To put my career before my child

[Madisonthecat]

Before I get started I’ll start by saying I think I am but really need some advice from the wise women (and men) of Mumsnet.

Currently not working and have been offered two roles which is fantastic, know I’m really lucky.

Role 1 - three days a week, 9-5, public sector job. Pretty straightforward and could do it reasonably comfortably in the time allowed with little requirement for overtime I think.

Role 2 - amazing opportunity, great pay (£15,000 more than role 1) and amazing benefits. BUT.... it’s full time only, will probably require lots of overtime, travel and be pretty stressful day in day out. It’s a sector I love and would really enjoy getting back into.

What do I do? I would love to do role 2 and if I was childless would take it in a heartbeat. But I have a 3 year old and a partner who works long hours in a demanding role too and can’t help feeling that it’s really not in the best interests of my child to take it. My partner will do a few things around the house (cooking) but I definitely do the lions share of housework and 95% of childcare currently. My previous role after mat leave was 3 days a week and worked well for us as a family as I was happy to pick up the slack. We have no family support at all.

This time I guess I feel conflicted because it’s basically a dream job and I feel sad that as a Mum it feels seems you’re forced to choose between a varied, interesting and well rewarded career or putting your children first and taking something less challenging and with less pay but providing a much better work/life balance.

I will miss my child hugely if I take role 2 as it’s also a fairly long commute (1 hour each way) and would have to accept hardly seeing them on weeekdays. What would you do??

Btw I’ve put this in AIBU as I’m after quick responses. Need to confirm either way tomorrow. Help!

" Any man that wouldn't give major consideration to how taking on a job that takes him away from the family for long hours would impact his and his family's life is an idiot and we definitely shouldn't be seeking as women to ape this behaviour."

But why is it ok for women to facilitate this then? Because if you aren't demanding they step up - and one way to do that is by doing a job that gets taken as seriously as his - then you are simply allowing this to continue to be the norm.

"Why is it such that to get a well paid job, it requires sacrificing so much family time."

Are you joking?

I'm excellent at my job. The more hours I work, the more productive I am and the more valuable I am to the organisation.

If I was excellent at my job but only worked half as many hours then I would be half as valuable.

If I worked fewer hours than I do and have over my career then I likely would be as good at my job (as I wouldn't have had the practice and experience) so would be worth less per unit of time. This becomes more evident over the long-term.

Do you understand yet?

What do you mean by "factor in the gender gap"? Factor it into what?

"
Career focus now will pay off later. I'm now very senior in my firm and i can literally pick and choose when I'm in the office or working from home. I only book meetings that suit me. Small children may have basic needs but teens are more complicated and I've earned the flexibility to be there for mine when they need me or their dad.

Another point - if you take the full time job, impress and prove yourself, you might have the option of requesting to reduce your hours/ days further down the line. You might want another child. Part time after your next maternity leave could be an option.
"

I couldn't agree more! I'm in the same situation- actually working from home today and can give my teen a lift to school so we can chat. I'm taking maternity leave soon and even if I went to 4 days after that we would still be fine financially - all because I kept my foot on the gas when she was smaller (and I did still have amazing times with her and we have a great relationship!) and my husband had to do at least 50 per cent of drop offs / pick ups / housework

I would do role 1 to have a better work/life balance.

Having had to go back to work full time when my son was 6 mths old I missed out on all his firsts which I bitterly regret so much.

Even now my son is in before / after school club and by the time we all get home and had tea it’s time for my sons bedtime ☹️.

"Why try and turn this into a 'life's so unfair for women' thread? The OP is in a lucky position. She has options and can make a choice the same as any man."

Sure... she has to justify role 2 to a full time, higher earning husband and you lot
Same situation for the majority of mothers (not fathers)... yet it's not because there is structural inequality in our society, really?

I'd go for job 2. The extra money can cover the domestics such as a cleaner, cm etc. Find out before you accept the role what flexibility they offer. Could you work at home one day a week, or have flexible hours for example.

@Glassofredandapackofcrisps ODFOD

Grumpy Oh I agree entirely that women shouldn't be enabling men to get away with this. I just don't think that it's a race to the bottom where everyone should be working longer hours than they would like and missing out on time with their kids to force their partners to step up. If a man really did fail to give any proper consideration to taking on a job that would impact his time with his family so much then I would be questioning his credentials as a father. Note, I do not say that he shouldn't take the job at all, but that careful consideration should be given especially with regards to the impact on the children.

@TheGrumpySquirrel

"she has to justify role 2 to a full time, higher earning husband"

Does she?

I don't see her "really need some advice from the wise women (and men) of Mumsnet." as justifying a choice she hasn't yet made and there is no mention of her husband being anything other than supportive of whichever choice she makes.

Where has she said that she needs to justify this to her DH?

Are you inventing a scenario to fit your agenda and preconceived ideas?

I would take role 2. As others have said get a cleaner, online shop, sort out childcare and a backup plan. Find out if you can negotiate to do 4 days a week or compressed hours or work from home to get some flexibility.

As you are over 40 the time for the dream job is now! Much harder to get when you have had time out of work and age discrimination does exist. If you put in time now when you have more energy it will hopefully mean you can reduce hours when child is a teen when they do need more input.

You will be able to build savings, pension and perhaps pay down your mortgage so again you can be less pressured when you are over 50. Those saying they have years to build a career are not taking account of the things life can throw at you! We have both worked and dealt with serious long term illness, redundancy, ageing parents - much easier to work when you can!

