Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put my career before my child

954 replies

Madisonthecat · 12/04/2018 21:30

Before I get started I’ll start by saying I think I am but really need some advice from the wise women (and men) of Mumsnet.

Currently not working and have been offered two roles which is fantastic, know I’m really lucky.

Role 1 - three days a week, 9-5, public sector job. Pretty straightforward and could do it reasonably comfortably in the time allowed with little requirement for overtime I think.

Role 2 - amazing opportunity, great pay (£15,000 more than role 1) and amazing benefits. BUT.... it’s full time only, will probably require lots of overtime, travel and be pretty stressful day in day out. It’s a sector I love and would really enjoy getting back into.

What do I do? I would love to do role 2 and if I was childless would take it in a heartbeat. But I have a 3 year old and a partner who works long hours in a demanding role too and can’t help feeling that it’s really not in the best interests of my child to take it. My partner will do a few things around the house (cooking) but I definitely do the lions share of housework and 95% of childcare currently. My previous role after mat leave was 3 days a week and worked well for us as a family as I was happy to pick up the slack. We have no family support at all.

This time I guess I feel conflicted because it’s basically a dream job and I feel sad that as a Mum it feels seems you’re forced to choose between a varied, interesting and well rewarded career or putting your children first and taking something less challenging and with less pay but providing a much better work/life balance.

I will miss my child hugely if I take role 2 as it’s also a fairly long commute (1 hour each way) and would have to accept hardly seeing them on weeekdays. What would you do??

Btw I’ve put this in AIBU as I’m after quick responses. Need to confirm either way tomorrow. Help!

OP posts:
Artichokesallover · 13/04/2018 00:19

Is the security and benefits of job 2 better than the uncertainty of job 1?

Amazingalice · 13/04/2018 00:19

Ok lipstick.
Hope the paranoia settles down for you, people really aren’t that bothered whether or not you can pick up your own dc or whether or not you can attend your own dcs Plays.
This is because they are worrying about their own situation and lives and dc. They don’t care whether you work 60 hours a week as a high flier or have a paper round.
I know a nurse who worked night shift for years to always be at the school gate, her choice, impacted on her health, but there was benefits to it.
You probably would see her at the school gates and assume she was a sahm because she never missed a pick up.
It’s so very easy to judge.
So long as your choices are right for you, then that’s grand.
Let the other mums decide what’s best for themselves and their families.
Sahm part time working and ftm all have various pros and cons.... but let’s try and trust women to make the right decision for themselves

Mayflower2017 · 13/04/2018 00:20

Food for thought
www.powerofpositivity.com/life-regrets-people/
Good luck OP 🤞

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/04/2018 00:20

Alice, thanks for the head tilt

perper · 13/04/2018 00:21

Honestly i think just 15,000 more isn’t worth it when your child is three Actually £30,000- see latest update- and, you know, the dream career and all, which IMO is more important than the money. Pretty good prospect really.

edwinbear · 13/04/2018 00:21

I'm going to post something to hopefully calm the flames of this post, which actually has epitomised an enormous problem in the UK.

A colleague of mine recently attended a work conference in a Scandinavian country. We work in real estate finance, conferences are usually exclusively male dominated events. He returned from the conference and told the story that it took him a good 3-4 hrs to figure out why this event felt different. The atmosphere was different, the networking was more productive, things just seemed to flow better. It took him half a day to realise it was because the attendees were 50/50 men/women.

He asked a few people at the event why the demographic was so different and they went on to explain that in Nordic countries the social norm is that both parents take time off when a baby is born, there is no concept of a "working mum" that term doesn't exist. Jobs are kept open for (I don't remember if he said 2 or 3) years and child rearing is simply viewed as a joint responsibility.

He came away thinking how much better they had it.

mugginsalert · 13/04/2018 00:21

Several posters have said to take option 1 now and there would be opportunities for option 2 in the future, but I've found that the level you start at in an organisation really affects how far you can progress in the future. I think a lot of organisations actually rely on a solid core of competent working mothers who contribute more experience and capabilities than their job descriptions and salaries warrant. Women take on a role which is clearly an option 1 for them, intending to jump back up in a few years. Then they become sucked in to the norms of their environment, find that their opportunities to develop are more limited, and before they know it are having developmental conversations with their managers about how one day they could make the next step, when previously they'd been several levels higher. If they do apply for type 2 roles then they find their recent experience of lower graded work doesn't help and over time their own confidence/identity shifts away from the more aspirational roles.

So, going for option 1 is a perfectly valid decision but might have longer term implications than intended.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/04/2018 00:25

Haha the first thing listed under top 10 regrets is date a Filipino woman
Is that regret that one did date a Filipino woman
Or Is that regret that one did NOT date a Filipino woman

To put my career before my child
perper · 13/04/2018 00:25

@edwinbear

So true, they are miles ahead in terms of social attitudes and working balance. I just hope that we make it to that point too!

