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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wonder why retired parents live in big houses and don't help family?

740 replies

Dojos · 12/04/2018 21:20

Not judging the choice but i can't help finding it odd that you can have two sets off grandparents living in and owning several properties and adult children both in full
Time work struggling to make ends meet.

Bright enough and big hearted enough to know inheritance is a gift not a right, and rightly so. I'm just curious how parents can sleep In 5 bedroom homes they don't need at night whilst their good steady grown up kids struggle a whole Gang into a 2 or 3 bed semi.

I guess that applies further - why do the elderly generation not downside and keep the lifecycle of a family home going?

OP posts:
Mrsbird311 · 12/04/2018 22:06

I’ve never understood this, the money my husband and I have is family money, we’ve bought our eldest a flat and when he gets married we will buy him a house, each member of our family get what we need as we need it, it’s all going to them anyway, we would rather give with a warm hand than a cold one , I couldn’t sleep in a huge house knowing my kids were struggling!!

Housesforkids · 12/04/2018 22:06

nuttyknitter

I hope you protected it if you have sons, you need to be careful as a divorce could see the ex-wife take it all and leave him with no house and smaller inheritance.

Pigwitch · 12/04/2018 22:07

Maybe they're attached to their houses and don't want to downsize?

They've probably struggled for years to pay mortgages in houses that they now own and can enjoy.

Jon66 · 12/04/2018 22:07

It's about choice! You know, that thing that money buys . . .

Wdigin2this · 12/04/2018 22:08

Jesus, Mythical you bitter person!
I'm of that generation and I can tell you setting up home, bringing up kids and generally living was bloody hard then! I bet you didn't start off with no washing machine, no fridge, no holidays, no nights out drinking, no new clothes from one year to the next!
There was little or no financial assistance if you fell on hard times! No, our mantra was work hard, pay your taxes and NI contributions, and struggle to stretch the budget every week! We've earned our pensions, how dare you accuse baby boomers for today's ballsed up world!!!!

Brendaofbeechhouse · 12/04/2018 22:08

Mythical Chicken, 30 seconds with Mr Google confirms you are talking bollocks about house prices. But I think you knew that.

CurlsandCurves · 12/04/2018 22:08

@TheMythicalKitchen

You do not know the circumstances of everyone’s parents.

It was by no means easy for everyone. I saw my own parents working hard scrimping and saving and while we were not in poverty money was very tight. No generation has had it easy.

Housesforkids · 12/04/2018 22:10

TheMythicalChicken

We struggled though the 80's no holidays outside camping in Wales, no sky, no home telephone till the 90's crippling interest rates.

I am sure if you cut back on luxuries (take-away, expensive holidays, sky) you could get a starter home, might no be in the best area or size but you move up over the years.

findingmyfeet12 · 12/04/2018 22:10

My parents have a lovely home but when we were growing up there were no holidays, meals out, fancy car, etc. They scrimped for what they have.

DrEustaciaBenson · 12/04/2018 22:10

I do find it sad when healthy, retired-but-not-elderly grandparents absolutely won't look after their grandchildren at all.

And when the grandparents are no longer healthy, and are very elderly, and have no money left to make life easier for themselves because they've given it all away, will you find it sad when their healthy, not elderly grandchildren absdolutely won't look after their grandparents at all?

Tistheseason17 · 12/04/2018 22:11

Where's OP? This is very extreme. I hear footsteps over a wooden bridge...

RebelRebel79 · 12/04/2018 22:12

My mil lives in a large detached house on her own. I would never dream of expecting her to downsize. Also when we and the grandkids go to see her we often stay over plus she has other children/grandchildren. It’s not that simple now families don’t live in the same area.

Brendaofbeechhouse · 12/04/2018 22:14

Tis the season, yes, so do I, but I felt like playing.

AndhowcouldIeverrefuse · 12/04/2018 22:14

I don't want anybody's money and take great pride in being financially independent.

But not everyone who owns a home and is well off has slaved away in full time employment and struggled to pay a mortgage for 30 years. MIL is in her 60s and worked about 2-3 years in total in her life, now is forever moaning about the heating costs of her 4 bedroom council tax band A house and the low interest she gets on her savings of hundreds of thousands - all obtained through divorce from someone who was extremely lucky with the property market and retired early 50s with a full pension.

UnRavellingFast · 12/04/2018 22:16

When I left home it was to make my own way. Moving back home might happen in times of crisis but being independent was a badge of honour and we never expected to have biggish places like our parents. We made our own way just like they did in their own time.

You sound like you may have lost sight of the fact that most parents have worked hard and earned that nice house. That's our job to achieve in our own way now.

