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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wonder why retired parents live in big houses and don't help family?

740 replies

Dojos · 12/04/2018 21:20

Not judging the choice but i can't help finding it odd that you can have two sets off grandparents living in and owning several properties and adult children both in full
Time work struggling to make ends meet.

Bright enough and big hearted enough to know inheritance is a gift not a right, and rightly so. I'm just curious how parents can sleep In 5 bedroom homes they don't need at night whilst their good steady grown up kids struggle a whole Gang into a 2 or 3 bed semi.

I guess that applies further - why do the elderly generation not downside and keep the lifecycle of a family home going?

OP posts:
PinkSparklyPussyCat · 12/04/2018 21:54

Why should anyone be expected to downsize? DM lived in her 3 bed semi until she died. DH and I live in a one bed maisonette and I can honestly say I’ve never been bitter or expected anything from her. DH and I clearly won’t be helping his children either and they’ve never hinted at being bitter.

sobeyondthehills · 12/04/2018 21:55

I will bite

My mum and dad lived in a five bed house, divorced now, mum has a 3 bed house dad still has the five bed. Both now rented as they are living with partners.

Out of 3 siblings one is really struggling for money, but then when the parent gives them money what happens when the other 2 have financial difficulties, one of the siblings doesn't have children, do the other 2 trump her needs? one of the other siblings goes on holidays to America twice a year, if she keeps doing this and suddenly something happens they can't afford the rent but the holiday is paid for should the parent stump up holiday money?

Where does it stop?

HolyShmoly · 12/04/2018 21:55

My parents brought us up and made plenty of sacrifices in that time to make sure we didn't feel deprived. Why the hell would we still be expecting them to fund us as adults?

Thebluedog · 12/04/2018 21:55

Really? Biscuit

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 12/04/2018 21:55

I do find it sad when healthy, retired-but-not-elderly grandparents absolutely won't look after their grandchildren at all. But on MN old people are not allowed to be criticised - unless it's your MIL then she's automatically the devil's testicles - so you won't get many agreeing with you OP!

Wdigin2this · 12/04/2018 21:57

I can't believe I've just read this, how bloody entitled are you?! Shock
We have more than one property, for which we've worked damn hard, we treat our family (all of them) to holidays, days out, meals etc...often! You are suggesting that I should feel guilty enough about the fruits of our labour, to sell up, with all the trauma that entails, and go back to one small semi.....just so our family doesn't have to work as hard as we did?!
How selfish, thoughtless and grabbing can you get?!!!

CurlsandCurves · 12/04/2018 21:57

My parents have a huge 4 bed house, massive conservatory huge grounds. we have a small 3 bed.

They love their home, as I love mine, we live here comfortably. But even if I was struggling what the heck has it got to do with them? They have worked bloody hard their whole lives, they deserve every square inch of that home they worked for.

TheMythicalChicken · 12/04/2018 21:58

Struggled my arse. In the 1960s you could buy a house for the equivalent of 1 years’ salary. Now that has increased to 20 years’ salary.

The baby boomer generation basically took all the houses and all the money and kept them. Added to that, we are all paying their pension with no realistic hope of getting one ourselves. They are the greedy entitled ones, not us.

WowLookAtYou · 12/04/2018 22:00

FlootToot, Inheritance Tax isn't your mum's problem though. She won't be here to worry about it. It's you and your siblings' problem.

Choccywoccyhooha · 12/04/2018 22:00

I am speechless that anyone would think this way, you are of course bu.

My parents live in a four bedroom house, my in-laws in a five bed with an additional two-bed annex.We would desperately love a four-bedroom house so our children dudn't have to share, but we chose to have our chikdren, why should our parents have to pay for our choices? And what about our siblings? Should the grandparents downsize each time any of their offspring have another child?

Mrsx79 · 12/04/2018 22:00

Jeez I love my kids... I really do... but my house is my home and I've earned it. I expect them to earn theirs. My dad has always said the same... you need to make your own way and not expect others to give you everything on a plate.

