AIBU to wonder why retired parents live in big houses and don't help family?

[Dojos]

Not judging the choice but i can't help finding it odd that you can have two sets off grandparents living in and owning several properties and adult children both in full
Time work struggling to make ends meet.

Bright enough and big hearted enough to know inheritance is a gift not a right, and rightly so. I'm just curious how parents can sleep In 5 bedroom homes they don't need at night whilst their good steady grown up kids struggle a whole Gang into a 2 or 3 bed semi.

I guess that applies further - why do the elderly generation not downside and keep the lifecycle of a family home going?

Dojos

You're assuming it's that easy for them to sell their home. One of my husband's grandparents moved into a larger home at retirement because the family is close knit and they wanted plenty of space to have their grown children, grandchildren, and future great-grandchildren on a regular basis.

Unfortunately his grandfather suddenly died despite being in good physical health, not long after the move. His grandmother, whose health isn't great, has been unable to sell the place since then. She hardly seems like she's enjoying living alone in a big house she can't sell.

They sacrificed a lot for their 5 children and raised them to be capable, self-sufficient adults who fortunately don't feel as entitled as you and many others seem to.

I completely agree with you Op.

My father-in-law is a Millonaire, with several properties. He hasn't given his kids anything. I'm married to is son, and we don't really need his help as we are set up okay financially, but his daughter is 48 and struggling so much for money that last winter she hardly had the heating on (2 kids as well). It fucking baffles me.

I know many people whose parents have 'downsized' to help their children afford homes of their own. I would do exactly the same for mine one day.
MIL downsized a few years ago...from an 8 bed house to a 6 bed house with an entire 2 bed apartment on one floor..that has sat empty for years. She also has a few million in the bank, and still expects us to pay for everything when she comes to visit or when we visit her. She also asks us to go on trips, that we also end up having to pay for. She has not ever given the GC a penny. No ISA contributions or such like. But they do have a large collection of woolly jumpers

I admit it, I am judging. I would find it odd to see a parent in a massive house too big for their needs while their children and grandchildren struggle in accommodation that is too small.

I am not in a position to help. My life has lead me to a path where I am living in a HA house. My DD married at 19 and is 23, with 2 DC now. Her PIL are decent people. They have a lovely house, they also bought a flat initially, now a house for DD and her DH to rent, paying just what the mortgage costs. So they get the home they need at massively less than the market rent. They have also been told the house will be theirs in the will. Well, they will have paid the mortgage!

I just don't understand how anybody who could help their loved ones would not.

behindthescenes
It was our choice as a society to become a two imcome family, this meant more money into the family pot and obviously meant more expensive houses this is what we as a society chose.

In my time we wanted to raise our kids and we did we didn't expect our parents to look after them we did with pride.

Who are all these grandparents who own several properties?! [Mutters to self about choosing parents more carefully in the next life, misses point of thread.]

There is callousness and there is just the inability to help in some situations - private renting for example. Over 10 years I paid of my landlords mortgage off and then some, but still he wanted to up the rent by over £300 pcm to the going rate in that area...

My parents did try to help, of course, but sometimes, especially in the private renting arena you are flogging a dead horse.

I was also brought up to stand on my own 2 feet and as a single mum have done that. I'm proud of myself.

Wowlookatyou, she's made it her worry because she absolutely does NOT want the government to get it - the thought keeps her awake at night. That's what I don't understand; she could have enjoyed that money when we were growing up and she was young and fit enough to, but she's always lived like a pauper and as such, now has more money than she knows what to do with.

I'm with the OP here. I don't understand why you wouldn't help your children if you could, no mater what your/their age.

My parents downsized from a 4 bed to a bungalow. Then a I had children so they bought a bigger house again so we could stay over!

Ketzele Nah your better off without - they just divorce and piss off into the sunset. Wankers.

Basically....it's not your money, so it's not your business.

I see the op's point. And it's not just a matter of helping out their own children, it would really help the distribution of housing to have older couples downsize freeing up larger homes for bigger families. But houses are homes and we are more emotionally involved with them. My own parents stayed in their 4 bed house til the end, and it was because it was their dream home that they created together. They built it and created a wonderful garden and they couldn't imagine living anywhere else. They found moving house really stressful and after moving to that house my mum always said she would only leave it in her coffin. She had dementia in the end and was moved to a care home where she didn't last long at all. My dad was dying of cancer in hospital, and his absolute determination was to get home, which he did for the last few days. That house was so much more than a house to them, it was their place in the world and I'm sure other people feel like that too and that's why they don't move.

