To put my career before my child

[Madisonthecat]

Before I get started I’ll start by saying I think I am but really need some advice from the wise women (and men) of Mumsnet.

Currently not working and have been offered two roles which is fantastic, know I’m really lucky.

Role 1 - three days a week, 9-5, public sector job. Pretty straightforward and could do it reasonably comfortably in the time allowed with little requirement for overtime I think.

Role 2 - amazing opportunity, great pay (£15,000 more than role 1) and amazing benefits. BUT.... it’s full time only, will probably require lots of overtime, travel and be pretty stressful day in day out. It’s a sector I love and would really enjoy getting back into.

What do I do? I would love to do role 2 and if I was childless would take it in a heartbeat. But I have a 3 year old and a partner who works long hours in a demanding role too and can’t help feeling that it’s really not in the best interests of my child to take it. My partner will do a few things around the house (cooking) but I definitely do the lions share of housework and 95% of childcare currently. My previous role after mat leave was 3 days a week and worked well for us as a family as I was happy to pick up the slack. We have no family support at all.

This time I guess I feel conflicted because it’s basically a dream job and I feel sad that as a Mum it feels seems you’re forced to choose between a varied, interesting and well rewarded career or putting your children first and taking something less challenging and with less pay but providing a much better work/life balance.

I will miss my child hugely if I take role 2 as it’s also a fairly long commute (1 hour each way) and would have to accept hardly seeing them on weeekdays. What would you do??

Btw I’ve put this in AIBU as I’m after quick responses. Need to confirm either way tomorrow. Help!

Personally, I would go for job 2.Make it work the best way you can, and if it doesn’t work out, there will always be a job 1 around . Also, once you are in a job , it can sometimes become easier to negotiate flexibility.

Go for job 2.
Many women face this conundrum and there is no right or wrong answer, only what's right for you. I'm saying go for job 2 because, from your original post, I think it's what you want.
I think it would actually be quite a big burden to place on your daughter, that you gave up your dreams for her. Imagine if you found that out about your own mother. You'd feel devastated. Well, I would.
More to the point, it's also a cruel thing to do to yourself. This is your dream job. Do you want to end up with regrets and maybe even resenting your kids and your partner? Also, if you take it and you hate it, it sounds like more opportunities like role 1 won't be hard to come by.
No one asks men to make these choices, as many other posters have pointed out. Your daughter will be in school in a year anyway.
Too many people don't do what they want with their life, and look back and wish they had. Don't be one of them.

Go with role 2. You only have one child in ft nursery so can probably make it work. Are you thinking of having more dc? You could then take mat leave and decide what to do next. Alternatively you will probably need to reconsider your options when your ds starts school.

My mum worked and I hated going to a childminders so I always have that in my mind when thinking about my dc. I am lucky that in my field I can currently completely juggle it all part time and still do a job I find interesting. My dh has established a big career while I have been looking after dc and working part time for many years. If we separate I would be pretty stuffed but could pick up a reasonable full time job and would then have to push to further my career.

I do really appreciate the low stress job in terms of managing the needs of my dc, I have 3. And my teen needs me most of all. I would hate to be working long hours and not able to pick her up when she needs it / check in on how she is after school each day. Often she just needs me there. It could be dh of course but we have made the decision that it's me.

£30k between the jobs is a huge difference, especially as you aren’t married. The fact you plan no more dc and you are unhappy with dp not pulling his weight makes me think you should chase your career harder now.

If you take the part time hours, I fear you are reinforcing supporting dp’s career as you won’t feel in a strong position to demand he step up at home and having the protections of marriage.

In fact, it could be better for your family overall if you’re both more fulfilled and less resentful of each other.

Lipstick, we just need something about dumping kids with strangers and it’s a full house

Incrediblelife Wow. What the actual fuck? You are rude and nasty. Not everyone is in a position to not work. And even if it’s a choice, so what? Not everyone wants to stay at home and not everyone wants to work. It’s about choice fs

LipstickHandbagCoffee You aren’t great either, you are at completely the opposite ends of the scale. Both of you are weird. I’m out.

Job 2,you can always take a step down if it doesn't work for you .I worked 2 days aweek until mine started full time school.She doesn't remember any of it!

#1 .. I had a job like #2 with a 1 year old at home and I was miserable! I switched to a FT public sector job, 8-4 with no stress and have zero regrets. I will aim to get a #2 role once my kids are older.

Vote role 2

Job 2 and tell your partner to get his bloody finger out, this isn’t about choosing between your kid and a job, it’s about having a partner who prioritises himself over you.

Take role 2.

I took role 2. Less travel but more hours and more money and more satisfaction for me. Besides which, it's usually easier to step into a less paid and less demanding role as opposed to the other way around.

One of the draws for me (us) was that it meant we could afford a full time nanny who then became a nanny / cleaner as the boys started school; she's worked for us for a long time now. DS1 is 7. When DH and I are home (we're both out of the house 7-5) it's all about family. No cleaning or chores or anything like that. Weekends are wonderful.

Your 3 year old will be at school soon and your circumstances will be very different. Would the childcare he gets be better if you have the new job and more money? Our nanny is amazing and a million times better than many alternatives.

