AIBU to wonder why retired parents live in big houses and don't help family?

[Dojos]

Not judging the choice but i can't help finding it odd that you can have two sets off grandparents living in and owning several properties and adult children both in full
Time work struggling to make ends meet.

Bright enough and big hearted enough to know inheritance is a gift not a right, and rightly so. I'm just curious how parents can sleep In 5 bedroom homes they don't need at night whilst their good steady grown up kids struggle a whole Gang into a 2 or 3 bed semi.

I guess that applies further - why do the elderly generation not downside and keep the lifecycle of a family home going?

So unreasonable I can't even put together a cogent response.Shinyme has it above.

Where we live if we sold our house & moved to a much smaller house we’d still have to pay huge amounts of stamp duty. 3 bedroom Victorian worker’s terraced cottages are around £1.3m. My cousins each inherited properties & drifted through their 20s, my female cousin is still flakey in her mid 40s.

I totally agree with the OP

C0untDucku1a

You can’t say Not judging the choice and then immediately go on to say i can't help finding it odd and I’m just curious how parents can sleep [...] at night.

You are absolutely, 100% judging the choice.

If you’re going to be judgy then at least own it and don’t start with ‘not judging but...’

OP, give me one good reason why, after working hard for the last 30 years to establish ourselves in a lovely home AND provide a pretty good lifestyle for our kids already, we should now downsize to live in a small shoebox in order that our kids can have it easy in the future? If they want a nice house, they can bloody well go out and finance it themselves (notwithstanding the help and support we've already given them over the years).

@ConstantlyCold I watched a daytime TV programme recently that was saying that people downsizing usually want fewer bedrooms but still want good sized living space which is often a problem as smaller homes and bungalows tend not to offer that. When DH's parents moved from their family home they went from a 4 bed detached in large gardens outside a village to a 4 bed detached with small gardens on an estate as they couldn't find anything with reasonable living space and fewer bedrooms

@Dojos When exactly do you think we should stop enjoying where we live and give it away to our children? DH and I are late 50s and our adult children are settled in their homes which are smaller than ours. Are we entitled to selfishly stay in our family house while we are still working. At which age do our lives cease to matter and should we hand everything over and crawl off into a corner?

Such a good point constantlycold If older people move from say a spacious 4 bed to a two up two down, then an expensive groundfloor extension might be needed and that could use up nearly all or all of the money from downsizing.

That's the issue in our area though. Older people want to downsize and younger people want to get a step on the ladder so 2/3 bedroom affordable properties are like gold dust. Bigger properties for sale for ages or lying empty...

I can see your point, OP.
My mum and dad claimed to be hard up when we were growing up and we lived in a small semi - parents + 4 children.
After my dad died, in his 70's, my mum sold our family home of 40+ years and bought a 4 bed detached house 200 miles away. Her main obsession these days is how she's going to avoid inheritance tax; she says she has more money than she knows what to do with and is better off now than she's ever been.
I'd understand the house thing if she actually got any joy out of it, but she won't turn the lovely range cooker on (will only use the grill), won't turn the hot water on for more than an hour a day, washes dishes in cold water etc.
I'd like to think that, in her situation, I'd get pleasure from what money could do for my children/ grandchildren, like treating them to holidays, paying for music lessons etc but my mum seems to want to hang into it until she dies, even though having it brings her no joy and seemingly a load of stress and worry.

I agree with OP. If there are cases where my DC s and their growing families could benefit from us downsizing I would. PS my eldest is 13 . I have seen adult children working very hard with growing families in rented accommodation when parents have multiple houses.

It's easy. We worked hard all our lives to pay for it and we want to enjoy it while we can.

Both DSs have homes of their own and are doing fine.They'd laugh if we offered them money, they earn their own.

*They'd laugh

I dream of a 3 bed semi. The suggestion that retirees should be lying awake, consumed with guilt that their adult children have to live in one seems a bit absurd to me.

I love that my parents have a big house. The family can gather there. All the grandkids can go and stay at once. I remember my grandparents' place being the same when I was a child. They helped us lots as children and young adults, as a grown up working adult I don't want handouts. Being able to go and stay with the whole family and be spoiled for a weekend, otoh... My parents are awesome.

Floottoot she may leave nothing in inheritance if it is needed for care.

Are you bitter life's not handed to you on a plate op?

yoyo1234
You can save an paydown your mortage as much as possible now overpay as much as possible. In 7-8 you will need to downside and move futher out but should be at least able to give your son enough for a good deposit.

Make sure if you cannot outright buy him a house you go on the mortage to protect the family money.

Because once you are fully retired, what you have in capital and assets needs to last you for the rest of your life.

Because downsizing is a big psychological step, can’t easily be reversed.

Because there has to be a cut off point where your children take responsibility for their own lives, successful or otherwise.

Perhaps like my parents and indeed grandparents when they were alive, they liked where they lived, had neighbours who were friendly, and many social and other activities nearby.

The me me me entitled generation thinks because its parents or a neighbour has X it is entitled to X. It is simpl not so. Jeaousy tends not to make you feel very happy. There will always be someone with something better than the rest of us. If you want what they have make some choices that might make that more likely. I hope a lot of children and like my space and work here. However just like my parents never sold their 4 bed detached I doubt I will sell this house either and just like my parents I have helped with my children's education to give them the choices if they wish to pick higher paid work.

Also most of my family have always lived in a 1 up one down or 2 up 2 down tyep of house sometimes with ten children so we know perfectly well children can be very happy in very small spaces. Size of house does not co-relate to happiness.

Wow you sound very entitled. And guess what? They probably struggled just like you are. Thing is - it is not your turn yet. They worked hard to get where they are - just like you are doing now. On day it will be your turn. Shut up moaning and be happy that you have parents. My lovely mum is gone now and she left me her all her money but do you know what? I'd rather have her back and be poor.

ForalltheSaints
When you have kids you look after them, I cannot understand how people can have kids and not have planned to make sure they a house to live in.

Great way to reduce inheritance tax, OP!

One of the issues is that people want living space (fair enough) and less bedrooms gives you less living space.