Starting with something small and crappy maybe like I did then slowly improve your housing as you work your arse off. And boy did I work my arse off for many a long year! Now I can provide a nice home for my kids and it's always there for them but I have every expectation that they'll build their own lives loves and housing ladders with me hopefully there as back up.

lardymclardy · 12/04/2018 22:16

YABU

both my parents - and one is not biological, have lovely homes, second homes, extra income. They are enjoying their retirement - separately and with different partners.

I'm a single parent with 2 children working 2 jobs. I've even been homeless with both children and it was a bloody long wait to get a council house.

Lovely neighbours, one side has lived here 30+ years, the other 50+ Grandchildren round all the time, family visiting and staying, it's lovely to see. I don't think my 86 year old neighbour would cope now being put into a one bed flat. It is her home. Her family home. I don't begrudge her it, I just ask if she needs any shopping when I go out.

I understand the frustration, I really do. Being homeless was the worst time of my life.

PositivelyPERF · 12/04/2018 22:16

Blimey TheMythicalChicken, the bitterness is just dripping off you, isn’t it? I was homeless, but was lucky enough that someone leant me the deposit to rent a shithole and I worked my arse off to get out of real, genuine poverty. Try, it, you might appreciate what you have.

Housesforkids · 12/04/2018 22:17

AndhowcouldIeverrefuse

That is one of the reasons when I bought houses for my son's I kept the house in my name. Payed off when the ex tried to take half the home and quite shocked to find she was not going to get to stay in the house or get any pay day from it.

Family money needs to be protected an kept in the family.

HolyShmoly · 12/04/2018 22:17

mythicalkitchen I know a story about a friend of my parents who called round one evening as my Mum was cooking dinner. 40+yrs later she's still a bit ashamed she couldn't have even offered him a bite as they barely had enough for their own dinner. I know that they had it tough.
I'm 31 and have bought my own house, partly because my husband and I choose to live in a cheaper part of the country. And made our own sacrifices for what was important to us. In both our parents' and our situations those sacrifices included emigration.

So you don't know the circumstances of every grandparent.
Nor do you know the circumstances of every mumsnetter.

nursy1 · 12/04/2018 22:19

And we get the pleasure of seeing them enjoying their inheritance now instead of after we're gone

Exactly knitter. That’s what we did. Our house is plenty big enough for us two, we have not compromised what we need to enjoy a decent retirement but our priority is our family. Anyhow, as Dd and Dsd have as big a dining room as us now they get their turn at hosting the family dinners. 👍

behindthescenes · 12/04/2018 22:19

I think you’ve got a point in some cases. My parents certainly worked hard all their lives to pay for their beautiful big house, but it was easily affordable on one salary. My dad had job security and from university on a grant to his incredibly comfortable pension now, he’s been pretty lucky as well as hard working. My husband and I both work really hard to afford our (much less grand) house, have much less job security and know our pensions are unlikely to let us retire in any great comfort. We are working out how to save for our kids if they ever want to go to university too. It is a bit frustrating to hear my mum bemoaning the misery of her latest long haul first class flight when we won’t be going on holiday for a few years but I guess that’s a lot to do with their general lack of generosity. I wouldn’t expect them to sell their family home, just maybe acknowledge their good fortune and offer to babysit once in a blue moon.

findingmyfeet12 · 12/04/2018 22:19

If children are homeless or living in poverty then I think it's a different situation. For parents to not help out then is just callous.

Living in a 2/3 bedroom house and children sharing rooms isn't exactly my definition of difficulty (provided it's not the Duggars or Radfords!)

Island35 · 12/04/2018 22:20

My parents built their own home from scratch and I mean they did it not get in builders etc. It's a big house which has evolved over the years. We have a huge mortgage and a project on our hands. Siblings also have jobs and mortgages. I would never expect our parents to sell and hand over cash to make our lives easier. They would never see us suffer but they worked their bums off for what they have and we are equally doing the same.

CuckingFunt1987 · 12/04/2018 22:21

Where is op ???

CoffeeOrSleep · 12/04/2018 22:21

You are aware that 'downsizing' is a relatively new concept, and one that's only been started with those "greedy" baby boomers, right?

Previous generations didn't 'downsize', you rented or bought a house (most people rented), you lived in it for your life, then you died. At best, you moved in with your DCs.

care homes and downsizing aren't what previous generations did.

The real 'issue' with baby boomers is they are the NHS generation, who aren't just retiring at 65 and dead by 68, freeing up all that lovely housing stock. They are staying alive, and want to do what their parents and grandparents did, live in their family homes for the rest of their lives.

Baby boomers didn't know house prices would go silly, they generally weren't buying investments, they were buying homes to be lived in. Finding it weird they want to live in their own homes says a lot about your view of your house.

Surely the generation who bought in the 1960s (the most hated generation!) are in their late 70s/early 80s so will all start dying off soon and releasing that housing stock for you. Of course if they all start dying at the same time, I bet you'll be pissed at them for putting a glut of houses on the market at the same time and lowering prices!