Amazingalice · 13/04/2018 00:27

Lipstick I’m a stranger on the internet, not giving you any head tilt Hmm .........
Paranoid

OverTheHedgeHammy · 13/04/2018 00:28

Madisonthecat - I seriously suggest you take job 2. Because that IS putting your DD first. Being able to provide for her is part of being a mother.

Your DP will really have to start sharing the mental load, whether he likes it or not. You need to decide in your head how you want that to work. Will you take control of some jobs and he the others, or will you rotate them, eg you do the shopping one week, he does it the next. You do the washing one week, he does the next.

To ensure that you don't suffer during the change over while your DP gets his head around sharing the mental load, make sure there are sufficient insta-meals in the freezer for your DD, and that there are ones that YOU like in there as well. If you can, make sure they are ones that your DP doesn't like so if he doesn't shop, he goes hungry. Also make sure you have enough spare clothes to survive 2 weeks. So if he doesn't do the washing in his week you still have clothes to wear. But then DON'T DO HIS WASHING in your week if he neglected to do his share of that chore.

He needs to feel the pain of the consequence of not doing his share, only then will he step up.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/04/2018 00:29

Head tilt And you’ve called me paranoid twice
Duly noted

Terramirabilis · 13/04/2018 00:30

Role 2. No contest. Hire help with the extra money. When your son's grown you'll be so far ahead compared to a Role 1 person setting you up for so many possibilities for career and financial security. Quality time is what matters, not quantity. Don't spend years in a job that's not your dream because you think you have to.

Whydoilooksoold · 13/04/2018 00:32

I think you know deep down that role 1 is best for your daughter but are hoping that the majority here tell you to go for role 2 so that you will feel less guilty when you accept it. Not that you should feel guilty of course, it's your choice. Personally I cannot imagine choosing a career over my child at such a young age. There will be other opportunities but once your daughter has grown up you will never get those years back.

I work in a private school. One of the girls (aged 10) consistently gets great test results. I said to her "gosh your parents must be so proud" she said "I don't really see my mum much" I didn't pursue it as though they were separated. She then added "mum goes to work before I get up and comes home as I'm going to bed and often has to go away. Then at weekends she's too tired to do much with me and sometimes has to do more work"

ggirl · 13/04/2018 00:32

I'd go for job 2

I did job 1 choice and regret it.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/04/2018 00:32

And don’t spend years in A job you don’t really want because your dp won’t alter his habits

Cornishclio · 13/04/2018 00:33

I would take role 1. Being a parent and a full time demanding job would suck the life and energy out of me. I worked part time when my daughters were small and it was the best of both worlds. The pay was good, it fitted in with school hours so minimal childcare costs and it was interesting. I still got to take my kids to and from school and had lots of time to spend with them.

Everyone I know who works full time and has kids are permanently complaining of being exhausted. From a financial point of view some have no choice particularly if you are the only earner but in your position that is not the case.

Amazingalice · 13/04/2018 00:36

Whydoilooksoold that’s a sad story.
I doubt it would be typical for most full time working parents with a bog standard 37.5 hour week though.
Whilst I think it’s perfectly possible and reasonable for a ftm to be close to her dc I’m afraid in that instance, why would you have a dc? To leave them all week, work away sometimes and not do much at the weekend. The mum would have suited a child free lifestyle.

MercianQueen · 13/04/2018 00:43

No-one ever tells a man they're putting their career before their child because they take a full time job. When they do it, it's called "providing for their family".

I'd be doing role 2 in a heartbeat. You're both parents, you both contribute to the family equally in terms of income and childcare.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/04/2018 00:47

Yep,man has a FT well paid demanding job,he gets praise.Woman gets berated

QuackPorridgeBacon · 13/04/2018 00:53

LipstickHandbagCoffee What? Hmm

So only the man should compromise? They need to discuss together, one sex can’t just always be right, it would end up swinging too far the other way from now, that wouldn’t be equality. In fact, I’m confused by your comments now.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 13/04/2018 00:54

I think you should go for job two and see how it works out, knowing you can swap to a job more like one if it doesn’t work out. Or asking your partner to drop to part time and see what he says, I’ve seen others say this and the more I think about it the more I think it would be good to discuss.

Incrediblelife · 13/04/2018 00:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/04/2018 01:00

That website powerofpositivity it’s a fuckin hoot.a cross between
hallmark type soppy maxims & psychology for dummies
Compulsive reading

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/04/2018 01:02

Mn bingo double points or summat
Why did you bother to have her, you should have got a pet instead!
Lol, someone had to say it eh,only 300 messages in