To put my career before my child

[Madisonthecat]

Before I get started I’ll start by saying I think I am but really need some advice from the wise women (and men) of Mumsnet.

Currently not working and have been offered two roles which is fantastic, know I’m really lucky.

Role 1 - three days a week, 9-5, public sector job. Pretty straightforward and could do it reasonably comfortably in the time allowed with little requirement for overtime I think.

Role 2 - amazing opportunity, great pay (£15,000 more than role 1) and amazing benefits. BUT.... it’s full time only, will probably require lots of overtime, travel and be pretty stressful day in day out. It’s a sector I love and would really enjoy getting back into.

What do I do? I would love to do role 2 and if I was childless would take it in a heartbeat. But I have a 3 year old and a partner who works long hours in a demanding role too and can’t help feeling that it’s really not in the best interests of my child to take it. My partner will do a few things around the house (cooking) but I definitely do the lions share of housework and 95% of childcare currently. My previous role after mat leave was 3 days a week and worked well for us as a family as I was happy to pick up the slack. We have no family support at all.

This time I guess I feel conflicted because it’s basically a dream job and I feel sad that as a Mum it feels seems you’re forced to choose between a varied, interesting and well rewarded career or putting your children first and taking something less challenging and with less pay but providing a much better work/life balance.

I will miss my child hugely if I take role 2 as it’s also a fairly long commute (1 hour each way) and would have to accept hardly seeing them on weeekdays. What would you do??

Btw I’ve put this in AIBU as I’m after quick responses. Need to confirm either way tomorrow. Help!

Alice it’s not question time I don’t have to retain names
Didn’t see your post,and nor do I have to respond when hectored to

Is it worth it. £15k more seems quite a bit. But when you consider that those two days extra equate to 3xtra travel costs, extra childcare and being so busy perhaps also the need for a cleaner, it doesn't sound such a generous amount.

So, it's at least 26 hrs more out of your week. That is without over time. Is overtime going to be paid, or are you going to be on a salary? Even if you are not 9n a salary it equates to approximately £11ph. Not a lot is it for a "dream job" and that's before tax.

Ok, it's a bit more money, but once you factor in extra travel costs, extra childcare, need for a cleaner, a waste of creative time boring commute, extra "challenge" for not much extra money does this job seem like such a dream?

Unlike other feminists, angry or otherwise I'd have to ask whether greater exploitation of your labour by the capitalist system through paid employment was such a feminist choice at all.

Ok. I’m not going to argue or beg you to believe me. It doesn’t affect me either way. I didn’t include any head tilting in my post but I think I can see why you would think that. I see you have ignored a majority of my posts and think the opposite of what I have typed and what happens in my life.

OP it is all about what you want and what is important to YOU. You see some people on this thread going on and on how great they are and how fantastic their careers are while their LO doesn’t get half a mention. If you are in this sort of camp, absolutely go for Job 2. Some mothers hate spending time with their children and will find any excuse or reason not to be stuck at home and bored stiff doing childcare. Fair play to them if this is what they want.

However on this thread you will observe mothers who talk about their DCs a lot and mention their job in passing. If this is where your priorities lie, go for Job 1. Nobody will come and give you a compensation for the time lost at work while your DCs were young. This applies to fathers, too. Surprisingly, many fathers would want to spend more time with their children instead of the office.

In my case, I would jump at Job 2 if I could come home at 7pm, have my healthy home-cooked meal served to me, the children entertained and educated well before I got home, laundry and housework done. So I can put my feet up, relax, spend quality time with the children, then relax a bit after they have gone to bed.

This quality of life will only really be there with a SAHP or an army of support stuff. Anything else is a full-on rat race for the mother. The only people I knew who had two parents working FT and had some quality of life were the ones with massive family support, I am talking free childcare on demand, help around the house, some meals cooked. Otherwise, it is a sure road to a burn out.

I had a similar decision recently and did not take the job because although dh was supportive, I may have died from stress. No money is worth that.

I would suggest writing down a list of pros and cons about each job to get a clearer picture. The other thing to remember is that this won't be your last chance of getting either type of job- should you decide on job 1, you could go for a job 2 type of job at a later stage.

And vice versa. Should you choose job no 2, and you realise it's not worth it, you can always resign and go for a part-time job.

I wonder if the more interesting but demanding job would allow some flexibility, including allowing you to work a bit from home, once you've shown them that you're a star?

I would go for role one

It sounds like you will still have the stability and finances to enjoy life together.

Even if my dh agreed to do everything I’d still want to be there for my ds.

Role two

JessieMcJessie it depends on how much money you have in the bank I guess.

I’m not ignoring anyone posts,I responding and watching Eastenders
I’m on Mn faffing about online whilst watching tv,it isn’t answer in turn serious undertaking
Really

Have read all of OP's posts, but only skimmed the full thread so apologies if question already asked, but when you say £15k per year more, what does that work out at per hour worked (including overtime), after taxes? Role 1 could well be better paid per hour.

If she were 12 I'd take role 2 as she's 3 I'd take role 1.

I vote for job 1.

JessieMcJessie also, our DC weren't there. It was our wedding. The only frippery they measure is that we can continue to pay the £30k pa school fees. As a family, we don't consider that frippery 🤔

OP, if you let your dream job go, you will always wonder "what if?". Take job 2. If you find it too much to handle, it will be much easier to find another job 1 than going in the opposite direction.

DM worked part time all her life and she recently told me she regrets it every day. Sure, she was our taxi, but at the end of the day, she was bringing home minimum wage while DF brought a 6 figure salary. I grew up more with DM than with DF. Guess what? I don't hold bitter feelings for either, but the extra money would have made a huge difference.