@KirstenRaymonde

Did you bother to read the post by the OP. Her partner has a demanding job and long hours and cooks at home. She works part time and does the lions share of the housework. That is a partnership. Be less indignant and read more carefully.

My firm belief is that it is best for young children to have a parent caring for them most of the time. Even when they get to school age, it is best that they get down time at home at the end of the day.

So with this in mind, and with the second firm belief that it does not have to be the woman who is the primary care-giver, I would try and negotiate for my DH to be the SAHP.

If DH refused to do this (and there is no way I could force this) I would take job 1. (To be honest even 3 days a week work would be intimidating to me with a toddler. I don't think this is laziness on my part, merely a reflection on the level of stress and busyness my household could cope with, which may well be less than others').

Marriage and work and childcare need be negotiated, so as to optimise the level of wellbeing for everyone in the family. Children have lower levels of understanding and resilience to draw on, so their needs outweigh the parents' if there is a compromise to make. None of this means that the OP shouldn't take job 2.

Role 2.

I think firstly the OP needs to assess her own priorities short, medium and long term. This should include how important it is for you to experience these formative years with your kid, your financial situation if you and your DH were to split and the effect you think taking job 1 or 2 will have on DC. This will hopefully help you to understand how you could best balance all these competing wants and needs.

I don't believe it's possible to 'have it all' and something will have to be compromised but that's life and you understand that. I think some posters are being slightly disingenuous when they say that they have a job 2 and everything is fab. In a few cases maybe this is the case, but I can't help but feel that lots of women would struggle to balance this kind of job alongside running a household with a DP in an equally demanding job doing limited housework/life admin AND meeting the emotional and physical needs of any children. Ultimately there are only so many hours in day and so much any one person can do before it all begins to look like a recipe for stress and burn out.

Don't be tricked into buying into the dream that you can do a job like job 2 without some level of sacrifice. The question is do the undoubtedly substantial benefits associated with such a job make it worthwhile for you and your family?

I suppose I have option 2 and have done since DD was 1. The downsides are that it does get stressful and time is very precious.

On the other hand, now DD is older it’s positive for her to see her mum having a career and she has some pretty lofty ambitions which makes her work hard at school.

To make it work, I’ve been luck to negotiate compressed hours so that I’m here one day a week to pick up from school. I also have the flexibility to work from home which I also do one day a week and when it suits eg sports day, nativity etc. So there are ways to not miss out on school/nursery events.

I have a cleaner and use an ironing service which helps maximise family time and we do have the spare cash to do nice things as a family.

It can work

bumpity so why is it that so many men are able to have it all?

The kids, the wife, the job, the nice house?

I don’t see men complaining about not having it all; it’s always women who have to compromise.

Fuck. that.

Role 2 definitely. All this ‘your child should be more important than money’ is the bullshit women have to face when working to provide for their children and ensuring they have provisions for the future. Working in role 2 will help your child with university fees and you can add more to pension and savings.
What concerns me about your post is that you say the you take on the lions share of housework and childcare as if that is a concern for taking on role 2 which presumably means your partner will still expect to opt out of his fair share when you both work full time.
Make sure he pulls his weight, consider the impact of taking a lesser role for now on your future prospects. The idea that you can build the same career later on just isn’t true. Go for your dream role. It will benefit the whole family now and in the future and inspire your daughter to aim high herself.

ThisisTheFirsyStep Of course they don't have it all.

Yes they traditionally have maintained their careers and all the obvious advantages that brings, but this has usually been at the expense of spending time with their family. There is a reason why a commonly cited deathbed regret is people saying that they worked too hard to the detriment of family time. Lots of posters on this thread have said that they did a job 2, but feel sadness about missing out on their children's formative years. I think this would be a common sentiment amongst lots of men too (certainly is for my DH).

I think it's good to acknowledge that nobody can have it all. It forces us to weigh up what we will gain and lose through pursuing each option and hopefully help us to find the best compromise for our families.

I wonder how many men who work to provide for their family are told that A) they are actually just doing it for themselves and are selfish and B) should have got a pet instead.

Not many I reckon.

Personally I would take role 1 at this stage. It is only now my dcs are tweens that I am doing the more high powered stuff.
I would take role 2 only if I was prepared toinvest in the childcare, home help and partner stepping up to ensure I wasn’t carrying the whole can. That is a recipe for burnout.
I agree with other posters that men take role 2 jobs all the time without having to factor all this stuff in and that is massively unfair.
If it helps, my parents swooped in and out of the part time role so they could each have a decent whack at their careers. Eg dad would go part time for 3-4 years so mum could prioritise work, then they would swap round. Would that work in your case?

I’ve got a type 2 job, with little choice to change to a type 1 at this stage of career. It’s awful. I was very career focused but I’m not enjoying it anymore, feel stressed and it’s obvious it’s not good for my Ds either who misses out on family time, play dates etc and has very long days in school and childcare which makes him very tired and is a lot to ask of little ones. I’d not take job 2 whilst yours is so young unless your partner were to go sahd or part time.

And isn’t it funny that when men work it’s to pay the rent / mortgage, pay bills, buy food, pay into pension, university fund etc.

When a woman works it’s so she can buy designer clothes and buy holidays where she can stick the child she HATES spending time with in a kids club. The misogyny on here is breathtaking.