To put my career before my child

[Madisonthecat]

Before I get started I’ll start by saying I think I am but really need some advice from the wise women (and men) of Mumsnet.

Currently not working and have been offered two roles which is fantastic, know I’m really lucky.

Role 1 - three days a week, 9-5, public sector job. Pretty straightforward and could do it reasonably comfortably in the time allowed with little requirement for overtime I think.

Role 2 - amazing opportunity, great pay (£15,000 more than role 1) and amazing benefits. BUT.... it’s full time only, will probably require lots of overtime, travel and be pretty stressful day in day out. It’s a sector I love and would really enjoy getting back into.

What do I do? I would love to do role 2 and if I was childless would take it in a heartbeat. But I have a 3 year old and a partner who works long hours in a demanding role too and can’t help feeling that it’s really not in the best interests of my child to take it. My partner will do a few things around the house (cooking) but I definitely do the lions share of housework and 95% of childcare currently. My previous role after mat leave was 3 days a week and worked well for us as a family as I was happy to pick up the slack. We have no family support at all.

This time I guess I feel conflicted because it’s basically a dream job and I feel sad that as a Mum it feels seems you’re forced to choose between a varied, interesting and well rewarded career or putting your children first and taking something less challenging and with less pay but providing a much better work/life balance.

I will miss my child hugely if I take role 2 as it’s also a fairly long commute (1 hour each way) and would have to accept hardly seeing them on weeekdays. What would you do??

Btw I’ve put this in AIBU as I’m after quick responses. Need to confirm either way tomorrow. Help!

Yes I'll get flamed for this but I just don't understand why you'd have kids to resume full time work asap. Not the op but some of these comments. I worked like a Trojan before my dd came along and planed how I'd cut back work and spending to be at home with her in her formative years as I wanted to be a mother not just tick some lifetime achievement list. Genuinely don't know why some women bother having kids.

You really shouldn’t make judgements about why some women ‘bother having kids’. I had no choice at all about having my 4th child and my DD’s teacher has had to take in her sisters children when she died of cancer. Unless you fully know someone’s circumstances it’s better to reserve judgements about why those children are in existence to a full time working parent.

@ThisIsTheFirstStep do you speak to many men about how they feel about sacrifices they've made?

The OP can have the kids. The husband. The job. The nice house.

She compromises seeing her children as much as if she worked less.

Most men I work with are sad that they don't have as much time with their children as they'd like but understand that life is about compromises.

Fuck. People. Who. Don't. Understand. That.

Why try and turn this into a 'life's so unfair for women' thread? The OP is in a lucky position. She has options and can make a choice the same as any man.

Go for the second job - better money, more security, and its a role that you'll love.
If you find that the hours are too much then you can always go part-time, or find another job. At least give it a go though.

Go for job Nr2 you’ve said it’s something you love to do, stick with it for a bit and if necessary cut your hours back but make your husband do his share of the housework and childcare... and that would be exactly half of it. You may need to drop your standards a bit in the house but that time is better spend on your kids.

I would take the full time job if it is your dream job.

You only get one life and being a mum is just a part of it. You also need to challenge yourself and pursue your own goals.

My mum always worked full time. I never feel I missed out on anything. To be honest I can't remember much before the age of ten so your child isn't going to miss out.

I was in a similar position to you and opted for role 2. Wish I hadn't! I couldn't find the right balance and things felt unmanageable

I was in a similar situation three years ago and I chose option 1. In my case, option 1 was challenging and rewarding as well as being part time, but was much less well paid than option 2 (quite a lot more of a difference than in your case). I had three primary aged DC and couldn’t face the stress attached to option 2.

Option 1 has worked out well for me and I don’t regret it (yet). I have lots of admiration for women choosing option 2, but I also love picking up my kids from school a couple of times a week. I have a great work-life balance and I don’t resent DH (whose career has soared in that time) at all - I think I’m the lucky one! But let me reiterate, I love my job and find it really interesting - it’s just part time.

If you choose option 1 then you should definitely get married. No need for a big do, a simple registry office is fine, but that would be an absolute hard limit for me. If one of you doesn’t want to get married then you should 100% choose option 2. It’s just not fair otherwise.

Take job 2 and stop doing all the wifework

No man would ever even have this dilemma

I chose option 2. Hard on everyone for two years then DP reduced hours and we both do the same at home and work. I feel guilty about not being 100% at work OR at home, but it's the best choice for me at this point. Don't regret it, 11 years into decision. Good luck

I would also go for Option 2. It's your dream job, how many times will that chance come up again? You can always do something else if it doesn't work out but hopefully the extra money will pay for the childcare needed.
You also need to do less in the home and expect your partner to do more. If he works long hours, he's chosen that too, why can't you make the same choice? If he doesn't like working so many hours, well, perhaps he can reduce them and do more housework instead...