Says it all to me then lipstick, you are quite happy to point out what sahms have to loose by staying out of the workplace, or indeed those part time who have their careers stalled.
And, admittedly, you make some valid points.

But you totally disregard the fact that ftms make sacrifices too, just different ones. Forgetting what society thinks, people guilting you, how much (more) men should be doing, id bet many working mums get pangs of genuine sadness at missing so many of their dc milestones.

So it’s what you are prepared to trade off and which sacrifices are more acceptable to you.
But don’t think your decisions are superior to others.
My position is different to yours, my lifestyle is different, but I dont think you are better or worse than me for your choices.
Whereas you have very clear opinions about Sahms, and your ideas about others judging you for working seem paranoid.
But I suppose when you are so utterly judgemental yourself, it’s natural you will assume everyone will view the world in your terms of black and white, right thing to do/wrong thing to do.

The other mums at the school gates probably don’t give a fuck if you want to go to work ft.

I’d prob take role 1 simply because I believe your time is worth so much more than the extra cash. Yes it shouldn’t be you who has to compromise as a woman, and a rewarding job is hard to find. I think tho that I would regret the time missed with my dd so much more than the missed job opportunity. The guilt would eat me alive.
I had a good job and gave it up for a different less well paid part time one when I had kids. I don’t regret it for a second.

Wow guys thank you so much for all your replies!! Lots to think about and I really appreciate it, although it’s a mixed bag so not sure my decision is getting any easier

To answer a few questions he’s my DP not DH. I know how mumsnet feels about this and I’ll admit it makes me feel uneasy to take a role a role that I’d struggle to support me and DD on if anything should happen. Not that I’m expecting it to but I’ve always been able to independently support myself financially and I would struggle to do this where we live (south east) on the role 1 wage. Not a problem with role 2.

The difference in pay is on the full time salary for both roles. If I looked at just the difference between role 1 (at 3 days) and role 2 (at 5 days) it’s in excess of £30k so no small sum.

We already have a cleaner but I do all the wifework/mental load, whatever you want to call it. He just doesn’t think of this stuff and I don’t think would even know where to start. We’ve fallen into an uncomfortable pattern as he started his new (more demanding role) at the point I finished my last job. Therefore I’ve taken on everything housework/childcare related in the meantime and am unsure how to reset the balance. It will be interesting to see how he copes with me working 3 days let alone 5 and I worry that despite his promises of “it will be fine” it really won’t and I’ll have all the pressure of home and and a demanding job and will end up failing at both.

Also I’m over 40 so do worry that if I take role 1 I’m resigning myself to a lesser career as it will be harder to claw it back in a few years. There are incredibly few part time roles in my industry - this is the only one I’ve found. If it wasn’t for the dream job opportunity I’d be skipping along thinking how lucky I am but now I just feel frustrated that as some of you have said, my work needs to work around his in order to maintain a happy life for our DD. As the higher earner he doesn’t have to compromise.

We won’t be having any more children, due to age and other factors so I really do want to make the most of every second with my DD. At the same time I want a job I love, am well paid for and be an inspiration for DD too. It just seems so hard to balance this with all the practicalities. I’ve thought too in recent weeks that this is a massive factor in the gender pay gap and it’s just sooo depressing. It’s 2018 for goodness sake but here I am!!

No Alice.reread my post.i have never spontaneously discussed my nonattendance at events
However,when I get the head tilt and such a shame you missed out.i ask where was their dp?
On every occasion they answer oh he was busy at work. I reply same as me

As the higher earner he doesn’t have to compromise.

Why not? That is YOUR choice - ie yours as a couple - for him not to compromise. It's not law, or even particularly common practice.

Minitheminx good point!

@MinitheMinx

Unlike other feminists, angry or otherwise grin I'd have to ask whether greater exploitation of your labour by the capitalist system through paid employment was such a feminist choice at all.

Interesting point, until you remember that feminism should (and for the vast majority of people is) about gender equality, not about making life easier for women. So if that capitalist system is going to exist, it should exist without discrimination between men and women. I don't want an easy life off the back of a load of men being exploited by capitalism, thanks

So you know you’re unhappy with division of labour,and he won’t change
So you’re the person potentially giving things up cause he won’t seek different resolution
Because he won’t shift in his entrenched habits you’ll just march on doing the bulk of it

Not an easy decision OP
I'm exhausted just reading the responses.
Just do whatever feels right for you and your family.
I'd go for Option 1 personally but I appear to be something of an oddity in that I actually celebrate having ovaries, being the one that physically has the baby and marvelled at the power of my hormones.
I don't give a shiny shit whether it's social conditioning or not but I am and always have been nurturing and caring.
I did go back to work after having my children but became a SAHM for many years.
I enjoyed attending school plays etc, avoided school gates drama and never once did a 'head tilt' to a mother who'd made different choices to me.
My husband wasn't a great help practically in the early years to be honest but he has been a fantastic father and husband.
There have been times in the development of our children when they've definitely wanted/ needed to be closer to their dad ( and he's been there for him ) and other times, to me.

Our lives wouldn't be any happier if I'd counted the number of times he'd emptied the dishwasher compared to me and I certainly wouldn't have found him more attractive if he'd spent the evenings ' batch cooking' but if that floats the boat of other women, all power to you.
After nearly 30 years of marriage ( mainly v happy) what's made it work hasn't always been down to 'equality' as such but mutual respect for the different roles we've both played in making our own individual family work.

Don't waste time feeling guilty tho, whatever decision you come to.
I've spent tonight picking up various teenagers from pubs and friends houses and their parents have juggled the work/ life balance in every way possible.
These young people have all turned out just fine with the usual trials and tribulations of growing up.
There is no magic formula to getting it right.

Honestly i think just 15,000 more isn’t worth it when your child is three. Not unless husband agrees to go part-time.