I’m in a similar situation. We pay for full time childcare and we have a cleaner. It’s tough financially but both DH and I have ambitions and potential to earn more If we keep at our jobs. We are lucky to have employers that allow us to be flexible time wise for pick up and drop off and I have work from home options which is helpful. But it’s hard. I firmly believe you need to do what makes you happy if possible as you don’t want your child to pick up on your disappointment. But it’s hard as their well-being is top priority and if I thought DD was disadvantaged in any way by our current set up we would have to re-evaluate. Best of luck OP with whatever you decide.

I'm excellent at my job. The more hours I work, the more productive I am and the more valuable I am to the organisation

If you think that more hours makes you more productive then more fool you.

I work in a profession which has a long hours culture. I am an accountant at a senior level. It is just that, it’s a culture.

Some of my best team members are those who work part time because they get more done in their hours than those who are full time.

I would rather have two very productive part time workers than one full time worker who thinks that long hours = productivity. It most certainly doesn’t and is an outdated way of viewing the world.

I’d take role 1 as I couldn’t put work before my kids, regardless of if DP dropped his hours, I’d just miss them too much. That said, there’s nothing wrong with taking role 2 if thats what you want, and I’d say the fact you’re making a post means you’re at least very tempted... not everybody wants to be with their kids so often deep down, and again there’s not going to be anybody telling you it’s the wrong thing to do as only you know what balance is right for your family.

And @noMincedWords I’ve worked part time since my firstborn.

I’ve still got promotion, excellent secondment opportunities and found a new job.

All while working part time.

Because, if I may say so myself, I’m good at what I do. I’m efficient, I can delegate when necessary or do the work myself. I feel no need to work myself into my grave when life is too short.

That is the crux of my argument. Long hours, scarificing too much family time just isn’t worth it. Why do we think it is?

And it is, I’m going to take a sabbatical then come back to my career. I’ve build up a reputation such that it will be possible. While working three then four days a week

Honestly, job 1’s come around every day, job 2’s don’t.

If you hate it, it’s incompatible with your family, you are miserable you can always quit and find a job 1.

I was in your position when DS was 2, i decided to take job 1 mainly because DP was away so much.
I regretted turning down job 2 almost straight away, over time that regret became resentment and ultimately I became miserable.
I liked job 1 but I felt unforfilled, under valued and that I was wasting my potential.
DP saw how it was affecting me and suggested I try to find another job 2, it took a while but job 2 agreed to give me another chance.

I wish I had gone with job 2 from the start.
Yes it was hard, but after a few years in the role I was able to negotiate flexible hours and some working from home so that I could be around for some school events and do a couple of pick ups a week.

Your dp will just have to pick up some more of the ‘home’ work.
50/50 is how it should be if you are both in full time work.

Try job 2, if it doesn’t work for you go for a job 1 later, you’ll regret it if you don’t try.

In my profession, 2 part time staff are not nearly as productive as one f/t.

I'd imagine that accountancy is easily passed between members of staff. Calculations and data entry and analysis can be stopped and started.

It clearly depends upon the field you work in.

"That is the crux of my argument. Long hours, scarificing too much family time just isn’t worth it. Why do we think it is? "

That's an entirely different argument though

Not everyone thinks it is worth it. The OP isn't sure and she's had conflicting opinions. We all put personal value judgements on things like work / family balance.

I'd agreed with noMinced in some profession part-time works well in others it just doesn't.

I'd imagine that accountancy is easily passed between members of staff. Calculations and data entry and analysis can be stopped and started

Er not quite. A lot of what we do is building relationships with people and making judgements.

I rather have more part time people because they’re less likely to be sucked into their jobs and keep a sense of perspective.

No it’s not a different argument to me. By family time, I don’t mean set piece weekend events etc. I mean being at home with your children etc doing the day to Day stuff.

Well today is the day, I suspect you will make the decision that is right for toy either way op. Good luck and let us know x

SAHM may be "propping up the system as facilitators", but equally women and men who work long hours and rely on others for childcare are also "propping up the system" by engaging and playing in these rules.
We need more people to be engaged with caring, but I don't accept that SAHM are to blame by somehow " allowing " this.

The system is fucked, it's hard for two ft parents- especially at the lower end of the salary scale - to both work long hours and spin all the plates.

I am happy with my choices, despite making these choices purely because I have been " conditioned" ( therefore not really feminist choices).
In an ideal world I would work equal hours as my OH, we would share childcare etc etc.
But it isn't an ideal world, and I chose not to use me and my family as a battering ram.

OP - if job 2 is your dream then you can make it work. You outsource the wife work/ admin of life to a cleaner, childminder etc and then the time together as a family is precious and quality time (you are focussed on each other and not putting a load of washing on or wiping down a surface).
You can always leave if it doesn’t work.
You can always ask to go part time in a year or so.
It doesn’t have to be forever, but how often does a dream job come along?
Good luck

@noMincedWords OP has said her husband won't want to step up. So by implication it will be harder to rationalise taking role 2, to anyone.

Role 2.

A man wouldn't ask this question.

The arguement I was sayign were different are

"Why is it such that to get a well paid job, it requires sacrificing so much family time."

vs

"Long hours, scarificing too much family time just isn’t worth it. Why do we think it is?"

You say that a lot of what you do is building relationships and making judgements. Can you not do more of that in more hours?

Would you rather 8 people working an hour each than one 9-5? 16 working 30 minutes each?

There's a balance and a lot is dependent on both the profession as well as how unique the employees skills are.

Stock trader on Wall St. - get someone who lives and breathes work and is happy to nap at their desk for a couple of hours a night.

Cycle courier - have 1,000s of employees, each one doing a single delivery a day.