I am much older now and my children are grown up. When I look back I wish I had done things differently, including not staying at home with them but going out to work. With hindsight I realise that, while we have children, we mothers worry and agonise about "missing their progress" and being with them, but (assuming a happy home) children grow up anyway, perfectly normally and well-balanced. If I had worked I would have had more money for the family to do things, I would have had a better perspective.... I look back and have many regrets about missed 'dream jobs' in my life and what I didn't do for my own progress; I'm trying to catch up these days but for some things it's too late. As other posters have said, you only have one life, go for all the opportunities you can....

I also have a 3yr old and work 3 days a week in a basic desk job that it way below what I did before I had him and I’m basically over qualified for.

But time with him is more important to me than a better job at the moment. I’ll never get this time back but I can look for a new job when he’s older. 3 days working is a perfect balance for me.

I would take job 1

nominced no, I don’t know many men who are sad about not spending much time with their kids. I know a lot of lazy fucking bastards though.

@teaandtoast women only have little jobs for pin money didn't you know? And yes if they want to work in anything slightly demanding they are expected to have a good reason why they work. I always say I work for the same reasons as dh does, to provide for my family. I don't say this, but also because I am very ambitious.

My husband and I both work full time in demanding jobs. 3 young kids. We have a childminder around school hours and a nanny when they were younger. We are both out of the house from 7.15 ish to 6.30 ish. I don't see the kids Mich in the week. They still go to bed at 7.30 but I have a career and I think it is good for them to see that both men and women can have successful careers and jointly contribute. Our earnings are very similar so to lose 50% of salary for either one of us would have crippled us. If we had more money would I have stayed at home, worked less probably. I didn't have the choice though. There is no right or wrong and the kids don't suffer. Mine are confident happy and we certainly make the most of he weekends. Good luck with making the right decision for you and your family. Only you can really decide though.

My biggest regret is working so much when my kids were little. I grieve over that loss. I'd definitely do it differently if I had my chance again. They're 16 and 19 now.

But as a Mother you will always feel guilty over something x

Job 2 would put a lot of stress on your family; however if this is really what you want then you just have to ensure you have good childcare, a good nanny you can trust or a good aupair. I think is very hard for both to do demanding jobs without good childcare arrangements.

I have chosen option 1 as I want to see my children grow; childhood goes so quickly and I want to be part of their life. I have kept my career active and job is well paid but as I can only do part time I can only work for small Companies which are not always the best.

I can improve my career again later on but will never recover the time with my children. I would hate the stress of traveling, long commutes, not being there when my child is unwell or for school activities.

@ThisIsTheFirstStep

You sound very angry and I'm not too sure why.

Do you know many 'lazy fucking bitches'?

After reading the thread, I think I'd be disappointed to read you were swayed by anyone on this thread who gave you opinions on what they think a 'mother' is. Misogyny is strong on this thread.

You are 40 or thereabouts. The reality is in the Southeast the role 2 type of job will not be there in 5 or 10 years time. Even if it is there you will be competing with people 15 years younger who will have clear experience of putting in the time, which your 3 days a week won't show.

I think someone up thread made a good point, you do Role 2 now before DC starts school. It's easier with childcare to do longer hours at nursery. If by the time school starts it's not working you can either a) downsize to a role 1 style job or b) negotiate where you are to less hours, wfh or c) downsize to a role 2 style job elsewhere with more flexibility.

Essentially Role 2 now will give you more options later. Upsizing is not generally a thing post 50 (yes there will be an exception to the rule, I wouldn't take the chance, that exception is me).

And for those people who say full time nursery is not good for children from 6 months old. Speak for your ducking selves. I'm bored by babies. Love them but cannot entertain them for love or money. However older children I can deal with. Doesn't mean I shouldn't have had them (how rude, how very ducking dare you).

Haven’t read the full thread but...

I wouldn’t take job 2.

After having my first son I went back to a stressful job with long hours and even though it was only 3-4 days a week it impacted heavily on the quality time I had with my son because I was exhausted all the time.

I’ve since had a second baby and due to return to work in about 3 months and this time I have reduced my hours because I want to be around for the children as much as I can and be happy and rested enough to enjoy them.

They’re so young for such a short amount of time that I want to be there for them as much as I can.

As I said to my DH, I’ve got 30 years left in my career to focus upon myself but currently my children are my priority.