Can’t help but laugh at the “well they worked hard for it” nonsense. My mum could afford her first house... because it cost £14k. She was on £8k a year at the time. The last house she bought cost £79k, just over double their joint annual income, and sold last year for almost half a million.

Let’s not pretend that the previous generation worked harder than this one and that’s why they could afford nice big houses.

I only own a house because my mum passed away and I inherited part of it. I planned to have one child but my body decided to make two at once. If I’m fortunate enough to be around when they have kids I would absolutely downsize to help them out. DH and I have already discussed it. We are currently in a tiny two bed terrace but if we are fortunate enough to upgrade to a bigger house we won’t need it once they’ve left home.

Let’s not pretend that the previous generation worked harder than this one and that’s why they could afford nice big houses

Has anyone said this?

"Let’s not pretend that the previous generation worked harder than this one and that’s why they could afford nice big houses."

"I only own a house because my mum passed away and I inherited part of it."

You've kind of shot yourself in the foot with those contradicting statements.

housesforkids to clarify, you’re blaming feminism for inflated house prices? That might be the most ridiculous thing I’ve read in a long time.

Capitalism and the tone set by Thatcher / Reaganomics, along with the Buy To Let boom and resultant increase in private rents, is what’s to blame for the fact that the majority of working people in this country cannot borrow enough to buy a property.

In the case of my ILs because they fundamentally do not understand that the world of property and young families is different now, to when they were buying in the South in the 70s and 80s.

FIL was highly critical of BIL not having made more money on the housing ladder, having a bigger place etc, both he and his wife having to work when of course back in the day he bought a mahoosive place, now valued at nearly a million with MIL a SAHP, for peanuts.

And the pair of them couldn't possibly move out or downsize as it's too stressful/need space for visiting family. Who hate visiting their home anyway as it's not maintained and you can't have a proper wash.

Meanwhile my parents did equity release yonks ago to enable me to have a deposit on my house and to pay off the failed endowment mortgage they were never going to pay off, having barely afforded theirs in the first place. So my DM is still in her house but it's a totally different story.

If, for example, MIL wanted to downsize, even assuming she could find something suitable in this area, it would cost her around d £20,000 in fees - estate agents, solicitors, stamp duty, removals etc. And as she is elderly, there is a strong chance that she will not live for the seven years required for any gifts to fall out of her estate for IHT purposes, without even considering the possibility of a nursing home and the council deciding she has disposed of assets to avoid paying any fees. So, realistically, even if she did choose to move, she couldn't do anything with the money other than to hold on to it. Our dcs are adults now, but as we only li e in a big standard mid - terrace property, I'm not sure what you'd have us do - camp in the park in a tent maybe?
I'd love to be able to hand my dcs a sum of money to get them started on the property ladder, but we are just not in a position to do so. What we did do, was support them completely in their choices after leaving school, whether that was university or work. Despite one DC getting a full grant, based in our very low income, we still helped out financially monthly, going without stuff ourselves to make sure they had what they needed. Dh and I have worked hard in below average paid jobs, to buy our home, and now that it's finally 'ours', we intend to enjoy it as long as we can. Our dcs will get it - eventually, care home fees notwithstanding, but luckily, neither of them are so ill-mannered as to expect us to give up what we have worked so hard for, so they can have it a bit earlier than planned.

echt plenty have implied it, yes

TammySwansonTwo
Society changed, we allowed a flood of immigrants to take housing stock raising prices, then dual working families also increasing house prices.

The current situtation on house stock thus price is one of our own making, brexit might help increase stock of house and therfore lower their prices.

My DH and I have worked long and hard for our 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom home.

We both started in the 1980s with gritty terraced houses, no central heating, wood chip paper and coloured bathroom suits. We went without cars, holidays, new furniture and even takeaways. We worked up to what we now have, which is a home with enough space to accommodate our children and grandchildren when they visit.

We we downsize, we will be spending the money (if there is any) as it’s our money, we’ve both invested enough into our children. Hope that’s ok with you how we choose to spend our money. Oh we sleep bloody well at night too whilst dd’s are living their own lives in their rented homes.

Not at all wow - the point is that my DH and I have worked just as hard, have proportionately higher incomes than my mother did compared to the average wage of the time, but we could not have afforded to buy a home had it not been for the fact that she died.

echt plenty have implied it, yes

So not said it and no examples.