RoseWhiteTips · 12/04/2018 22:01

Entitled much?!

nursy1 · 12/04/2018 22:01

Well yes. I’m retired. No house is more important that helping the family.
We downsized recently and gave all our kids 10k ( not much but there are 6 of them). At some point we will give the house , in trust, to our children. No point in shuffling off your mortal coil and the Gov taking it all.

Housesforkids · 12/04/2018 22:02

TheMythicalChicken

That is not true, we had huge interest rates, one income to support the home and uncertain time in the 80's.

Really it was hard most of the poeple that didn't want to work to provide a home for their family just went and got the free council house sure that backfired on their kids but don't blame us that put in hard work to actually buy a house.

thebear1 · 12/04/2018 22:02

They like where they live and didn't bring up entitled brats who think they are deserving of their parents wealth?

donquixotedelamancha · 12/04/2018 22:02

My parents constantly 'help' my sister out. They find it frustrating and resent the constant demands, but objectively it's their fault.

I don't think they help her, I think they've disempowered and infantalised her. She's now middle aged and not at all poor, but it seems neither they nor her want to break the cycle.

Of course it's more complex when people are genuinely on the bread line but I think, in general, parents need to equip their kids to stand on their own two feet- then let them.

Brendaofbeechhouse · 12/04/2018 22:02

I was thinking of starting a thread to say I don't know how people who don't give up their jobs to provide full time care for elderly parents can live with themselves, because, that's what families do.

But I didn't think it would go down well.

SoyDora · 12/04/2018 22:03

My IL’s spend all their cash on expensive wine and fancy meals out.
Good for them.

nokidshere · 12/04/2018 22:03

Struggled my arse. In the 1960s you could buy a house for the equivalent of 1 years’ salary. Now that has increased to 20 years’ salary.

The baby boomer generation basically took all the houses and all the money and kept them. Added to that, we are all paying their pension with no realistic hope of getting one ourselves. They are the greedy entitled ones, not us.

Yawn yawn yawn this is so childish and boring.

  1. BBs had no way of knowing that what was available to them would not also be available to future generations
  1. If you had the same available to you right now you would also take full advantage of it without thinking about what might happen in another 50 years
  1. It's not the BBs responsibility to provide for adult offspring who have more children than they can afford and less choices in today's climate
sweatylemon · 12/04/2018 22:03

Because after working damn hard, bringing up a Family & everything that goes with it, they simply want to enjoy their home while they can.
Why should they have to downsize to subsidise their children!
When they die I am sure the vultures will move in quick.

findingmyfeet12 · 12/04/2018 22:04

My parents have a six bedroom house and have helped us all to buy our own houses.

They considered downsizing but love their home and have good friends in the neighbourhood.

My siblings and I have sat down with them and decided that the one who cares for them in their old age will inherit the lion's share. If no one is willing to do it (unlikely I hope) the money will keep them in comfort in their old age.

ButchyRestingFace · 12/04/2018 22:04

whilst their good steady grown up kids struggle a whole Gang into a 2 or 3 bed semi.

Presumably it was their choice to have a “gang”?

nuttyknitter · 12/04/2018 22:04

I agree! We downsized in order to give our DCs a deposit each - we couldn't bear the thought of rattling around in a bigger house than we needed while they were struggling. And we get the pleasure of seeing them enjoying their inheritance now instead of after we're gone.

TheMythicalChicken · 12/04/2018 22:05

Housesforkids, but you managed to buy a house, on ONE salary. Me and DH and his siblings will never get on the property ladder, in spite of all of us working hard all our lives.

SoyDora · 12/04/2018 22:05

BBs had no way of knowing that what was available to them would not also be available to future generations

Well exactly. They weren’t likely to say ‘no I won’t buy this house for £15k, just in case our children have to pay £300k for the equivalent house in 40 years time’.

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