That’s just me though and there’s nothing wrong with having a different view point or taking alternative options etc etc

Your predicament sounds hard

Go for role 2. A man wouldn't think twice about it. That's why there is a gender pay gap. Be more man.

Small children's needs are quite basic. As long as they have good quality care, they don't actually seem bothered by who is providing food, reading stories or shaking a tambourine with them. I think (mine went to nursery from babies) the separation/ missing seeing them grow is more of an issue for the mother. I say mother because I've never seen a man agonize over it. You just make weekends, evenings and holidays count. It can work. I am still my children's favourite person in the whole world despite some narrow minded individuals on this thread who think i shouldn't have bothered having children at all.

You will need to insist your husband steps up at home. Most men will. He might moan but it's tough. He'll get used to it. Mine did - very quickly. We shared the maternity leave with our youngest and it was a great success.

Career focus now will pay off later. I'm now very senior in my firm and i can literally pick and choose when I'm in the office or working from home. I only book meetings that suit me. Small children may have basic needs but teens are more complicated and I've earned the flexibility to be there for mine when they need me or their dad.

Another point - if you take the full time job, impress and prove yourself, you might have the option of requesting to reduce your hours/ days further down the line. You might want another child. Part time after your next maternity leave could be an option.

Good luck with your decision!

I was you last year! I wanted option 1 but got offered option 2. My youngest was a year older. My DH works silly hours and has been the main earner since the DC were born 9+ years ago.

I took the jump and went for option 2 and I'm so pleased I did!

Your DC will be in school in a matter of years. Get a cleaner for a few more hours a week and ask them to change beds, do ironing, help with the washing. Get a good childminder or nanny with flexible working hours preferably. Consider a school with breakfast and afterschool care where the childminder already drops off and picks up.

Get food shopping delivered weekly.

Organise your DH to have days were he knows he's on child duty. That way he can arrange his work to help and you as a family have a routine. DH can only make 1 day a week at moment but as he gets used to it he's becoming more flexible.

Do you have family that could help if you need it? Our dp help on the rare occasions we need them. It's not a regular thing but it's a bit extra help.

It's your choice obviously but don't not do option 2 because you feel you can't. Don't do option 2 because you don't want to!!!

Thisisthefirststep 'no, I don’t know many men who are sad about not spending much time with their kids. I know a lot of lazy fucking bastards though'

That is very sad and understandably is shaping your view, but it isn't my experience at all.

I find it sad that as a society we are moving more towards viewing time spent with our children as 'childcare' and a burden like other domestic chores such as housework. For me spending time with my family and sharing my children's experience is a privilege and can give me the greatest pleasure. I would think this is a view commonly shared amongst parents as you actively choose to have kids.

I'm not saying that children can't make it hard to sustain decent careers and in a purely practical sense having children to look after can feel like a hinderance to other aspects of life especially work. It's hard and I wouldn't pretend otherwise, but I think just pretending that all these men that barely see their kids because they work such long hours are living the dream is very unfair as I know lots of fathers that are just as upset as mothers to miss out on important moments in their kids' lives.

I also just don't get the constant commments that 'a man wouldn't think twice about this' etc as if OP is some kind of sucker for considering her child's wellbeing and her own desire to spend time with her child. Any man that wouldn't give major consideration to how taking on a job that takes him away from the family for long hours would impact his and his family's life is an idiot and we definitely shouldn't be seeking as women to ape this behaviour.

AssignedLazyAtBirth
DM worked part time all her life....she was bringing home minimum wage while DF brought a 6 figure salary.... but the extra money would have made a huge difference

WTF? Your father was on 6 figures and your mum on part time minimum wage her going full time would have made a huge difference. Really - what another £10k or so - that your mum could have potentially earned would have made a huge difference to their income?
Where was his £100,000+ going??
Was he financially abusive???

Op, The things that jump out at me are Role 1 isn't permanent and your not married.

I am in a similar boat and love my Role1 but it's permanent and I'd be putting a helfy claim on DH money if he up'd and left.
I know I could get full time in it fairly easily if I needed to up my income.

I see it as 2 parents both trying to pursue high flying careers would be really hard going.
Do you have Grandparents who are able to help out at a moment's notice if your both going to be held up at work?
Which of you would collect child if they were sick? Needed a parent at home?

I'd Role2 likely to come up again in a few years?

except she DOES want the job! actually @Neverender the OP is wavering.

While you have a short commute etc, that’s not an option for many many people other Mothers.

Our working society is set up around success and a career generally being long hours, long commute etc. Look at the average salary for the country! Then you factor in the gender gap and childcare costs.

Life isn’t just about work. But also why is it such that to get a well paid job, it requires sacrificing so much family time.