Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wonder why retired parents live in big houses and don't help family?

740 replies

Dojos · 12/04/2018 21:20

Not judging the choice but i can't help finding it odd that you can have two sets off grandparents living in and owning several properties and adult children both in full
Time work struggling to make ends meet.

Bright enough and big hearted enough to know inheritance is a gift not a right, and rightly so. I'm just curious how parents can sleep In 5 bedroom homes they don't need at night whilst their good steady grown up kids struggle a whole Gang into a 2 or 3 bed semi.

I guess that applies further - why do the elderly generation not downside and keep the lifecycle of a family home going?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 12/04/2018 21:21

Not judging the choice

Of course you are.

NotTakenUsername · 12/04/2018 21:22

What is it you find odd?

Ummmmgogo · 12/04/2018 21:22

because it's their home and moving is stressful

SoyDora · 12/04/2018 21:23

Because they struggled in full time work to make ends meet at one point in their lives?
DH’s parents live abroad mortgage free in a very large house with a swimming pool. They’ve earned it. My dad has a lovely big house close to us, he worked hard all his life for it. They treat us a lot; meals out, nice gifts etc. I would never expect them to provide for us in any other way.

dinosaursandtea · 12/04/2018 21:25

What?! How entitled can you get?!

StripySocksAndDocs · 12/04/2018 21:26

Overwhelming I'd say because it's their home not just a house.

I think it's unlikely if they had a decent relationship with thier children and those children where homeless they'd do nothing.
But if those children are renting or in an owned small house it really isnt the worst thing.

There's also an awful lot of retired parents in small houses; in which they raised their own family.

PortiaCastis · 12/04/2018 21:26

Don't be so entitled

Alienspaceship · 12/04/2018 21:26

Oh the hardship of a 3 bed semi.... Hmm

ConstantlyCold · 12/04/2018 21:28

Maybe it’s psychological harder to downsize than we all think.

My dm and df tried to downsize. The plan was to get a small bungalow so they could cope with the property when their mobility worsened.

In reality they really struggled to find a small place they liked. So they bought a bigger bungalow.

The problem they found was that two bed properties tend to have small living space. When they really wanted good sized living space with small bedrooms. The smaller properties were cheaper and if I’m honest they looked cheap.

Dm & Df had the money so they spent it. I guess it’s like going back to economy once you’ve flown first class - not that I’d know Smile

C0untDucku1a · 12/04/2018 21:28

NOT judging the choice but cant help wondering why a struggling couple would continue to have a whole gang of kids.

Gemini69 · 12/04/2018 21:29

ouch Grin

ShinyMe · 12/04/2018 21:29

Why do they stay in the house they love and have worked for decades to buy and which they've been living in for decades and which is full of memories and a lifetime of possessions, when they know that moving is stressful and expensive and difficult and they're not getting any younger and where on earth would they put all their stuff if they moved and they'd hoped that they'd never have to move again and they were settled for life now? I can't imagine why, it's a total mystery.

Candyflosss · 12/04/2018 21:30

Because they didn't need help from their parents and they feel you can do it too?

Are you expecting them to help you in order to show their love?

findingmyfeet12 · 12/04/2018 21:31

For the same reason that grown up
children don't live with their parents and provide them with company or care even if just in the evenings.

It's easier said than done.

CelticSelkie · 12/04/2018 21:31

They probably just think that you're in a different stage of life.

wormery · 12/04/2018 21:31

What do you think they should do, move and downsize and give away their money now or stay put then leave all that lovely money from their well earned homes in their Will. Why should the elderly in particular downsize, what about middle agers when the kids leave home, why should couples without children live in 3 bed houses. You sound rather bitter. Sad

Elffederico · 12/04/2018 21:32

Because I like to lord it over my children

Adversecamber22 · 12/04/2018 21:33

Why should they?

I won't be downsizing to help my DS I may indeed assist with actual cash but would not give up my home.

My sister was widowed last year and is in this situation, living in the home she shared for 25 years with the love of her life, it's her connection to him

DramaAlpaca · 12/04/2018 21:34

When we retire in ten years time DH & I certainly won't be moving out of our five bedroom house & downsizing. It's our home. And our grown up DC are thankfully not so entitled that they would think we should.

DrEustaciaBenson · 12/04/2018 21:34

Because they might think that they may need that money to pay for care in their old age.

Because they might think their adult children are, you know, adults who are capable of managing their own affairs without handouts from their parents.

Because selling a property, buying another one, and then giving a cash gift, will incur tax liabilities which may mean it's not a sensible thing to do.

Because it's theirs and they can do what they please with it.

Housesforkids · 12/04/2018 21:34

I kinda agree with OP, in fact 10 years ago we downsized and bought two house for our two sons. I will say we bought the house and kept them in our name though and good thing we did as one divorced a few years after and tried to get half the house. If we didn't keep the house in our name we would have lost quite a bit of family money.

I think it can be a good idea if you go in with safe guards.

hammeringinmyhead · 12/04/2018 21:36

"... Why do the elderly generation not downside and keep the lifecycle of a family home going?"

Well, you just made the point that a family with a gaggle of kids can't afford a giant 5 bed so I don't know who you think the gaggle of potential buyers is made up of.

Dontforgetyourtowel · 12/04/2018 21:37

They worked for it and are now enjoying the fruits of their labour. Now it's your turn to work for it. Why should it just be given to you? Your parents haven't sacrificed enough already bringing you up?

I will never understand the entitlement of some people.

Maybe if the children are struggling (foodbanks) through bad luck etc (not just repeated bad decisions) then it would be a bit heartless of the parents not to help (if there is a good relationship at least) but a 2/3 bed semi is not struggling!

IveGotBillsTheyreMultiplying · 12/04/2018 21:37

A couple has struggled to work, bring up a family and pay a mortgage for maybe 30 years.

They have finally have paid off the house, the offspring are self sufficient and settled with their own families.

They are hopefully still in good health and want to enjoy their marriage and life in general.

They want a house big enough to receive visitors and they know there is equity in it if they need it for care or living costs when the state welfare system has finally been suffocated by chronic underfunding.

PositivelyPERF · 12/04/2018 21:38

I live in a four bed house and my oldest will be moving out soon 🎉🎊🎈🥂🍷🍾🍹🍻🍸He’s looking to live in a shared house.

I will continue to live in my home, because it’s the one my husband and I worked 60hrs a week each, a week to buy. My children will work hard and although I will never let them live in poverty, I will not hand their inheritance over to them before I get to enjoy it. They will appreciate what they’ve worked for rather than be one of those whining ‘it’s not fair’ young adults they have as friends.