I have taken the bullet and travelled a lot while mine are small- but they are starting school soon and I have been able to move into a more senior, better paid job that willhave minimal travel. I'll be around loads more as they get bigger and can actually remember it- and as childcare gets more awkward.

I did chuckle at the poster upthread who said 'what if he gets ill while you travel!' I didn't realise washing pukey bedsheets and taking a day off work required a vagina.

I don't really go for the Sheryl Sandburg thing as I don't think she really recognises structural inequalities- but she does make a great point about not counting yourself out before you ARE out. Don't roll back on your ambition unless it is untenable not too. Your partner will just have to take some of the hit too. Asking to leave earlier isn't less awkward if you're a woman.

and many men regret not seeing their kids grow up. not all. but some.

Feeling nostalgic that your kids have grown up is very different from actually choosing to give up a dream job for the sake of children who will soon be grown. I know very few men who, in reality, would change their career decisions to pick up more childcare.

If they are ill and have little problems they want their mum not a nursery worker.

Employees have a legal right to time off for dependants for things such as illness.

You can always get a good job when they are older.

This is so naive. If it was that easy to walk into a highly paid, satisfying job after a lengthy time out of paid employment, why is there still such a huge pay gap between men and women? Sure, you might be able to get a job when they're older, but highly unlikely to get the dream job.

crisscross agreed. They might not love it but they still don’t make it a priority. At the end of the day, if it was suchg a big deal for them, they’d take the pay cut and the less prestigious job. People get by on low wages too, you don’t NEED the 50k+ job that takes you away from your family. They don’t need it. They just want it.